I don't know if any of you remember this... maybe some of you weren't even reading me yet... but a few weeks ago I was agonizing about this really sweet guy I'd ended up chatting with on Facebook.
We run in the same social circles.
We share a LOT of mutual friends.
I've been aware of him for over a decade and a half.
Even despite what happened between us all those years ago, I still respected him. I still thought he was a very interesting person. I still wanted to know him.
I had so much regret that we never became friends. Even profound sadness at times, because news of him would flit past my ears and I would have wistful moments, imagining how fun it must have been for the people close to him at that time.
You see...
I fucked up.
It was many many years ago.
At the time, I was undiagnosed and untreated for my Borderline Personality Disorder. I had no clue I was mentally ill. I didn't know how that mental illness was affecting my interpersonal relationships, including what happened when I met him and the other members of his house.
I was also smack in the middle of my abusive relationship with the Spawn's father, and I was equally as clueless there. The abuser/victim Narcissist/Borderline pairings had been going on in my family for generations. So, I just thought it was normal to be that miserable in my relationship.
I simply didn't know that I was sick, and in distress.
The only thing I knew for sure was that when Roland kissed me, the pain went away. And after our first meeting, I experienced frantic efforts to get back to that feeling of relief with him. Much to the annoyance of the other members of his house.
Poly drama ensued and Roland did what he had to do. He rejected me in order to protect his house.
I... went totally guano.
There's no excuse for my behavior in the days/weeks that followed. I was in pain and I was lashing out, yeah... but still.
So, now we come to the end here, where we've crossed paths in the same community again, and he's been so. fucking. sweet.
And I'm in agony.
Because I want this.
But I know I have to come clean with him first.
Goddess the Fuck Up.
Right?
Yesterday, I found my voice.
I wrote him a letter of my sincerest apology and sent it to him via Facebook. I didn't expect him to forgive me. I just needed him to know that I was holding myself accountable, taking responsibility and that I was truly sorry.
Turns out that the events that transpired were so long ago for him, that he had absolutely no recollection of any bad blood between us. There was no forgiveness to be had. As far as Roland was concerned, these incidents that had haunted me for 15 years ===> never happened.
Instead, I earned his MAD MAD MAD respect for owning it anyway. (and also for using the word guano)
OMG - WTF ? !
We're cuddling next week!!
AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
(squee)
(dies)
Mental Health / Self-Care:
- Spoons - // - Writing - Still trying to stay on top of getting these Profile Pages written.
Family:
- Spawn - MUST. HAVE. SPAWN!!
Also, RuneWolf may come over to meet her tomorrow. Which would be awesome, because I'm making Chicken Noodle!!
He was there for me when I wrote my apology to Roland. Nolan is the only person who knows how hard I was crying as I tried to get the words down on the screen.
Nolan is also the first person to know that Roland accepted my apology and that we're cuddling next week.
Also... Nolan and I are working out our schedule so that bi-weekly I'm with him for Revenge and Game night. And then the alternate bi-weekly I'm with him later in the week. Nolan toggles with both Drogo and AlphaCub.
WHAT THE FUCK?!??!?!?!?!?!?
When the hell did that happen?
When did I start needing to rearrange dates to make sure everyone is getting fair time?
OMFG!!
I HAVE PEOPLE!!
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH SQUEE IN THE WHOLE WORLD OF SQUEE TO SQUEE AS MUCH AS I NEED TO SQUEE!!
Cougar/cubs:
- Hannah-Cat - All the hugs and hearts, my little girl-cub. All the hugs and hearts.
- AlphaCub - Okay... so, I'm going to tell you something here... and to some of you, this might seem a little bit creepy. Maybe even stalkerish.
This is the part where I politely remind you that I'm 100% Primal:prey, and I fucking have a thing for predators.
He's been studying me. Learning me. Adapting to my needs and shifting his persona as new information becomes available to him.
He's been hunting me.
Fuck.
You have no idea how fucking hot that is.
First, it was the knowledge that I am a Cougar and that I prefer my lovers younger than me. He began referring to himself as a cub.
He had also seen on my profile that I was seeking an Alpha, and he made that a part of his signature. (AlphaCub)
AlphaCub very much lived up to his name when he held me the fuck down and took me during our first date. He also brought me a tiny, black, '67 Chevy Impala!!
Then he discovered that it was specifically a Wolf that I was seeking...
... yes, and now he's become that as well.
He sends me artwork depicting scenarios that he knows will get under my skin and scorch my core with heat for him.
If he thinks he's been subtle about any of this, he's wrong.
This kind of thing doesn't go unnoticed or unrewarded.
I have him down as a reserved play-date on a bi-weekly schedule.
Work held him up yesterday.
Work won't always get in the way.
My Hunter will capture his prey.
Cuddles [TCN =Temporary Code Name]
- Undeclared -
- Roland - You'll note that I didn't put Roland in 'Potentials' despite the fact that our first 'date' isn't until next Week. It's been pre-negotiated. Cuddles are 'my decision', but he wouldn't mind. He seemed excited when I told him to consider himself pre-cuddled.
There's a reason for all of this, you see.
As I've mentioned, I still respect him. And, as I've also mentioned, he'd been so sweet to me when we chatted.
Also... I've been watching his feed and... I’ve been watching his mental state reach the end of its ability to cope with other people’s bullshit. And I’ve noticed how much of a beating he’s been taking in other areas.
I didn’t reach out to him because I desperately needed him to be my friend. I have friends.
I reached out to him because I strongly felt that Roland is in need of some compassion right now. And in his own words, he confirmed this by telling me that he's been feeling unwanted and unappreciated in certain circles.
So...
... anyone else think little miss 'spent the whole month of May getting dick punched in the abandonment issues' might have a notion of what it's like to feel unwanted and unappreciated?
Hmm, yeah... me too.
Roland is going to get some fucking snuggles, godz dammit. He's going to know what it feels like to be held by someone who sees him as a whole and perfect being that is worthy of acceptance and love.
Nuff. Fucking. Said.
Friends:
- RuneWolf - Again. Maybe Saturday with the Spawn and some good Chicken Noodle.
- Beast - I reached out to him as well. We're never going to be 'buds' or anything like that. That's just not his style. But, it's okay for me to check on him and see how he's doing from time to time. Hopefully, I can wrangle him into accepting some more loving hugs too. Not the awkward hugs... the hold tight and mend your broken pieces kind.
Reasons:
- Jaded - This is starting to go way past just flirting again.
And I'm not talking messy, squishy emotional attachments. Not like last time.
However, the sexual arousal is distinct and poignant. She LOVES getting the boobie pics.
When I told her about my first orgasm, she expressed a note of frustration because she said that she'd wanted to be the first to get me there.
Well... fancy words, lady.
For someone who never actually came to claim me, though the offer had been there MULTIPLE times? (fuck, I fucking BEGGED you to come claim me!)
Whatever.
Someone beat you to me. Deal with it.
Drogo actually showed the fuck up.
Drogo actually made good on every promise.
Drogo actually earned my trust on every fucking possible level, mind, body, spirit, and soul.
So, Drogo was the first person to make me cum so hard I squirted rainbows. (halfway up his forearm too!)
NOW... you want to actually help me with the next challenge and see if those conditions of trust can be achieved with any other lover other than him?
FUCKING STOP TALKING ABOUT IT AND SHOW THE FUCK UP!
Or, don't get all whiny with me when someone else beats you to that one too.
End Notes:
And, I’m sorry. I was being lazy last night and I didn’t get any more profile pages written. So, for those of you who are still confused about who’s who in terms of code names and what headings like ‘Reasons’ mean. Please bear with me… the answers are coming, I promise you.
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