Hannah-Cat won't stand for that...

I learned so much about my adorable Hannah-Cat yesterday.

I feel profoundly enlightened, soulfully enamored, and sagaciously electrified.

I've discovered that while my girl is cute, cuddly, and comforting to me in every way... she's also the kind of girl who will absolutely shoot a dick off if it violates her.

She's a revolutionary with an unquestionably intense conviction to her own truths. She sees the whole macrocosm. She identifies issues on the grandest scale. It's not even the forest, it's the whole fucking ecosystem.

Yesterday, we discovered that I'm 100% microcosmic. I identify the issues that affect me. I might not even be a tree... I might just be a single leaf.

I have my reasons for this.

My mental illness is a daily fight for survival. It takes all of my energy, on a constant basis, just to maintain enough self-care to even manage my own environment and my limited contact with the outside world.

For me to get outraged over a wide range of socio-political issues is just foolishness. I just don’t have that kind of energy in my reserves.

So, if I have an opinion about something? It's because that 'something' either has an effect on me directly currently, it affected me in the past, or it has the potential to affect me (or someone I love) in the future.

If I speak out? It's because it's very fucking personal.

Unfortunately, absolutely every time I've ever opened my mouth? One of my so-called 'friends' has used that as a personal invitation to attack me and my point of view.

I've been bullied and called a racist when I had my own fucking reasons for disagreeing with a politician. I've been bullied and accused of silencing children when I had my own fucking reasons for telling tide pod eaters to shut the fuck up. And now I've been bullied and called a murderer when I have my own fucking reasons to not want to bring another child into this world with my own fucking body and I don't believe it's my right to take that choice away from anyone else.

The guy who called me a racist?

He was one of the people who trained me as a sex mage.

He was extra mother-fucking all up and deeply personal with me for an extended period of time and he should have fucking KNOWN ME BETTER THAN THAT or at least had the kind of compassion it would take to sit down with me and say 'hun, why do you feel this way?'

Instead, he ended our friendship.

That tide pod argument? I've known him since he was a freshman in high school... we have been through THE SHIT together. We worked it the fuck out. We're still friends and we still love the fuck out of each other.

This last one, though... (sigh) I don't know if the friendship can be salvaged after this. This is someone who's making it clear that he doesn't understand the concept of what is my personal space and what he is violating with his rhetoric in my personal space.

My reasons are fucking simple.

My reasons are DEEPLY fucking personal.

My reasons ONLY affect ME, MY LIFE, and the LIFE of any future tiny life form I might help bring into existence.

If I were forced to carry a child to term, myself and that child would be at exceptionally high risk of losing our lives.

If we managed to survive, the propensity for that child to inherit a whole fucking host of mental and physical illnesses is high.

If the child survived, there's still a very high probability that I would not. I would condemn that child to a life in the foster system.

IF...

IF IF IF IF IF IF IF...

I HAVE MY FUCKING REASONS AND THEY ARE ALL VERY FUCKING PERSONAL!!!

So, if I managed to convince even one person of why it would be significantly detrimental for me to carry a child to term? Why am I the only one who gets a pass?

No one can know all the circumstances... no one can arbitrarily pass a single law that accounts for every complication... no one can make sure that every unwilling mother and every unwanted child will be safe, cared for, and loved.

So, this fucker started trying to bully shit because I posted ONE fucking meme to this effect on MY profile.

And I let him have his say, and I mostly ignored him until it got personal...

Then Hannah-Cat just blazed in and shot his dick off.

So, now I'm afraid to have a voice again. I'm afraid to post anything to my profile because I know it's only going to piss someone off.

Hannah-Cat won't stand for that, though.

She's going to make sure no one else bullies me.

I have a feral kitten watching over me.

I can totally live with that.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Spoons -  Okay... so, I am in the absolute most dire fucking need of the Spoons today. And I'm hoping and praying for a low heat index, low humidity, and maybe even some overcast skies to help me out? (*looks up* Please? Help a girl out)

I learned that there actually is a bus that will get me in walking distance of both my bank and the big grocery store. The same route also takes me right to where I would load cash onto my prepaid credit card (so it's actually usable) too.

This will still involve walking enough distance that my inflammation will not be happy with me. I still can't decide if I want to justify using my little personal cart or not to help me carry things home. I don't plan to buy much. I can try to stuff it all in a backpack to make it easier, but... yeah.

I need an onion (for my homemade chicken noodle, I have everything else), Two dozen eggs will get me enough protein to last until the weekend. Some frozen pizzas so the Spawn and I can do our Friday thing. And I should really pick up some apples too... And flavored water enhancers, but those don't take up a lot of weight/space.

It'll be a tight fit, but I think I can manage.

(sigh)

If I don't hear from my temporary caseworker by Wednesday, though... Then I have to assume I'm going another week without help.

And then I'm fucked.

I won't have a choice. I'll have to be an imposition to someone. I'll have to swallow my PTSD and reach out and ask someone for a ride to Bloomington. That's where the closest Sam's Club is. That's where I pretty much stock up on a months worth of food in one go.

Ye godz, I'm fucking crying my eyes out just thinking about it. I fucking HATE asking for help. I hate having to depend on people. My caseworker is one thing, it's her fucking JOB, she gets paid to let me depend on her.

I'm not paying anyone else by being useless and unable to take care of myself.

Fuck.

I hate this.

I just wish that fucking bitch would do her fucking job already.

Sweeties:

  - Hannah-Cat -  I know, I know...

I opened with that super cute picture and everything, and then I went off on my own tangent. I guess I was just trying to say that Hannah-Cat and I learned things about each other yesterday.

I saw things through her eyes and I was able to understand why she fights the big fight.

As I addressed issues that we might disagree on, I gave her my very specific, very individualized reasons why that particular view worked for me, even if it might be unpopular with everyone else.

She was more than willing to see things through my eyes and she truly understood that my reasons were only based on what I needed for me.

She validated me.

Fucking hell, that is what you do when you really care about someone. You don't just get all up in their face and say YOU'RE WRONG and I'm going to post X-Many memes to prove my point!

In the virtual sense, she sat down with me and had an adult discussion about why I felt the way that I do. It was serene, charming, and heartwarming.

She made me feel so fucking safe.

She made me feel like we could disagree on something, and it wouldn't cost me this bond that we share. Like she'd never be that petty with me.

That's what I needed right at that moment.

I was feeling so attacked and violated and she was very soothing.

That's one of the things that I really enjoy the most about her... just that sense of absolute ataraxia. Like sitting alone with BUBBLES in one of those personal, water jet, hot tubs where you can get the water all the way up to your neck (boobs, knees, and feet covered too!)... or even the way that a professional massage or a Spa Day feels... or that first hit or morphine when you have a kidney stone...

It's temporary relief, yes.

Still have to go back to facing the real world, yes.

Enjoy the fuck out of it while it lasts, though?

Oh, fuck yes!

Cuddles [TCN =Temporary Code Name]

 - Team Sweetie -

     - Iron -  Last night he expressed a very Primal 'want' for me...

Granted, he spelled out a situation where I'd get very little enjoyment out of it because it'd be over too quickly... but, let's be fair, this is Iron we're talking about.

He's my fellow Alpha Wolf and Agent of Karma. He's the healer that removed all the blockages, allowing me to successfully launch Sarah Anne 2.0 in the first place.

He wouldn't just leave me hanging like that.

Ye, mother-fucking, godz do I ever need that Primal Wolf, though...

I really hope he's able to fulfill me.

 - People -

     - Drogo -  Now, THIS is fulfillment on an entirely different scale.

This is Mentor Magick with a Fellow God!

This is all about discovery, finding limits, testing them, working shit out... learning... growing... ahhh!!

This is trust.

Today might need to be all about the cuddle's, though. I'm truly expecting him to be fucking exhausted from the BIG GEEKY THING and I'm going to be all hollowed out from trying to get enough food to last me the week.

It's okay!

We have time.

I plan to work with Drogo for as long as he will have me.

Srsly?

If the day ever comes when I feel that I've outgrown his experience?

Fucking throat punch me.

End Notes:

It’s already hot today.

(pout face)