Things got bad for a few days there...

... in truth, they're always bad, but I'm really good at that whole Radical Acceptance thing.  So, I have a knack for distracting myself from the pain.  It's just that I got a sore throat and my period for Christmas.

I mean... merry freakin' Christmas!  Right?

Anyway...

Like I explained to Val when I saw her on Wednesday, I have limited resources when it comes to emotional regulation.  Things like recent illness, lack of sleep and, of course, getting my period will deplete those resources and leave me vulnerable to my pain.  Keep in mind, I'd also been suffering from some sort of wackiness in my neck that had left me deep in the throws of headache pain and unable to turn my neck.

So there I was... fucked over by my body... suffering.

I finally broke down and told Bran what was going on.  It took me explaining it a few times before he finally got it, but that was my fault and not his.  I'd been holding back from him on this one because I didn't want to hurt him.  I thought that if I told him how much I was still reeling from the breakup with Set, that he wouldn't feel he was enough to keep me happy.  Truth is, we've both done STUPID shit that has hurt the other over the years, but I'd like to think that we've learned from our mistakes.  New dawn, new day, I didn't want to hurt him again.

Turns out, my fears were resolved.  He wasn't hurt, and he didn't feel like he wasn't enough for me.  He even as much as suggested that I go out and find that person, that healer, who can do what he can't and get me better.

Well that's all well and good, and I'm happy for his blessing but... nuh uh!  No way!  The exact kind of person who could help me through this mess is exactly the type of person I'd never trust again.  If the perfect sex mage/sensual healer fell in my lap tomorrow, I'd run the other way as fast as I fucking could.

So, here's the rub.  I'm damaged way beyond my capacity for self repair.  I'll never trust another healer to restore me to spiritual wholeness.  Applying physiological methods is the equivalent of spiritual bionics.  It might help me function better, but at what cost?

So, there it is.  I'm stuck.  There's no way out.  My wounds are too severe and they will never heal without help, I know this to be true.  So, this is it.  This is my life.  I get to suffer, forever.  End of story.

People might ask why I can't let Bran help me.  The honest truth is, he can't.  Bran only knows the physiological side of healing and it's my spiritual body that is wounded.

Bran is my rock, my standing stone, my anchor and my one safe point of return.

With Set, I used to fly.

Then the fucker dropped me and I fell to the ground in a shattered mess of fur feathers.  Had my wounds been properly tended to at that moment, I might have been fine.  But, alas... no help came.  Then the broken things that were knitting back together all wrong were subject to subsequent abuse as well as new wounds being inflicted.  I never had a chance of getting better.

Coming to grips with that has been a very difficult thing for me.

When I explained it to Val, I used Joseph Campbell's Hero Archetype in mythology.  Separation, Initiation and Return.  I've been through this before.  I know how this goes.  Merilyn is said to have gone feral for 20 years in the woods before elevating to the status of the greatest mage who'd ever lived.  Inana, goddess of love and warfare was striped of her worldly possessions, skinned alive and nailed to the wall of hell for a bit.  Even Christ spent 3 days in hell before ascending.  This is a known pattern in mythology as well as in my life.  I've been a phoenix for as long as I can remember.  Occasionally consumed by flames, but always rising from the ashes.

Only I won't rise this time.

I also told Val about Osiris.  Chopped into pieces and scattered to the four corners of the earth.  His loving wife searched and dug until she had him mostly put together but the one piece of him she could not locate, his manhood, remained lost to them.

Unable to become fully restored, Osiris chose to remain in the underworld and allow his son Horus to take over as the sun god.

I am Osiris in this story.  Bran is the wife.  (I won't type her name because it's been tainted)

Another way to explain it is to say that with Set, I was illuminated.  Bran can provide the fuel.  I have tons and tons of fuel, but no spark to ignite the flame.  Set was my spark... and now that spark is gone.  There is no chance of knowing that brightness again because I'm not going anywhere near another match.  Fuck that shit.

Val says "Spontaneous Combustion!"

According to her, if the conditions are right, dry enough wood... the sun too hot... a flame can just start, on it's own.  ~shrug~ okay...  But, I'm not going to try to force it.  I'm  too smart for that.










When we closed the session, I asked if she had any homework for me.  She told me she's always been a fan of keeping journals.  But then I got an idea.  A Ghost Story.

I've turned to Ghost so many times in the past, when I just wasn't getting the kind of love I needed in my life... so why not now?  I'm safe with him.  Maybe if I write myself in a story where I'm being healed, it can have some effect on me.  Maybe Ghost can be the spark?

We'll see...