Barely feeling anything...

I got an email from that snot nosed little kid that the Blue Falcon and I were trying to help with relocation. He apologized if his 'bad mood' hurt me and then still called me pushy, but then said he hoped I was okay.

Yeah… I tore into him.

I pretty much told him to grow the fuck up and said that the Blue Falcon and I are done trying to help him.

*grr* I'm actually hoping that this ENDS all email conversation with him. I'm so sick of carrying him.

Anyway…

Yesterday I celebrated a day early.

I had one drinks worth of bourbon left in my freezer, so I celebrated uploading Act I to Scribophile, even though I’m uploading the last two chapters today. I didn't want to drink on a Unicorn Friday.

*sigh*

Still numb, by the way.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - I gamed for a pretty solid chunk last night. Most of it just the guild grind, but some of it was raising my cooking skill levels on two of my characters. I need to raise chef and alchemy on all of them, but that's going to be some generous time sucks that I’m not willing to put in quite yet.

I still don't even know what direction to take on making my characters stronger once I get my level one wings on my third one…

It just seems like I only have enough time in the day for the guild grind and not much else, unless I want to keep getting to bed late (which, I did again last night!) and I don't really want to do that.

Who knows… the guild seems pretty much dead anyway.

 - Writing - I don't want to say that I'm dreading Act II.a… I mean, the framework is already there and I'm sure I'll have no trouble brining more meat and blood to the story… it's just that Act I took SO MUCH WORK… I'm wondering if I've squashed enough bugs to make writing the rest of it smoother?

Also… there's this great new computer program that helps with outlining a novel and I WANT it! It's only $40 and I’m asking for it for my birthday… maybe that can help me keep everything in one place? Hopefully I'll have it before I start work on Act III, that's when I'm really going to need the help. I still have no idea what the fuck I'm doing for Act III…

 - Sleep / Fitbit - 7 hours 33 minutes, 3x awake, 12x restless, total of 27 minutes awake/restless. My Fitbit sleep insights tells me that not getting enough sleep can increase my hunger hormones, and if I'm trying to lose weight I should log more down time… Ugh, okay. Good to know.

No more staying up late for gaming reasons.

 - Fur-babies - Both Dreamy and Splotches dropped by yesterday. Both requested pets, but neither requested cuddles. Still, it was good to see them.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Caffeine - Should be fine with 3 today

 - Blood Sugar - 135

 - Exercise/Yoga - GAH!! I need to force myself to do this! I'm uploading the last two chapters today. I have zero excuses for my procrastination!

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - I was really hard on him yesterday morning. I made it clear that I didn't have to forgive him for the whole _her_ thing. We still seem to be okay though. I also made it clear that I do forgive him, even though shit still hurts. And it does still hurt. There is extensive damage in dire need of repair and I can't even begin to start healing those wounds until he comes home.

Come to think of it, that right there might be the answer to the burning question of what broke me over these last few months. The reason why I was thriving before and I’m not now. I think I was okay with not getting the repair, but there was a time limit on the repairs not getting done. Now that we're over that time limit… fuck me… I'm going to start to deteriorate again.

My only way out is solid sweeties like the Blue Falcon, but I’m having a really hard time finding them.

Dammit, I need healing.

Where are all the healers when you need them.

 - The Unicorn - I think I'm going to try setting up the Chromebook and popping some popcorn tonight. The Unicorn and I need to get back on track with our Buffy/Angel watching.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ If you're a reader and having trouble keeping the code named sweeties straight, look up above this entry and below the header. There's a link to a list of names/bio's there. - this is a work in progress, so if you're a sweetie and you don't see your name listed, don't worry, I'll get to you. ]

 - Recent Encounters - Nothing new to report.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - He added me on another chat platform last night. He's hoping to get me talking with this girl in the UK who was recently diagnosed with BPD. I know he wants to help her… and there's a small chance that they might end up dating. I'm not sure we can help her, and I'm pretty fucking sure that him dating her is a bad idea… with her emotional intensity and his inability to love her back… that's just a mess of stress waiting to happen.

Other than that, I miss him.

I really wish I had more relationships like him.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - Criminy still seems on the fence, and pretty busy with work/life too… not sure when/how we're going to get answers.

 - The Hopefuls -

Hopeful 1: I meet him in person in a week… If this works out I hope we'll soon have a plan for me to see him more often.

 -- Friday -- We spent a good portion of yesterday texting back and forth. We're both in agreement that his current state of mind and mental health is not ideal for us to try launching a relationship of our own. We want to wait until he has his head together.

That's very comforting. He's being careful not to hurt me despite how badly he wants to fuck the snot out of me.

We'll get there when we get there…

 - Honorable Mentions - Hopeful's 2&3 are still in the wind… not sure what the hell is up with that.

End Notes:

I'm feeling a bit better now that I've locked on to what might be the cause of my current 'bleh' state.

Now I just don't know what to do about it.

I either need Bran or I need solid Sweeties to get the heart repair that I need to move forward and it doesn't appear that I’m going to be getting either one soon.

*sigh*

I guess it's time to start losing myself in Daniel again.

If I can write my perfect lover… then maybe I can try to heal myself a bit.