Ideal Beauty?

I've been using SuperBetter to combat my negative sense of self image.  Today's quest was to find an image of "Ideal Beauty" from another contenent or era.  This is what I found.

This is an image of Venus.  Note the large tummy and small breasts.  Back in the day, this was the Goddess of Love.

Nice!

There is Such a Thing as a Tesseract -

- Mrs. Whatsit,
A Wrinkle in Time

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Years ago... when it was just the voices... I used to have a whole flow chart written out, just to sort out who was who.

As previously mentioned, we were a lot like a glass cube with a single point of light shining on it.  Whichever side the point of light was focused on... that's the 'voice' that was speaking.

After the breaking, after we had managed to pull ourselves together a bit, we were a lot more like a tesseract with multiple points of light.  It was confusing as hell at first, but as I got to know my selves, I grew to love them.

Something had happened just before the breaking, and it carried over into the splits.

*sigh*  I had to have a medical procedure done.  It was a simple thing, but invasive and painful.  I knew it had potential to trigger some nasty things, causing them to bubble to the surface.

I had been speaking to an energy worker about my propensity to be as the phoenix, rising from the ashes every few years.  This sounds noble.  It sounds as if it's a glorious act of rebirth.  People tend to forget that in order to rise from those ashes, we first have to burn, and it hurts like hell.  But, we both agreed that those shining moments of ascension are sometimes worth the pain.

She had a brilliant moment of inspiration where she suddenly suggested that I could connect to one of my ascended selves during this medical procedure.  She suggested that I could draw strength from my future.

So, while I was undergoing this invasive and painful thing, there was a 'me', from five years in the future, standing there in the room with me.

Then the breaking happened, and three of my voices turned full daimones emerged.  As they did so, they took on the mantle of whoever had been in the clinic room with me that day.

I had a warrior, a healer and an artist.

There was one more, but we hadn't met her yet.  Apparently it's common after a trauma/split like that to have an omega split.  There's an actual term for it, but I can't remember what it is right now.  So, there was me... the Alpha, my three pack members that were different aspects of my perfect self from five years in the future, and the Omega.

The Omega was another me from five years in the future, but she was from a future where everything went wrong.  She watched both her children being torn to pieces, right in front of her.  She just showed up in my mind one day while I was getting a chiropractic adjustment.  All the sudden there was this dark and nasty cave system in my mind, and she was hidden in one of the back chambers.  Naked, dirty... broken glasses... ratty hair and chipped fingernails.

The other daimones went to her, and helped her.  The healer gave her some rose tea that helped calm her down.  The warrior stayed near the entrance of the cave, where she could keep her eyes open for potential threats.  The artist was just there for her.  Comforting her with her presence.

They all talked, and the Omega daimone said that she knew her presence would be detrimental to the rest of us, especially me.  But she didn't want to be killed off either.  She asked to be put to sleep.  So that's what we did.  We got her all cleaned up, dressed in a comfy night gown.  Hair combed and nails trimmed.  Then we gave her a room in the country house and put her to bed.

Heh, then there was Abbie.  I wrote about her in this blog entry.

As soon as Abbie happened on the scene, the Omega woke up.  Abbie was her second chance at being a mother.

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When I was hospitalized in the psyche ward for six weeks, there were times when the tesseract would actually spin.  Usually in the morning when I was getting up early to load up on coffee.

I would sit in my hospital room for hours... in the quiet... just listening to everyone talk and play and have fun.

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I don't know what the hell happened to me after I was released...

... but I can't hear their voices anymore.

What really scares me about that is the thought that I'm never going to get better.  I'm never going to evolve into my perfect, ascended future selves.

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I don't know what that means.

I just know I miss them.

Bittersweet

There was a time in my life when every song by Within Temptation had a place in my mind and in my heart.  Every person I knew was connected to one song in particular, in a way.  

This song... Bittersweet...  This was dedicated to me by one of my other selves.

There's a side of me that has always been strong.  Always able to face fears and overcome them.  That same side of me has been there for others, helping them to be strong.  Helping them to overcome whatever was separating them from being their best self.

And then, one day, I left that side of me behind.  I left her for my daughters father.  

Bittersweet is how she felt about my abandoning her to become weak.  

Bittersweet is how she felt... locked away in some other part of me... while she watched me endure the abuse.  

Artist Unknown

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I'm happy to say that we're back together again...

But still, whenever I hear that song... I never forget how it felt to be separated from that part of me.