It is what it is...

Sorry about skipping yesterday's entry.

Night before last I got to bed a little late and then yesterday morning I hit the snooze for half an hour. Then I got up and did coffee while watching Teen Wolf with every intention of going through my normal morning routine once I finished coffee and Season 3…

And then I had a lunch hour guest.

After that I just said 'fuck it' and started on Season 4 while I waited for the Blue Falcon.

Right… so, on with it:

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - I’m still doing really well. Better than expected even. Thanks to the Dragon I do believe that the black hole is gone and I don't see it returning any time soon. I finally got a chance to test it out yesterday… it's in the 'Recent Encounters' below. It's still too soon to really tell for sure because I’m not really sure if I fed yesterday or not… but, I still feel much better, so that's the important thing.

 - Writing - I still have yet to start on another Ghost Story installment… I think I'm going to try to do that today. I don't really feel like it. Not because of apathy, but because I'm feeling so much better that I don't really feel that I need it.

Still, I have to keep putting out the call.

I still need more sweeties.

Quality sweeties.

We never know when my next meltdown might hit. It would be in everyone's best interests if I had a bank of sweetie love to get me through it next time.

 - Sleep / Fitbit - 8 hours 4 minutes, 4x awake, 16x restless, total of 49 minutes awake/restless. That included a midnight trip to get water which I had no trouble falling back asleep after. Bless those damn sleep meds!!

 - Fur-babies - Noting new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Blood Sugar - 130 - but inaccurate - I ate a pouch of fruit snacks when I got up in the middle of the night.

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - Nothing really new here. Just the same old same old. He's quitting his second job and _she's_ getting a job, so he might not even need a second anymore.

*sigh* whatever… it is what it is. She has her usefulness.

At least he sees her for what she is now and he's not being pulled in by her fangs and claws.

He'll come home to me eventually.

 - The Unicorn - Tonight's the night!! - STAYCATION COMMENCES - The Blue Falcon is taking her on a special trip on Monday *shh, it's a secret* - I'm going along for the ride. I'll just sit there and watch them play and have fun. I'm totally good with that.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ If you're a reader and having trouble keeping the code named sweeties straight, look up above this entry and below the header. There's a link to a list of names/bio's there. - this is a work in progress, so if you're a sweetie and you don't see your name listed, don't worry, I'll get to you. ]

 - Recent Encounters - RIGHT, so very high potential that I've got myself a new sweetie here!!

I’m not going through the normal update points. I'll just tell you what happened.

He messaged me on Fet a couple of nights ago. He's a young professional (early 30's). He loved the Cougar thing… he was very respectful and I enjoyed chatting with him.

Yesterday morning he asked if it was too soon to meet me in person. Of course, it wasn't. So we made plans for his lunch hour. We both ate beforehand and we proceeded directly to the Chamber of Snuggles upon his arrival.

It didn't take us long to get naked, even though we started with clothes on. I let him set the pace.

I enjoyed touching his naked skin.

He _really_ enjoyed me touching his naked skin.

He told me my touch was reaching him deeply, in a 'better than sex' kind of way.

We did try to have sex, but he lost his erection and we just went back to the snuggles. I just kept finding new ways of touching him and he kept eating it up. He said my claws were hitting him on all levels… somewhere between tickle and pain… he loved it.

I stroked his cock a lot too, but he liked my claws 'non-sexually' on his skin more.

When the timer went off for him to leave he begged for just five more minutes, so I gave that to him.

We hugged goodbye.

He was still messaging me the second he left and we've kept the conversation going ever since.

Turns out he's had a strange aversion to intercourse for about a year or so now. He craves touch and intimacy, but not sex. This has left him abandoned by many potential partners and very very touch starved.

Yeah.

You bet your ass I’m taking care of that.

He's not alone or abandoned anymore. I'm going to take care of him from now on.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - We had a really good date yesterday.

We also proceeded directly to the Chamber of Snuggles and I told him all about the Dragon and how he helped me…

Then I told him I was hungry and protein starved, so we made plans to go to the grocery store to just pick up hamburger meat and see what we could make of it.

LUCK WAS WITH US!

On our way in there were two women grilling outside the store and they had samples of steak seasoned hamburger patties with a coupon. We got the last two samples on the plate and the Blue Falcon literally SWOONED, they were _that_ good. We were sold.

Dinner was hamburgers.

I topped mine with onion and avocado.

Then we watched Swiss Army Man. It was a good movie!!

--

So… before dinner, when we were talking, the Blue Falcon noted that there's been a 'shift' in our relationship. He says we're no longer quite like 'sweeties' or 'friends with benefits'… took me a little bit to figure out what he meant because he said we were more like 'just friends'… which I totally disagree with. But, then I understood that he meant that our relationship isn't as lustful as it used to be. We're more intimate now, just not quite as sexually lustful.

I guess I’m okay with that.

He also noted my shudder when talking about this girl he almost considered dating and told me he needs to test me around another girl to find out if it's just that one girl that gets that reaction of if I'm developing any jealousy and possessiveness issues.

I told him I'm absolutely developing jealousy and possessiveness issues and that I'll own that shit one-hundred percent.

But, it's not going to stop me from wanting a proper mate and mother of his children for him.

I own my emotions. They don't hold me back.

I'll always love the Blue Falcon. That's never going to change.

But, handling shifts away from lust tells me that I can handle the shift to just friends too… we'll always be close, but maybe not always naked close.

It is what it is.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - Nothing new to report.

 - The Hopefuls - Friday has been checking in on me more… it's good to know that he's still there. He's also actively beginning to take responsibility for this funk that he's been in. He knows he needs to pull himself out, but I don't think he's quite figured out how to do it yet.

He'll get there. I have faith in him.

I'm sure he'll be fucking me soon enough and that's going to start a whole new chapter in my life…

He's going to be amazing with me.

 - Honorable Mentions - Nothing new to report.

End Notes:

Not really anything to say in closing.

Wait… I guess that's not really true.

I miss the lust with the Blue Falcon.

I'm just realizing this now.

It might just be that I miss LUST in general, though.

Fuck… I need to be more sexually open with my new sweeties.

The dog ate my homework...

Sorry about missing yesterday's update.

Night before last I ran out of one of my sleep meds. Not the one that helps me fall asleep, but the one that helps me stay asleep. As a result I was tossing and turning at about 3 am and unable to get back to sleep. So, I finally gave up and at the last of my popcorn while watching two more episodes of MTV's Teen Wolf before I felt drowsy again.

I turned off my 8am alarm and slept in until about 11.

Last night I forgot to reengage my alarm and I ended up sleeping in an hour today too.

I doubt I'll get to any writing today.

I’m okay with that. Tuesdays and Wednesdays are usually my days off anyway.

--

About Teen Wolf; I'm actually starting to like it. I've noticed a distinct emotional attachment to the comic relief/sidekick. His character arc is starting to develop him into someone very capable and competent and I'm enjoying it.

Few years older and I'd Cougar the hell out of that.

--

Anyway… I better get on with it… I'm running behind today.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - Valkyrie was just as surprised as I was to learn about the return of the Dragon.

It's several days later now and I still don't feel the return of the levels of despair I was under before those kisses and cuddles.

I’m still disappointed that our Monday date didn't work out and that I've heard nothing from him since, but this is standard behavior out of the Dragon.

It's quite possible that my call only brought him to me in order to erase the black hole and now that he's done that he'll disappear back into the ether again.

Valkyrie wasn't the least bit surprised that there was such a dramatic change in my being between this week and last. We've seen this so consistently with me before. We've seen how fast I can turn things around. I just need soundboards and time to think and the answers will come.

She was still heart warmed and amazed that once I figured out the answer it only took me two days to call the Dragon to me. And, honestly, he would have come sooner than that but that was just the first opening in his schedule.

I've still got it.

All my power is still there.

It's just a matter of me finding the more creative ways of reminding myself of how to tap into it.

**I still have yet to test my theories by feeding on someone**

The Blue Falcon is coming over tomorrow, so we'll see.

 - Writing - It's probably not going to happen today… I'm okay with that.

 - Sleep / Fitbit - LOL, 9 hours 8 minutes, 6x awake, 15x restless, total of 47 minutes awake/restless

 - Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Caffeine - I think I'm going to take caffeine out of the update. I haven't had any trouble keeping it to the standard 3 cups for a very long time.

 - Blood Sugar - 122

 - INR - Test today

 - Nervous System - Adjustment next week.

 - Exercise/Yoga - I made sure I hit my step goal yesterday.

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - I only got to talk to him for a brief couple of minutes yesterday… he has the day off today too, but he might be working his second job, so I might still hear from him.

Thanks to the Dragon, I do feel a lot better about Bran being gone. I'm reminded of how much I enjoy my freedoms.

I still want Bran back, but I can 're-work' on enjoying his time away from me again.

 - The Unicorn - Staycation soon.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ If you're a reader and having trouble keeping the code named sweeties straight, look up above this entry and below the header. There's a link to a list of names/bio's there. - this is a work in progress, so if you're a sweetie and you don't see your name listed, don't worry, I'll get to you. ]

 - Recent Encounters - Nothing new to report.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - I was supposed to get cuddles tonight but the Blue Falcon had to reschedule to tomorrow. It's all good. I had to shift a potential and tell him to wait until after Arlynne's Staycation, which may take him off the map for me, but I don't really care.

Blue Falcon is way more important than any potential.

I’m NEVER making the mistake of putting a potential before the Blue Falcon EVER again!

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - Nothing new…

 - The Hopefuls - … to report.

 - Honorable Mentions - Hardly an honorable mention, but there's this one submissive dick wad that keeps messaging me, even though I've told him that it's not going to work out because we're both submissive.

Last night he asked me if I'm into Mommy/son.

For fucks sake! I mini-went-off on him and he's all 'don’t be rude', and I told him that 'hey, it's right on my profile'. And then he was all 'bye bye'. And I'm like 'oh, so I'm the one being rude?' So I told him to fuck off and never message me again.

He comes back with some retort about how I have serous mental health issues and that I need to work on them before I try to get young men to fuck me, and that I have a husband and I’m pathetic.

Clearly this guy doesn't understand the first thing about me.

I didn't even justify it with a response. I just blocked him from texting me. UGH… what a dick wad.

End Notes:

Okay, I gotta get moving…

Watch out for a Ghost Story installment tomorrow!!

Show me how to be whole again...

I can't stop thinking about the Dragon.

I thought about him all of yesterday too.

This is the effect he has on me. This is the effect he's always had on me.

One date was enough to keep him fresh in my mind for months and now that I've seen him again he's all I want, again.

I really hope he doesn't cancel on me tonight.

I think he needs me as much as I need him… based on his reaction to the way I touched him.

He was sitting next to me on my bed and I started gently running my fingernails across the back of his neck. He seemed to really like it, arching his neck up into it.

Ye Gods, I hope he doesn't cancel on me tonight.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - / - Writing - I was able to get the sex scene written for the Ghost Story. Now I just have to figure out how to close out the narrative. I think part 4 will be the end of it… leaving me to need something new to write tomorrow.

I'll probably rely on a writing prompt to get me somewhere.

I'm still not feeling Torvus…

Ugh… I want to be back on the main story already.

 - Sleep / Fitbit - 8 hours 1 minute, 3x awake, 17x restless, total of 34 minutes awake/restless - I still had water in my bottle when I woke up this morning. Not a lot, but not running out in the middle of the night means that I was zonked out a little better than usual. Funny how the readings are still just the same.

Also, no snooze buttons this morning. I got up when the alarm said 'get up'.

 - Fur-babies - One visit from Dreamy and Splotches yesterday. I forced Dreamy to cuddle. He protested at first and then he settled in and purred for me.

He's a good cat.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Caffeine - As tired as I was when that alarm went off, I didn't go back to sleep. And I'm not even done with the first cup of coffee and I'm already mostly awake. So, I should be fine with three cups today.

I skipped everything else on the physical health report.

I know… I’m letting my physical health slip.

I just need some more time to get this depression under control and then I'll get back on top of the exercise and stuff.

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - I'm trying to think of what we talked about last night, but nothing is coming to me. Usually he just tells me about his day at work, which is important. The 'Hi, hunny. How was your day?' - those conversations are important. He needs to know that his day mattered to someone. He needs to not come home to some terrible 'me-monster' that just wants to pout and whine about how bad their day was. He needs to feel valued for going out, working a job, and bringing home the accomplishments of a paycheck each week.

I like giving him that recognition.

He deserves it.

 - The Unicorn - In just a few short days it's going to be staycation time.  :)

I'm probably going to sleep like crap. God damn, her elbow's are sharp!

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ If you're a reader and having trouble keeping the code named sweeties straight, look up above this entry and below the header. There's a link to a list of names/bio's there. - this is a work in progress, so if you're a sweetie and you don't see your name listed, don't worry, I'll get to you. ]

 - Recent Encounters - Nothing new to report.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - Nothing new to report.

 - The Hopefuls - Friday checked in on me last night. Not a super lengthy conversation, but just him hoping I was okay. I didn't have much in the way of good news for him and the conversation dropped almost as soon as it started.

There are a couple of other blips on the radar. I'll let you know how those go.

I'm somewhat hopeful.

I know the Ghost Story is putting out the call that I can't right now… So, I'm very curious to see what it brings to me other than the Dragon.

Very curious, indeed.

 - Honorable Mentions - Nothing new to report.

End Notes:

I should probably check on the Dragon soon… make sure we're still on for tonight.

Wash the poison from off my skin...

There's a fair bit of ground to cover in this entry, so I’m going to do the bulk of it in the opening comments rather than scattering it through the update.

Years ago, when Iwas still trying to recover from Set, I hit a place of hopelessness similar towhere I am now. I remember talking to Valkyrie and comparing myself to a pile of oil soaked wood without the spark. I felt that nothing could ignite my flame again.

"Nuh uh," she said. "Spontaneous combustion."

I wanted to smack the crap out of her.

Turns out she was right, though.

Somehow we figured it out. The answer was in the Ghost Stories. Somehow they gave me from within the one thing I couldn't pull from outside of myself.

So, it's no wonder I've turned to the Ghost Stories again.

And then there was the other thing.

The Ghost Stories gave me the rope I needed to pull myself out of the abyss, but something got left behind. The part of me that was connected to the Goddess within me. She got left behind.

I did the only thing I could do.

As much as it hurt, I sucked it up and I prepared to walk in this world without that part of myself…

And then he happened.

February 2nd, 2015… we went on our first date.

Neither of us could host, so the date closed with 20 minutes of almost making out in the front seat of his car.

I say almost because all he wanted to do was tease me… he just wanted to give me a taste of what was to come.

He was the first person I'd ever met that I didn't have to teach how to pull my hair just right.

Somehow that 20 minutes of him almost kissing me gave me what I needed. I still don't understand it and I probably never will, but he single handedly reached into the abyss, pulled out the goddess, and gave her back to me.

For that I was eternally grateful to him. Willing to wait months… even years to see him again.

He was busy with school and two jobs… a second date never happened.

So, fast forward to my current circumstance.

Here I am, deadlocked in hopelessness.

My ability to feed off of strong masculine energies is tainted by the fact that I feel like there is a black hole inside me. All it does is suck up all the energy and leave me feeling even emptier than I was before. I can't even feed properly because nothing sticks. Nothing stays. I just stay empty.

Valkyrie, the Blue Falcon, and I are all chewing on this conundrum.

How are we going to put plug in this drain?

Also, how can I find the energy to keep putting out the call to draw sweeties too me when there's no energy left in me to make such a thing happen?

Part two found it's answer in the Ghost Stories.

Ghost helped me put out the call when I had nothing left inside me to reach out from the darkness.

And what did Ghost call to me?

The one fucking person in all the world singularly gifted enough to put a plug in that fucking drain.

My second date with the Dragon happened yesterday. It was only about 20 minutes before he had to go to work, but it was enough. More than enough.

I was in his arms… I was being held by him.

Then I was being kissed by him.

We sat and talked for a little bit.

He reminded me of how much I enjoyed my solitude and my ability to host without being held back.

Drain. Plugged.

Put this in context for a moment.

I didn't even make it as far as writing the third installment (the sex scene) of the Ghost Story before I was in the Dragons arms.

I'm so fucking proud of myself right now.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - There's still work to be done. I've yet to test my theory on whether or not this black hole within me has actually stopped spinning.

The Dragon and I also have plans to spend some actual quality time together tomorrow. I'll let you know how it goes.

 - Writing - I still intend to move forward with the current Ghost Story. It's crap, but whatever.

I'm very upset that I didn't get a chance to write yesterday. I should have been writing shortly after the Dragon left but that was during my normal phone call time with Bran and then I had another person who wanted to come out and have his first date with me.

Turns out the asshole chickened out on coming to me on my territory and I totally wasted my writing time waiting for him.

I'll write today, though.

Not sure where I am with Torvus, though.

I think I might need a few more sessions with the Dragon before that comes back to me.

I can feel it, though.

I'm starting to get bored with just camping out on my couch and watching crappy horror movies. My mind and hands want to be doing something.

Something is about to reboot.

It might be the knitting, it might be the gaming, it might be the writing… I'm not sure yet. But something's coming.

 - Sleep / Fitbit - I've been finding it really difficult to get up in the mornings. I've been hitting my snooze for about half an hour before I'm finally ready to yank myself out of bed.

Not sure what the fuck is up with that.

Nevertheless: 8 hours 40 minutes, 4x awake, 14x restless, total of 32 minutes awake/restless.

 - Fur-babies - I received a visit from Dreamy and Splotches yesterday. I was laying on the couch and neither cat seemed to want to join me. So I forced Dreamy to snuggle a little bit, but he didn't stay long. He did find the catnip on my floor though, so he had some fun tearing into that. Then they both sacked out in almost the same exact sleeping position. It was cute.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Caffeine - I seem to be going through that phase where on cup one I feel like I'm going to need four cups and then by the time I'm halfway through cup three, I’m okay… not sure what's up with that.

I skipped everything else.

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - Thanks to the Dragon, I'm feeling in a better place with Bran.

The Dragon reminded me of how much I loved my solitude in the beginning. How much I loved not having to pick up after anyone but myself. How much I loved being able to have playmates anytime I wanted with no restrictions.

The Dragon reminded me of all the ways in which I thrived without Bran.

It's not that I'd stop missing Bran, or that I'd stop wanting him to come home. It's just that I'd go back to being able to enjoy my 'me' time instead of hating it.

I could let Bran handle things on his end without leaving him to worry about my failing mental health.

That's not a bad thing!!

 - The Unicorn - I finally messaged JerkDad about letting the Unicorn go on the road trip with the Blue Falcon and me in August. No response yet, but he's bad about returning texts because he's kind of an ass like that.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ If you're a reader and having trouble keeping the code named sweeties straight, look up above this entry and below the header. There's a link to a list of names/bio's there. - this is a work in progress, so if you're a sweetie and you don't see your name listed, don't worry, I'll get to you. ]

 - Recent Encounters - I can still feel the Dragon's strong arms around me.

Ye Gods, he held me so tight and I needed it so fucking much.

Will I tell him about the effect he has on me? Maybe.

Will I ever tell him that I know he's married? Probably not.

Someday he might trust me enough to tell me about his wife… but I doubt it.

I know my Dragon.

He needs this thing between us to be mostly sexual and somewhat emotionally disconnected. He needs the passive emotional transference. I've vowed to give that too him.

I'll never break that vow.

Never.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - Nothing new…

 - The Hopefuls - …to report.

 - Honorable Mentions - So, no code name on the yahoo that stood me up yesterday. All I know is that he was super nervous about the fact that I wasn't able to meet in a public place. Like he's scared that I'm some sort of ax murderer or something.

What-fucking-ever, dude.

All I know is that I wasted my prime writing time waiting for the fucker and I'm probably not going to give him a second chance. He ruined it for me.

End Notes:

Wish me the best of luck tomorrow.

Please hold me in high regard and hopes that the Dragon does come through to see me again.

He has a very long history of making plans and then letting something else come up.

I really need him to not do that tomorrow.

Fly me up on a silver wing...

Bran worked late last night and I waited up so I could talk to him. So, I got to bed an hour late.

I hit the snooze button until 8:30 this morning, which is something I never do.

I'm still tired.

I need to not make a habit out of this kind of behavior.

--

I may have a guest dropping by for a very short bit… hopefully I can get the energy to pick up the apartment a little bit.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - / - Writing - Despite my feelings that the writing just wasn't going to be there for me yesterday, I wrote a little over 1K.

Make no mistake, it's pure crap. I sped through my page turner hook and it's so quick and dirty that it just takes this vicious turn that makes literally no sense.

This is a narrative that is being posted as pure stream of thought consciousness writing. It's pure and unpolished. It's rough draft at its finest.

Whatever.

It seems to be doing it's job, though.

The Ghost Story is putting energy out into the universe that I don't have the strength to put out right now. Since it's pulling from a different place inside me, a place that has endless reserves, my sexual fantasies… it's fueled by something other than my need to pull sweeties and snuggle buddies close to me.

Potential sweeties are responding.

Now I just need to hold it together and stop whining long enough to let someone get close.

 - Sleep / Fitbit - Readings are muddled by my snoozing while I was watching a movie on the couch last night.

 - Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Caffeine - I may actually go for four today.

[I'm skipping everything else today]

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - His hours at his primary job are being fucked with because he's back from leave at his secondary job. Everything is so messed up. I just feel like this whole fucking thing was a mistake. He should never have left.

Well…

He's out of debt now… that seems to be something that wouldn't have happened if he'd stayed. So, whatever… I guess something good did come of it.

I'm a stronger person for it, and our relationship is stronger for it.

But it fucking sucks!

I miss him and I want him to come back!

I just need to hold on and hope the Ghost Stories draw some sweeties to me so I can start feeding regularly. Then I'll be okay with all of this again.

If I can feed more, I can start to thrive again.

 - The Unicorn -

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ If you're a reader and having trouble keeping the code named sweeties straight, look up above this entry and below the header. There's a link to a list of names/bio's there. - this is a work in progress, so if you're a sweetie and you don't see your name listed, don't worry, I'll get to you. ]

 - Recent Encounters - Nothing new to report.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - Last night I heard from someone I didn't expect to hear from again.

The Dragon contacted me.

He's down to only one class with school and he's done the graduation walk. He has more time even though he's working a lot. He'd fired up his OKC profile again and noticed I was on.

He gravitated right to me.

We're trying to make plans again.

I want you to understand something.

The Dragon was the one who helped me the last time I felt this hopeless.

Hell, my ability to even take sweeties stemmed from the Dragon!!

We didn't even have sex.

It was just 20 minutes of him teasing me in the front seat of his car and he woke me up to things that I'd thought were going to stay dead inside me forever.

And he contacts me on day two of my starting a fresh Ghost Story in an attempt to reboot?

Yeah… exactly.

 - The Hopefuls - Nothing new

 - Honorable Mentions - to report.

End Notes:

I'm waking up now…

I'm actually looking forward to the Ghost Story today.

These are good things.

Ashes and Dust:

The depression is still eating me alive from the inside.

Last night Bran got bad news and I'm crushed. My one glimmer of hope just got drowned in ashes and dust.

I don't know how much longer I can do this.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - / - Writing - I’m putting these on the same line again.

I’m not pushing myself too hard. I figure each Ghost Story entry should be in parts about flash length long. Somewhere between 900 and 1,000 words.

The new story is titled Lillian.

Right now only part one is up… no sex yet, but it will come.

I know this has to work.

Ghost was the one who rescued me before when I had no hope left inside me. He can do it again.

 - Sleep / Fitbit - 8 hours 1 minute, 1x awake, 15x restless, total of 37 minutes awake/restless. I did get up in the middle of the night for a water refill, which is rare. I usually sleep through the thirsties. I didn't have much trouble getting back to sleep, though. Only hit the snooze once today. Most days I don't hit the snooze at all, but some mornings I do.

 - Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Caffeine - I'll be okay with just 3 cups of coffee today.

 - Blood Sugar - Skipped this morning because it wouldn't have been fasting. The midnight run for water also included a few handfuls of popcorn.

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - So, there was this new job offer on the table. Better pay and a good chance of moving back to the cities sooner than his current main job was offering him.

We were actually getting excited, especially since Bran was working it out that his training would occur in the cities and he'd stay with me.

I'd be able to touch him.

*sigh*

Turns out the guy who hired him just got fired for making questionable hiring decisions. Nicks job offer is now no longer on the table and he can't even re-interview. The position has been filled.

I don't know what it's going to take to bring him home to me.

I only know that I'm dying inside without him.

 - The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ If you're a reader and having trouble keeping the code named sweeties straight, look up above this entry and below the header. There's a link to a list of names/bio's there. - this is a work in progress, so if you're a sweetie and you don't see your name listed, don't worry, I'll get to you. ]

 - Recent Encounters - Nothing new to report.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - We pinged a bit this morning. I threw it out there that I’m available for snuggles and a movie but he pinged back that this week is pretty full for him. It's okay. We had our time together on Tuesday, so I'm not being greedy.

I do miss him, though.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - Nothing

 - The Hopefuls - new

 - Honorable Mentions - to report.

End Notes:

I don't think I'm writing today.

I'm just not feeling it.

All I want is my couch and my horror movies… maybe that last pint of ice cream that I have in my freezer…

Gods…

I'm just so fucking done.