There's something to be said for 'alone time'.
A little over a month ago, I wouldn't have said that.
I was so... wounded by Bran's leaving that the vacant spaces he left behind were killing me.
How could he do this to me?
AGAIN?!
How could he just leave me like that?
The emptiness in this apartment was like living in a black hole of pain.
...
...
... and then I said 'fuck this shit', and I started to fill that emptiness.
And now I'm so overflowing with love that I actually appreciate the downtime, lol...
When the fuck did that happen?
There have been so many surprises over the last few weeks.
My wonderful cuddle partner that I wouldn't give up for anything. He's so special. New to a lot of things that I can help him explore, and also a great teacher to me as well. The navigation of my own Pansexuality has seen choppy waters at times, but my Nolan has always been there to guide me through the straits.
My amazing Mentor that has finally given me the safety that I need so I can explore D/s and BDSM. His incredible ability to accept me as I am and to not judge the way that my mind works. The way he's able to guide me forward by resolving my fears and insecurities. And definitely, the way that he's so so so close to his own divinity that Drogo truly understands the awesome responsibility of having a Goddess bend to him.
My utterly surprising little girl-cub who came out of fucking nowhere and started showing me that I wasn't just a Goddess, but she began to guide me towards taking my place as a beautiful, Sapphic Cougar Queen. This perfect angel, with her lush lips and sensual curves. Her sweet demeanor and her ability to be so very adorable and tender. From the moment she leapt into my chamber of snuggles, all cute and lovable my fate was sealed. I knew I'd spend the rest of my days entranced by my Hannah-Cat.
(warm sigh)
And, I'm at peace with it all now, you know?
The life of a solo-Poly can take a lot out of a person, lol!
The emptiness and alone time where I get to regenerate my spoons.
I’m enjoying the simple pleasure of wishing Bran well on his journey and knowing I will be just as different of a person when he returns.
I can't predict what our relationship will hold, of course, but I hope we still find enough in common to make it work.
The loved ones that I have in my life, including those not mentioned here, but you'll often see them mentioned in the sections below. I have so many people to be thankful for, and so many potentials that I will very likely be thankful for.
I'm grateful, every day, that I said 'fuck this shit.'
I'm happy that I moved forward.
I'm happy that I'm loved.
I'm happy.
Mental Health / Self-Care:
- Spoons - I do have things on my list today... but, I also slept in on purpose.
Haven't done that in awhile.
- Writing - Here’s hoping!
- #YarnSlut - This too!!
Family:
- Spawn - It's always hard to say goodbye after we've spent so much time together. It's always sad, knowing what she's going back to. I know that the environment is unhealthy for her, but it is still her choice, and she chooses it.
Also, and I'm ashamed to admit this, I'm not capable of being a single parent.
Not one little bit.
Money, transportation, healthy food, spoons? Fuck, I haven't got any of that shit!
If Bran were here and he made a solid go at co-parenting, maybe I could pull it off...
(sigh)
Truth is... with the mental and physical illnesses piled up on me... I'm kinda fucked.
I hate it.
But it's true.
Her dad is better able to provide for her.
She hates it.
But she knows it's true too.
That's why she chooses to stay with him.
She doesn't choose him over me, no. Not by a long shot. Trust me.
She chooses food, comfort, the best school, better health care, and a puppy...
... and then on her weekends with me we trash talk the fuck out of him...
... lol.
Sweeties:
- Hannah-Cat - I miss her...
...
...
... not in that way where it's causing me so much distress that it's a detriment to my mental health or anything.
I don't miss her the way that I missed Bran during the 14 months that he was gone before.
It's not that half-in/half-out tearing my heart to pieces kind of miss.
It's the soft kind of 'I miss her'.
It's the kind where I can still feel her heartbeat and I can still feel how strongly it beats for me... and I just wish it was beating closer to mine...
... like, with our naked boobies all pressed together and stuff.
Cuddles [TCN =Temporary Code Name]
- Team Sweetie -
- Iron - I had a chance to tell him a little bit about Hannah-Cat. I didn't go too much into detail. Just told him that I had a girl fall in my lap and she was too cute not to adore the hell out of.
I also mentioned the possibility of the accidental unicorning. He was very appreciative of my situation and said that organic unicorning is awesome, and then we both agreed that unicorn hunting is 'shitawful' (his words).
He's still doing the BIG GEEKY THING, but it was lovely of him to still chat for a bit.
I remain hopeful'ish here.
I'm not putting ALL my faith on Iron to give me that sense of ALPHA that I know I desperately need from a male lover/partner. I know that he's a prime example of the exact type of Alpha Wolf that I'm looking for... but I've come to grips with the fact that he might not have enough left over in his life to devote anything to me...
I know that when it comes right down to it, I'm still seeking that 'Fated Mate' quality of a connection with my Alpha Wolf. Whoever he is.
Yeah, I know...
... Fated Mates.
Bet you never thought you'd hear me say that again, did you?
You know I even removed the tag/label from my previous entries? It's not even searchable anymore. You can't just 'click' and instantly find what I used to feel for Cuddle Crush, or even Jaded... I removed those tags too.
Whatever we were...
Whatever the fuck I thought we were...
It's over.
I'd still fuck the hell out of her. I'd still love her...
... but Fated Mates?
... are they even real?
I know there's a Wolf out there for me. I know that Alphas exist.
I know I want someone that's mine and not someone who's already partnered up with someone else when I meet him.
So... I guess hopeful'ish is sorta kinda maybe I don't know 'ish not exactly where I should be living when it comes to Iron.
He's probably in my life just to give me a taste.
He's there to provide a high-quality sampling of what it should feel like with a True-Alpha.
And I won't make any mistakes about my Wolf when I find him.
- People -
- Nolan - Our Dig Two Graves got canceled today...
... Nolan is aware that I have very mixed feelings about this.
On the one side, NOLAN!!! For Fuck's Sake! When are we going to dig our damn graves already?!!?!?!?!! Jeez! (not to mention setting up his fucking blog) [Ooo! Maybe I can just do that from here?!!?!?!?!]
On the other side, SPOOOOOOOONNNNNNSSSSSSSS!!!!
I have none.
The Spawn depleted my supply so fucking hard, omg.
I need a day or two of just being in my nest with my Netflix.
I'm back to being fucking lucky if I can even soak the dishes and wash them in one go instead of just spot washing the one I want to use.
Ugh...
End Notes:
Oh, wait...
... I have to shower today, don't I?
I think that wipes out my dishes spoon.
(sigh)
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