... So, I suppose you wanna hear about that orgasm, huh?

Guess what?

Turns out I'm not broken.

My vagina isn't defective.

All it took was a heavy dose of openness, vulnerability, and trust out of me and a whole lot of patience, skill, and care from my partner.

And then I'm 100%, fully capable of having a high-pitched, screaming orgasm so profound I squirt rainbows.

Yup...

... but we'll get to that in a bit!

ANYWAY!

Drogo and I had a lovely date.

He had suggested bringing dinner, but after learning of my dietary restrictions (Paleo for health reasons), he suggested just bringing ingredients to cook with instead.

That was fucking amazing!

I love simple shit like that. Cooking and sharing a meal together adds another layer of depth to a budding relationship. It brings in a sense of normalcy to the intimacy and allows for a more immersed bonding experience.

Sex is awesome and all, but I crave intimacy more. Both can happen, of course, but the sex is thousands of times better with the added layer of vulnerability that comes from true intimacy.

Take Hannah-Cat for example? She's hands down the cutest and sexiest thing that's ever crossed my path, and I adore the fuck out of her for that. Yet, the thing I think about the most with her? It's just how much I would love to cuddle up behind her, wrap my arms around her, and watch a movie with her.

Just the simple art of holding her close to me and appreciating the feel of her energy mixing with mine. Letting her feel vulnerable to me. Caring for her and making her feel safe. I get warm just thinking about it.

Dinner was awesome! Baked chicken and root veggies.

I had asked him how he enjoyed the BIG GEEKY THING, which eventually led to us talking about different types of games, gaming systems, and campaigns he'd like to launch where Hannah-Cat and I could start at the beginner level and really learn the system.

I've kinda played Vampire: The Masquerade before... if you count me logging into an IRC chatroom having never read a single book and just creating a character based on what I knew of Carpathian Mythology and totally winging it... yeah... I was young and stupid.

Drogo got me deeply belly laughing as we ended up discussing the kind of character that Hannah-Cat would most enjoy playing. Together we came up with a Radical Leftist Brujah that targeted Right Wing assholes, just to cuckold the men by seducing their wives, giving them wild orgasms, and then feeding on them right in front of their sorry excuses for husbands.

Wife and husband both left alive, of course.

The wives would probably end up blood dolls while the husbands had their masculinity completely stripped from them.

OMG! I'm still giggling. Hannah-Cat would love the FUCK out of that!

To be honest, we ended up talking about Hannah-Cat a lot.

It seems as if we both had somewhat similar experiences when it came to her claiming us. Like, there was just no choice... at any point... once she catches you in her cute beams, you just go all frozen for a moment and then you're in love...

If Hannah-Cat chooses you... you're chosen. She's just like a real fucking cat! Cat's choose their owners! She's very owned by Drogo, and she's got my Domme side out, which has never happened before.

Drogo and I even shared our songs for her with each other and we both agreed that the songs fit and fit our experiences with her.

I don't think either of us would ever regret being claimed by her.

AND WE CAN'T FUCKING WAIT TO GET HER IN THE MIDDLE AND CUDDLE THE FUCK OUT OF A HANNAH-CAT SANDWICH!!!

(warm sigh)

...

...

... So, I suppose you wanna hear about that orgasm, huh?

...

... we'll get there.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy -  Valkyrie's going to flip her fucking biscuits.

- Spoons -  Yeah, I ended up needing a 3-hour nap after midnight, and now it's after 5 am, and I'm in composition. Which means I'm going to post this, and then Med-Up and go back to sleep until just before I have to leave for therapy.

I *might* have enough of a spoon left over to clean up the kitchen before Iron gets here.

- Writing -  I want to start working on my Wolf-Prequel, which is about my Mentorship with Drogo. Now I have some actual material to work with, so this should get easier.

- #YarnSlut -  It’ll happen.

Physical Health / Self-Care:

- Blood Sugar -  I did stop by the pharmacy and they're putting in a request for the control solution. I think I need to calibrate my glucometer, but the pharmacist seemed to think that my other one was just old.

Bullshit. My last A1C was fucking perfect. The new glucometer is off, you dick.

Sweeties:

  - Hannah-Cat -  My broken closet door has been re-hung.

This is extremely good news.

Hannah-Cat is still in recovery and transportation will be an issue for a bit longer (maybe longer than a bit), but once it's all sorted...

(big grin)

I want to do a babyproofing walkthrough with her so that we can identify problem areas and restructure them (temporarily - like moving some of the lower nicknacks) - then she and Little Bean can come over.

My date with her wouldn't have to be cut short because she'd have to be back by a certain time to pick him up.

She could just be with me and relax. Unrestricted, not having to worry at all about her child because he'd be right there.

We could cook together and share a meal...

She could even spend the night if she were so inclined.

I'd have that time to bond with her and earn more of her trust.

Her sense of safety is my top priority. I want to give her more time to get to know me and hear my stories so that she knows that I'm strong enough to enjoy the hell out of her, without coming to rely on her.

She makes me ecstatically happy, but my happiness doesn't ride on her. I'm fine without it. I just happen to really love the fuck out of it when I get to feel it.

Taking absolute delight in something isn't the same as developing a dependency on it, and I think she gets that confused a little bit. It's a totally normal reaction from her, though. It's nothing that either of us is doing wrong or anything like that.

Perhaps I'm a tad overzealous in my appreciation, but it's just going to take time for her to trust that I'm not detrimentally addicted to her.

I'm fine with that.

She can take all the time she needs.

I'm just looking forward to having those long moments of closeness and bonding where we can build that trust.

(floaty hearts)

- AmbiguSweeties -    

  - Pathfinder -  He has news for me! I guess there have been some advancements in his personal development that he wants to share with me.

I told Drogo about Pathfinder and Drogo referred to Pathfinder as my 'Comet Relationship' - that Pathfinder will swing around my way at very short but distant intervals, but we still have a profound connection.

Yeah. (nods) I'd say that's pretty accurate.

Pathfinder and I seriously don't need anything more than a couple of hours together once or twice a year to feel connected. We can always feel each other and we don't experience any separation anxiety from being apart.

(shrug) I don't know. It just is what it is.

Cuddles [TCN =Temporary Code Name]

 - Team Sweetie -

     - Iron - He let me know that our date would be cut short a bit and asked if that was okay with me. I said that was more than fine and that I felt any time with him was valuable.

He said he just didn't want me feeling used, and that I've had too much of that already. (heart melts)

He's never given me any reason to believe that he would be using me.

He offered to take me errand running before we let the Wolves out to play, but my one remaining errand is the big grocery trip that would have eaten up all our Wolf time.

Honestly? I need the Wolf more.

This has been an urgency for far too long.

 - People -

     - Drogo - ...

... what?

... Oh, right. That orgasm!

Post dinner we retired to the Chamber of Snuggles. There was some bonding/claiming... Drogo knows how much I need to feel my lover get a little possessive of me.

I swear nothing gets me squirmier or wetter than someone getting a fistful of hair and growling the word 'mine' in my ear. Oh, and I whimper... it just hits my buttons all the way down to my core.

He spent some time just pulling my hair in exactly the right way and enjoying the moans that got out of me.

Then it was my turn to worship the fuck out of him. I take so much pleasure in running my touch along the surface of his skin.

Then I made a HUGE mistake... in an attempt to hover over him I put too much pressure on my left hip.

My hips are already mad at me because a) too much solitary sex magick, and b) all that walking I'd done earlier.

I was in pain.

Drogo suggested we switch sides on the bed so he could make my hip a bit more agreeable. This part was pretty wonderful because it was an excellent primer for when we get into pain play. He had to hurt me in places, and I was very vocal about the hurting, but I didn't stop him. I didn't shrink or pull away. I didn't resist.

I just allowed myself to open to him.

This was noted!

Once my hip had started being nice again, I was treated to some really good spanking. Fuck, he knows what he's doing! He had me moaning at such a pitch that he thought I was close to cumming.

LOL, no... that's just my intensity at play. I was only just getting warmed up... but this was still an important part of the process...

First, the 'being open' to him, and then the spanking that promised of pleasures to come.

Somewhere in there, my pants had to go away. I was most agreeable to this as well...

The next part was the talent and care of his fingers.

The added layer here was the intimacy of how he was holding me close to him as he explored my core. He was in close contact with my whole body and that seemed to have a very profound effect on keeping me open and vulnerable.

He used different techniques, but mostly it was either a deep, hard pounding or hooking into my g-spot.

And I just rode the sensations. All I knew was that it felt good... I was moaning, close to screaming, back to moaning...

Then this one scream tore its way out of me... long, and loud, and at a higher pitch than any noise I've ever made before in my life.

I really didn't understand what had just happened. There wasn't that sense of vaginal clenching that I'd get with a clitoral orgasm.

But, then Drogo told me that I'd just squirted...

WHAT?!

OMFG... yeah... I did... halfway up his forearm even!

Whatever that sensation was that had pulled that scream out of me... it had apparently been my first real orgasm.

Yeah... wow... I felt it after, definitely. Leading up to that point I'd felt this persistent sensation of 'hollowness' in my core. Like something was missing.

After that, the sensation was gone. I felt satisfied.

Fed.

I'm so amazed to learn that I can experience this with the right level of care, trust building, and attention.

It was wonderful.

 - Undeclared -

     - Alpha-cub - He checked in on me and it was so lovely to hear from him. We're working out plans to see each other again soon. (squee!)

Reasons:

 - Jaded - She was included in the post-shower nudie blast today... again this got us talking about seeing each other soon...

I don't know how much of a thing we're going to be, but we're going to be something. AmbiguSweeties, maybe?

Just casual... I'm good with that. My love for her is truly unconditional because I'm in love with her Reason now. That leaves me free to have any relationship type she wants, without my getting emotionally attached to her.

I love her.

I don't need her.

She can need me any way she needs to, and I'll be there for her. Loving her Reason means that she's already benefited me. I've already taken the value that I needed from our relationship.

From here, we're just free to express ourselves.

She's in need of a lot of healing. I'm hopeful that she'll let me in this time.

Tales from the Accidental Unicorn: [Disclaimer: This is still my blog, and my primary source of soundboarding my emotions and complex thoughts. So, no pressure! I still just need a place to get this out in the open so I can sort it out in my head.]

Drogo and I did actually discuss this a little bit. His feelings were mixed because of how he identifies a Unicorn as being such a derogatory thing with the way they are treated by Unicorn Hunters.

I totally respect his opinion.

I'm still not offended by the concept because I do still regard his relationship with Hannah-Cat to be the Primary.

I am absolutely, intentionally, putting myself second.

I do want the stability of a relationship with them, but I also still need to do a lot of exploring and healing on my own too.

I was having so much trouble articulating it!!

GAH! What I meant is that I want to be their Sweetie, perhaps?

Definitely way more emotionally attached than 'just sex', but not quite as severe as 'girlfriend'. That sweet spot, right in the middle, between sex and serious.

I wouldn't love them any less than I would if it were serious. I probably love them too fucking much already.

It's just too soon for me to get serious with anyone.

My heart was shredded only two months ago.

I've healed a lot.

But, I've got a really really really long way to go.

End Notes:

Almost 6:30 - I want to get this posted and try to get back to sleep.