… pain and motivation don't mix.

So, I pretty much feel like I'm totally fucked.

I'm in this knockdown, drag out, dammed if I do, dammed if I don't, double edged sword situation.

And it sucks.

The Blue Falcon was successful in shaming me to start exercising again. He's done this before and I was able to keep up with it for a little while and now I'm in that honeymoon stage of exercise again before I eventually give the fuck up on it... again.

Now, I strongly believe that part of the problem before is that the depression was just so massive that I couldn't stay motivated. I promised myself and everyone else that once Bran came home and the depression finally let up, I would try exercising again.

K, so, he's home and I've entered into the 'no more excuses' territory.

So, I went for it.

I found this great Seated Cardio work out on YouTube, and it's really wonderful...

… except for one small... little... tiny... eensy weensy... itty bitty problem.

*head desk*

The exercise seems to trigger my inflammation.

FUCK!!

That's right!

Head to toe, aching, throbbing, can't get away from it pain.  

No amount of 'post work out' treatment can help. This isn't work out stress. It's inflammation, pure and simple.

Also, I looked it up, and there's no such thing as a doctor that treats this kind of issue. All I have is the helpful advice of my chiropractor. Half of which I can't follow because I can't afford it.

So, there it is.

How the FUCK do I stay motivated to keep doing something healthy when it causes me immense pain for the whole rest of my day?!?!?

Face it...  

… pain and motivation don't mix.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Therapy – In other news, according to my Facebook Memories, it was a year ago, exactly, that I came out of hiding and started posting publicly again. I'd been silent since June, when things got really... really bad.

I've been keeping an eye on this... my Facebook Memories... sort of tracking it, waiting for the shit to dredge up. Waiting for the anniversaries to appear.

When was I still under the illusion that everything was okay?

When did I start to realize that it wasn't?

When did I figure out that things were bad?

When did I become aware of them becoming worse?

When did I come to understand that I'd been betrayed, and that some things were never, ever going to be okay ever again?

If I track how long it took for all the injuries to happen... maybe I can gain some idea on how long it will take to really, fully heal them?

I don't know...

I really don't know.

It's going to take some time to figure this shit out.

- Writing – Still on hold – Knitting is coming along nicely... Misha's other leg warmer got a lot of work done on it yesterday. Both my arms and my hands are really sore today.

- Reading – I finished the shifter series last night. Both the endings were totally predictable, I called both of them back in book two... so, my final review is only going to get 4 stars again. It was still an entertaining read, though. I'm hopeful that the next series I pick up will be as compelling.

I'm not sure, but I think I like ALIENS in the Paranormal Romance genre. The last series that I found this compelling, it was alien Vampires... this time it was alien (to us anyway) Werewolves.  

I think I just like the fresh take on the stories being set in the age of space travel rather than dealing with ancient, musty, crusty, spider web infested, old curses.  

I won't know for sure until I really get into another series. If it's aliens again, then it's a pattern.

- Sleep / Fitbit – 6 hours 23 minutes, 3x awake, 11x restless, 43 minutes awake/restless - got to bed pretty late last night because Bran was pretty interested in some gaming. No big deal... hopefully I get to take a nap later.

- Fur-babies – Lovely visit from Dreamy last night. He didn’t take his nap, but he did hang out for a bit.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Inflammation – I really need to be eating Paleo again... if I'm going to keep up with the exercise, I need to keep up with the better diet too. Gods, this sucks.

- Exercise/Yoga - The worst part about knowing that the exercise is triggering the pain is realizing that there's no doctor that can help me with suggestions on how to make it better. The only thing I can do is adjust my diet, and I still can't afford to do that, yet.

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – He does all these little things that show so much love. Yesterday I couldn't finish my coffee because my milk had gone bad, and tomorrow I intend to make chicken noodle soup for the Unicorn again, so I needed one last, fresh, ingredient to make that happen. So, I literally sent Bran on a 'Milk Run' and asked him to pick up the yellow onion while he was at it.

That's it... just a half gallon of whole milk and one stinking onion. And he went out and did it.

That is love.

The other thing is the hugs...

He's occupied a lot, but every once in a while he can get away for a few minutes. During those rare, brief moments, he always comes to give me a hug.

He needs me.

He needs my touch.

He needs the reassurance that I'm there just as much as I need the reassurance that he's there.

It's a good thing.

- The Unicorn – I’m really looking forward to seeing her tonight. I have her winter holiday gift.

However, I'm REALLY disappointed with the gift!

I was expecting it to be much larger. I wanted it to be big enough for her to cuddle at night and I'm not sure that it is. I know she'll love it anyway... but I just really wish it was bigger.

I got her a plush Cthulhu.

I figured 'who better than the Elder God of insanity and nightmares to guard her dreams at night?'

Bran says I have serious issues.

He's probably right about that.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Updates on Favorites -  

- Blue Falcon – I've been really worried about how little he's been communicating lately. I've been worried that I've offended him or done something else wrong. But, then I checked last night to see if he had the Unicorn's winter holiday gift, and he did. I have stuff shipped to him because things get stolen if I have them shipped to me.

I was trying to get Bran to drive me out to the Blue Falcon's to pick it up, but Bran was being a pain in the ass about it. And then the Blue Falcon just saved the day by driving totally out of his way in the dark of night to bring the gift to me.

He even came up to say hi to Bran (who is not insecure about the Blue Falcon at all, by the way – we talked about that).

So, as much as I tried to talk myself down and realize that there was nothing wrong with the Blue Falcon, I was still worried.

And then, as usual, he proved that my worries were completely unfounded.

This is a good thing.

- Sweeties -

- Bear – He still REALLY misses me. To the point where I'm actually quite worried about him. I did mention this to Bran and Bran told me that once he has acquired some additional equipment, he'll be taking a weekend day here and there to practice with it. He suggested that I arrange to spend the day with Bear on those days.

Bran is super sweet about this.

Bear appreciates this, truly.  

I'm looking forward to being there for Bear. I don't need him to be there for me, but I know he deserves to have me there for him.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

 - Pathfinder – Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

Nothing new to report.

End Notes:  

Ugh... getting closer and closer to work out time...

Bleh.