I swear I'm not trying to drive you crazy.

Okay... (deep breaths)

So, there has been some massive relationship restructuring in the way that I identify the people already in my life, and also in the way that I will be identifying a few potential relationships.

Please bear with me, this is going to get wonky for a bit.

Also, I will be implementing a new 'profile page' roster of sorts. It's been brought to my attention, several times, that I just have way too many relationships going on and it's hard to keep everyone straight. So, you're going to get some new links to help you identify relationships/people etc.

The first major change is that I've abolished 'Team Sweetie'. This only consisted of Iron and Zane, the two more stable people that emerged from my original cuddle call posted on May 23rd. Both those relationships have matured in other directions and I never met anyone else that seemed to qualify as additional members of 'Team Sweetie'.

The second and most important major change is that I've added a 'Voltron' section.

Voltron is very special - at certain times in my past, I have had people in my life that were wonderful as their individual components. However, there were extraordinary times when four relationships would exist in a special configuration, and when they did, I somehow became greater than the sum of my parts. I became like Voltron! Each of my people was like one of the Paladins of the lions. I'm my own Black Lion, of course.

This incarnation of Voltron will consist of people I know in 'real-space'. No more cyber or long-distance relationships will qualify. These are also people who have made a clear overture that we are 'Partners' - not just dating. Family. Right now, that's just one person, but there may be others in the not too distant future as those relationships grow and mature.

The third major change is that I've added a Mentors section. We already know of one Mentor, and it was time to give him a massive status upgrade. I've also acquired another who is going to be a bit less directly involved in my life, but he covers a different area of expertise.

He's more of a 'Comet'...

And that's the fourth/last major change. Now that I've learned the term 'Comet', identifying someone who only enters one's life at brief intervals with a long spans of time/separation between them, yet the relationship is still very profound.

I realize I have a LOT more sections that I never really explained either. So, they will all get their own pages and I might even do a structural flow chart or a spreadsheet for easy reference... I'm not sure, yet.

Until then... omg...

Just try to stay marginally sane with me a little bit longer.

I swear I'm not trying to drive you crazy.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy -  When Valkyrie came to get me for our session, I was twirling the Hello Kitty keychain/thumb drive around my pinky finger. This meant I had new writing for her. I had brought The Hunter for her to read.

I thought she was going to piss herself with excitement.

LOL... she fucking loves reading my smut.

She is SOOOO happy and PROUD of me and Drogo for unlocking my ability to have a real/vaginal orgasm with a lover. She's amazed at how HUGE of a step forward this is for me in my development.

I agree. It's amazing!!

- Spoons -  I’m taking a ‘me day’ today.

- Writing -  I'm going to be really busy working on these pages, so no new stories for a bit. BUT, the next one is going to involve more of Sierra and Lance as a prequel to The Hunter!!

- #YarnSlut -  No idea.

Voltron:

  - Green Paladin: Nolan -  HERE WE GO!!

The first Paladin of Voltron is Nolan. My Green Lion.

Nolan and I have been Platonic Poly Cuddle Partners for a few weeks now, and it's clear that there is so much love and connection between us. It didn't seem fair to only regard Nolan as one of my 'People'. No, He's definitely one of my Paladins!

The Green Lion of Voltron is the Shield Arm, the protector, and also where the sword is drawn from. The Warrior Side (Red Lion) cannot fully function without the Green Lion being present and fully functional.

The other lions haven't found their Paladins yet. Again, there will be more information about Voltron and what would qualify those relationships as Paladins.

Mentors:

  - BDSM-D/s: Drogo -  When it comes to anything BDSM or D/s related. Drogo is the absolute authority. I trust him implicitly. My body trusts him unreservedly.

We will gradually begin to explore different areas of sensation and experience as we traverse the open waters of role play, pleasure, and pain.

Drogo is the one helping me find myself in this regard...

And trust me...

... he's fucking amazing at it.

  - Primal/Alpha: Iron -  Primal is on a different level of 'play' that doesn't really fit into the categories of BDSM or D/s, even though the play can exist there... Primal really is its own thing.

For that, I needed a different authority...

I've known all along that Iron was crucial to me somehow... but he didn't seem to fit the role of 'Partner'... Yet, he's been my healer, my sage, my confidant. He's never let me forget that I'm still important to him.

Iron himself has now identified that our relationship is more of a Comet.

He doesn't have the spare time to make me a sweetie or anything even remotely close to that, yet we do share a very strong emotional and spiritual (and sexual) bond.

Iron is the one training me on what it should feel like when I'm in the grip of a true Primal, a true Alpha, and even a true Wolf. In these very specialized categories, he is the authority. However, if our play-style ever began to deviate into BDSM or D/s territory, he would need to defer to Drogo on what is and isn't okay. He is aware of and has agreed to this.

--

DATE REPORT:

This is probably one of my most long-anticipated second dates on record.

Our first date was literally just as my heart had been shredded by Jaded and I was overwhelmingly, grievously wounded from the other losses as well. I was a mess.

The loss of Jaded, especially, weighed heavily on me, though.

I had identified her as my Alpha.

She was the first person I'd ever met who I felt would be strong enough to take me down. Alas, our relationship never made it into real-space. It was over before it started.

So, when Iron and I began chatting, I was telling him about my shredded heart and about Jaded. He zoomed right in on the word 'Alpha'. According to him, not many people use it, and even fewer use it correctly.

I was one of the fewer.

Our first date was much more of a 'healing session', though. He pulled a lot of blockages out of me and set my recovery in motion. Despite the intensity of our mutual sexual arousal, he didn't have permission to play, so we did not.

It was... very hard for him to restrain himself.

That was over a month ago.

Since then, he's tapped in with me almost every day, and I've frequently sent him pictures of me in various states of undress, and also very spread and wet.

We still had lust for each other. That much was clear.

Yesterday, he finally had time.

Only a few, short hours, but more than enough.

We pre-negotiated consent. We had a long online chat/discussion on what was okay, and what I needed the most from him.

He got to my place and we quickly assumed the cuddle position... it escalated rapidly. He also knows exactly how to pull my hair... he knows how to bite me... he knows how to growl the word 'mine' in my ear...

He knows how to make me ready for him to take me.

We both had our claws out.

He told me to remove my clothing, giving me the impression that he wanted to watch me... I misread, he actually was telling me it was okay for me to undress him as well.

When I came back to him, fully naked, he reassured me that he found my body beautiful. Even if I felt ashamed or shy, I was naked with him and he still wanted me.

Heaven.

Then he re-clarified that I could get him naked too... oh, fuck yes...

Shirt off... claws...

Belt unbuckled... jeans unbuttoned... unzipped... enough for me to find his cock and wrap my fist around it...

Then I needed the jeans gone too.

Claws...

The gentle and sensual way that I can use my claws to stimulate the sensitive, sensual areas on a person. Mmmmm and a little stroking too...

Transitions... hair pulling... biting... claiming...

His turn to explore me.

Delirious penetration of his pounding hand against me and his fingers inside me.

...

...

TOTAL FUCKING BODY BETRAYAL!!

SON OF A BITCH!

Moon Blood.

His hand was coated in it.

Clean up... soul crushed... return to cuddles...

I understood his aversion.

More cuddles... still soul crushed... I fucking needed this godz dammit! I waited over a month to feel him and what the actual mother-fucking fuck?! FUCK YOU BODY. Just... FUCK YOU!

He asks if I'm okay.

I'm proud of myself.

I told him the truth.

I didn't downplay my emotions.

I didn't hype them up either.

There was no pressure. No coercion of any kind. Just blunt honesty.

"I'm disappointed," I said.

More cuddles...

Again, I applied no pressure that I can think of... I don't believe that I did anything to force anything. I only told the truth, and I'm fucking proud of myself for that. I gave him my absolute, most vulnerable, total honesty. I was cuddly, and I had only voiced my feelings once.

I was truly disappointed.

...

... and, somehow, he found it in him to play through the pain.

He decided it was okay... and that he wanted to try with me anyway...

Pure delight!

He brought the condoms.

The angles were a mess... omg... it took us a bit to find the right position... it's okay, we're both fully capable of appreciating the full charm of how awkward it's supposed to be the first time with a new lover. You're just figuring each other out. It's the way it's supposed to be.

Rapture...

I was face down... we were working on trying to find a good Wolfie-style... My body is longer than his reach, so he was unable to hold me down in that position...

But... my goodness! Could he ever get a grip on my hair... my throat... my shoulders... tearing into me and making me scream.

Occasionally pushing down on my ass to gain leverage... Right. Where. My. Glutes. Still. Hated. Me... omfg... so, my pussy feels amazing! But my ass cheeks are screaming 'hey, what the fuck, dude?!' - it was fine... I played through the pain too. LOL

We finally discovered that I needed to be propped up much more on my hands to give him just the right angle...

... (insert incoherent sounds here)...

He pounded the fuck out of me until he exploded and I was screaming myself hoarse.

Clean up...

Cuddles...

Talking...

Healing...

Cooling down…

As requested, he scanned me. It’s as I suspected. I’m nowhere near healed and I have a very very long road of recovery ahead of me. However, I’m at my baseline for emotional/mental/spiritual pain tolerance. So, despite how broken to fuck I still am, I don’t really feel it because I’m accustomed to being in this much pain and I’m strong enough to deal with it.

I will continue to heal. We’re all very well aware of that. The loves that I have in my life will all play a role in helping me along the way, but ultimately this is all me, and I know how to rise from here.

More cuddles…

A little more hair pulling...

Identifying Iron as a Primal/Alpha Mentor, but also laying down the ground rules of how that would need to play out if it became more than that.

We did discuss my thoughts on pain play.

Turns out, according to him, my style of 'challenging pain' IS a type of Masochism.

HUMPH!

I had just learned from Drogo that there were different kinds of Sadists... now there are different kinds of Masochists too?

This will need to be explored more...

Between the two of them... I'm receiving a lot of information about what I'll need from my future Mate.

The hugs...

Not even really a bittersweet farewell. More of an 'until next time'.

I'm exceptionally grateful for the experience with him, and I do look forward to more in the future.

Sweeties:

  - Hannah-Cat -  I won't go into details... but my sweet little girl-cub is in need of a lot of attention and strength right now. All of my love is with her.

Cuddles [TCN =Temporary Code Name]

 - Undeclared -

     - AlphaCub - Some calendar restructuring has happened. I had left next Monday open, just in case Drogo wanted to claim it. Nolan is suddenly busy this Thursday, but Drogo is busy next Monday. So, Nolan's Thursday has become next Monday, leaving this Thursday open.

AlphaCub pounced the fuck out of that! LOL...

So, I get an AlphaCub tomorrow... I'm very happy to see him again.

End Notes:

I just realized that both Drogo and Iron led with a fuck-ton of hair pulling… in both cases this had me moaning and squirming in supplication. Both of them had verbally noted or some how communicated that they understood my intense need to be ‘controlled’.

(this is my pensive look)

I never thought of it as needing to be controlled… you know how strong my will is…

Yet, I do possess that intense need to bend… to submit to someone else’s will if I trust them enough to keep me safe. It’s that ability to ‘drop my guard’ and to not have to be the strong one for a little while.

So… is letting someone else’s strength overpower mine a desire to be ‘controlled’...

(more with the pensive)

I don’t think controlled is the right word.

Overpowered, maybe?

I’m confused.