Curse my tortured heart...

OMG… I'm still feeling it… I have no idea how long it's going to take for my body to forgive the Blue Falcon for yesterdays indescression. It's all in his update below.

The best part is that I get to see him again for some quality one-on-one time today.  :) 

How was my life ever complete without him before?

How much is it going to suck when he gets a girlfriend and we can't be as close as we are anymore?

I just keep hoping that I have Bran back before that happens. Right now the only thing really holding me together without Bran is the Blue Falcon. If I lost him too… I'm so scared of what might happen.

I noticed some possessive twinges yesterday.

I need to cut that shit right the hell out.

The Blue Falcon isn't mine. He's not supposed to be mine. He belongs to the future mother of his children. It's only my job to give him relationship practice so he can be the best partner he can be when he finds her.

Curse my tortured heart.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - I haven't been doing much in terms of different therapies other than working on Torvus. Crits are starting to filter in, and that's nice. It's good to see the work getting read and it's nice to see some feedback happening. I check in on the game just long enough to get my door prizes, pretty much. I pick at my yarn when I'm in waiting rooms.

It just seems like there's not much more I can do right now…

*sigh*

I'm kinda fucked.

Really.

 - Writing - Act II is off to a slow start. I'm not really sure if I know what I’m doing. I know that my characters seem to be doing what is the next most logical step in their relationships, but it's not following scene or sequel structure at all… I didn't even end chapter 19 on a hook.

I think I'm going to need to go back and rewrite that… Or, post it as is and ask for crit feedback? Fuck, I don't know. I'm so damn lost right now. UGH! Just when I felt like I was getting somewhere too!

 - Sleep / Fitbit - I was so exhausted after yesterdays adventure that I curled up on the sofa and watched a movie until I took a nap. I was kind of waiting up for Bran to call, but he didn't. When my pill reminder went off I just got up, ate a couple pieces of toast and went to bed. So, the Fitbit recorded both the nap and the actual sleep. Which is what was supposed to do:

10 hours 35 minutes, 6x awake, 22x restless, total of 75 minutes awake/restless.

 - Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Caffeine - I'll be fine with just 3 cups of coffee today.

 - Blood Sugar - 114 this morning (AWESOME!)

 - Exercise/Yoga - I'm going to try tomorrow. Really! But today I'm cooked. Yesterday was way too much activity.

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - We got to talk for a little bit yesterday…

I really don't have anything new to say.

 - The Unicorn - After the Blue Falcon left, we had some more quality bonding time. We watched 2 more episodes of Buffy/Angel and ate ramen like a couple of dorks. It was awesome.

It's so cool that she trusts me enough to get her addicted to shows.

She wants to watch Supernatural again from the beginning once we're done with the Buffy/Angel'verse.

I have to wait until she's a bit older and a lot less sex-phobic to get her into my other favorites like Lost Girl and Dollhouse. I can't really think of any other shows that have touched me on that level that she might be interested in.

Still, it was great bonding. I can't wait to see her again.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ If you're a reader and having trouble keeping the code named sweeties straight, look up above this entry and below the header. There's a link to a list of names/bio's there. - this is a work in progress, so if you're a sweetie and you don't see your name listed, don't worry, I'll get to you. ]

 - Recent Encounters - The Blue Falcon and I both agree that he's spoiled me.

He says that the modern dating scene (culture) has been augmented to only be interested in instant gratification and then walking away. *sigh* Now that I think about it, he's right.

I feel like I need to re-think this… Like I need to find a way to be okay with the one-night-stands again.

If that's the only way I can feed… then just getting the never ending line of dick out my door might be one way to help me to be okay again.

I don't know… I just don't know.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - OH MY!

Yesterday was quite the adventure!

The Blue Falcon showed up at my place promptly at noon (he's the most punctual person I've ever met). Giving the Unicorn and me ample time to eat our breakfasts and do my hair like a pink urban primitive.

Then we saddled up and got moving.

The plan for the day was to scope out potential locations to see the Fourth of July fireworks for my birthday.  :)

I’M SO HAPPY THE BLUE FALCON IS DOING THIS WITH US!!

Stop 1: A park near where I live. This is the same place the Unicorn and I went last year and it was a pretty good show. We *almost* got there when the Blue Falcon noticed an Ax Man Surplus Store.

He's been DYING to go walking through one of those! So, we got temporarily sidetracked.

I had $15 to my name and the Unicorn found some stuff she liked, so I got it for her. She picked out two wrap/snap bracelets and an absolutely beautiful walking staff. I think she looks bad ass with it. Like she's totally about to go all Morgan and kill some zombies or some shit like that.

Then to the park…

During the drive we were also discussing the menu options. One idea was grilling out, which I had originally suggested but then retracted because the park grills would be kind of nasty.

The Blue Falcon suggested that he could pick up some chicken but I said I didn't want anything a) hot, or b) that had to be eaten with the hands/fingers.

Somewhere around Stop 2 and giving up on Stop 3 we settled on a cold pasta salad of rainbow rotini with salmon and asparagus. Accompanied by some lovely cream soda.  :)

Stop 2 was a bust. We realized quickly that the trees would be in the way. Plus it would have involved driving through massive crowds in downtown. Not good. But, we're probably going to go back there sometime anyway. It's a good place for the Blue Falcon and the Unicorn to do some Poke-Hunting.

We never even made it to Stop 3, which was a lake… the roads were so blocked off and bad getting there that we gave up and decided on a side adventure of visiting the falls instead.

That's where things took a turn for the uncomfortable.

The Unicorn and the Blue Falcon wanted to do a lot of exploring and climbing around, which involved walking all the way down several flights of stairs just to get to where the water was. I knew I was in trouble. Walking down all those steps meant walking back up all of them too.

They left me sitting on a rock while they explored, and then we headed back up. I had to stop and rest several times and that's when the Blue Falcon realized just how far outside of my comfort zone I was. He apologized profusely, but then he made it up to me with an icee. We shared it. It was cute. I got to try the flavor called Tiger's Blood. It was very tropical.  :)

I love the intimate stuff like that…

That we share food, eating with the same utensil, just like a couple would.

I know he's not mine. But sometimes he does things with me that makes it feel like he is.

---

I don't know how long the Blue Falcon and I will get to have this level of intimacy in our friendship and I’m greatly conflicted about it.

On the one hand, he's not getting any younger and his best 'dad years' are currently wasting away while he waits for a girl to see the things in him that I see.

On the other hand, I'm at that place where I don't want to let him go.

*sigh*

The right thing to do is hope for the former. I need to hope for the mother of his children to show up. He deserves that!

I just hope Bran is back by then so I have someone to help me survive losing him.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - Noting new to report.

 - The Hopefuls - Hopeful 1: He really hasn't been that chatty lately. I’m not even sure if we're still on for this weekend.

I have some other blips on the radar, but nothing worth getting excited about.

 -- Friday -- I've been thinking about him a lot… about the incredible depth and passion that I know only he'll be able to deliver, and I want it so badly.

I know I have to give him time to get over things… and I’m okay with that.

I know I'll be his eventually, and I know I'll love every second of it… It will happen.

 - Honorable Mentions - Nothing new to report.

End Notes:

There's a lot of work in the whole 'letting go' thing.

I just hope I'm able to move on when the time comes.