Dating woes, indeed.

I was supposed to have a date yesterday, but it was someone I wasn't even remotely excited about, so I'm not upset that he blew me off. He's one of those guys that just doesn't seem that interesting on paper but I was giving the benefit of a doubt to anyway. This is the Blue Falcon's influence. I need to start giving out more chances and casting a wider net if I'm going to recruit more sweeties.

It's especially important now. If the Blue Falcon is going to get serious about dating and if I'm going to be serious about helping him. Then I better have more sweeties to keep me company. I need to be prepared for the harsh reality of losing the Blue Falcon before Bran has come back.

I do have another date tonight. This one does have me a little perky. But, I did my check-in with him yesterday and I've received no response, so I'm pretty sure this one is a no-go too. And that I'm a little bit bummed about.

In other good/bad news: Friday's long distance girlfriend is not going to work out. He says he's over it but I can tell he's hurt/upset. However, this has brought him back around to getting serious about meeting me in person again.

Just a quick reminder. Friday talks the best game of anyone who's ever talked a game at all. Based on his words, he's exactly what I need sexually. But, we'll have to see if that's what he's actually capable of in person.

And therein lies my dating woes…

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - / - Writing - Yesterday I was only able to process three more of Geminae's crits before I hit full on brain melt and ceased to function at all yesterday. I don't know what it is about reading critiques that takes so much out of me. I know that there was one massive suggestion for a change that will require engaging my creative brain for revision. I need to change a character entirely. He only shows up in half of one chapter, so it's no big thing! It's just that I have no reference for the change that I need to make in him. Right now he's a super nice guy and Geminae feels he would be better off as more of the 'Tough Love' type. I don't have the slightest bit of experience with tough love, so I don't know how to write it. This is going to take some doing. Hopefully I can pull it off.

So, I go into my day with all this spunk. I'm going to read some crits and then maybe get other writing related stuff done too… and the other stuff just never happens. I just burn right the fuck out.

*sigh*

Maybe that's okay.

Maybe it's better that I don't push it?

Yeah… I think it's way better that I don't push it.

 - Sleep / Fitbit - I keep dozing off while I'm supposed to be just winding down… so, that time just laying on the sofa with my horror movies is being counted as 'restful sleep' time… okay. I wish I knew why I was still feeling so tired then. I’m worried this is depression related. Sleeping too much?

Nevertheless: 11 hours 23 minutes, 4x awake, 19x restless, 54 minutes awake/restless.

I also never got up to eat dinner last night. I had a late lunch of ramen with an egg in it, and I nommed about half a chocolate bar, but when it came to actually getting up to get some dinner in me… I just couldn't move. So, I settled for eating two pieces of toast when I got up to actually go to bed.

I'm not sure this is a good thing.

I even hit the snooze for half an hour this morning because the bed just felt so inviting, and then when I got my coffee and sat in my chair, I just sat there doing nothing and thinking for half an hour.

I mean… What the fuck?

Where am I?

Where have I gone?

I can't keep my eyes open when watching movies… then I can't fall asleep… then I can't wake up…

I don't think I’m okay.

 - Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

It'll happen… I'll get back on top of this shit soon. I have the Blue Falcon waggling the mighty Jew finger at me. He's not going to let me wallow in my poor health for much longer.

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - We talked a little bit yesterday.

He'd been pulled into doing a 'family day' at the park with that screeching harpy and her abominations. And I know he couldn't have been too happy about that… but I was even less happy about it. Bad Ju Ju from my abandonment issues last year.

*sigh* fuck…

It is what it is… he's been 'daddy' for almost a year now… these kids have imprinted on him. Yes, I know he hates it and he'd rather be at home with me, but this was his fuck up. This was his mess and he's got to figure out how to clean it up.

This all comes down to the Karma-Fuck-Bomb that got dropped over a year ago. It's still not done with any of us. Even if I'm doing okay'ish without him… I'm sure there's more that I need to be doing in order to satisfy Karma's will.

I did note when the Blue Falcon was driving me back home the other day… there was this woman running and she had this really bouncy pony tail and I appreciated it. That's the first time in over a year that I've appreciated even the slightest thing about the female form. But, it's still movement, you know? I'm still nowhere near trusting anything with tits again. But I can look at a girl and think she's pretty again. So, that's something.

Edit:

I just got off the phone with Bran.

There's movement in the great north.

He's been shortlisted for a promotion.

This is both good and not quite as good.

Good: More money! Also, there are currently 12 open positions for that station in my area right now. So it greatly increases his chances of coming home. In fact, it would almost be a guarantee.

Not Quite as Good: The training time is 3 months, he would still be stuck up north with _her_ during that time. This would also extend him past my own lease renewal and possibly fuck up my housing when he comes back if we can't get him added to the lease.

This would also mean he's gone for more than a year total. Totally crushing my year and a day theory.

But, maybe this is what Karma intended?

Maybe the separation needed to lead up to this grand promotion for him?

Even I have to admit it will have been worth it.

*sigh*

I just hope I can hold onto at least one good sweetie that long.

Shut up, yes we all know I'm talking about the Blue Falcon.

Okay, enough about Bran.

Good and not so good… I'll still take it, though.

 - The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ If you're a reader and having trouble keeping the code named sweeties straight, look up above this entry and below the header. There's a link to a list of names/bio's there. - this is a work in progress, so if you're a sweetie and you don't see your name listed, don't worry, I'll get to you. ]

 - Recent Encounters - Nothing new to report.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - I'm spending the day with him on Thursday, helping with moving stuff…

*purr*

Blue Falcon time.

Naked snuggles are unlikely, but at least I can count on hugs.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - Heard from one of my one-timers just a little bit ago. He'd suddenly dropped off the map. I wasn't worried. He had a massive family emergency. I'm guessing I'll be seeing him again soon. This one is coming to me for healing, so it's really one-sided. I don't get much out of our time together.

 - The Hopefuls - Still hopeful that my date tonight will work out… but, we'll just have to see I guess.

 - Honorable Mentions - That one guy who stood me up keeps sniffing… *sigh* I don't know. Maybe I'm being too hard on him. I've forgiven everyone else who's ever stood me up, so why not him? What is it about this guy in particular that has me rubbed so wrong?

Or should I trust my instincts and never allow this guy to darken my doorstep at all?

Not sure.

I'll get back to you.

End Notes:

And therein lies my dating woes.

I'm not going to lie… I really just wish I had another guy like the Blue Falcon who was looking for something like me in the longer term.

The Blue Falcon wants a wife, and kids… he wants the American Dream of a perfect family. He wants to be a dad. I can't give him that, so it's my job to give him up to the woman that can.

I'll miss him, though.

I really just wish I had someone like him who wasn't quite so ready to move on to the nesting phase yet.

*sigh*

Dating woes, indeed.