Wash the poison from off my skin...

There's a fair bit of ground to cover in this entry, so I’m going to do the bulk of it in the opening comments rather than scattering it through the update.

Years ago, when Iwas still trying to recover from Set, I hit a place of hopelessness similar towhere I am now. I remember talking to Valkyrie and comparing myself to a pile of oil soaked wood without the spark. I felt that nothing could ignite my flame again.

"Nuh uh," she said. "Spontaneous combustion."

I wanted to smack the crap out of her.

Turns out she was right, though.

Somehow we figured it out. The answer was in the Ghost Stories. Somehow they gave me from within the one thing I couldn't pull from outside of myself.

So, it's no wonder I've turned to the Ghost Stories again.

And then there was the other thing.

The Ghost Stories gave me the rope I needed to pull myself out of the abyss, but something got left behind. The part of me that was connected to the Goddess within me. She got left behind.

I did the only thing I could do.

As much as it hurt, I sucked it up and I prepared to walk in this world without that part of myself…

And then he happened.

February 2nd, 2015… we went on our first date.

Neither of us could host, so the date closed with 20 minutes of almost making out in the front seat of his car.

I say almost because all he wanted to do was tease me… he just wanted to give me a taste of what was to come.

He was the first person I'd ever met that I didn't have to teach how to pull my hair just right.

Somehow that 20 minutes of him almost kissing me gave me what I needed. I still don't understand it and I probably never will, but he single handedly reached into the abyss, pulled out the goddess, and gave her back to me.

For that I was eternally grateful to him. Willing to wait months… even years to see him again.

He was busy with school and two jobs… a second date never happened.

So, fast forward to my current circumstance.

Here I am, deadlocked in hopelessness.

My ability to feed off of strong masculine energies is tainted by the fact that I feel like there is a black hole inside me. All it does is suck up all the energy and leave me feeling even emptier than I was before. I can't even feed properly because nothing sticks. Nothing stays. I just stay empty.

Valkyrie, the Blue Falcon, and I are all chewing on this conundrum.

How are we going to put plug in this drain?

Also, how can I find the energy to keep putting out the call to draw sweeties too me when there's no energy left in me to make such a thing happen?

Part two found it's answer in the Ghost Stories.

Ghost helped me put out the call when I had nothing left inside me to reach out from the darkness.

And what did Ghost call to me?

The one fucking person in all the world singularly gifted enough to put a plug in that fucking drain.

My second date with the Dragon happened yesterday. It was only about 20 minutes before he had to go to work, but it was enough. More than enough.

I was in his arms… I was being held by him.

Then I was being kissed by him.

We sat and talked for a little bit.

He reminded me of how much I enjoyed my solitude and my ability to host without being held back.

Drain. Plugged.

Put this in context for a moment.

I didn't even make it as far as writing the third installment (the sex scene) of the Ghost Story before I was in the Dragons arms.

I'm so fucking proud of myself right now.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - There's still work to be done. I've yet to test my theory on whether or not this black hole within me has actually stopped spinning.

The Dragon and I also have plans to spend some actual quality time together tomorrow. I'll let you know how it goes.

 - Writing - I still intend to move forward with the current Ghost Story. It's crap, but whatever.

I'm very upset that I didn't get a chance to write yesterday. I should have been writing shortly after the Dragon left but that was during my normal phone call time with Bran and then I had another person who wanted to come out and have his first date with me.

Turns out the asshole chickened out on coming to me on my territory and I totally wasted my writing time waiting for him.

I'll write today, though.

Not sure where I am with Torvus, though.

I think I might need a few more sessions with the Dragon before that comes back to me.

I can feel it, though.

I'm starting to get bored with just camping out on my couch and watching crappy horror movies. My mind and hands want to be doing something.

Something is about to reboot.

It might be the knitting, it might be the gaming, it might be the writing… I'm not sure yet. But something's coming.

 - Sleep / Fitbit - I've been finding it really difficult to get up in the mornings. I've been hitting my snooze for about half an hour before I'm finally ready to yank myself out of bed.

Not sure what the fuck is up with that.

Nevertheless: 8 hours 40 minutes, 4x awake, 14x restless, total of 32 minutes awake/restless.

 - Fur-babies - I received a visit from Dreamy and Splotches yesterday. I was laying on the couch and neither cat seemed to want to join me. So I forced Dreamy to snuggle a little bit, but he didn't stay long. He did find the catnip on my floor though, so he had some fun tearing into that. Then they both sacked out in almost the same exact sleeping position. It was cute.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Caffeine - I seem to be going through that phase where on cup one I feel like I'm going to need four cups and then by the time I'm halfway through cup three, I’m okay… not sure what's up with that.

I skipped everything else.

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - Thanks to the Dragon, I'm feeling in a better place with Bran.

The Dragon reminded me of how much I loved my solitude in the beginning. How much I loved not having to pick up after anyone but myself. How much I loved being able to have playmates anytime I wanted with no restrictions.

The Dragon reminded me of all the ways in which I thrived without Bran.

It's not that I'd stop missing Bran, or that I'd stop wanting him to come home. It's just that I'd go back to being able to enjoy my 'me' time instead of hating it.

I could let Bran handle things on his end without leaving him to worry about my failing mental health.

That's not a bad thing!!

 - The Unicorn - I finally messaged JerkDad about letting the Unicorn go on the road trip with the Blue Falcon and me in August. No response yet, but he's bad about returning texts because he's kind of an ass like that.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ If you're a reader and having trouble keeping the code named sweeties straight, look up above this entry and below the header. There's a link to a list of names/bio's there. - this is a work in progress, so if you're a sweetie and you don't see your name listed, don't worry, I'll get to you. ]

 - Recent Encounters - I can still feel the Dragon's strong arms around me.

Ye Gods, he held me so tight and I needed it so fucking much.

Will I tell him about the effect he has on me? Maybe.

Will I ever tell him that I know he's married? Probably not.

Someday he might trust me enough to tell me about his wife… but I doubt it.

I know my Dragon.

He needs this thing between us to be mostly sexual and somewhat emotionally disconnected. He needs the passive emotional transference. I've vowed to give that too him.

I'll never break that vow.

Never.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - Nothing new…

 - The Hopefuls - …to report.

 - Honorable Mentions - So, no code name on the yahoo that stood me up yesterday. All I know is that he was super nervous about the fact that I wasn't able to meet in a public place. Like he's scared that I'm some sort of ax murderer or something.

What-fucking-ever, dude.

All I know is that I wasted my prime writing time waiting for the fucker and I'm probably not going to give him a second chance. He ruined it for me.

End Notes:

Wish me the best of luck tomorrow.

Please hold me in high regard and hopes that the Dragon does come through to see me again.

He has a very long history of making plans and then letting something else come up.

I really need him to not do that tomorrow.