If my heart were planted...

... where would it grow?

This morning I did my heart meditation with my yoga (yes, I got the yoga in, despite the ear infection). The heart meditation asks "If my heart were planted, where would it grow?"

After some thought I came to the same conclusion this morning that I have with most mornings. This thing with Gingersnap reeks of New Relationship Energy. Now, being aware of that doesn't make my feelings any less valid. I do love him. I simply can't help myself. He's wonderful, and I adore him.

However, I do know that my heart grows with Bran. Even after all the pain and damage that's been done. I trust that he will make those things up to me. He's taken full ownership for the suffering he caused and that he allowed to be caused. That's as close to an apology as I'm likely to get. I know he and I are going to grow past it and that our heart connection will be stronger than ever.

To some degree, I hope Gingersnap finds that kind of a partnership with someone who can be a primary to him. He deserves a wife and many children. It would be selfish of me to not want that for him. Losing him will be devastating when that hammer falls and I hope he and I will always be able to continue as lovers in each others lives. But, when it's time to let him go I hope I can do so with some dignity and sanity intact.

I didn't hear anything at all from Gingersnap yesterday, and it was disheartening enough for me to hold off on sending him any sort of good morning, or day greeting, today.

Then... just as I was getting ready to leave for the days events, I got a message from him. My heart lifted and then sunk a bit. He as letting me know that he would be unavailable for a bit because of a death in the family.

Seriously. At a time when anyone else would have either been too consumed with his or her grief, or laser focused on handling the grief of others, he thought to send me a note to reassure me that he's still with me, even if it can only be in thought for a little while.

My heart soars...