Love, Loss, Anger, ...

... and Positive Thoughts:

Sent a message to Gingersnap last night, just to let him know that my thoughts are with him and my heart goes out to him and his family. He responded with a simple 'thank you darling' and I left it at that.

Darling is his favored term of endearment for me.

Yesterday with Valkyrie was good. She's experienced her first 'break' show hole. She'd finally gotten up to speed on Supernatural and then there wasn't a new episode last Thursday. LOL. It was SOOOO funny to hear her pain for once as she went through it. I swear that getting her addicted to SPN was one of the best things I ever did for my mental health.

Bran called right when we were in session though. I can't remember why though. I think it was to let me know why he didn’t take over my cell phone bill.

So… The SUCK is coming soon. I'm going to be losing my cable provider and switching to a less expensive 'internet only' monthly bill while my 3rd party gets me caught up on my cable bill. I'm very frustrated with how they are handling my finances right now. Angry as hell to be honest.

This shit better get sorted soon.

If my heart were planted...

... where would it grow?

This morning I did my heart meditation with my yoga (yes, I got the yoga in, despite the ear infection). The heart meditation asks "If my heart were planted, where would it grow?"

After some thought I came to the same conclusion this morning that I have with most mornings. This thing with Gingersnap reeks of New Relationship Energy. Now, being aware of that doesn't make my feelings any less valid. I do love him. I simply can't help myself. He's wonderful, and I adore him.

However, I do know that my heart grows with Bran. Even after all the pain and damage that's been done. I trust that he will make those things up to me. He's taken full ownership for the suffering he caused and that he allowed to be caused. That's as close to an apology as I'm likely to get. I know he and I are going to grow past it and that our heart connection will be stronger than ever.

To some degree, I hope Gingersnap finds that kind of a partnership with someone who can be a primary to him. He deserves a wife and many children. It would be selfish of me to not want that for him. Losing him will be devastating when that hammer falls and I hope he and I will always be able to continue as lovers in each others lives. But, when it's time to let him go I hope I can do so with some dignity and sanity intact.

I didn't hear anything at all from Gingersnap yesterday, and it was disheartening enough for me to hold off on sending him any sort of good morning, or day greeting, today.

Then... just as I was getting ready to leave for the days events, I got a message from him. My heart lifted and then sunk a bit. He as letting me know that he would be unavailable for a bit because of a death in the family.

Seriously. At a time when anyone else would have either been too consumed with his or her grief, or laser focused on handling the grief of others, he thought to send me a note to reassure me that he's still with me, even if it can only be in thought for a little while.

My heart soars...

Adventures in staying up way too damn late...

Unicorn kept me up til 3 am, LOL. She's so addicted to Supernatural. We only started season 7 on Friday and we're all the way up to Charlie's intro. I think we might even make it into season 8 today.

Nudged Gingersnap this morning. Forecast favors free time, but he's already spoken for tonight.

That's okay… I have some popcorn and Walking Dead that need my attention.

Not to mention getting my house back in order. Man, the little one likes to trash my pretty placement of things.

I'm happy today... :)

Got a chance to chit chat with Gingersnap just a little bit last night… he's happy I'm not upset about him standing me up. He feels special because I told him he's still welcome any time, and that he takes priority. I told him that I *will* break plans with other Sweeties, just to see him.  :)

It also looks like rain, and not snow, this week. (fuck yeah!)

Got deeper into Supernatural with the Unicorn last night. She had to constantly pause the show and regale me with the fresh fan fics in her head.

MY DAUGHTER IS WRITING FAN FICS IN HER HEAD!!

I love the crap out of my little geeklet!!!

Got to talk to Bran just a bit this morning. He's collecting tools and looks like he might have bought a computer of some sort too. We discussed logistics on the spring and how I'm going to adjust to not having my own space again… should be interesting. I do get STUCK in my comfort zones. So, maybe it's good that I break them once in awhile.

That's it for today. Sorry for the lack of artwork. Just trying to get enough things scratched off the 'to do' list before the Unicorn wakes up.

Wavelengths of forgiveness...

On the night of the 23rd I got into a very long, text conversation, with Gingersnap.

OMG… I don't think he knows how much I love him yet, but we're so on the same page about everything else. I got a chance to say so many of the things I wanted to say. Like how it's a crime against humanity that he's never really been sexually satisfied and how this is way more than just sex to me. He agreed on the 'more than sex', but it's going to take him awhile to get used to how much I really do enjoy him, across the board, even without the sex.

He asked me what I was doing yesterday, and I told him nothing, even though the Dragon had made a breath about stopping by. I chose Gingersnap over him. *sigh* I'm trying to feel guilty about that, but the harsh reality is that the Dragon NEVER shows. At least with Gingersnap I feel more of a connection forming. The Dragon will still, and always, be the only sweetie with bareback rights. But I feel that if it's a choice between making plans with Gingersnap vs. making plans with the Dragon, I'm going to choose Gingersnap.

I turn him on so much, and he's so honored to be wanted by me. He's been very underappreciated for a long time. See above, RE: crime against humanity. I can't wait to be the person who changes that for him.

*sigh*

However, the morning came and went without a word. BUT - a big snowstorm hit yesterday, so I'm sure he got called into work. I was disappointed that he didn't at least text to say he couldn't make it, but maybe he feels it's a given if I'm aware of the weather conditions.

---

I miss Bran.

A song came over my heavy metal while I was doing my yoga today. It's my radiomancy kicking in. It's perfect for how I feel about him right now. But, very bittersweet and sad, so I'm not going to tell him about it. I'll just post it here so it's at least in the ether a bit.

I hope I hear from Gingersnap soon.

All good now... :)

Yesterday morning some really bad weather hit. *smile* Okay, so it suddenly made sense then why Gingersnap hadn't returned a message in awhile. I finally broke my silence with him last night (and again this morning) receiving instant reassurance that he's still there. Still with me, and we're on the same page with where this is going.

Ye gods… he's amazing and I can't wait to touch him again.

--

Bran continues to deeply regret his move up north and longs for spring and returning home to me. I love him, but this is Karma. I'm enjoying my time alone and my freedom to host Sweeties whenever I want. Yes, I miss him. But I'm finding ways to pass the time.

I don't know what to do.

Still nothing from Gingersnap.

Right now I'm really just worried that I scared him off by falling for him as hard as I did.

Worse, I can't even mark those blog posts as private. All I can do is take that blog out of the 'Read Me' and hope that he never made it here.

---

fuck...

Update!

Just finished another yoga set. Noticed that the stretches were coming a lot easier today, even after having only upped my routine yesterday. Also, rocked out nearly 200 calories according to MyFitnessPal.

Also, mood went VROOM! Through the roof!

Okay! Point taken! Med adjustment causes massive DOWN mood swing... Yoga causes massive UP mood swing. HA HA! Fuck you meds!

Also... Trip the Darkness came on again. So, I'm back to feeling super positive about Gingersnap and where this might be going with us.

Still justifiably nervous. I mean I do have massive trust, insecurity and abandonment issues. But, I'm glad to know I can power through them a bit with a little mindfulness magick.

GO ME!

Uhgh... I hate this part...

Not a peep out of Gingersnap yesterday.

I might be on an emotional downswing from lack of sleep and backing off on my mood stabilizers.

Please Note: I also take blood thinners, the mood stabilizers were causing my clotting disorder to fluctuate to a dangerously high risk of blood clots. So, I backed off on the mood stabilizers in an effort to normalize out the efficiency of my blood thinners.

I woke up thinking about putting Gingersnap in the 72-hour no-contact hold. Where I don't reach out to him for three whole days and if I don't receive a message from him, I give up.

That's give up as in 'stop feeling'.

*sigh*

Today I feel like I let my emotions get away from me yesterday. But, the positive side effect of those emotions is that I'm back on track with my health and weight loss goals. I upped my yoga and fitness routines and I actually started tracking my calories again this morning.

So… conundrum time…

When it was Mahogany, I was willing to accept that it wasn't going to go anywhere. Hell, I even feel that way about the Dragon most of the time. I still *used* the emotional upswing to propel myself forward. So, if that's all Gingersnap turns out to be, that's not so bad, right?

*dusts off shoulder*

Yeah. I've been here before. 

Tripping the Darkness...

I upped my yoga routine today. I broke out the Yoga Deck that's been sitting on my shelf for at least a decade, never used.

I'm not going to lie.

This is totally to impress Gingersnap, even if I never tell him that it's for that reason. Though, he does have the link to this blog, so there's a chance he's going to figure it out anyway.

---

Okay, this has both positive and negative connotations.

Positive:

Gingersnap is promoting so much health and wellness with me. I'm writing like a fiend. Not 6K a day worth of writing. I top out at about 2K, but I can do that in ONE HOUR. So, try to imagine what would come out of me, now, if I did go for a full day without distractions.

I don't know that I'm there yet. In fact, I'm certain that I'm not. It will happen naturally when it decides to happen. When my muse cracks me across the skull and said "WRITE BITCH!", then I go full bore.

*sigh*

Negative:

*sigh again*

I'm falling in love with him.

Shit.

Fuck, damn, shit...

Despite my own fucking rule that Bran and I could love and be loving, but never fall IN love again. Fuck me... I love Gingersnap.

Negative(squared):

If I lose him... if he breaks my heart... I could lose everything... AGAIN! I could lose the writing, I could lose the yoga, I could lose my drive to be healthy.

*sigh, again, sigh*

This is so fucking dangerous.

I've felt like this before. The abusive dickhead that put me in harms way by introducing his snaky, whore of a wife into my sphere. And then there's Set!! And we all know hard that son-of-a-bitch broke the fuck out of me!

But...

This is also how I felt with Bran too.

And we know how that went too, now don't we.

---

Um...

OKAY - am typing this and Lacuna Coil's "Trip the Darkness" just came on my yoga metal...

---

Shit...

Um, okay.

I'm taking that as a sign. I know how to listen to the damn fates when they decide to speak to me.

I feel about Gingersnap like I did about Bran, and it's going to move forward with this. I'm going to let myself love him as much as I can, as long as it doesn't jeopardize my relationship with Bran.

*nods firmly*

Okay.

I'm good now, thanks for listening.

It's a new dawn, it's a new day...

11/19/16 10:54 AM

I've been so fucking exhausted and sore in the best possible ways that I didn't get a single thing done yesterday. Well, not good exhausted. That was equal parts me being so wound up from Gingersnap's visit that I couldn't sleep, and the upstairs neighbors being way too fucking loud. Again.

I didn't even write or do anything but minimal gaming yesterday. I was so worn out. But, that gave me the entire day to just think about Gingersnap and reflect on how many things had gone well. I think my favorite was how hard he laughed when I told him I do yoga to heavy metal music. He was so amused, and it's the little things like that… they make me feel so special. He's very special.

I'm not ashamed to say that I feel love forming here.

He didn't check in much yesterday, but we got hit with a major blizzard, so I know he's working.

I also compiled a 'read me' list of all my current posted work that's available for beta reads. So far only Gingersnap and Daddy have the list.

I also love it that Gingersnap reassures me that he's coming back and I'm excited to see what else is in his sexual toolbox. He's already told me that what he gave me the other night was only first gear. Um… wow… 'cause that's more sex than any one partner has given me in a sitting save for Bran on our first date.

I also want to start reading my baby version of The Count of Monte Cristo, since the adult size is Gingersnap's favorite book of all time. He's read so much of my work and really fed into my passions that I want to do something to get to know him more.

---

Bran is okay. But, things up north are really not going as well as he'd hoped. I'm still justified in saying that I knew it was a mistake for him going in, but it was more important for me to step back and let him MAKE the mistake than it was for him to give into my insecurities and not, at least, try to make this thing up north work out for him. This, once again, puts me in the rather unique position of being an Overwatch like he had been for me for the last 8+ years.

And, with sweeties like Gramarye, Daddy, and Gingersnap in my life. I'm gaining the justification that I really CAN make it through life without Nick as my primary partner. I've proven it to myself that I do have options and that there are other loves out there who would be glad to have me. I don't have to think of Nick in the sense that I can't do better, or at least 'as good'. This means that when Nick does come back I really WILL be choosing to be with him because I want to. I'm not just saddling myself with an unfulfilling marriage or anything because I feel that I need to.

To be fair, my marriage is wonderfully fulfilling and I no longer feel that I need to 'wish' for more.

This is all good stuff, and I’m very happy.

Update (things are better now) - and just what is a 'sweetie' anyway?

Okay.

So, here's where we are. Some fucked up bitch almost ended my marriage. A karma-fuck-bomb was dropped but because it was a BOMB, I got hit too.

I was promised by the witch that dropped the bomb that I would be okay. I would have a soft place to land and I would be a much healthier and well adjusted person in the end.

I've been living alone for just over a month now. Bran is currently away on an extended work thing and won't be back until the spring. (yes, it hurts like hell)

However, I've been acquiring a cache of 'Sweeties' to pass the time and give me some much needed male sexual energy to feast off of so I can engage my self-repair, resiliency, and coping mechanisms.

A sweetie is defined as 'more than NSA' but 'less than boyfriend'. They fall into that sweet spot, right in the middle, where there is a deep friendship and connection, but we're still not super serious and we see other people.

The four precepts of what a sweetie must provide are 1) good company, 2) good conversation, 3) good snuggles, and 4) good sex.

The current sweeties (in order of appearance):

The Dragon:

He's actually been with me since February of this year. But, due to time constraints, we've only ever actually been on *ONE* date. However, the results of that date were phenomenal. When that dick head broke me, he separated me entirely from the part of me that was the goddess. When I crawled back out of that abyss, all broken and bleeding, wings torn to shit, the goddess was left behind. She was still down in that dank, stinking hole, and there was NOTHING I could do about it. I sucked it up. I moved on. I resigned myself to never feeling her inside me again.

Well!

20 minutes making out in the front seat of the Dragon's car, and he single handedly pulled her out and gave her back to me.

*cough*ahem!* WOW.

So, even though that second date hasn't happened yet, I know it will. I adore the fuck out of him and I can't wait to see him again. I will be patient with him forever and it could be the end of days and I'd still have a spot reserved for him in my bed.

Gramarye:

He and I had also been chatting since late winter / early spring. Oh... he was one of the ones that got away because I wasn't allowed to host a guest at the time and he wasn't able to host either. But he decided to check in on me anyway. No lie, he checked in, down to the second, just as I was moving into my own place - alone - and with free license to host anyone I damn fucking well pleased.

He's been amazing, and the first person (since the breaking) that has actually made it to THREE dates!!

He also helped me on another level. I've been wanting to try double penetration for awhile now, but I had to get over my aversion to anal sex to get there. Gramarye is an anal MASTER. He got me to love it in just a few short hours. Totally amazing!!

Daddy:

Recent addition. Lately I've had a LOT of one night stands with potential sweeties before they completely ghost me. I've been so good at restraining my emotional attachments until the second date, at least, before letting someone get closer to my heart than they are to my mind and body.

Daddy though, yeah, I couldn't hold back with him. He was so passionate and I just fell. Hard.

However, due to transportation woes, I won't be seeing him again until he buys another car. It's frustrating, but I'm not ghosted, so once again I can be patient here.

Gingersnap:

OMG... so... yeah... totally the reason why I started writing again. He's utterly devoured absolutely everything I've put in front of him and begged for more. I love it! It really inspires me to write... a LOT! I've been averaging 1K in 30 minutes!!

We had our first date last night and it went better than I could ever have hoped for in my wildest dreams. I'm utterly besotted today. That was seriously some of the best sex I've ever had. That's where he totally has ME begging for more, LOL.

He makes me feel safe, protected, and worshiped. I'm SORE today, in best possible ways. I can't wait to see him again.

--

Honorable Mentions:

Ash:

He only stayed for an hour before deciding I wasn't for him. But he was nice enough to let me know that he just wasn't feeling it.

Ouch... I mean, that one stung. But, even I will admit that it only stung for superficial reasons.

He was fucking drop dead gorgeous. I would have loved to have tapped that well completely dry.

--

So, there it is...

I've been keeping a private journal to track my ups and downs. But Gingersnap has inspired me to blog a bit more about my current events and mental health issues and wellness.

OH!

I should also mention that he's the FIRST PERSON EVER that I've come out to right away and told him about the Borderline Personality Disorder. So, that was cool. He was really not phased by it.

LOL... he doesn't know about my multiple personalities though, yet. Kinda wondering how he'll take that news.

Okay... done now... stop babbling and post the damn thing already.

Well, that didn't go as I'd fucking hoped it would...

Fuck me... that was terrible.

From my belief that my new lover was 'the one'/'the healer' that I needed in my life and how that catastrophically imploded all the way to a girl in my husbands life who was almost successful in ending my marriage. This is after I saved her life, opened my home to her, offered to share my life and the love of my life with her, and basically wanted to love her as a sister for all time. The fucking bitch stabbed me right in the back and tried to take my husband from me.

She was unsuccessful in the end, but a karma-fuck-bomb needed to be dropped before I was able to turn the tide and win back Bran's love and devotion. He's still suffering the side effects of the bomb, but his turn around spared the lives of innocents.

The witch who dropped the bomb told me that Bran and I would be separated for awhile, but I'd have a soft place to land and some time in solitude to heal.

Okay...

So, that parts actually doing really well.

See next entry.