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Trust me, this fucking kitten gets what she wants.

Over the course of my life, my history with women has been checkered at best. Soul-crushingly traumatic at worst.

I came to terms with bisexuality in my late teens, and I developed 'girl crushes' on through my 20's, but nothing really came of any of them.

About 20 years ago, there was my attempted Canadian Triad that was a galactic failure... I engaged in a little foreplay between myself and the other woman, but my inexperience and an awkward threesome... I'm not going to sully my current friendship with her and say that it didn't count. It's just that it was a really long time ago... and we were two very different people back then.

I think that even she'd agree that our attempt at polyamory was an unmitigated disaster. Somehow she and I managed to salvage a friendship out of that and I love the hell out of her... but, lovers... no. I don't think we ever were really that.

...

About 10-12 years ago, there was a woman that I'd regarded as my wife, for a time. Things between us were never right either. Between her extensive mental illnesses and the fact that the both of us were being abused by the same narcissist at the time... it was all manner if sketchy.

They'd had relations more than once which I later learned was absolutely rape because she had multiple personalities. He later admitted to the fact that he knew she was 'shifting' when he forced himself on her and just shrugged it off saying 'I figured she'd just come around, eventually and start to like it.'

Yes. He was that kind of FucknNugget.

He got her pregnant, and during the hormonal spike, she went kinda wildcat on me... coercing me into pleasuring her once. It wasn't to any sort of completion... and I didn't enjoy it.

I do really need to say that one didn't count. The situation was all abuse all around and it wasn't fair to me, or her.

...

This then brings us up to the events from two years ago.

I'm only going to give you the short short version.

There was a woman that I loved like a sister. I saved her life and the lives of her children. Her toddler and her unborn child. I opened my home to her and offered to share my life and the love of my life with her. She was my husband's other partner.

She thanked me for my kindness by using every manipulation she could to twist my husband against me. She forced him into a pattern of neglect during a time in my life where my own mental health was spiraling out of control and I needed his support. These abuses went on for months while I begged and begged him to help me, and she just snapped his leash even tighter every time he tried.

It effectively ended what had been that incarnation of my marriage.

Technically, Bran, my husband, and I are still together... but for the last two years he's been either emotionally distant or working far far away from me. Whatever traumas I'd endured, he'd endured his own. He’s still resolving his shit.

These events left me completely crippled when it came to women.

I swore I would never trust a woman ever again.

My PTSD was so profound that I regarded myself as heterosexual and denied all attraction to anything that even presented itself as female.

...

I've since come to peace with my husband's need to be away right now. He has my blessing and I know we will figure ‘us’ out when he's ready.

I've since come to peace with what happened between myself and that woman too. I've come to the understanding that she was also mentally ill and therefore not fully in control of what had happened. Perhaps, someday, after a lot of therapy and treatment, she may come to realize that she owes me an apology for destroying my marriage.

I've since come to peace with anything presenting as a woman. I've discovered that trans women especially don't trigger my PTSD, thus launching my new sexual identity as a Pansexual

... and...

I fell into the exceptionally sensual embrace of the sweetest, most gentle of kittens...

She took on this personal crusade to erase my PTSD...

She wanted to be my lover.

Trust me, this fucking kitten gets what she wants.

She's too fucking cute to allow anyone to deny her.

Mental Health / Self-Care:

- Therapy -  Unfortunately, Valkyrie had to call in sick yesterday... UGH, and I had so much to tell her too!! She'll call me sometime this week, though.

- Spoons -  With the day free... I did ALL the things!! I even baked a cake... I have cake... because there is cake!

- Writing -  I might have enough in me to get some profile pages written tonight... :)

- #YarnSlut -  I measured a thing... 9 inches is a thing... a thing is 9 inches... time to get on top of finishing the thing!

- Fur-babies -  Dreamy came to take his nap with me - and I had a guest at the time, so it was a little weird, lol. CatMom... fuck... I wish I could shut her the fuck up sometimes. And the touching... OMG... fucking stop already! Then she brought splotches over and he decided to hide instead of going home when Dreamy was ready... so I gave up and took my damn nap.

Next thing my sleepy self knows, there's a cat on top of me saying hello with claws... then he cuddled... but then I was awake... so... whatever.

 

Voltron:

  - Green Paladin: Nolan -  Okay, so in my last entry I was dead tired and I didn't give Nolan the attention that he deserved. So, this is my belated update on how my time with my Green Paladin as well as how game night went.  

I REMEMBERED THE WHITE CHOCOLATE POPCORN THIS TIME!!!

I got to Nolan's about 3 in the afternoon, and we took some time to chat and get caught up. Then we settled in for some Revenge. I was so happy when we got up to the episode where Nolan Ross was sent on his first solo mission and he accomplished it with an absolutely stunning seduction. I was just squee'ing my little head off because THAT is the kind of shit that's the reason Nolan got his name from me.

I love cuddling my Nolan when we watch Revenge together. Every time Nolan Ross does something awesome, I just squee and hold onto my Nolan even tighter.

We were barely in for another episode when two of the other game night players arrived. We locked down for a quick game of Betrayal. We were Just wrapping that one up when another player arrived (I think, you know how it all gets fuzzy after a bit.)

The parts of the night that I wasn't all snuggled up to my sweet Nolan are where my emotional memory kicks in and I lock onto Beast a little bit more.

He arrived and I gave him a hello hug. He knew I needed a tight one too. Then we set up for another game of Betrayal, this time using Beast's set. I actually like it when he becomes the bad guy because he's so much fun when he's killing everyone.

This game concluded with Beast taking on the role of a hangman, and we all had to beat him in our own personal game of 'Hangman'. He gave us a clue and told us our words were all X-Men characters. I got mine right away and then ended up helping several of the others figure theirs out. I felt so bad because I thought I was ruining Beast's game, but he told me not to worry about it and that it was fun for him.

He ended up murdering the fuck out of me. It was a blast.

I snuggled with my Nolan some more. :)

After that game we played a round of Sentinels... that one is taking me longer to get the hang of, but I think I did okay. Beast helped me find a character that I would enjoy playing and I’m definitely going to play her from now on so I can learn her deck. I even got to use her holy-nuke and wipe the board to save everyone once. It was AWESOME!!

Beast won the game for us.

He’s pretty amazing like that.

Then Beast and two of the other players left. Beast gave everyone hugs.

Because I had negotiated a ride home with the last remaining player, I was able to savor one more game of Betrayal and some more Nolan snuggles.

That game got weird.

There were only three of us, and when our other player turned bad guy, the game wound down to a chance that 'two other players could turn bad guy too'... and sure as shit, both Nolan and I turned bad guy... It was AMAZING! It was like the game suddenly got taken over by house Slytherin!

Nolan suggested that we just ignore that haunt and keep on playing, so we did.

Then it was sleepy time for Nolan, so my ride got me home safely... in time for me to make an update and get to sleep myself.

Lurves my Nolan!!

Oh! I almost forgot the best part!!

Nolan has been chatting with my Hannah-Cat... they are very likely to start some sort of a relationship soon. Nolan is completely smitten with her absolute cuteness and every time I showed him a picture of her, he'd clutch his precious chest and say 'My heart!'

IT WAS ADORABLE!!

And I LOVE how my Hannah-Cat is making my little PolyCule that much more incestuous.

Mentors:

  - BDSM-D/s: Drogo -  We chatted a little bit yesterday… I can’t go into much detail because I haven’t told you what happened with my Hannah-Cat, yet. However, I will give you a hint and tell you that Drogo told me I should hold myself in some high regard here.

Our little kitten isn’t as responsive with some people as she was with me.

  - Primal/Alpha: Iron -  I guess I shouldn't be surprised that my other Mentor is aware of Roland and has expressed his warnings as well. He made no judgments and left my choices up to me, but he also helped me define exactly what it is that I'm seeking with Roland. I'm very grateful for this, of course.

Iron is proving that his role as my Primal Mentor is exactly where he needs to be in my life, and I love the fuck out of him for it.

Then, yesterday morning, Iron tapped in while I was getting naked cuddles and he asked me who I was cuddling with. I sent him this wickedly cute pic of me and Hannah-Cat.

Iron asked me if she was my girl-cub and that's about the time she swiped my phone. Iron got treated to several very hot pics of our time together as we kept him all sorts of entertained.

Heh, he did warn my little kitten, though. Wolves hunt in packs.

It was SO awesome to see them flirting and it would be wicked hot to get together with the both of them sometime.

Iron has expressed interest in this as well... turns out we'd given him all sorts of naughty thoughts during our play time.

I love her so much.

She's seducing my whole PolyCule.

This morning, Iron and I chatted some more and he's expressed a strong interest in seeing me for a one-on-one soon as well...

Ahh!

Fucking hell!

So. Much. Squee.

I love this Wolf so fucking much... and I want him so hard. So, that mutual desire just drives me absolutely fucking wild.

(want want want want want want...)

Cougar/cubs:

  - Hannah-Cat -  Oh... my fucking godz... how can I even... ?

She messaged me early in the morning and sorted out grabbing breakfast for the both of us. I was on my third cup of coffee just as she was arriving. My tummy was still unable to process food, but Hannah-Cat ate a healthy breakfast, I was very happy for her.

Next thing I knew, she was just in my arms and I was holding her so close. (warm sigh) She and I both needed that... like, a lot a lot... she's been going through some stuff and had felt a bit of a disconnect between us... I don't know if I'd felt her pull away, but I know that I’d missed her terribly.

Just feeling her heartbeat next to mine again... wow...

And then, these gentle kisses. I love how soft and sweet she is.

That shirt of hers had way too many buttons done up... and I couldn't get my fingernails onto her soft soft skin... so those buttons had to go... one by one, slowly revealing her exquisitely perfect breasts.

OOPS! Her shirt came off... lol.

So did mine.

Some skin-on-skin cuddles and then it was all about my claws working their way across her skin. All along her back, her sides... she slipped her way out of her second skin, baring her flesh down to the knees. I know how much my girl's butt cheeks crave claw attention.

OOPS! Her pants came off too... lol.

So did mine.

She squirmed and twisted around, allowing my claws to reach more of her skin...

I knew I needed to explore her pussy... so my claws found her sensitive flesh there too.

I found her clit and started to rub it gently, keeping it moist by dipping my finger into the juicy nectar between her pussy lips.

Then she asked me if I was ready to go down on her... she reassured my anxieties and I positioned her higher up on the pillows to give myself more room on the bed between her sweet thighs.

She tasted clean, and sweet... just a little tangy.

I found her clit with my mouth and began working it with my tongue, suckling it and licking it. She was making sounds of pleasure, but I knew it wasn't enough. She needed more stimulation than that.

I was so nervous about this next part because I've been keeping my fingernails long to pleasure her claw-to-skin fetish... so I wanted to be as careful as possible about not scraping or scratching her as I slid my middle finger inside her wet core and found her g-spot...

... or at least I hope it was her g-spot...

... this is all a little blurry...

I gained more responsiveness from penetration, though... so I slid another finger inside her and from there she took over, directing me to fuck her pussy harder while my mouth worked her cute little clit.

She came hard.

I'm so fucking amazed at myself right now.

With her help, I've overcome so much.

From there it was even more pic sharing and flirting. We turned both Iron and Drogo on, saving some pics for Nolan too.

She had an appointment to get to, so I had to let her go.

It was so incredible, though...

I'm still in floaty headspace.

  - AlphaCub -  I'm so excited to see him tomorrow!!

I'm anxious to see what he has in store for me now that he's taken on the wolf as well...

I'm well aware that he might not be a natural wolf, so the energy might not feel the same as it would with someone who is soul bound to the true wolf within. I'm just so flattered that he's putting in the so much effort to pleasure me the way that I need to be pleasured. He deserves a lot of credit as an amazing lover for that.

I hope he fucks me harder than he did last time.

I got the sense that he was holding back.

He doesn't need to hold back.

He won’t break me.

I’m nigh unbreakable.

Cuddles [TCN =Temporary Code Name]

 - People -

     - Roland - I'm very saddened to report that Roland has, indeed, canceled on our plans to cuddle today.

I mean, it's okay, he's sick and he needs to rest and recuperate. I just really wanted to see him.

I have him double booked for both Tuesday and Wednesday next week because I'm not sure what his schedule looks like and I didn't want anyone swiping his day before he had a chance to claim it.

We have time.

I plan to enjoy Roland for as long as he will have me.

 - Undeclared -

     - no code name - I had a second cuddle date scheduled for yesterday too. He's a transplant from another country and has no one here. No family and he doesn't seem to be close to anyone.

I had very mixed feelings going into this one. I knew that in the relationship sense, he's not anything close to what I need. However, I still felt compelled to cuddle this lonely boy.

I opted in favor of cuddling the lonely boy.

He arrived on time.

It was his first time on a cuddle date, so I went easy on him.

I explained the hello hug...

I explained the sitting in my bed and talking until he was ready to get close. He told me he was ready.

I explained about skin-on-skin contact and he asked if we could take our shirts off, that's when I put him in little spoon and he soaked it up.

It wasn't long before he asked if we could be completely naked, and I agreed... and then I saw how hard he was. He muttered something at me and I could tell that he was in desperate need of sexual attention...

It was at that moment that I knew why I'd felt so compelled to cuddle him. I had been called into Temple Virgin service. I was only too happy to comply, stroking him and pleasuring him as much as I could.

I explained my safe sex protocol and he complied.

Sex was gentle, and awkward, of course... what else would it have been?

Then he naked little spooned into my arms again and fell asleep until his phone vibrated... then he made a fairly speedy, but polite exit.

I checked the clock and he'd only been with me for about 80 minutes... lol...

I got on with my evening as planned.

I'm pretty sure I won't see him again.

Potential(s) [TCN =Temporary Code Name]

 - Ash - MUCH to my surprise, she tapped in yesterday... asking my opinion on some new outfits and clothing items of hers. I gave her my answers while filling in some very flattering words.

That's when she told me that she still really wants to meet up.

My heart just about burst.

As is the entire reason that I love the fuck out of GenderFluid individuals in particular. I've never given up on wanting to find someone like her after she disappeared on me.

She told me she's back... and she wants to be close to me.

Oh... so much love.

We're setting up a time to meet!!

Voices: [It’s been a really long time since I’ve had to do this, but I realized that I’m dissociating again. So, there are five other personalities in my head, and they all might have something to say.]

- Healer:Anne - It's obvious that Anne was the one pushing me forward when it came to my second cuddle date yesterday... but for the life of me, I'm not sure which of my voices was resisting her on that one. I don't know if it's me or one of my alters that are demanding aggressive lovers, but I'm glad that Anne pushed me forward.

The Virgin was needed.

Thank you, Anne.

End Notes:

Tonight I’ll be taking a ‘me night’, unless I can talk one of my other cuddlers into switching his Sunday to tonight… which would free up my Sunday… which Ash would gladly claim…

Um… yeah…

Solo-Poly less than two months…

Usually booked solid for dates a week to two weeks out.

Fucking hell. I LOVE MY LIFE!