Maybe Ghost can help?

Happy Solstice.

First day of summer and my birthday is right around the corner. I'm not sure how I feel about being one year older, but I am looking forward to the celebration this year. But, you already know all about that. The Blue Falcon makes everything better.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - Valkyrie and I are really chewing on something this week. This thing I realized when I was writing yesterdays entry. This Apathy Squared thing. This realization that I don't even care that I don't care anymore. This sense of being totally dead inside.

I've realized that I have this black hole inside of me and now any time I feed (yeah, seems it's even happening with the Blue Falcon too), the energy doesn't stick with me. It just gets sucked in by the void and disappears into the nothingness.

The second I'm alone, I just feel so empty.

I have no energy left to put that call out into the universe to bring more sweeties to me, and even if I did… they couldn't feed me anyway. Not with this void inside me. So, step one is putting a plug in that drain.

Right now, none of us can figure out how to accomplish that goal. (Valkyrie and I asked the Blue Falcon too, just because his unique mind might come up with something where our minds could not)

I feel like I really need someone who personifies Disturb's song Devour. "Dead to love, the path that you are now taking. Show me a reason to make you mine."

I can't do this alone. I need someone to rescue me here. I'm drowning and I'm alone and I'm afraid.

 - Writing - I'm still nowhere with the writing. At least, with Torvus anyway. I know what needs to happen in the pinch point, but the words still won't come.

I have had quite the racy sexual fantasy brewing for about the last week, though. So, who knows. I might write a short Ghost Story out of that.

Probably not a very good one… but something to get it out of my head at least.

 - Sleep / Fitbit - 7 hours 34 minutes, 6x awake, 17x restless, total of 49 minutes awake/restless… wow… so I guess last night was particularly shitty. Fuck me… I need to get out of this black hole of despair.

 - Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Caffeine - I'll be okay with 3 today.

 - Blood Sugar - 118 - high for a morning after eating popcorn for dinner… not sure what's up with that.

 - INR - Test today.

 - Nervous System - Adjustment today.

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - I knew he wasn't going to come visit me.

For all his posturing, for all his glimmers of hope, for all his 'maybe's' that never actually turned into a promise. I knew something would happen and he wouldn't make it down to see me.

His other job kicked in… now his days off are occupied working there.

What do I even believe anymore?

Does he even want to see me?

Does he even miss me at all?

 - The Unicorn - The Blue Falcon helped me stock up for her staycation. He says we can go shopping again if I run out of anything. He's so sweet. He's going to come around more during her stay too. I suggested that he let her pick an Anime for them to watch and he thought that was a marvelous idea.

I hope it's Moribito. I know he'd like that one.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ If you're a reader and having trouble keeping the code named sweeties straight, look up above this entry and below the header. There's a link to a list of names/bio's there. - this is a work in progress, so if you're a sweetie and you don't see your name listed, don't worry, I'll get to you. ]

 - Recent Encounters - I don't know what to tell you… The boys just aren't lining up right now. It's like they can sense the void and they don't want to get anywhere near it.

The last time I needed to be rescued like this, I wrote a Ghost Story and I rescued myself.

Maybe that's what needs to happen again.

Maybe I need to take a break from Torvus and write something shitty and stupid and sexy…

*sigh* I'll think about it.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - He's so fucking beautiful. Everything about him just makes my heart sing.

Yesterday I was supposed to meet with my case worker and go on a run to Sam's Club to restock some essentials and bulk up on some supplies to get the Unicorn through her staycation with me. But, she got called into training…

I didn't want to do it… I fucking hated doing it because the Blue Falcon already has enough on his plate right now… but I messaged the Blue Falcon.

He shifted his schedule for me and he came to pick me up a little after six. He came with me to shop and even took me to the UPS store after so I could drop off a package.

Back at my place we cuddled and I let him know what Valkyrie and I are chewing on.

His insight is that the last several dates I've been on have been severely disappointing. He's not wrong. But he says that I've gone cold because I’m expecting all guys to disappoint me now.

He's still not wrong.

So, that's where the Apathy Squared is generating from. But, as for how we plug that drain and actually make a feed stick, he's as clueless as Valkyrie and I.

More good news, though. It seems that the Blue Falcon has found a new place to live… details are still being hammered out, but it's looking promising right now. His new place is only 10 minutes away from me too!! He'll be on his own and able to host me as well. Movie nights might shift to him for a bit because I'm sure he has a way better TV.

*sigh*

I love him.

I really wish I had more sweeties like him.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - Nothing

 - The Hopefuls - New

 - Honorable Mentions - to Report…

End Notes:

The more I think about it the more I think a Ghost Story might be my way out…

I think I’m going carry a notebook today… just in case ideas start coming to me.