Matrix Trilogy - That's how we're doing New Years...

So, I'm supposed to write a bunch of drivel about how much I learned in 2017 and how much I'm looking forward to positive changes in 2018.

Yeah...  

Fuck that noise.

The last two years of my life have been hell and the only thing I really learned was how to never trust women ever again.  

I let someone into my sphere.  

I welcomed her, cared for her, even loved her. I opened my home to her and offered to share my life and the love of my life with her.

Then she thanked me with a drawer full of knives in my back as she used every bit of leverage she had to turn my beloved against me.

She very nearly destroyed my marriage.

Fucking cunt.

--

Things are in a state of recovery and repair now, and that's what I can look forward to in 2018... I can hope that I'm able to rebuild my relationship with Bran...

But, that will never take away the sting of how much he was forced to hurt me.

Fuck you 2017 AND 2016!!

I survived you, and I could again.

I'm watching you 2018... Fucking behave or I'll wipe the floor with you too.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Therapy – Now, don't let the above fool you. I'm actually in a pretty good place today. But, the truth is, it's any other day. The only thing special about it is that I get to spend the day watching more Anime and Supernatural with the Unicorn. We're almost done with Season Two of Supernatural and we've pulverized three Anime's during her staycation. That's some quality couch potato'ing!! Right now the Anime is Ajin – Demi-Humans. It's dark, but good.

She goes home sometime tomorrow.

I'm going to miss her.

- Writing – Still on hold – I'm not sure I'm as close to done with Misha's Infinity Scarf as I thought I was... I'm thinking I’m going to have to add another two tiers of rectangles to make it just a bit thicker before I'm ready to close it off... It means more work and more cramped hands, yes. And I'm getting bored with this yarn, yes... but I want to finish this so I can move on to my Dark/Spiritual leg warmers for me. :)

Should I add Yarn Therapy as its own separate category?

I’m thinking I should.

- Reading – Nothing new to report.

- Sleep / Fitbit – 6 hours 54 minutes, 7x awake, 21x restless, 71 minutes awake/restless - I can DEFINITELY tell the difference between a night with Bran next to me and a night without him.  

When he's there, I still have water in my bottle when I wake up in the morning.

When he's not there, I get up at least once, sometimes twice during the night to refill my water, use the bathroom and sometimes grab a snack.

Last night I sneaked into Bran's roast beef again. I had a lovely little half sandwich with a bit of mayonnaise. It was tasty! I want more, but that's supposed to be Bran's food. I shouldn't dip into it... but it was so irresistible.  

- Fur-babies – I don't know what the fuck is up, but this must be a very dark and lonely time of year for Catmom because she's been DRUNK OFF HER ASS every time I've seen her. Yesterday it wasn't even 2:30 in the afternoon yet. And it's all beer too!! None of the hard stuff. I can't even imagine how costly it is to stay that fucking drunk!

Anyway, despite me telling her yesterday afternoon that the Unicorn and I were going to be gone yesterday evening, she still called to see if we were home. Thus, interrupting movie night.

Ugh...

She needs to get her shit under control.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

I've been sore lately... and I haven't even done anything to deserve it.  :(

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – He hasn't even called or texted to check in...  

- The Unicorn – She had a good time at Movie Night even though the movie was pretty old school. 1958!! It was still a good movie. The best part though was that one of the Blue Falcon's cats was very snuggly and sleepy between us... more focused on me, though. So, the Blue Falcon told her/us that the cat is very amiable to being picked up and moved, so I just had the Unicorn scoop her up and bring kitty to her side. Cat just settled right back down and curled up into a nice, sleepy cuddle with her. It was very sweet!!

After the movie, the Blue Falcon set her up with the most complicated fucking controls on a space flight simulator that uses TWO joysticks and like a thousand buttons. But, she surprised me by actually doing pretty well under his instruction.

Ye mother fucking Gods, he's going to be a great dad someday.

I hope that day is very soon.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Updates on Favorites -  

- Blue Falcon – I love him so much.  

The movie last night was really good. We watched Auntie Mame. Only one other person joined us.

I’m missing the intimacy with him.  

I hope I can get some naked cuddle time with him soon. I would like to spend some quality Sweetie time with him before It's too late and he's no longer available.

- Sweeties -

Nothing new to report.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

 - Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

Nothing new to report.

End Notes:  

Even though the Unicorn and I are so close to closing out Season Two of Supernatural, I'm going to have her watch the Matrix Trilogy today.  :)

That's how we're doing New Years.

Ugh... we'll get there, I'm sure...

I'm going to go ahead and admit that I kinda like letting the place go to shit while the Unicorn is here on her staycations. While, yes, I know it only makes more cleaning up for me later, it's nice to just take days off and focus only on the Yarn Therapy.

Granted, I do hurt all the way up to the backs of my shoulder blades. A combination of too much knitting and not enough Paleo. I really wish I could afford to eat a more anti-inflammatory diet, but for the time being it just isn't in the works.

Soon'ish, though... I think.

Though, if we have the spare cash to buy better food, we should be using that to repay the Blue Falcon for his kindness. So, that’s got to come first.

Ugh... we'll get there, I'm sure.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Therapy – I'm feeling a mix of fear of abandonment and anxiety today. These emotions are Bran related, so I'll explain in his section below. The feelings aren't too overwhelming. I seem to be keeping them in check, but they're still there. It's enough for them to annoy the crap out of me.  :/

- Writing – Still on hold – But I should be done with this infinity scarf tomorrow'ish. I'm pretty sure of it.

- Reading – Still in an iffy place with this Druid book – not sure how I feel about misogynistic vampire rapists with a pregnancy fetish.

- Sleep / Fitbit – 6 hours 11 minutes, 2x awake, 12x restless, 28 minutes awake/restless - I actually forgot to set my sleep mode last night (I think) - and also, the Fitbit is recording that I got up around 9AM when I know I went back down for another REM cycle and got up closer to 11... weird.

- Fur-babies – Catmom was in her cups again last night... *le sigh* So, we got both Dreamy and Splotches for a few hours. Naturally Splotches didn't actually want to be here, so that caused a lot of yowling that made it harder for Dreamy to go down for his nap, but the Unicorn took care of it. She made her own cat toys with chop sticks and yarn, so she kept Splotches entertained and Dreamy was able to take a short Nap before he was aroused by Potato chips and then he didn't want to be here anymore either. I think he must have wanted either water or a litter box... not really sure.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

Pffft!

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – So... yeah... he spent the night 'not here' last night.  

In fact, he intends to be gone the whole weekend.

The story goes that there is a tangential buddy who finds surviving the holiday season more than a little rough, so Bran and a bunch of his buddies are gathering for depression intervention.

That's the story... anyway.

But, he could be anywhere.

He could be with her.

And there's no way for me to know for sure where he really is, or what he's really doing. He hasn't even called to check in.

Keep in mind, I know I can survive without him, so it's not going to destroy me if he's scouting out other options to decide whether or not we're done.

It's just that it would still suck, of course.

- The Unicorn – We both need to shower today... bleh... neither of us want to.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Updates on Favorites -  

- Blue Falcon – MOVIE NIGHT!!!

- Sweeties -

Nothing new to report.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

 - Pathfinder – I woke up to a quick 'I miss you' from him this morning.  

Awwww.  :)

Relationships / Just Friends:

Nothing new to report.

End Notes:  

I’m going to wrap this up before the day gets away from us.

Ugh. Knitting is murder...

Coffee and Contemplation with a side of Yarn Therapy got cut short this day (I was going to say morning, but it's already 1:30) - The Unicorn woke up when I was only ¼ of the way into episode one of the new Black Mirror.

She got treated to an Earl Grey breakfast with a side of Cinnamon Sugar Doughnut. :)

It's going to be a good day.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Therapy – I’m feeling less annoyed about the residue from the Screeching Harpy days today.  

The truth is that abuse went on for months... close to a year and more when you add Bran's absence on top of it... not to mention the 'still lingering' complicatedness of the whole fucking deal.

The point is... it took a long ass time to get better, and to be honest, It's not really over yet. So, it's no wonder that I'm not healing.

I need to forgive myself for that.

- Writing – Still on hold – My hands were already cramping when I picked up the knitting needles this day... ugh... I'm not sure how much longer I can keep devoting so much time to the yarn.

- Reading – I read a little bit more of this Druid book last night. To be honest, I'm not impressed. I'm not triggered or turned off by the shock value of the 'rape' scenes. I see what the author was trying to do with them. But I'm a little weirded out by the Alpha Vampires attitudes towards humans and the heroine. Not only are they all rapists too, but the intent is to rape her pregnant and force her to breed with them.

Meh...  

Not sure how long I'm going to hold out with this one.  

- Sleep / Fitbit – 6 hours 11 minutes, 2x awake, 12x restless, 28 minutes awake/restless - Fuck, no wonder I’m so tired.

- Fur-babies – There was a visit from Dreamy last night, but for some reason I can't remember any details. I think I'm just too tired. Meh...

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Blood Sugar – Crap. I checked it this morning. But I neglected to save the reading.  (grrr)  I think it was like 139 or something. Which isn't perfect, but it's still better than what it was.  

 

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – It's really hard to say what gets him in the mood, but Mo made himself known this morning. He got some strokes and kisses. Then Bran kept looking down at me all expectantly so I felt obligated to follow up with a little oral play. This, of course, led to Bran asking for my pants to be removed.

He's not lasting very long these days. The byproduct of not having a lot of sex. He's just out of practice and I can tell that upsets him. He hates it that his stamina just isn't there, but what am I supposed to do. I make myself available. It's not my fault if he never takes the bait.  

He keeps saying we should have sex more, but then we never have sex more. And I know he's stressed out about something, but he's not talking to me about it, so I have no clue what the fuck it is.

It's still okay, though...  

The love is totally there. The sex doesn't have to be for us to know that the love is there. And I gave him a kiss while I was getting coffee and I thanked him for morning Mo.

I will always be grateful for the intimacy between us.

- The Unicorn – We're both tired... it's going to be a bit before either of us wake the fuck up.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Updates on Favorites -  

- Blue Falcon – Movie night tomorrow. The Unicorn gets to come along too!!

- Sweeties -

Nothing new to report.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

 - Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

Nothing new to report.

End Notes:  

My hands hurt all the way up to the backs of my shoulder blades.

Ugh. Knitting is murder.