I know I pretty much opened with this yesterday... just how hard the fourth is for me to survive without a partner of some kind. How alone it makes me feel that no one is holding me during what is pretty much the highlight of celebrating my birthday.
I always have the Spawn with me, and I will always have her with me until the end of time, but even she feels it too. She wishes she had a 'dad-figure' there for her to lean up against as well.
Or, rather, yesterday... I know she was feeling what I was feeling.
She knew my heart was longing for Hannah-Cat, and she would have been just as happy to lean up against Mom's girl-cub. She'd probably bond to Hannah-Cat as more of an Aunt or an older sister than a second Mother-figure. Even if older sister would make it a bit weird.
I made it through, though.
Another year gone.
I'm 45 now.
I'm literally the absolute, dead center, perfect Cougar age.
Like I really need a t-shirt or a sash or something. Something to single me out as the best person for a hot young thing to bond too right now.
Though I have to admit, Hannah-Cat is kinda where all my Cougar energy is focused at this time.
It's just the way I am. I bond with a person and I feel like I need to fully immerse myself into that relationship and let it seep into every cell of my being.
She was so fucking missed yesterday.
Unfortunately, due to unforeseen difficulties, seeing her again will not be happening any time soon.
It's painful to admit that now that I've tasted her, the online relationship just isn't enough, and it makes me wonder what the fuck I was doing with Jaded for so long. How did I think I loved her like that when she was just words on a screen?
I guess, now it makes sense why Jaded never really loved me back because I wasn't in real-space with her either.
(sigh) I guess I get it now... online relationships are shit.
I need the real thing.
I need my Hannah-Cat <3
Don’t get me wrong!! It'll work out. We'll get out time together soon. I'm very patient, of course!!
I’m just coming to grips with the fact that I was an idiot (in the past) about online relationships meaning anything when the real thing is so much better. I’m not saying Hannah-Cat is ‘less than’ because we’re resigned to online for now.
She’s still my girl!!
Always.
Family:
- Spawn - This is our last day together for our little Mom's Birthday mini-vacation. I know she's excited to go home to her puppy, but she fucking hates the idea of going home to her dad. I know she's going to miss me.
This sucks.
Sweeties:
- Hannah-Cat - Despite all my birthday blue depression, my sweet girl actually gave me one of the best gifts that I've ever been given. I don't even think she realized how much it would mean to me.
In the morning, she sent me a screenshot and asked me 'is this okay?'
And it was of one of her social media profiles where she was actually going public with a relationship status regarding me.
Oh, my mother-fucking godz...
My heart just about exploded into a shower of pink glitter.
Hannah-Cat would be the second person in existence to go public with a relationship status. The first being her partner, Drogo... So, how fitting is that? That the first two people to ever claim me are those two?
I cried so many fucking happy tears yesterday... you have no idea.
This is also why I missed her so much in particular during the fireworks show.
She's my girl.
I'm her Cougar.
I'm happy.
Cuddles [TCN =Temporary Code Name]
- Team Sweetie -
- Iron - He tapped in with the Happy Birthday, but he's now occupied by the BIG GEEKY THING for the next few days, so there won't be much in the way of tap-ins or updates.
- Zane - He tapped in with the Happy Birthday as well and we got caught up just a little bit. He's heading into a less busy phase with work, so we might get to hang out again soon. That would be nice.
I still need another two members of Team Sweetie to round out the group... not sure who those two are going to be.
- People -
- Nolan - I'm sad that my sweet Nolan is unwell. He needs his Emily snuggles badly and it sounds like our next Dig Two Graves has just been borked. FUCK.
- Drogo - Also tapped in with the Happy Birthday and we had a quick but small-talky chat. He's also occupied with the BIG GEEKY THING, so I won't be hearing from for a few days either.
Potential(s) [TCN =Temporary Code Name]
So... I'm struggling a little bit with something here when it comes to potentials.
I know I put out those open cuddle calls... and I know I need to keep the temple doors open... but, I'm really having a difficult time with potential cuddlers that I know I'm not going to have the slightest physical attraction towards and that I see no future with.
Some of them still want to cuddle me... and I feel like I should let them... but at the same time... I don't want to.
I need guys with some backbone.
I need the more Dominant and aggressive types who are just going to grab me, pull me into their arms and snuggle the stuffin outta me. Guys like Drogo, DIE!, Iron, and Alpha-cub. I need men. I need assertive. I need the ones who feel like a beast is just under the surface. I need the wild ones. The fangs and the claws.
I have a guy or three trying to make the list who are more like the petrified fully grown puppy that runs at the slightest sound, shakes uncontrollably, and makes the little submissive piddles on the floor if you try to acknowledge it in any way.
And, I'm just not looking forward to this.
Look. If I say it once, I don't want to have to say it again. Fucking consent is given. Don't ask, just escalate. TRUST ME to be STRONG ENOUGH to put a fucking STOP to something if I feel at all uncomfortable with the situation. I've already told you that I'm touch-friendly and to just let your hands wander.
Don't have a fucking panic attack and ask fucking permission every fucking time you want to move your fucking hand. Being asked for permission to go from forearm to elbow, from elbow to bicep, from bicep to shoulder... just MOVE YOUR FUCKING HAND ALREADY!!
And for the love of the gods please stop fucking saying that you just don't want to risk violating my boundaries in any way and that it's the last fucking thing that you want.
Were you even listening when I said I pretty much have 'no boundaries?'
Ass to mouth is a hard limit. THERE! There's your fucking boundary. Is your cock in my ass yet? No? Well then maybe you should just not worry about touching my fucking shoulder.
Fucking hell...
Spending the entire evening on the energetic level of cleaning up someone's submissive pee is really not my idea of a good time.
Friends:
- Elliot & Brielle - Bless them!!
It's really hard basically being a single mother without transportation on a major fucking holiday.
Elliot & Brielle came to the rescue this year and we had a really good time at the fireworks show.
Well, up until the wind decided to blow the smoke cloud our direction and it obscured over half the fireworks, LOL.
It doesn't matter. The Spawn loved it and that's all that mattered.
It really meant a lot to me.
End Notes:
We just started the new season of Voltron...
I'm off!!
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