I'm pretty sure we're okay...

Last night was the first time I yelled at Bran since he's been back.

I mean, merry fucking Christmas.

Kill me now.

It was stupid too.

He was downloading some stuff and dozed off while I was also dozing off waiting for him to give me the go-ahead to take my meds and go to sleep for real. And then I woke up from a dream and lost my shit completely.

It's just that the meds are kind of a serious thing. I do need to take them for my health and wellbeing. I'm supposed to take them on more of a schedule than I already am, but Bran's sleepy-bye time is unpredictable, so I just make do and figure that as long as I take them, I'm good.

But, missing the doses entirely?

Yeah, that's bad.

But, yelling at him and slamming things around?

Yeah, that’s worse.

Once I was medicated and the room was dark with my fan going in the background for white noise, I started to calm down... and I reached out for him. I didn't want either of us to go to sleep upset. So I apologized for yelling and he reached back and touched me.

We talked about it a little this morning and I apologized again. I told him it was just the meds thing that got me upset and he reasoned that since I was asleep he thought I'd already taken them. He had dozed off while he was downloading something.

We've hashed it all out now. I understand where/why/when he made his mistake and all is forgiven. He doesn't seem too upset with me for yelling at him either.

I think we're okay.

I'm pretty sure we're okay.

I just hope it doesn't happen again.  

Also, I can be more vigilant over when he's downloading something near sleepy-bye time.  

It's all about the compromise, right?

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Therapy – Back when all the dark shit was happening with the Screeching Harpy, there was this 'Happy place' that I used to go to in my mind. I went to visit the Dragon a lot. He meant a lot to me back then. I kind of feel like I'm over him now. Like I don't plan on letting things get so bad that I need his special powers anymore. Besides, I don't think he was ever really all that interested in me anyway. I sorta feel like he was just touching base once in a while to keep me hanging on so that he had me in his back pocket if he ever needed to get laid.  

*shrug* I don't know... I just feel done with him and I'm pretty sure he feels the same about me. Since I told him Bran is back, I think he's given up on me too. -- whatever – I'm moving on.

Anway...

The reason I bring it up is that I'm now very aware that I've become Friday's 'Happy Place' and that he really needs me, a lot.  

This has me thinking about him a lot now too. Not exactly full-blown 'Happy Place' for me, but definitely a 'Comfort Zone' of knowing that someone aggressive wants me the way I need to be wanted.  

It's just a really delicious place to be and I love indulging in it.

- Writing – Okay... so the sleep thing is mostly regulated out... I've got it on my calendar to start fucking writing again. Even if it's just crap Ghost Stories. I've got to do SOMETHING. I'm not sure I'm at a level where I can write sex scenes, which is where The Real You cut off – but maybe I can just skip it and finish the relationship end with the intent to return to the sex at a later date and time? - Or is that just a cop-out? Ugh... hard to say... but I'm overdue for the writing and I know it... I need to do something.

One thing I MUST NOT DO is time myself!! - With Bran home and interruptions likely, timing the writing is just asking for a meltdown and I don't want that.

Now, the other thing is when/how will I ever get back to working on Torvus?

I really don't know if that's going to happen – but I know it needs to.

*sigh*

Not forcing things is one thing.

Being lazy and just quitting is another.

- Reading – Still nothing new.

- Sleep / Fitbit – 6 hours 57 minutes, 0x awake, 7x restless, 28 min awake/restless - this is of course augmented by the fact that I knew I slept/dozed for about 2 hours before taking meds and going down for actual sleep, so I set the alarm for only six hours instead of 8, and then there were morning sleepy-cuddles, so I was down for a little bit longer before I could get out of bed.

- Fur-babies – LOL – last night I was doing Movie Night with the Blue Falcon when Catmom called, so I let her know that I wasn't home, but that Bran was. I told her to just knock really loud and Bran would love the company. - When I got home he scolded me for not giving him a warning that he was going to have a furry visitor. I told him there was no time to give him a warning... it was amusing. It sounds like Dreamy took a good nap and got some of Bran's hot dog too. It's good that they had some bonding time.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Exercise/Yoga - The Blue Falcon has been working out twice a day, to the point of injury (I think). He's definitely sore all the time... but it makes me feel guilty that I’m not doing more... I just feel like there's so little that I actually CAN do... it's really disappointing.

I wish I had a gym membership so I could exercise on a machine that would give me a better, more stable workout.

*sadface*

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – Right after the Blue Falcon dropped me off, Bran and I went on a shopping trip. I guess in a way you could consider it Christmas shopping. I've been in dire need of new sox for a while now and he found me 4 pairs of really nice knee-highs. They're good quality, but they're made for women with shorter/skinnier calves than me. They still work, though.

After that, Bran went on a pointless quest for fast food. Nothing was open. So, he dropped me off at home and went on a trip to come back with surprises for me. He came back with Chewy Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookies and Bryer's vanilla ice cream.  

The cookies got broken into... the ice cream I'm saving for when the Unicorn comes back for the second half of her staycation.

Then Bran browsed around on games and found something that was a really good deal... I mean like _really good_ and I knew it was a game he wanted/needed - and it was in my price range, so I just told him that I'd forego my haircut for a couple more months and he could say it came out of my money.

So, yeah... in a way we got each other Christmas gifts.  

Nothing too special. Socks and a game. But we both would make good use of.

Tonight Bran and I are doing our traditional Order Chinese and watch Netflix thing. We're going to watch Bright.  :)  -  So good!!!

I’m so glad he's home!!

- The Unicorn – She comes back tomorrow night and stays until the day after new years.  :)

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Updates on Favorites -  

- Blue Falcon – Movie Night was great. Not a lot of attendees, but the Blue Falcon and I had a good time. For some reason, he felt the need to explain to me the Jewish tradition of ordering Chinese, even though I've told him that's the tradition for Bran and me too. So last night he ordered us some Spicy Edamame, Szechuan Chicken, and Beef Egg Foo Young.  

The Edamame wasn't great, all the spicy sauce did was make the hulls to slippery pop the beans out of. But the rest of it... OMG... I liked the Egg Foo Young the best. This place stacked theirs like pancakes and put the gravy in a separate container. I think I'm going to get Egg Foo Young again when Bran and I order our dinner tonight.  

I did get a chance to tell the Blue Falcon that Bran has no issue with him and that he could rip my clothes off at any time and Bran would be fine. He said he wouldn't last night because he was sore and I had to backpedal a little and tell him it wasn't a suggestion, I was just making Bran's comfort level known.

I DO hope that the Blue Falcon and I can resume our intimacy... I know his workout schedule might make that really hard... he's so sore all the time, but I do hope for it. I really miss being naked with him.

Maybe we could at least cuddle sometime...  

That would be awesome.

- Sweeties -

Bear has sent me some happy holiday goodness and I've sent some to Friday as well... it's good to know that everyone is thinking about each other.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

 - Pathfinder – Yup, got a happy holidays note from Pathfinder too. :)

Relationships / Just Friends:

I'm sure Jasper is doing amazing. He should have popped the question by now. :)

End Notes:  

It's a good day.

Bran is playing his new game next to me right now and I have some knitting I need to get to... as usual I seem to have fucked up the transition out of entrelac and I'm trying to suss out how I'm going to still make these legwarmers pretty for Misha.

It's going to take some work... but I hope I can make it happen.