There are small handprints on the screen of the big TV that now resides in my bedroom. Both the Unicorn and I have noticed this, and we both hate them for the same reason. They are a harsh reminder of what the agony of the last year has been like for both of us.
The worst part for her wasn't what she missed. It was knowing that I was in pain and there was nothing she could do to stop it.
I'm not going to lie, I want my revenge.
I know it's only natural.
And I trust Apophis to help me with this. I just wish I could see it happening. I want to watch that Screeching Harpy break. I want her to realize this all could have been avoided if she hadn't been so selfish, to begin with. If she just would have been an adult about things, this all could have gone completely differently.
Her own fucking fault...
But, here I sit, looking at handprints because I don't have any screen wipes. It's a reminder. It's the oily residue of the poison that almost killed me.
I can take this one of two ways.
I can look at those handprints and burn with the fury that there was so much pain inflicted upon me for no good reason. I can wallow in my hurt and let it continue to rule me.
Or...
I can look at those handprints and realize that this is something that I've finally put behind me.
I’m looking at handprints...
… and I’m realizing that I was the strongest one out of all of us all along.
Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:
- Therapy – I like things the best when Bran cuddles. When he cuddles, I find myself questioning him less. But, the truth is, I'm still having my panic attacks. Every time he goes out to run an errand, I wonder who he's calling. I wonder who he's talking to while he's planning on a life to be lived without me by his side.
I don't know how long I'll be afflicted by these trust and abandonment issues...
They make me uncomfortable.
It's not that I believe (logically) that I should trust him again already. That would be stupid. Trust was severely broken and it's going to take time to resolve those issues. That's not the logic vs. emotion barrier that irks me right now.
It's that logically I've survived the last year+ without him, and if I had to I could do it again.
It's the fact that I keep panicking and not trusting ME that bothers me.
- Writing – I honestly have no idea how this is going to pan out next week. I’m still adjusting to the sleep disruption and I'm not sure where that's going to leave me creatively speaking. I promise I'll try, though.
- Reading – Still pretty MEH! The Handmaid's Tale is still not grabbing me and the other book; Vicious Depths probably won't survive the 5-Chapter rule... I just have no tolerance for boring writing anymore. Not when I have so many books to choose from.
- Sleep / Fitbit – 7 hours 39 minutes, 11x awake, 11x restless, 30 minutes awake/restless - so, really not a bad night at all. I am perking up with coffee... I think it's just the going to bed at inconsistent times that's fucking me up.
- Fur-babies – No cat therapy yet today, but the day is still pretty early yet.
Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:
Nothing new to report.
Relationships / Family:
- Bran – He's quietly sleeping in right next to me right now. That's why I’m typing this on November, my chrome book. She has less functionality than Victor, my laptop, but she has quieter keys. So, I’m getting through the bulk of the entry process here and then I'll switch over to Victor for the posting.
Not much else is really going on with Bran.
He works... he runs errands... he gives kisses... he says 'I love you' back...
I don't know what's in his head.
I can't tell if he's happy.
I don't know if he has what he needs from me.
I don't know if we're okay, according to him.
*sigh*
I hope we're able to make it into the couples therapy soon.
Then, when I came home, it was time for us to do our Friday thing and get back to our shows.
On Voltron, we've made it up to the introduction of Prince Lotor. I practically had to fan myself because he's just as hot as ever. I had to explain to her that I had a huge crush on him when I was a girl younger than her.
On Angel, we've made it up to the appearance of Illyria. The Unicorn saw her emerge, but that was it. It was past bedtime! So, we won't get further into Illyria's personality until tomorrow. That should be entertaining.
I did ask the Unicorn if she knows what a Smurf is. I didn't tell her WHY, but the question alone (just as the sarcophagus arrived) had the Unicorn howling with laughter!! She knows something funny and 'blue' related is going to happen eventually... she's a smart girl, LOL.
Relationships / Sweeties:
- Updates on Favorites -
- Blue Falcon – I haven't heard from him so that probably means he has other plans today instead of our photo shoot.
I’m okay with this.
I simply have zero desire to take a shower.
- Sweeties -
Nothing new to report.
- AmbiguSweeties -
- Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.
Relationships / Just Friends:
Nothing new to report.
End Notes:
I gotta go!!
The Unicorn is awake and that means I need to surrender November to her so she can Anime while we wait for Bran to wake up.
Take care, everyone!
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