Where the hell did my THRIVE go?

My only reason for getting out of bed in the morning has been the work. I'm obsessed with getting the new chapters posted. Even coffee is secondary to that elation and coffee used to be the very first thing that I thought about. Everything has been coming in second or less to the work.

As for the rest.

It's all just so numb.

I'm neither hopeful or hopeless about anything. I'm just stuck in this 'Meh' middle ground where nothing excites or depresses me. Although, maybe that is a form of depression, I don't know.

I have been knitting again.

I’m working on the legwarmers that have been promised to Misha Collins.

I’m not sure if that will get me a hug in return, but a girl can dream, right?

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - Valkyrie made some very good points in our last session. She's right, I WAS thriving for awhile there. What happened? Why am I so broken again? Was it just that Bran didn't come home on time? *sigh* I don't know, and it's frustrating. I want to thrive again, and I don't know how to do that.

If I do it, though… it has to be on my own. No Sweeties. As great as they are and as much as I will keep the recruitment drive going. I can't bank my emotional stability on them. They're too fallible.

No, I need to do this on my own.

I think the writing will help.

Getting Jessa lost in Daniel should have some effect.

 - Writing - I got as far as uploading chapter 12 yesterday… Still a bit to go. There are 18 chapters total that complete Act I. I'm not sure if I'll finish all of them today, but I'm pretty confident that I'll get to them by tomorrow. Then it's my weekend with the Unicorn, so I'm not sure how much composition I'll achieve in Act II.a, but hopefully I'll get somewhere with it.

The story is my salvation right now.

 - Sleep / Fitbit - 7 hours 47 minutes, 1x awake, 17x restless, total of 35 minutes awake/restless. I should note that I got to bed about a half hour late because gaming impeded my consumption of bedtime meal… so I needed a little extra time to let food settle. Probably not the best plan, but I went with it.

 - Fur-babies - Both Dreamy and Splotches dropped by yesterday. Dreamy got some good cuddles in. Gosh, I love him so much. He's so loving. It was good to hold him for a little while.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Caffeine - Should be fine with 3 today

 - Blood Sugar - 130

 - INR - 3.7, which is still high enough for them to need to draw blood. The vein didn't cooperate on the first try so I have two fresh needle punctures in the back of my left hand. Hurt like hell yesterday but seems better today. Not sure how bad it's going to bruise yet.

 - Exercise/Yoga - I really need to be better about this… It literally just gets brushed off… Ugh… The Blue Falcon is going to waggle the almighty Jew finger at me again!

 - Weight Management - I sometimes wonder if I'm losing any weight. I eat a lot less, but it's crap food that's going to aggravate my inflammation. So, it could honestly go either way.

*sigh*

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - We got to talk for quite a fair bit yesterday. He's still trying to pick up some used furniture to make himself a bit more comfortable. Including a Futon so he doesn't have to sleep next to her.

Yesterday I was feeling pretty down, so I asked him to do me the favor of telling me how much she annoys him. He laughed and said he could do that because she'd annoyed him quite a bit just that morning.

It's just so comforting to know that he has no love for her anymore. That he's barely tolerating her. It makes me happy when I say things like "We're both going to be so happy when she's in the rear view mirror" and he says "Oh my god!" in agreement.

I like it that he's so done.

I still can't wait for this to be over, though.

The stress she's putting on him can't be good.

But, maybe it will strengthen his love for me? Maybe it will make him realize what he came so close to losing because of her. The life he has now is exactly the life he wanted to give me up for.

Well, he has it now… He has everything he wanted. Everything he fought me so hard for.

And now he'd dump it all just to have me back.

He even craves sleeping in my bed just to be next to me.

*sigh*

Someday… hopefully soon… he can put her behind him and we can start over.

Hopefully soon.

 - The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ If you're a reader and having trouble keeping the code named sweeties straight, look up above this entry and below the header. There's a link to a list of names/bio's there. - this is a work in progress, so if you're a sweetie and you don't see your name listed, don't worry, I'll get to you. ]

 - Recent Encounters - Nothing new to report.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - I've been purposely leaving him be. I know how busy he is.

I want him all the time, and I know that's just the addiction talking. So I guess I'm just trying to prove that I can get by without him.

I should probably talk to him about that, though. See what his input is.

I've come to realize that his relationship with me is girlfriend practice, so perhaps it's not so bad that I let him get in as much practice as he feels he needs.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - Criminy still doesn't fully know what he wants, but we're working on it.

I also pinged Gingersnap this morning. Just to see if he's still out there somewhere.

 - The Hopefuls -

Hopeful 1 We still chit-chat every day, but it's not at the volume that it used to be. He's been focused on work, which is as it should be. It's our date night in just a week and a day.

Now THAT I am excited about.

I get the sense that he will be sweet with me, like the Blue Falcon is. But, he'll actually love me back if it come to that.

Hopeful's 2&3 Nothing new to report.

 -- Friday -- I worry about him.

I worry that I'm not playing the right angle in staying a part in his life through the pain that he's experiencing. I don't know if he needs to be cheered up or emotionally validated… I'm trying to find out.

 - Honorable Mentions - Nothing new to report.

End Notes:

So, I guess that's it… Not my best check in… but not my worst either. I'm just riding that middle ground of survival mode.

Where the hell is did my thrive go?