For now, it's just another adjustment.

I have been... excessively lax with my sleep schedule for the last three nights/days.

I've left the 'auto' setting on my coffee maker 'off'.

I've left my alarms off too.

Granted, I've always gone to bed whenever I fucking felt like it, but I'd still been trying to keep up some semblance of order by getting up at 8 am, trudging through coffee, and collecting my thoughts to present them here.

Now I know that my circadian rhythm was irrevocably borked by the few months that Bran was back.

Okay... so, that really fucking annoys me.

I had a system down and I liked it.

In bed by 11, up at 8, blog, go about my day, writing stories happened between 11 am and 4 pm... household chores fit in there too...

It was a good system.

Now I can't seem to talk myself into sleeping until it's between 2 and 4 am... if my body has its way, I wake up somewhere between 9 and 11 am... the blog goes down first thing, of course...

But the fucking fucked up thing?

Writing doesn't like to happen in the daytime hours anymore.

What the fuck is that all about?

Since when am I a nocturnal writer?

Ugh...

This is unfair.

(grump)

(thoughtful sigh)

I guess I can try to adjust, though... right?

Like... what if I do the bulk of my blog composition and artwork selection when I'm up till 2 am? It's still technically the day of entry, right? I could save the polish and post for the reasonable morning hours, or just post the fucker at night... who's really going to fucking care?

I could streamline my morning processes for when I have appointments or dates to get ready for... so that way I can sleep later...

I can let everyone know that during certain hours of the evening, I need to shut down and go radio silent to get some writing done... I'm sure people won't mind.

In short;

I need to come to grips with the fact that Sarah Anne 2.0 keeps different hours than the previous OS.

I'm sure there's a reason why and it will be revealed to me in time.

For now, it's just another adjustment.

I'm growing accustomed to those.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Spoons -  Today is the day! YES! I'm going to do the dishes. I can just feel it!

- Writing -  GOOD NEWS!!

I DID finish The Hunter. It's a Primal sexual fantasy and it's currently posted to Fet. I'll be working on a more digestible version in G-Docs today and then I'll post a supplemental blog entry with the link for anyone that wants to read it.

Some of you may not. It's M/F romance/sex... pretty aggressive, but not all that kinky or anything. It's probably pretty boring unless you're a wolf. (shrug)

- #YarnSlut -  I should really get back to those projects... hmm...

Sweeties:

  - Hannah-Cat -  I very unintentionally worried my sweet little one.

The area of concern revolves around my mental health and happiness.

Hannah-Cat felt as if I was laying too much responsibility for those things at her feet. I think it was even starting to make her feel a little trapped. Like she wouldn't be a part of my life because she wanted to be, but more for the reason that if she left, I'd self-destruct.

I'm not going to go into details, but I will tell you that under the circumstances, this is a very real and a very normal fear for Hannah-Cat to have. Her emotions are palpable, sincere, and they deserve to be acknowledged.

The honest truth is, I really did fall tits over tea kettles in love with her almost instantly, and yes... she does make me insanely happy.

Also, when it comes to my own wounds and the stuff I'm still working through... she has this aura effect where holding her makes me forget that I'm even wounded at all.

The pain just goes away for a little while. It's pretty blissful. It's nice to just be able to rest for a bit and not have to fight so hard every second of every day. It's very comforting to be able to take a break from it all, even if it's only for a short period of time.

So, here's the thing...

Hannah-Cat has every reason to take words like that 'love' and 'forgetting wounds' and assume that I've latched on to the point where I aggressively need her and I'd fall apart if I lost her.

She just hasn't known me long enough to have met the Mental Health Warrior side of me... yet.

She's never seen the way that I confront issues and pain dead on.

She's never seen the way that I hunt my own triggers and then mercilessly murder them with Phoenix fire.

She's never seen the way that I can be completely shattered by a cataclysmic event and walk away from it, still broken, but on my own two fucking feet again, only four days later.

She's never read the way that I can take my suffering and harness the magic of it in my writing, pulling beauty from the agony and creating stories that transmute the poisons into the blood of life.

She's never witnessed the way that I can and will survive the fuck out of anything, and I do mean ANYTHING. I never let anything beat me. Anytime something tries to take me down, I twist it, I get a grip on it, I bend the fucker over and I make it my bitch.

She's known me less than a month.

Give her some time... okay?

She'll see that side of me, eventually.

Unfortunately, this probably means I'm going to have to get hurt so that she can see it for herself...

... of course... dammit... now that I think about it... It's going to be really hard to hurt me these days, what with the resolution of my abandonment issues and everything.

Humph.

Well, fuck.

Cuddles [TCN =Temporary Code Name]

 - Team Sweetie -

     - Iron -  (happy growls) - so... a lot of those Sanctuary Spells of late? I've been strengthening my beacon to draw a wolf to me...

My intense need for another wolf to match mine has been getting... overwhelming.

Guess who contacted me last night and asked if I was free Tuesday evening?

Not just any wolf... a fucking Alpha.

Fuck.

Yes.

Also, let's be clear, the one that Apophis originally intended and despite my searching, another has not presented himself...

Also, Iron is the one who set all the healing in motion... I really need him to scan me again and check on my progress. I honestly can't tell if I've healed or if I've just gotten back to my baseline where I'm accustomed to the pain.

I know that I've resolved a LOT of issues. I've forgiven people, I've overcome my abandonment issues, I've even come to peace with Bran being gone... so, all of that SHOULD denote healing, yes?

I just want to be sure.

AHHH!

And also...

(squee!)

Alpha WOLF!!

 - People -

     - Drogo -  I am really happy that tomorrow is Monday, finally. I've been looking forward to some Mentor bonding time for two-weeks.

Don't get me wrong. I get it that this needs to be the schedule... It's just that I get cravings, you know?

Potential(s) [TCN =Temporary Code Name]

 - TCN:Parker - We chit chatted a tiny bit yesterday and I felt a little bit like an idiot because he was in my area for an appointment on Friday and I could have seen him... but, that was my downtime day where it was all about the Sanctuary Spell, so that wouldn't have been good anyway. (grump) - I tried to convince him that we could make something work yesterday, but he was getting caught up on 'stuff' and we just let it go at that.

This coming Friday, though!! SUPERNATURAL!!

--

I read some more of the Unknown Travelers writings and I realized he's way too much of a sadist for me... at least at this stage in my development.

He's too involved in causing pain and discomfort for my tastes.

(sigh)

I mean, that might be the kind of thing that Drogo could work me up to? But, I'm thinking not.

I could face pain with someone who was loving about pushing me past my limits and extending my tolerance, sure. But, this pain for pain's sake bullshit...

No.

I'd only go Primal and get too much blood on my muzzle.

End Notes:

RIGHT!

The dishes...

I should probably think about soaking them at some point...