It's just that moment of panic that pisses me off.

I kinda had it in my head that today I was going to open with some thoughts on jealousy since that and envy have been taking some center stage action over the last couple of days.

Jealousy is normal in monogamous relationships.

It's just as normal in Polyamorous relationships, it's just that, classically speaking, we're supposed to be better at handling our issues.

Hmm... yeah... not so much.

You see, because mental illness can and will play its own role in this, Poly's can get fucked in the head too.

In this case... everyone has their own mental bug-a-boo's that can definitely lead to those 'fears of abandonment' getting triggered, and therefore, Wah! Jealousy ensues.

Because of the fun! (except not)

Listen... it sucks, and it sucks ass to not be able to control this kind of anxiety and panic. That's how it comes out for me. I get these little... twinges... of 'not okay', and then I'm quick to tell myself off for feeling that way because it's so stupid of me to a) doubt my loved ones, or b) restrict their movements because we're in an open relationship here.

With me, it all stems from the Borderline Personality Disorder.

Symptom #1 (I can't make this shit up) in the DSM V reads:

"Frantic efforts to avoid feelings of abandonment, real or imagined."

Okay...

Now, I THOUGHT I had resolved my abandonment issues.

I've now learned that they're only partially resolved.

When it comes to someone being 'done with me', I'm fucking fine, they can move on and so can I. If someone has to leave me, I'm cool with it.

But, apparently, 'sharing' someone I'm close with? I guess that still has to be worked on a little bit.

And, the fucked up thing is I KNOW it's the Borderline. It plays tricks on me. It whispers some nasty fucking shit in my ear about how worthless I really am.

And the even more fucked up thing?

If it were anyone else, I'd be the one holding them, breathing with them, and telling them it's 'okay to not be okay.'

With anyone else, I'd be telling them that it's normal to be symptomatic when triggered and that it's nothing to be ashamed of.

With anyone else, I'd be helping them dig to find the trigger and I'd be helping them resolve it.

But not me.

Something small like this?

How could I allow something like this to beat me?

I'm a fucking <air quote> Enlightened Borderline </air quote> for fuck's sake. This is so fucking far below my station that it's like letting a mosquito bite turn into a bullet wound.

I'm better than this, right?!?!

RIGHT?!?!?!?

Fuck.

Or not?

Or maybe sometimes I just need a little reassurance too.

I've been hurt enough that I've simply grown to expect the pain. I'm that abused puppy that sees a raised hand and immediately can't comprehend that it means to pet me soothingly.

My gut reaction is to panic.

It takes only a few seconds, but I'm able to quiet the feeling down. I quickly take stock of my current situation and what would happen to me if I were abandoned, again. I realize that I'm okay, I've survived way worse and I can survive this too.

And then I just as quickly realize that I'm adored and wanted... even needed, perhaps?

Also, the person I'm so scared of losing would never harm me anyway.

It's just that moment of panic that pisses me off.

I can't control it. It's just there. It just happens.

The neural pathways are road blocked in.

Even though that's all it is... a few seconds of me being BPD Symptomatic... Something totally fucking normal. Something I'm more than capable of riding out. Something I'm already on top of enough that it won't affect my relationships because I won't let it.

And I still hate myself for it.

(rolls eyes)

Sometimes I want to bitch slap the holy mother-fuck out of my own diseased brain.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy -  I don't have the faintest clue what Valkyrie would have to say about this... hopefully, I'll have it worked out before I see her again... or she might get to try her hand at helping me resolve it.

- Spoons -  Hello? <knock knock> If anyone is listening? I have a box of a gingerbread cake mix, and I need enough spoons to bake that before we get picked up for fireworks tomorrow. Okay? K, thx, bi.

- Writing -  I really hope I finish my Alpha Wolf fantasy soon…

- #YarnSlut -  Been a bit crafty of late... smiles will be had.

- Fur-babies -  Catmom has called twice yesterday and once today, I think? I'm not sure... but she's been in her fucking cups again and I just can't cope with her when she's that fucking drunk. She has no sense of boundary issues and even tickled the bottom of my foot.

BAD IDEA!

I love the fur-babies, I do... they're a joy to have around.

I fucking hate her, though.

Family:

- Spawn -  She had a pretty good time!

I'd forgotten that she could talk to Nolan about the most hidden side of herself. Something she's forced to keep on lockdown with the 'normals'. So, she went a little apeshit and talked Nolan's ear off.

Later Nolan said he caught onto about half of what the Spawn was saying but the rest was totally lost on him.

It's true, the Spawn is pretty advanced, and I like to test her too. Nolan needed a little help with a level up, and I asked the Spawn for her advice on how she'd handle it.

It worked out well.

Later, the Spawn played one round of Carcassonne with Nolan and I and then she joined in for a game of Betrayal once Beast arrived. After that, she kind of withdrew and went back to her anime.

She's pretty wiped out now, though... just trying to stay awake until a workable bedtime.

Sweeties:

  - Hannah-Cat -  We've both been off the last few days... and I know we're fine... it's just that our relationship is very new and this is the first time that we've both been off at the same time, so neither of us is able to really pick up the slack and help the other.

This will happen.

This will be an absolutely normal part of our relationship because we both have the tendency to be off in reaction to certain stimuli. The simple fact is that we can and will react to stimuli at the same time now and again.

It's okay.

We're okay.

Over time we're going to learn to trust each other to still be there both a) when we are vulnerable and b) when we come out of that little dark space.

But, it WILL take time.

We're still learning each other.

Cuddles [TCN =Temporary Code Name]

 - Team Sweetie -

     - Iron - I fucking love it that he checks in on me. It's always just a smidge of small talk, but on a daily to near-daily basis, he's right there.

Like... he's busy, yes... and it's been over a month since I've felt his fist in my hair and his fangs clamping down on the back of my neck.

But... Alpha Wolf is still a possibility.

Narrow, yes, but enough for me to feel good when he pops up in my messenger window.

 - People -

     - Nolan -  Okay, there seriously needs to be a 'People' relationship on Fet, because Nolan is one of my People.

We're not family, we're not brother/sister, we're not besties, we're just fucking PEOPLE. We'd go to war for each other in a heartbeat. We'd always be there for each other no matter what. It's deep platonic love and we're allowed to cuddle... but, the only word that works is 'People'.

Nolan is one of my People.

I really need to start my 'day prep' much sooner when I'm about to see Nolan. Possibly even pre-blogging and showering the night before. I'd like to start arriving at his place at a much better time to spend some good ass quality time.

Those fucking buses take for fucking ever.

I forgot the white chocolate popcorn.

I'm an ass.

We 'what the fucked?' a lot over code name Heath... The Spawn talked Nolan's ear off, I think I mentioned that.

Gaming was had...

And then I fucked right the hell up and missed the last bus home.

Woops.

So, accidental sleepover ensues... which includes very little sleep... morning happens... coffee happens... Nolan and I are both on slow as fuck boot cycles, meanwhile just waiting for the Spawn to join the land of the living.

Spawn wakes up, dives in for some anime and feeds herself breakfast.

Nolan and I get to cuddle for an episode of REVENGE!!! FUCK YEAH!!!

We hate that one asshole.

Can't even remember his name, but he's a rat. Emily will destroy him eventually.

Then it was time for Spawn and me to wind our wayward selves home.

Yes... I know... I'm leaving out a ton of shit.

I'm tired.

I can barely remember the better details of what happened.

I promise better reports on the days after I don't miss the last bus.

     - Drogo -  For right now, Drogo is People too.

Drogo has a very high probability of becoming more than People, but that decision is entirely out of my hands. It's completely up to him when, and how, and how far we're going to escalate this. If we escalate it at all. It's not up to me.

So, please don't think that he's any less wanted or needed than Hannah-cat. I fucking need him like the flowers need the rain.

I'm just determined to respect his boundaries and his pacing.

 - Undeclared -

     - Alpha-cub -  OMG, he emailed just to say 'hi, not ghosting you,' and followed with the knowledge that I'm spending time with the Spawn and he's leaving me to that. But, how fucking awesome is it that he checks in on me too??!!??!! And, come on, let's put this in some perspective.

NOT A BORING LOVER.

Totally and 100% understood the concept of 'don't ask, just escalate'. He fucking trusts me enough to know that I'll put a stop to something if I feel uncomfortable for any reason. So, consent has already been given, and if I don't say 'stop', consent is still a mother-fucking given!

He doesn't have a panic attack about violating a boundary if he's just moving his hand from my elbow to my shoulder. (ffs, I hate that shit!)

No.

Alpha-cub will fucking grab my wrists, pin them to the bed, and then fuck the tar outta me.

Thank the gods, someone gets it!

It's about damn time.

Potential(s) [TCN =Temporary Code Name]

 - TCN:Parker -  Well, this one is pretty unexpected. He's just a random Hello on Fet, barely even has a profile, but he's young and he's cute, and he seems to think that I'm cute too.

We cycled through some geeky talk when it came to the shows I've gotten the Spawn into, where I plan to go with her from here, and which content I feel to be a little mature for her yet...

And somehow this led to a Supernatural Snuggle Date so I could help him survive season one... on Friday the 13th.

Yeah...

I'll keep you posted.

Friends:

 - Elliot & Brielle -  The Spawn and I are getting picked up tomorrow evening about 7ish, we are greatly looking forward to this.

It's more for the Spawn than anyone else at this point. She fucking loves the fireworks.

I'm truly grateful to E&B for helping us out this year.

 - RuneWolf -  He did get back to us. He's unable to come to hang with the Spawn and me during this visit, but he's definitely interested and looking forward to a future opportunity to talk with her and share all he knows about the Asgardians.

 - Beast -  It was really great to finally meet him. Beast is an amazing Game Master.

I'm really sorry for being so distracted. The Spawn really wanted to take that stupid quiz!!

Beast is a great hugger in that "I've made friends with some sort of wild predator" kind of way.

Voices: [It’s been a really long time since I’ve had to do this, but I realized that I’m dissociating again. So, there are five other personalities in my head, and they all might have something to say.]

- Warrior:Sarah -  She gained a sense of 'brethren' with Beast last night. As in: this is someone who almost seems too nice on the surface, and might even find himself being rejected as 'too nice', but there's a difference between showing someone your good side and being 'too nice'

Right now, I feel like I'm almost on Beast's good side. I haven't gained his trust yet like Nolan has, but if I ever did gain his trust, I would feel very very very sorry for anything that intended me harm in his presence... He'd annihilate it in seconds.

- Healer:Anne -  She has her own thoughts but she's keeping them to herself.

- Creative:Code Monkey -  She is fucking helping Nolan set up his own blog on Friday whether Nolan likes it or not!

- Reticent:Alice -  yeah, hello panic... Someone make her some rose petal tea, already?!

- Child:AppleSeed -  She's where all my recent low self-esteem has been stemming from... this belief that I'm not pretty enough to gain someone's attention.

Bullshit... there's Hannah-Cat and Drogo, who are both so close to being way too good for us... but, every once in a while, we meet someone we'd like to play with and ... well... anyway.

Tales from the Accidental Unicorn: [Disclaimer: This is still my blog, and my primary source of soundboarding my emotions and complex thoughts. So, no pressure! I still just need a place to get this out in the open so I can sort it out in my head.]

I really want cuddles... but at the same time, they need their pair bonding time too...

End Notes:  

This has taken me almost 2.5 hours, and I still need to proofread...

Ugh...