FUCK! (writer's block)

I woke up to some guy who types in broken English trying to proposition me for sex on FetLife.

Um… how 'bout 'no'.

Yeah, 'no' seems like an appropriate answer.

He's too old for me anyway.

--

I'm worried that I might be scaring off one of my other sweetie blips on the radar. He's the one I just started the new Ghost Story: Teacher's Pet for.

It's starting to seem like I'm reading too much into things with him and I’m not respecting the fact that he doesn't know me well enough for me to be suggesting that we meet yet.

I sent him an apology this morning and told him I'd back off and let him set the pace.

--

I know that last night I thought about something else that I wanted to mention here… but now I can't think of it…

*grr*

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - So, I think I figured out why I've been having such a serious writer's block with Torvus… and yes, there's a reason I'm putting this in the therapy section instead of the writing section… because you can bet your sweet ass I’m talking to Valkyrie about this today.

*sigh*

Remember that writing, for me, is my primary mode of therapy. This is how I give myself what I need to heal and move on from the things that will never heal.

Only what if they fucking heal?

What happens to the story line if I suddenly find myself healed from my trauma?

Yeah… I've known for awhile now that the Blue Falcon was somehow giving me what I needed to heal from what Set put me through.

As fucked up as that sounds.

This non-spiritual kid who, by his own admission, can't even feel the emotion of love… and yet he's the one giving me what I need to heal.

So… unless I figure out some way to still tap into the pain that Set left me with… this might be the end of my ability to write Torvus.

How fucked up is that?

 - Writing - Meanwhile, the little Ghost Story snippets are starting to gain traction as I grow in my confidence level with them. I've started to send out the link to the blog more and more. I even received a comment here, suggesting a new direction for a Ghost Story. Someone wants to know what a pre-ascended Goddess might have gone through when she was unsure of herself and just starting out.

I was there.

I still remember it.

I can certainly write from that perspective.

It won't be my niche!! It won't be a Cougar story. But I can tell it from the perspective of a Cougar who's reflecting on her life before she became so self-aware.

It's doable!

 - Sleep / Fitbit - 8 hours 7 minutes, 0x awake, 14x restless, total of 27 minutes awake/restless.

 - Fur-babies - Both the Fur-babies came over yesterday. Neither requested cuddles, but I marked it down as Cat Therapy time anyway because I gave them some extra love and attention. Whatever was going on with Catmom that was keeping her at bay seems to have finally dissipated and for that I'm grateful. Especially with the Unicorn's giant staycation coming up. I want her to have more contact with the cats.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

Yeah… fuck off.

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - I got to talk to him in the morning on his commute in, but not at night during his commute home… no idea why, but it makes me sad. I really rely on those phone calls to keep me connected to him.

Both of us are happy that he'll be going full time at his primary job, but neither of us are happy about the hours of his shift. He'll be heading into work way too early in the morning. Way to early for me to be awake to keep him awake on the drive in… way to early for him to even pick up breakfast somewhere. Just way too early.

Then there's the other bad news about the wage garnishment. We still don't know just how hard that's going to hit him or what it's going to do to his ability to even manage his existing expenses… much less his ability to come home.

Gods…

This fucking sucks.

I'm still wondering about the Karma here… what is it that he still needs to learn that is keeping him from coming home?

Or is there something that I still need to come to grips with about his being gone that is keeping him from coming home?

Maybe it's _her_? Maybe she still needs to suffer some more?

Fuck, I don't know.

I just wish it was done already.

 - The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ If you're a reader and having trouble keeping the code named sweeties straight, look up above this entry and below the header. There's a link to a list of names/bio's there. - this is a work in progress, so if you're a sweetie and you don't see your name listed, don't worry, I'll get to you. ]

 - Recent Encounters - Nothing new to report.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - I'm still in near constant 'warm fuzzy' space every time I think about him and the last time we were together… I know he's busy and I'm doing my best not to bug him… but I really can't wait to see him again…

I'm waiting for him to make contact, though.

I don't want to pressure him.

He's way too sensitive to the 'I might have hurt someone's feelings'…

He'll come to me when he has time/space.

He misses me.

(squee!)

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - Still nothing from the two that I really wanted to hear from. *sigh*

 - The Hopefuls - Again: I think I’m pushing to hard with one of my potentials, so I really need to back off with him. I’m starting to see that he's much more reserved and not quite as guided by the little head as most of the men that I'm accustomed to. I just hope I've backed off in time to salvage this. He's a really cute kid with a lot of promise. I'd hate to scare him off. It's just the read I get off of him. He seems like he'd be a great sweetie. Very caring. The kind of guy who could help me repair a lot of my internal damages.

--

Another blip hit last night… that one moved to the 'let's get together' lightning fast. Way more of what I'm accustomed to. If it wouldn't have been so late last night when we started chatting we probably would have gotten together then.

He's got a good Alpha Male vibe and a strong sense of the Dom who exerts control by inflicting pleasure. He feeds off the number of orgasms he can exact upon his quivering submissive.

I haven't broken the news to him yet about my climax challenged nature. I just don't want him to walk away before we've had a chance to enjoy each other's company. Hopefully he won't take it personally that I won't be able to achieve orgasm for him. If I can just convince him that the moments of pleasure overload before I need a break are enough for me…

*sigh*

Curse my mutant body and psychological blocks… they keep ruining the fun for so many good lovers. That was the reason Foxtrot never spoke to me again… it was a shame to give up his perfect ass too.

 - Honorable Mentions - I was able to get broken English guy to back off with him wishing me a 'good day'. Oh, thank the gods for that! He didn't make a big stink about me not wanting to fuck him.

I’m sorry… if you can't communicate, you're not my type. (HAH! PUN!!)

End Notes:

I can't wait to see Valkyrie today… I really need to sort out this shit with Torvus…

OH GODS!! I just thought of something.

*looks up* DON'T GET ANY IDEAS!!

What if the only way to re-tap back into that pain would be to lose the Blue Falcon?!

*still looking up* Don’t you dare! Don't take him away from me!

Figure out another way.

I'll quit the story before I lose him!

The Blue Falcon stays! At least until he's ready to move on with a wife and the mother of his children. I'll give him up when it's time and not a moment before. You hear me up there?!

*firm nod*

Fuck.

Fuck me.

Fuck fuck fuck fuckidy fuck.

I'm dead.

I’m so fucking dead.

***

Additional Note: - Valkyrie's office just called. She's going home sick today. So, there's no talking to her about the writers block and how it might be the result of the Blue Falcon.

GAH!!

FUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKK!!!!