For those of you who may still have been worried about my food running out today, I sincerely beg your forgiveness for forgetting to update you that a grocery shopping trip did happen yesterday.
All it took was weeks of agonizing and the overwhelming fear of daring to ask a friend for help, and I was finally able to work up the nerve to text my caseworker who is currently on maternity leave. I apologized for the inconvenience and told her that I was going to be out of food soon.
My temporary caseworker contacted me almost right away and got me down for a Sam’s Club run.
(heavy sigh)
... yeah... so, that happened.
Food won't be an issue now. I have my temporary caseworker's contact information now and we're going to stay on top of this. She's also going to look into solving my internet problems as well.
Right, so... food. I'm covered.
But, clearly, there's a much more insidious point of contention here.
It was also brought up yesterday when I was chatting with Roland.
I'm unaccustomed to kindness.
So much so that I become detrimentally crippled when it comes to asking for help. I'm even worse when a kindness is offered. My gut reaction is to reject it because I can't tolerate the notion of being an inconvenience to someone. It takes absolutely all of my strength to accept a kindness without complaint once it's been offered.
And I know what this is.
I know exactly what this fucking is.
And this still remains one of those things that I'm utterly powerless over because this is one of my PTSD symptoms that involves my interpersonal relations.
You give me any PTSD issue where I just have to confront my own solitary bullshit? You know exactly what I'll do. I'll find my fucking trigger, stab the slippery little mother-fucker with a barbeque fork and then I'll grab the blowtorch. KILL IT WITH FIRE!
You give me a trigger where something risks my relationship with someone else? I'm totally frozen in place. Deadlocked in my misery. Unable to function like a normal fucking human being.
Fuck, it took me weeks of agonizing and the threat of starvation to even text my caseworker, and she gets PAID to worry about me.
So, I really need to make this absolutely fucking clear to all of you reading this, because I know some of you are actively and directly involved in my life now.
This is PTSD in its purest form.
This is six years worth of my narcissist beating it into me that I was worthless, needing help was the worst kind of weakness, and kindness always came at a price that was too heavy to pay.
It takes a metric fuck-ton of trust building to get me past any of that, but even then, you have to understand that even with my current limitations, I'm used to being forced to survive on my own.
So... please... don't tell me to just 'ask' if I need something. Understand that I can't. Instead, please check on me and force me to tell you if I need help with something.
Please don't tell me to just 'accept kindness' if it seems like I'm pulling away from it. Pin me the fuck down, reassure the hell out of me and tell me that it's okay.
I'll do my part too.
I'll talk to my therapist about how to challenge this one. Okay?
I just think I'm going to need a lot of support though too.
Mental Health / Self-Care:
- Writing - I seem to be needing long brain breaks between writing each profile page to help you all out with knowing who the fuck is who and what the fuck is what here... so, please bear with me. I'm about to start writing the pages for the Cougar/cub relationships, but it's also my weekend with the Spawn and we have a dinner date tonight.
Family:
- Spawn - We started our evening last night by taking the absolute cutest mother/daughter pic I think we've ever taken. Srsly, if I didn't show it to you, ask. You're welcome to see it.
We did our thing where we just talked each other's ears off for hours and I told her about Roland and our dinner date tonight.
I feel so fucking bad. I canceled on RuneWolf for this.
I'm a bad friend.
Also, I noticed that Amazon Prime has the entire Twilight Saga.
The Spawn and I were going to save that for our Thanksgiving Movie Marathon (because I wanted her to see just how terrible it is), but we decided to jump on it now since it's available.
Um...
... so...
... cut her some slack here...
... she's 14 and developing some emo leanings.
She's pretty much THE target audience for this type of movie, and she's kinda liking it.
Please send me your suggestions for GOOD paranormal romance movies that are appropriate for a 14-year-old.
DON'T suggest the 1992 'Bram Stoker’s Dracula', that fucking drivel was James V. Hart's Dracula and if I ever meet this guy I'm going to gut out his spleen with a salad fork, shoot him in the kneecaps, and force him to watch old episodes of Barney the Dinosaur until he bleeds out.
And then I might just employ the services of a necromancer so I can do it again.
The real Mina Harker was tall, blond, plain, pious as fuck, and reputed to be 'almost as smart as a man' (high praise for a woman back then). She was disgusted by what Dracula did to her and she used the psychic connection to lead the hunters to destroy him.
James V. Hart turned her into a short, brunette. Super pretty, with lesbian tendencies. Made her dumber than a fucking post. Caused her to REVEL in becoming part vampire and she was the main fucking reason the asshole got away!
Don't you fuck with my Mina Harker you worthless pile of dog snot. I will hunt you down one day!
- Green Paladin: Nolan - Again, Nolan is super proud of me for speaking up for myself a little bit more lately...
Gah... if only he knew how hard I cry every time I have to do it.
He's super excited to see me on Monday, though and I'm in some wicked need of my Nolan cuddles, so I can't wait either.
It will be nice to see Beast again too.
Cougar/cubs:
- Hannah-Cat - She went pretty much all of yesterday without saying a word to me, despite the fact that I was apparently on her mind a lot and she was missing me terribly.
I left her alone because I know she's dealing with a lot right now and I didn't need her to feel like she was carrying me too.
Can you believe she was actually worried that I'd be angry with her for not talking to me?
Like... omg, little one... no no no no no... how could I ever be angry?
My sweet little girl-cub has a fucking life, and she has some issues right now and things need to be dealt with.
(so many hearts)
Relax... take care of what needs taking care of... I'll always be here to support you when you need me.
Comets:
- Never Enough - Just as I was sitting down to write this entry, I got an email from Never Enough telling me that he'd just pleasured himself while thinking of me. (big smiles) He still promises me that he'll meet me one day.
I'm genuinely looking forward to that day.
Cuddles [TCN =Temporary Code Name]
- Undeclared -
We've been chatting... and I opened the door by telling him that if he had any curiosities, he was more than welcome to ask questions.
He asked where I thought this might be going between us and where I hoped it might go.
There are not enough swoons in the romantic world of swoons to compensate for all the swoons I used up when he asked me that question.
Usually I'M the one thinking about this and asking these kinds of questions.
I don't know what it is from his end, but I know that when I feel strongly enough about someone to ask that kind of a question, it usually means that I'm already starting to get emotionally attached and that I need some sort of reassurance that it's okay. Or it means that I really want a deeper relationship, but I'm afraid of moving too fast.
So, I did my best to be tender with him, just in case he needed that same kind of reassurance or fear quelling. I told him my stance on not getting too serious right now because I'm still recovering from very recent relationship traumas, but I left the door wide as hell open on becoming Sweeties. I think he'd make an excellent candidate for a Sweetie position. And they're all vacant now too since I gave Hannah-Cat her status upgrade.
I let him know that Sweeties are more than welcome to be romantic, loving, sexual, and emotionally attached. Just... not too serious... I still need to be Solo-Poly for a while.
He seemed okay with that.
Friends:
- RuneWolf - I sent him a note apologizing profusely for canceling plans on him and I offered to make it up to him with more cuddles. Ugh... I feel terrible, but I got his reply this morning. We’re still cool. We’ll reschedule for another time. (PHEW!)
Reasons:
- Jaded - I may have spoken too soon in regards to how much flirting there's been. I need to remind myself that Jaded has a history of zero follow through with me and that maybe she just needs me to reassure her that she's beautiful and worthy of being desired.
I'm more than capable of providing that service to her.
Jaded is easy.
Since I already have her Reason, I'm free to just love her for who she is and to give into whatever it is that she really needs from me.
I don't need her.
So, I don't need her to be more. I already have her more.
I'm totally free to let her just be who she is.
I hope that someday she'll come to appreciate what a gift that was.
End Notes:
I slept in a little today. I’m still tired.
I have coffee.
Wuf...
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