[My sincere apologies in advance. This entry will be covering both the events of the 14th and the 15th of July. Mostly because the 14th bled significantly into the 15th and then the rest of the 15th I spent in bed, doing nothing.]
--
Today I've been thinking a lot more about what defines my stance in this Solo-Poly gig.
How is it possible that I am both 'seeking deeper relationships' but also needing things to be 'not too serious' so that I can continue to explore unhindered?
And if things like last night become a thing... poly-saturation won't be just a question, it will be a reality. How do I still explore then too?
Fuck.
I'm not ready to settle down yet. It hasn't even been two months. And, yet, I have people that I feel so close to. Close enough to want to spend as much time with them as I can.
I have my reasons here.
I really do.
Look, it comes down to this:
I. Am. Damaged.
The who and what I present on the surface may seem like she has her shit together, but that's only because I've become so desensitized to my own trauma that severely broken is my baseline.
My emotional, mental, and spiritual pain tolerance is so fucking high because I honestly don't even remember a time when I wasn't in pain.
I can remember variants like 'tolerable pain', 'productive pain', and ''omfg, I can't breathe' pain'...
... but let's face it...
... let's really just sit down and fucking face the facts here for a moment.
I'm being held together by nothing more than duct tape and safety pins inside. 98% of my day is devoted to self-care and recovery.
I've had trauma layered on top of trauma for the last seven years.
And then, after all the catastrophic loss in May... yes, just two months ago... I just feel that I have absolutely no business getting into any kind of a serious relationship with someone... anyone... especially not multiple people.
Yes, I can love. I can be loving. I can probably even be IN love, for whatever that's worth...
But it can't be the way that I loved Bran, or Jaded.
I can't go 'all in' and devote my entire being to someone.
Whatever I seek now, it can't be a 'Mate' level pairing. I can't get involved on a future 'life partner' scale.
And YES! Shut up. I know I'm totally contradicting myself here.
I know that it was only entries ago that I was seeking my Enbie Genderfluid and my Alpha Wolf to complete me.
Allow me to clarify:
I still want to find/meet them.
From my Enbie, I still want the sensation of being that person who will accept and love them. I still want/need to hold that precious heart in my hands.
From my Alpha Wolf, I really do need the Predator:prey side of me to be satisfied. I need the capture and the overpower. I need the sex so rough that it'll break me. I've needed that my whole life and I'm only now just coming to grips with that (but that's another entry)
I still need/want those partners, yes but I don't want to marry them, yet.
I want to feel pack level bonds, yes. I want to find my people, yes.
I just still want to breathe and to continue to grow that network of people too.
And please, be willing to face this with me...
I still have a long long road of recovery ahead of me.
I'll never ask anyone to save me.
However, I really do need good people by my sides to keep me company while I save myself.
Mental Health / Self-Care:
- Therapy - I still have plans to talk to Valkyrie about the 'accepting help' (or even asking for it) thing. Don't let me forget.
Therapy is on Tuesday.
- Spoons - It took all day to work up the 'bleh' to take a nap so that I could reset and refocus my brain powers... (shakes head) Some days it's so weird being me.
Also... craving cake... cake pan is dirty from the last cake...
(sigh)
- Writing - This Monday (the 15th) is Nolan's day. - not likely to get any writing done -
- #YarnSlut - Eventually.
- Fur-babies - MAJOR Dreamy snuggles!! Also, there was some fur-therapy from the extended dinner date. Super cute doggo and an equally cute kitty cat.
Family:
- Spawn - We had a really great weekend, but I would attribute that way more to House Roland than I would her time with me.
On Saturday, we got as far as we could into the Twilight Saga before it was time to head out (yes, she still likes it, yes, we're still letting it slide because she's in the demographic)
The Spawn does NOT like long public transit trips. She will, inevitably, at some point, always ask how much longer she has to tolerate it. She's been pretty spoiled by her father driving her everywhere, sp this is a really new experience for her.
Upon arrival at House Roland, she was immediately greeted by the doggo. And everyone loved the fuck out of her Stabby the Unicorn t-shirt. I even got to tell the story about how that shirt fits her personality so well. The shirt was a total hit. They appreciate strong women, so for her to be so cute and so deadly, she definitely warmed a few hearts there.
Dinner was nom, and Roland was MAXIMUM sweet. He'd found out that she'd never seen ANY of the Halloween movies, and that I didn't have the luxury of being able to rent them. So, after dinner, he rented the very first/original 1978 version for her because he's just that awesome.
She really liked the movie but after that, there was some contention. Roland and his lovely wife TCN:Ali became very protective of us when they noticed the time and the lateness of the hour. The Spawn and I were soon shown to our sleeping arrangements and told we could leave when the sun was back up.
It was fucking adorable.
In the morning, the Doggo cuddled with the spawn until she woke up, and Roland fed her a D20 Waffle with Nutella on it.
We made our way home not long after. Then the Spawn requested some private time with her anime so she could discuss it more with her best friend the next day.
Unfortunately, JerkDad decided to show up 15 fucking minutes EARLY to pick her up. She had 9 minutes left of her episode and hadn't even changed clothes or packed yet.
She was exceptionally frustrated by this.
I miss her already.
- Green Paladin: Nolan - It feels like for fucking EVER since I cuddled my Nolan. There will be some Grave Digging and I'm planning a surprise! It’ll be Game Night too. (squee for Beast hugs!)
- BDSM-D/s: Drogo - He's been tapping in a little bit, but I hope we get a chance to chat soon... I'm missing the fuck outta him right now. I also really can't wait until our next session... two weeks seems like a really long time to wait between play times.
So. much. worship. omfg... just to snuggle up to him and touch him again.
I hope we get up to toys!! (vibrates with excitement) - either pain or pleasure, I don't care which! I'm totally anxious to experience both with him given how much my body trusts him.
I can't help it. I just want to let go and let my body be his to manipulate. I want whatever sensations he can bring me... I want it all!
RAWR!
- Primal/Alpha: Iron - Not so much with the tapping in here... I hope we're okay... (frowny face)
Cougar/cubs:
- Hannah-Cat - OMG, the BEST NEWS!! It sounds like my Hannah-Cat is mobile again!!
Like... so much mother-fucking squee!!
I need her in my arms so badly.
I've missed her so much.
- AlphaCub - He totally admits that he's been studying me... hunting me... and that he's glad that I noticed.
Shhh...
... I think he's gladder that it turns me on so fucking much.
Just don't tell him I said that.
(winx)
Comets:
- Never Enough - Sounds like he's going to read my blog entries about Drogo and Iron when he gets the chance... that should give him some self-pleasure material, lol!!
Cuddles [TCN =Temporary Code Name]
- People -
- Roland - Okay, you need to brace yourself, because there is a LOT of fucking swooning happening here.
First I want to catch you up to speed, though.
Short version, my side: I've had this ache in my chest for a really long time. This emptiness of wanting to be close to Roland and the dull, throbbing pain that I'd fucked up what I thought was my only chance.
Short version, his side: He remembers none of why he was so angry with me all those years ago. MUCH more importantly, though? Because I don't think I told any of you this... ever since that chat where he'd been really sweet to me? He's had a bit of a crush on me.
I KNOOOOWWWWW!!!!
HE was crushing on ME!
The what the fuckery abounds.
He said that he'd see my picture flit across his news feed and he'd thought I was really pretty. He said he'd thought/wondered how nice it would be to be with me.
Also, after I reached out to him... he didn't stop thinking about kissing me.
Fucking hell my panties are getting wet just thinking about his reaction to me.
You all fucking know this about me. You know how unwanted I feel... especially after May. Lately, it's been a mix. There are relationships where I've pursued the other person... there are relationships where the other person pursued me (cough*Hannah-Cat*cough!)... but this was a bit different.
This is something where hidden, mutual desires came to the surface and then they were actually fucking acted upon. We made it fucking happen.
(Yes, I'm glaring at Jaded here.)
It's just that Roland needed me, and I knew that he needed someone. There was a reason that I sucked it the fuck up and reached out to him.
Roland's online persona can be a touch abrasive. He has a socio-political standpoint that is nothing short of unpopular. And yes, I'm absolutely aware of this about him.
However, I also know who he is as a person. I know how deeply loving and protective he is. And frankly, a person is MORE than just their socio-political standing! Just because one component of their personality is abrasive, it doesn't automatically discard the rest of them as garbage.
Roland is a sweet, sweet, yes I'll say it mother-fucking again, sweet person to know.
Fuck... loving and protective? Those are just words, and as words, they are extreme understatements to how far he will go when it comes to the people he cares about... or even just the stranger on the street if he sees something untoward happening in his surroundings.
Roland is unparalleled in his willingness to fight when it comes to shielding someone else from harm.
And yes, I find that absolutely dead mother-fucking sexy about him.
--
So, our dinner date.
The Spawn and I stepped off the train and I looked to my right, and then I looked to my left. And there was his familiar shape already walking towards us.
Roland has an unmistakable shape. Even my poor eyesight will always know it's him no matter how far in the distance he is away from me. He is singular, distinctive... legendary.
Once he got close enough, we just flowed into each other, like the way that waves will sometimes crash into each other in the mid-ocean, only this was much more gentle. An overwhelming, mutual need to be in each other's arms. We held each other for long, tight, tighter, and less tight moments until we finally pulled back and he asked if he could kiss me. Of course, I said yes.
The first kiss was super awkward, we kinda missed... but it's okay.
You all know how much I fucking love awkward.
He turned and began to lead us away. We chatted small talk and he explained that there would be another friend joining us for dinner as well. As we were walking, Roland sidled up to me, ran his hand over my back, and then brought his fist up into my hair, tugging it just fucking right.
I mean it... JUST. FUCKING. RIGHT.
I was unable to give him my full reaction, though.
We arrived at House Roland and introductions were made. I immediately went over to Roland's lovely wife, TCN:Ali, because she was holding the very excited doggo back from excitedly tackle pouncing us. I went over to let the doggo smell and lick me, and then she released him so he could go tackle pounce the Spawn. I gave her a hug. She seemed like she needed a hug.
Conversations were lite, these were all very good people and I loved being around them. TCN:Ali spent most of that time getting dinner prepared and another friend of theirs dropped by for a quick chat as well.
To be honest, I can't remember what we talked about. I was just so fucking happy to be in Roland's presence. I'd waited 15 fucking years for that moment and I was savoring every fucking drop of it.
Dinner was served, and at that point, room was made for Rolland to sit next to me... (ahem... squirm... squee... rawr... yes...)
Dinner over and we watched the movie, Roland and I got a little bit cuddly. More with the 'yes please'. There were a few times that fist of his found its way into my hair again and omfg... you have no idea how hard it was to hold back on my responsiveness.
The Spawn, and two other people were RIGHT THERE, it would have been very inappropriate for me to respond fully to what that fist in my hair was doing to me. So, I held back.
A lot.
After the movie, the friend left, and TCN:Ali and I got to talking... meanwhile Roland was falling asleep right next to me. Poor guy, he'd been awake for far too long.
I felt terrible for keeping them both up way past their bedtimes and I suggested to the Spawn that we should be leaving.
Not quite sure what the hell happened... but that was when Roland and TCN:Ali kind of kidnapped us and said that we weren't allowed to leave alone that late at night. They weren't comfortable with the dangers they felt the Spawn and I could be facing. So, sleeping arrangements were made...
I was up and taking care of a few last minute bedtimey things when I walked past Roland and he captured me.
YES! I legit mean that he captured me.
He stopped me, got his arms around me from behind, got his fist in my hair and then he came down on the back of my neck with his powerful jaws...
Once again, I had to stay absolutely as quiet as possible, using every single ounce of strength in me to hold back on my responsiveness. Once again, because the Spawn was right in the very next room, and she could pretty much see and hear us even though she was already curled up with her eyes closed.
He released me and I finished what I needed to finish while he took a seat at his desk... right next to where the futon was (the one I was about to sleep in). I grabbed a pillow and laid down close to him.
This part of our conversation gets a little poignant because it's something that exists between us. A little bit of 'law of attraction' on both sides.
He was taking a bit of a beating in the world of social networking... he was hurt by what was happening and I think it's even safe to say that he was feeling attacked, but mostly he was feeling hurt.
I'd seen what a beating he was taking. That was precisely the reason that I sucked it the fuck up and I reached out to him. I felt very strongly that he needed a healer and a friend in his life. I knew I had it in me to be that healer and friend if only he would let me.
He had to be willing to let me in... and then I could be someone that would give him the unconditional love and support that he needed.
If only he'd let me in.
And... as it would happen to turn out, he felt a great need for exactly that. Exactly what I was offering him, only we took it well past friendship and deep into lovers lightning quick.
So, there he was, sitting at his desk and telling me how happy he was that I'd reached out to him, and the reason why he needed someone like me in his life right at that moment.
And there I was, telling him that I knew he needed someone, and that was the reason why I'd reached out.
Truth be told, all I had was hope and a prayer that he would accept me. And this stunning man welcomed me with such an open embrace and such deep kisses that I feel truly honored.
To have his trust and his protection... to be needed and to answer that need... it's all just so fucking beautiful.
Morning comes and the sunlight is being aggressively violent towards my eyelids. I have to move at one point just to keep it away from me. Once again, I'm close to Roland as he sits at his desk, but I'm drifting in and out of REM patterns in an unusual way... and THAT is fucking saying something!!
Roland's aura is so protective that I can reach REM sleep when he's near me. That never fucking happens!!
Verticality happens... coffee happens... I go to sit next to TCN:Ali and engage her in conversation while the Spawn is still sleeping.
We talk about our geek upbringings and what shaped us into the geeks that we are today. We didn't have a lot of the same experiences, but we seemed to connect enough to understand the experiences that the other had enjoyed. She really is a fascinating woman.
The Spawn awoke and breakfasted. TCN:Ali ran off to do some shopping. It was time for the Spawn and me to no longer be guests of the fabulous House Roland.
Roland walked us to the train, helped me pay for our fares, and waited with us until our train arrived.
I hugged him goodbye... and I missed him already.
I know I'll see him again in just a few short days... but my craving for him is profound.
I can't wait for him to find out how I really respond to having my hair pulled.
End Notes:
The hour grows late again.
I’m going to post this and get some food in me… Then I have some prep work to get ready for my cuddle date with NOLAN!!
SQUEEEEE!!!
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