Dating woes, indeed.

I was supposed to have a date yesterday, but it was someone I wasn't even remotely excited about, so I'm not upset that he blew me off. He's one of those guys that just doesn't seem that interesting on paper but I was giving the benefit of a doubt to anyway. This is the Blue Falcon's influence. I need to start giving out more chances and casting a wider net if I'm going to recruit more sweeties.

It's especially important now. If the Blue Falcon is going to get serious about dating and if I'm going to be serious about helping him. Then I better have more sweeties to keep me company. I need to be prepared for the harsh reality of losing the Blue Falcon before Bran has come back.

I do have another date tonight. This one does have me a little perky. But, I did my check-in with him yesterday and I've received no response, so I'm pretty sure this one is a no-go too. And that I'm a little bit bummed about.

In other good/bad news: Friday's long distance girlfriend is not going to work out. He says he's over it but I can tell he's hurt/upset. However, this has brought him back around to getting serious about meeting me in person again.

Just a quick reminder. Friday talks the best game of anyone who's ever talked a game at all. Based on his words, he's exactly what I need sexually. But, we'll have to see if that's what he's actually capable of in person.

And therein lies my dating woes…

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - / - Writing - Yesterday I was only able to process three more of Geminae's crits before I hit full on brain melt and ceased to function at all yesterday. I don't know what it is about reading critiques that takes so much out of me. I know that there was one massive suggestion for a change that will require engaging my creative brain for revision. I need to change a character entirely. He only shows up in half of one chapter, so it's no big thing! It's just that I have no reference for the change that I need to make in him. Right now he's a super nice guy and Geminae feels he would be better off as more of the 'Tough Love' type. I don't have the slightest bit of experience with tough love, so I don't know how to write it. This is going to take some doing. Hopefully I can pull it off.

So, I go into my day with all this spunk. I'm going to read some crits and then maybe get other writing related stuff done too… and the other stuff just never happens. I just burn right the fuck out.

*sigh*

Maybe that's okay.

Maybe it's better that I don't push it?

Yeah… I think it's way better that I don't push it.

 - Sleep / Fitbit - I keep dozing off while I'm supposed to be just winding down… so, that time just laying on the sofa with my horror movies is being counted as 'restful sleep' time… okay. I wish I knew why I was still feeling so tired then. I’m worried this is depression related. Sleeping too much?

Nevertheless: 11 hours 23 minutes, 4x awake, 19x restless, 54 minutes awake/restless.

I also never got up to eat dinner last night. I had a late lunch of ramen with an egg in it, and I nommed about half a chocolate bar, but when it came to actually getting up to get some dinner in me… I just couldn't move. So, I settled for eating two pieces of toast when I got up to actually go to bed.

I'm not sure this is a good thing.

I even hit the snooze for half an hour this morning because the bed just felt so inviting, and then when I got my coffee and sat in my chair, I just sat there doing nothing and thinking for half an hour.

I mean… What the fuck?

Where am I?

Where have I gone?

I can't keep my eyes open when watching movies… then I can't fall asleep… then I can't wake up…

I don't think I’m okay.

 - Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

It'll happen… I'll get back on top of this shit soon. I have the Blue Falcon waggling the mighty Jew finger at me. He's not going to let me wallow in my poor health for much longer.

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - We talked a little bit yesterday.

He'd been pulled into doing a 'family day' at the park with that screeching harpy and her abominations. And I know he couldn't have been too happy about that… but I was even less happy about it. Bad Ju Ju from my abandonment issues last year.

*sigh* fuck…

It is what it is… he's been 'daddy' for almost a year now… these kids have imprinted on him. Yes, I know he hates it and he'd rather be at home with me, but this was his fuck up. This was his mess and he's got to figure out how to clean it up.

This all comes down to the Karma-Fuck-Bomb that got dropped over a year ago. It's still not done with any of us. Even if I'm doing okay'ish without him… I'm sure there's more that I need to be doing in order to satisfy Karma's will.

I did note when the Blue Falcon was driving me back home the other day… there was this woman running and she had this really bouncy pony tail and I appreciated it. That's the first time in over a year that I've appreciated even the slightest thing about the female form. But, it's still movement, you know? I'm still nowhere near trusting anything with tits again. But I can look at a girl and think she's pretty again. So, that's something.

Edit:

I just got off the phone with Bran.

There's movement in the great north.

He's been shortlisted for a promotion.

This is both good and not quite as good.

Good: More money! Also, there are currently 12 open positions for that station in my area right now. So it greatly increases his chances of coming home. In fact, it would almost be a guarantee.

Not Quite as Good: The training time is 3 months, he would still be stuck up north with _her_ during that time. This would also extend him past my own lease renewal and possibly fuck up my housing when he comes back if we can't get him added to the lease.

This would also mean he's gone for more than a year total. Totally crushing my year and a day theory.

But, maybe this is what Karma intended?

Maybe the separation needed to lead up to this grand promotion for him?

Even I have to admit it will have been worth it.

*sigh*

I just hope I can hold onto at least one good sweetie that long.

Shut up, yes we all know I'm talking about the Blue Falcon.

Okay, enough about Bran.

Good and not so good… I'll still take it, though.

 - The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ If you're a reader and having trouble keeping the code named sweeties straight, look up above this entry and below the header. There's a link to a list of names/bio's there. - this is a work in progress, so if you're a sweetie and you don't see your name listed, don't worry, I'll get to you. ]

 - Recent Encounters - Nothing new to report.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - I'm spending the day with him on Thursday, helping with moving stuff…

*purr*

Blue Falcon time.

Naked snuggles are unlikely, but at least I can count on hugs.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - Heard from one of my one-timers just a little bit ago. He'd suddenly dropped off the map. I wasn't worried. He had a massive family emergency. I'm guessing I'll be seeing him again soon. This one is coming to me for healing, so it's really one-sided. I don't get much out of our time together.

 - The Hopefuls - Still hopeful that my date tonight will work out… but, we'll just have to see I guess.

 - Honorable Mentions - That one guy who stood me up keeps sniffing… *sigh* I don't know. Maybe I'm being too hard on him. I've forgiven everyone else who's ever stood me up, so why not him? What is it about this guy in particular that has me rubbed so wrong?

Or should I trust my instincts and never allow this guy to darken my doorstep at all?

Not sure.

I'll get back to you.

End Notes:

And therein lies my dating woes.

I'm not going to lie… I really just wish I had another guy like the Blue Falcon who was looking for something like me in the longer term.

The Blue Falcon wants a wife, and kids… he wants the American Dream of a perfect family. He wants to be a dad. I can't give him that, so it's my job to give him up to the woman that can.

I'll miss him, though.

I really just wish I had someone like him who wasn't quite so ready to move on to the nesting phase yet.

*sigh*

Dating woes, indeed.

So fucking beautiful...

I had the best day yesterday…

I got to work early. I was reviewing another one of Geminae's crits before the clock had even struck 11 am. So, I was really proud of myself for having things underway so efficiently.

I was on my third crit when the Blue Falcon texted me. "Do you wanna hang today?"

*swoon*

I already knew I was getting stood up by my date, so of course I said yes. I told him I just needed time to finish reviewing that crit and then take a shower (and make the bed). We agreed to meet at 1 pm and he showed up right on time.

I'll tell you the rest in his section.

I just wanted to mention it early because my prediction has come to pass. Today I'm definitely all 'Fuckwad who?'

I'm so happy that the Blue Falcon is in my life…

He can erase pain so easily that it's uncanny. It's almost like he has some latent healer ability but since he's all science and no spirit, he'd never acknowledge it.

Either way, it's one more wound closed, because he does that. Even my old ones that continued to bleed for years… they're just sealed. Barely even a scar.

How fucking beautiful is that?

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - / - Writing - As I just mentioned. I didn't make it very far in reviewing crits yesterday before my day went into social mode. Geminae can definitely tell where I need things to go and he points out where things need to be reworded a bit. He's great at that. He's not rewriting the story for me. He only has the most minor suggestions in a paragraph or two. He mainly focuses on the emotion of the piece, which is exactly what I need him to do. He's wonderful. I love him. Granted it also helps that we're almost exactly alike. So, he knows precisely what message I'm trying to convey.

I also scored another beta reader on OKC. He's the first person besides Valkyrie to make it all the way through the text, so I was able to ask him some very direct questions about the climax of Act I. His reactions were perfect. I managed to convey exactly what I wanted to convey.

So, I know I'm right on target for Act I… I just hope I can get dirty again and start writing Act II.

 - Sleep / Fitbit - I pretty much ate a chocolate bar for dinner (stop judging me) and that had me dozing on the couch when I was supposed to just be winding down with my horror movie. Literally the second time I'd tried to watch it because the first time I couldn't stay awake either. Anyway, the Fitbit pulled in that time as well. So, 9 hours 30 minutes, 4x awake, 21x restless, 57 minutes awake/restless.

 - Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Blood Sugar - 134 this morning, despite not eating much at all yesterday… okay…

 - INR - The Blue Falcon took me shopping to re-load up on my own ramen supply, which means I'll be into the Green Dragon hot sauce again. That should drop my INR's back to normal. So I'm just going to go back to my usual dosage on pills. I think that will be fine.

 - Exercise/Yoga - The Blue Falcon and I are working on getting my supplements. Especially the iron and the vitamin C. Then I can stop being so light headed and I'll be able to exercise more.

He's also going to come over and start forcing me to go on walks, LOL…

OMG… I love him so much.

 - Weight Management - I know I'm getting nowhere with weight loss, though. And it fucking sucks.

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - I was right. I did make him grumpy yesterday when I told him that we were only six weeks away from him being gone a year. He told me last night that he really dislikes being reminded of how long he's been gone because he's had so many things go sideways on him. Pretty much nothing has gone according to plan.

I think he's struggling with his failure complex.

I wish I could just hug him and tell him it's all going to be okay.

 - The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ If you're a reader and having trouble keeping the code named sweeties straight, look up above this entry and below the header. There's a link to a list of names/bio's there. - this is a work in progress, so if you're a sweetie and you don't see your name listed, don't worry, I'll get to you. ]

 - Recent Encounters - My date for yesterday bailed/never checked in. But, I'm okay with that. I know this one struggles with some pretty serious emotional turmoil's and I’m guessing he's gone into hiding the same way that I do when I’m overwhelmed.

He'll show back up when he's ready.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - I'm literally still in orbit.

Ye Gods, the things he does to me just by being next to me. Just by sitting and talking. Or cuddling. We don't even have to have sex and it's still this incredible time spent with him.

I found out as he was taking me home that the day was a wash for him. His original plan was to be road tripping to be somewhere else the entire day, but it didn't happen.

I don't want to say that I was his first thought when he realized he had nothing to do yesterday… because I don't want to jinx it… but it's starting to sound like that's what happened.

Anyway, so he got to my place at one, and he apologized for not hugging me the day before when he came to pick up boxes to help with his pending move. It turns out that we both regretted not hugging and it was even on his mind to drive all the way back to give me a hug, but he was so busy that day that it just wasn't a possibility.

We sat on my couch for a bit and I explained how my writer's block was all his fault. He found it funny that his helping me heal my old wounds is what's causing my failure to tap into the well of pain that I need to do my writing. He wasn't offended at all that I blamed him. He was just happy that he has such a good effect on me.

I hadn't eaten yet, and I was hungry, so I went to prepare second breakfast and we sat and talked while I ate. He'd already feasted, so that was okay.

After I finished eating we retired to the Chamber of Snuggles and things got naked pretty quickly. He was adamant that naked snuggles are the best snuggles and I know you know how much I agree with him on that.

There was this moment when I was holding him close and the pillow talk bug bit me… I wound up saying 'I love you'. The same bug must have bitten him because he said 'I love you too.'

We all know that's not possible. The Blue Falcon can't feel love. Or at least he claims that he can't. He doesn't show me that he can't. He just says that he can't. But I always feel him loving me… and now he pillow talked it at me… I tried not to read too much into it, though.

We cuddled for awhile and then after a bit we decided to head back to his apartment so I could help him pack a bit.

On the way there he told me that he wants to get serious about dating again. He asked me if I'd help him with an OKC profile. I told him, of course, I would.

His concern was that I would be assisting him in something that wasn't exactly in my best interests. Helping him find a girlfriend would mean giving him up sooner rather than later.

No. I told him it's okay. I explained that part of the Cougar Code needs to be my learning to let go when my cub is ready to move on to his nesting phase. I need to be able to set my cub free and hand him over to the wife and mother of his kids.

The Blue Falcon needs that relationship, so I need that for him.

I love him so fucking much that helping him move on is the most loving thing I can do for him.

We stopped somewhere so he could grab food. This place that makes really good potatoes. Not exactly fast food… but good food. Then we sat in the massage chairs at the mall while we ate. It was fun.

So, I helped him pack a little bit… not much. I scored a couple of laptop speakers and a large fan out of the deal.

He drove me past his new place on the way back to mine, and then we snuggled a little bit more while we watched the pilot of the original Twin Peaks. Unfortunately it was a double episode pilot and that meant no naked and no play time *pout*. After that he was ready to go home.

I mentioned that I need to go to Trader Joe's in the not too distant future and I explained about the ramen with the Green Dragon hot sauce. We're going to make the Trader Joe's trip soon, but he did take me to the grocery store to load up on Ramen last night because he's that kind of a sweetie. Then I remembered that I had a whole list of other things I needed from a regular grocery store, so I grabbed those things too!!

He dropped me off and I retired to my chocolate bar and my horror movie that I still can't stay awake through.

We spent like 8 hours together.

I love him so much.

And yeah… it's going to hurt like hell when we take it to strictly platonic, and I'm going to have to grieve that loss. But I'm sure I can handle it. It won't be like it was with Set. I'm sure of it.

I know I'll be able to let him go.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - I'm not worried about the ones that aren't talking to me anymore. I can thank Pathfinder for helping me understand what's happening there.

 - The Hopefuls - I have some dates coming up that I’m not all that excited about. It's more or less just me giving people chances and granting them the opportunities to surprise me.

Meh… I could take it or leave it.

 - Honorable Mentions - That one guy who chickened out and thought I was some sort of Axe Murderer is still trying to contact me…

*sigh*

I don't know…

I just don't know…

He seems to think that he'll actually go through with it if I give him a second chance, but I'm still really not in the mood to give it to him. To be brutally honest, I just don't fucking care about this guy at all. He can fucking rot.

It's like I said before… stand me up and you get no quarter with me.

End Notes:

I feel very blessed to have spent the day with the Blue Falcon yesterday. We have few of those left before the Unicorn will be here for her two week staycation. But, I’m sure there will be more times after that too, though.

*smile*

He said he loved me back…

*squee*

I know it was just pillow talk… but still…

*squee*

Whatever… I'm patient.

"Good morning. The oracle guarded the Apple of eden and from time to time treasure hunters would show up on her mountain. Pretending to want a word on their future but truly only seeking one lick of the apple. She was not a miser with her gifts. But with the revelation came the cry. It's her cry (her most powerful gift) that scared away the faint of the heart. The world was torn between knights and foot soldiers. A foot soldier seeks not the perpetual bliss that the Apple shall grant him, but only the minute of fame the Apple could bestow. A true knight could get through the oracle rather than trying to get past her. The oracle must persevere for hers is the most noble of duties. Hers is the the most powerful seat in the realm of the mortals. And it is her job (which she willingly has chosen) to deliver to the heavens only the finest of souls."

Pathfinder wrote that for me yesterday morning… then he moved on to clarify what it meant. He was soothing me and my hurt feelings over Fuckwad rejecting me.

I get it.

I'm grateful to Pathfinder. It did ease the hurt a little bit. But, like I said, it's still going to sting a bit for a couple of days. My standard bounce back is 48 hours and I'm about due for the 'getting over it'. Pretty soon I'll be saying F'uckwad who?'

--

In other news, my date for last night fell through. It's okay. I totally understand that he's got this huge project that he's working on and these are literally the worst 3 weeks to try dating him. So, I'm just going to let him focus and stay on the back burner until he's ready.

This one needs some loving touch.

And he's super artistic/eccentric too… read as: INTENSE!

Maybe even intense enough to put up with my special brand of bat shit crazy? Who knows. But I'm looking forward to finding out.

--

Loose plans were made a bit ago for a second date with someone today, but I've not heard from him. :/ - so, no idea if he's coming back to collect or not. This one's not a fuckwad, though. He's got a lot of personal issues and should probably be in some sort of therapy or on some sort of medication, or very well he should be doing both… but he's just trying to stick it out on his own. So, chances are he's just hiding in some sort of breakdown 'dead space' and I'll hear from him when he decides to poke his head out again.

Whatever… I'm patient.

I've got work to do today anyway.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - / - Writing - I made it through two crits on Torvus yesterday before I hit brain melt and had to retire to my comfy couch and horror movies. I really need a code name for this critiquer, because he's awesome and we're a lot alike, so he really gets me and understands what I'm going for, so his emotional reactions to the text are fucking perfect.

Wait!! I've got it!! His code name is Geminae! Latin for TWIN! (he seriously is another me… we have so much in common it's scary)

Anyway. Geminae gives great crit and I can't wait to get back to his thoughts… but it seems my brain can only take in so much before it's ready to shut down.

I hope I can take in more today, but we'll see.

 - Sleep / Fitbit - 8 hours 24 minutes, 3x awake, 17x restless, 37 minutes awake/restless. - it would be really nice to not lose so much sleep in the middle of the night… but this seems to be adequate rest for me. I perk up pretty fast once I get the caffeine going.

 - Fur-babies - Splotches dropped by yesteray. Catmom says he came in from outside and came straight to my door. He did not request snuggles, though. If anything he just seemed really agitated for some reason. Not sure what was up with him, but he definitely didn't seem happy.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

Stop judging me.

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - We only talked once yesterday. He called me on his commute in, but not on his commute out.

*sigh*

Things are bad… Bites are being taken out of his bank account and he's not able to compensate for the huge chunks of his money that are suddenly disappearing.

This is bad.

The whole point of going up north (aside from the career move) was to get out of debt. But, now he's hemorrhaging funds just as badly as when he was with me. This could mean that he won't even have the money to come home once a position opens up.

It sure as hell means that paying the Blue Falcon back isn't going to happen any time soon.

Fuck me.

 - The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ If you're a reader and having trouble keeping the code named sweeties straight, look up above this entry and below the header. There's a link to a list of names/bio's there. - this is a work in progress, so if you're a sweetie and you don't see your name listed, don't worry, I'll get to you. ]

 - Recent Encounters - Nothing new to report.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - I saw him for all of two minutes yesterday. We even forgot to hug. He was just dropping by to pick up some boxes that I'd saved for him to help with his move. The second he graced my company he went on about how busy he was, so I didn't keep him, even though I really wanted to.

Our time will come soon enough.

Once he's done settling in… I know he'll take a few breaths and realize he misses me.

Naked cuddles and other crazy antics will ensue.

LOL… I love him so fucking much.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - So, I'm really not expecting that second date today, and I’m okay with that.

 - The Hopefuls - Mr. Intense will take a few weeks before he can get to me… and then we'll find out how strong he really is.

 - Honorable Mentions - I have to ask myself if I really learned anything from Fuckwad or from my experience in being rejected by him. I mean, on the one hand, ow. Yes, there is that… but, on the other hand, he wasn't all that aggressive. He talked a good game, but he was kinda tame when it came right down to it.

*shrug* Whatever…

End Notes:

So, that leads me to the inevitable "Am I all that _hopeful_ about anyone?"

The last time I got hit with a long line of one-night-stands I dropped into an Apathy Squared head space where I was so accustomed to disappointment that I couldn't get even remotely excited about anyone. I literally reached the point where I didn't even care that I didn't care.

I really want to hit some sort of happy medium there.

I'd like to get excited about a guy, but then not be crushed when he disappoints me.

Take it or leave it, a girl can only handle being crushed so many times, you know?

Pathfinder did a good job of renewing my faith in men… but the guys since Pathfinder have been kinda… blah…

Where can  I hold onto the hope without loosing it every time someone hurts me?

I don't think the answer on that one is going to come to me any time soon.

Whatever… I'm patient.

This is going to sting a bit...

So, last night I went to send a message to my date from the night before. Just because I hadn't heard from him all day and I wanted to wish him well.

He'd blocked me.

WTF?!

Fuck you too, buddy.

*sigh*

On the one hand, I know this is his loss. He just wasn't strong enough for me. Not like the Blue Falcon or Pathfinder. Or even the Dragon. He didn't _see_ me. He didn't understand what was submitting to him. And that's okay… not everyone gets it. I have to expect that only the strong are going to survive when it comes to me.

But, on the other hand, this is still a rejection and I don't handle rejection well.

This is going to sting a bit for a few days.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - / - Writing - I’m putting these on the same line today because they're the same thing. So, I had some projects I needed to finish yesterday. Nothing I can talk about here, though. After I was done there I sat down with my trusty tablet in hand and in 'non edit mode' I read all of Torvus, right from the beginning up to where I left off.

I’m now fully refreshed on my own work.

Today I’m going to start reading the critiques that I have been postponing and making some minor changes to the text. Nothing serious. The story will stay much the same.

My hope is that by tomorrow I'll be ready to take on this writer's block full throttle and actually begin working on Act II.

*crossing fingers*

Here's hoping.

 - Sleep / Fitbit - 8 hours, exactly. 3x awake, 8x restless, 20 minutes awake/restless… so really not a bad night at all!!

 - Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

What? Where? Physical Health? I'm supposed to be working on this?

Gods I fucking suck at this shit.

I’m supposed to be getting on top of ordering my iron supplements for my anemia so I can stop getting so lightheaded any time I stand up… and then get back to exercising every day.

What do I do?

Yup, I look at my fluffy sofa and say 'hey… I should be totally lazy and just lay down on you all day.'

I’m going to die early…

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - No calls from Bran yesterday. I'm guessing it was a day off. I got a few snaps from him and he was at home. It's okay… I'm sure I'll hear from him today.

 - The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ If you're a reader and having trouble keeping the code named sweeties straight, look up above this entry and below the header. There's a link to a list of names/bio's there. - this is a work in progress, so if you're a sweetie and you don't see your name listed, don't worry, I'll get to you. ]

 - Recent Encounters - I *might* have a date tonight… so look for something here tomorrow.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - I really fucking hate one-night-stands. I’m always left wondering 'what's wrong with me that they don't ever want to come back?'

But, if I were talking to someone else and they'd asked that same question, I would have said "Nothing at all, they're just dicks who couldn't see your true worth. It's their loss. They had no idea what they held in their hands."

That's what Pathfinder would have said to me if he'd had the words.

Yeah, the rejection hurts.

But I'm better off without blind assholes sniffing around my nethers looking for a treat.

 - The Hopefuls - My *maybe* date tonight has a LOT going on right now. Some very serious side project work that has him super busy for the next few weeks. So, he might not make it out to me. But he wants to. Last night we chatted and I was able to get it out of him that he's both 'over stressed' and 'touch starved' right now. He needs to (his words) "Sleep wrapped up in someone". Once he said that I remembered that he'd made mutterings about an overnight the first time we'd chatted.

You know me… kindness first… now I want him just to give him what he needs.

He also gets blocked a lot after the first date and he seems pretty damn intense himself, so maybe this one will stick. Who knows.

 - Honorable Mentions - I'm still frustrated that this dick blocked me. Yes, I know I'm better off… but I still don't like it.

End Notes:

Yeah, so, this is going to sting a bit.

Let the brain hacking begin!

Being awake is so overrated.

I wanted to hit the snooze, but today is kind of a big day for me. So, instead, I'm here with my coffee and working on waking the fuck up.

Right… so I better get to it.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - Now that I've pinned down the cause of my writers block, it's time to actually do something about it. So, today I have some things to get out of the way and then I'm spending the majority of the day reading my work and getting back up to speed on my own narrative. If there's time I might even start going over some of the critiques I haven't read yet too.

Hopefully this gets me going again.

Hopefully I can figure out a way to tap back into that well of pain that started me writing Torvus to begin with.

Hopefully.

 - Writing - My apologies, but this probably squashes the Ghost Stories for a bit. I can't pull my creative mind two places at once. Ghost would be a distraction and a time suck right now.

If I'm able to start working on Torvus again, I'll probably get back to my standard 2K in one hours worth of writing. Editing takes a lot longer, but on the writing days I'm done pretty quickly and I should still have some creative energy left in me to put into a 1K installment on a Ghost Story.

If any of you are addicted to my sex scenes, I'm sorry. My novel takes priority.

My therapist is beta reading my novel and she's going out of her fucking mind wanting to know what happens next.

If you want to read the novel in progress, you can do so here: TORVUS

 - Sleep / Fitbit - The fit bit pulled in the post dinner near-doze on the couch before the actual going to bed, so the numbers aren't quite there. 8 hours 29 minutes, 6x awake, 19x restless, total of 57 minutes awake/restless.

 - Fur-babies - Dreamy dropped by for a really short bit yesterday… he was in a mood too. Just antsy about something. Wandering around my apartment and squawking. When he came near my writing chair as I was working on yesterday's Ghost Story, I set the computer aside and asked him if he wanted to come up for snuggles. He squawked at me but then he jumped right up into my lap and stayed there for a little bit. I tried to soothe him by petting him, but he never purred or stopped thrashing his tail. He was definitely not in a good mood at all.

He soon jumped down and then when Catmom came back he raced to get back out of my apartment.

I think he wanted to be outside for a lot longer yesterday. It's summer, he probably wants to lounge in the sun and take a long nap in the grass, but she can't leave him alone out there like that. He needs to have a way back in. So we get moody kitty.

Poor moody kitty.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - INR - It was high yesterday. 4.6… Bran was the one who figured out why it suddenly spiked. Because the only thing that had changed was that I ran out of ramen to eat. Ramen shouldn't have been an issue, except I was dumping in a heavy squirt or two of the Trader Joe's Green Dragon hot sauce. The heavy greens in the hot sauce were probably loaded with Vitamin K. Enough to keep my INR much lower, so it spiked when I ran out of ramen.

Humph!

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - He had kind of a rough day yesterday. There was one day where they hadn't adjusted his schedule yet to closing. So, he'd closed the night before, and then opened yesterday. He think's he was going on about two hours of 'rest'. Not sleep, but just 'lay there and do nothing but try to sleep'.

Ugh… I feel bad for him.

We got to talk a little during his lunch break, and a little on his drive home, but that was it. Nothing really special in those talks. But, we're both happy that he's full time now. He's one step closer to coming home.

 - The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ If you're a reader and having trouble keeping the code named sweeties straight, look up above this entry and below the header. There's a link to a list of names/bio's there. - this is a work in progress, so if you're a sweetie and you don't see your name listed, don't worry, I'll get to you. ]

 - Recent Encounters - So, this guy and I met on FetLife. And for the first time I really feel that Fet did a good job of helping me connect with someone I could really relate to and enjoy.

He's married and this is not an open relationship.

*gasp!* I know! For shame! How dare I?!

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I answer to a much older and a much higher authority when it comes to the subject of fidelity in relationships. Not all the men who are sent to me for healing are going to be single or in open relationships, and sometimes the guys who are going to need my help the most are the ones who are in unfulfilling, existing bonds.

It's just my job to give them what they need so I can send them home, satisfied, and able to function as a better spouse/father. What I do actually protects the integrity of that relationship because I'm only in charge of the body. I always remind them of where their heart should truly lie, and it's not with me.

You have to understand that their minds are already made up. They're going to cheat anyway. So, better with me than someone else. Better with a healer/sex mage who knows what the fuck she's doing than with some random chick who's going to get totally obsessed with him and then try to destroy his marriage!

Okay, so now that we've gotten that out of the way… onto the date itself.

    - 1) good company: skipped

    - 2) good conversation: skipped

    - 3) good snuggles: skipped

No, he didn't fail the first three precepts. He was just really pressed for time.

Here's how it went down:  Tuesday night he found me on Fet and wrote to me, telling me he loved my profile and always had a thing for the Cougar/MILF's of the world. So, I stopped by his profile and I knew right away that I was being called. This one needed me.

We started discussing likes and dislikes, what was missing for him and me. We discovered quickly that we were an exact match. Opposite sides of the same Dom/sub coin.  If it weren't already so late at night during that conversation, we probably would have gotten together then.

Instead we planned it for Wednesday night (last night). It all came down to his ability to sneak out of work early to meet with me and then sneak back into work when he was done. It was all up to him… how much time he wanted to spend with me. How much or how little he wanted to savor the encounter.

It wasn't about me… even though I needed his style of Domination pretty badly.

Our original plan was about 9 pm, but just chatting back and forth about the sex had him so riled up that he just couldn't wait that long. He was with me by 8 pm.

He got to my place and we hugged, long and deep. Then I led him to my bedroom.

    - 4) good sex: I'm surprised we didn't kiss. That might be something he reserves for someone he's in love with.

I sat on the edge of my bed and he stood before me and asked me how I wanted him. I looked up at him and said "You're the one in control." I'm not sure he was expecting that.

He undid his belt and zipper pushing his jeans down and then he put my hand on his cock through his boxers. I stroked him a little through the fabric and then I pulled the waist band down so I could touch him skin-on-skin.

He asked me if I liked it and if I wanted it inside me.

I looked up at him and said yes.

Looking back on this now… I’m pretty sure he needed me to beg him more. I’m getting the strong sensation that he's not feeling 'wanted' enough in his existing relationship. Mental Note: Beg More!

He told me to take my clothes off and we both got naked. I laid back on the bed and he put a condom on.

He had already warned me earlier in the day that he might not last long because he'd been building up a lot of sexual tension since he started chatting with me.

I'm more than okay with this.

It's not about me.

First entry didn't work out well, the angles were off. Easy fix, though. I took, the pillow from behind my head and slid it underneath me. Angles were perfect then. He was able to get inside me, really deep, and he started pounding away.

He asked me if I wanted him to hold me down. Of course, I said yes.

He held my wrists down with his hands and I begged him to go harder.

He made me scream (naturally) and then shushed me down… so I had to hold back, even though I really wanted to scream with how good he felt inside me.

He was right… he didn't last long.

-- and that was pretty much the end of it.

It's unfortunate, but he'd gotten a text regarding a domestic emergency and he had to run. He apologized for having to run so soon after we were finished. I told him it was okay, and it was. I was fine. I gave him a long hug goodbye and let him show himself out while I got dressed.

I sent him my standard post sex thank you note, and I told him not to worry and said I'd love to see him again.

No response yet.

Ugh… you know I’m already worried it was just a one time thing.

*sigh* Time will tell.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - Nothing…

 - The Hopefuls - … new to…

 - Honorable Mentions - … report.

End Notes:

I'm halfway through final coffee and feeling nice and perky…

Wish me luck on the novel today.

I have some other project/tasks I need to settle first, but I should be able to get to this soon.