No bells and whistles.

I actually caught myself sending warm thoughts in Bear's direction quite a bit yesterday, despite the fact that he didn't check in.

I’m okay with the fact that he didn't check in, I was aware that he had plans and I guessed it was either friends or family that were keeping him busy. I know how important family is to him. So, I'm really not worried. I know how he feels about me.

I'm just weirding myself out by starting to reciprocate some of that emotion.

I guess I'm just so grateful for the way he took care of me two nights ago. He was really there for me in the exact way that I needed someone to be. He held me. He cared about me. He touched me.

I never needed the succubus to seduce him and it never needed to be sexual just for him to be in physical contact with me. He was happy to just be with me. No bells and whistles.

It felt good.

Really good.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - I’m solidly blaming Bear for the fact that I felt better for all of yesterday. I even smiled a bit. There was no gut-wrenching pain over missing Bran and needing to be touched. I was fed and I was satisfied. So far I still seem to be well fed today too, but I think I should try to get Bear over here again sooner rather than later. No sense letting myself waste away to hungry and hurting again. Not when someone like him is so ready and willing to give me what I need.

So, that's where I am with the depression right now.

It's still THERE. It's still awful. It's still excruciating. But Bear gave me the strength I needed to ignore it a little better for awhile.

 - Writing - Still on hold.

 - Reading - I got to bed at 2 am the night before last, so I was pretty wiped out and nap needy yesterday. So I watched (and napped through) a movie or two instead of reading. And then I felt more energized and went back to my book a couple of hours before bedtime.

I’m really liking the new story I’m reading. It's the slow seduction kind of Paranormal Romance that I've come to enjoy and it's got a great internal and external conflict arc that's keeping the couple apart, so I’m enjoying this quite a bit. The author seems to know what she's doing and I'm looking forward to reading the rest of the stories/books in this anthology/collection.

 - Sleep / Fitbit - 7 hours 52 minutes, 2x awake, 12x restless, 37 minutes awake/restless.

 - Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Blood Sugar - Oh, I know I'm supposed to check it! And now I'm being so obstinate that I don't even fucking bother even when I do remember. I'm TERRIBLE at this!

 - Exercise/Yoga - The newest routine I've been working with is a seated routine (so no worries about getting light headed - which has been happening lately), and it's only 20 minutes… so it seems to be getting a little easier to force myself to do it.

We remain hopeful.

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - We talked just a little bit yesterday. Nothing earth-shattering. I'm really not looking forward to him starting this new work from home job because I don't think I'm going to hear from him at all when that happens.

The one bright spot on the horizon is that it's only about 10 days before he meets with his landlord to discuss the lease.

So, a week and a half and we'll have a better idea of when he might be coming home.

I'm sure he's still thinking around the 1st of the year, though.

Because, the suck.

 - The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ I took out the section on sweetie bio's, the whole 'sweetie' thing never really worked out. I only ended up with a bunch of one night stands. I'm giving up on sweeties. ]

 - Recent Encounters - Nothing new to report.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - I sent him a text last night telling him to drive safe. He responded with an apology about not being able to hang out this past week. I told him 'no worries' and suggested we book some cuddle time next week. He said 'sounds good' and we left it at that.

I know it seems counterproductive, given what he means to me, but I hope he meets someone at this outing. I would really like to see him dating and I think I have a much better shot at surviving losing him now that I have Bear in my life.

I'm prepared to lose him because I need to be.

 - Sweeties -

 - Bear - Again, he didn't check in yesterday, but I’m okay with that. I know I'll hear from him and that I'll see him again soon. Once we're closer and a lot more comfortable with each other I'll address the issue with the acne on his back and see if I can get him to take better care of himself. Then I'll have no reason to hold back with him.

OMG, pun… I totally didn't mean for that to happen!

Relationships / Just Friends:

Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One-Timers - Nothing new to report.

 - The Hopefuls - I sent a really long message to the Daddy Dom that blipped my radar, he responded with something short that really only touched on one of the things that I'd brought up… I'm a little saddened by this, I was hoping for a more in-depth conversation, but I guess he doesn't do so well at the words on a screen like I do. So I just told him that I’m really available quite a bit next week and I left it up to him to schedule an 'in person' with me.

We'll see where it goes.

 - Honorable Mentions - Nothing new to report.

End Notes:

I'm not really sure what today will hold for me yet. I'm officially still waking up. I know there's some deep cleaning I want to do in the kitchen and in the bathroom. And I want to get back to my reading. So, I guess we'll see.

I think I’m going to be okay with this.

My so-called 'friend' dropped by last night.

Okay, before you say anything, keep in mind that this has been a particularly rough week for me depression-wise and I've been needing physical contact in a very bad way.

He offered me what I needed, and I decided to take him up on the offer, and it turned out to be not so bad this time. I actually enjoyed his company quite a bit and even found it worth losing sleep over. So, that's something.

But this whole 'just friends' thing?

Yeah… that held up about as well as a wet paper towel.

It's all down in the Recent Encounters report.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - Now, again, I lost sleep last night, so the emotional regulators are going to be offline today. Plus I'm only about half a cuppa in, so I don't know where my emotional state is today. But, I can tell you that I got some much needed, quality physical contact last night and that should help balance my emotions more towards the happier side of things.

 - Writing - Still on hold.

 - Reading - I continue to learn more and more about what attracts me to a certain erotic romance piece over another. For example, I'm learning that I don't like the 'Bad Boy' types that lead with intimidation, fear, and general asshole behavior towards the girl. I'm learning that I much prefer the ones who are immediately smitten by their ladies and embark on a journey of seduction to win her heart and her body. So, I'm skipping a few books here and there if the romance is too 'dark' and 'mean'. I'll stick to the more 'flowery' sorts of paranormal romances. That's where I seem to live.

 - Sleep / Fitbit - 6 hours. 3x awake, 8x restless, 22 min awake/restless. - NOTE - raised oxytocin and serotonin levels through excessive snuggling results in a more restful sleep! So even though I didn't sleep very LONG, I slept more restfully!

 - Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Exercise/Yoga - Despite the sub-optimal sleep, I really am going to try to do this today. I know I owe it to myself to stay on top of it.

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - He was really busy during the day yesterday, so he didn't have the opportunity to call me during his normal afternoon slot when he goes to retrieve the elder abomination from daycare. The screeching harpy made that run while Bran was making phone calls that were more important than me.

He called me last night when he was on the way to return movies to the library, though. I was just making dinner and waiting for my visitor, but we did get to talk a little bit. As usual, I have no idea what the fuck we talked about, so it must have been just the usual 'updates' and shit.

It was just good to hear from him.

I really miss him a lot.

 - The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ I took out the section on sweetie bio's, the whole 'sweetie' thing never really worked out. I only ended up with a bunch of one night stands. I'm giving up on sweeties. ]

 - Recent Encounters - Sure as shit, I give up on sweeties and then I end up recruiting one.

His code name is 'Bear'. As of last night he has survived a second date and requested a third, and those are the base requirements to make him an official sweetie.

Bear = because he gives these amazing, all-encompassing hugs.

    - 1) good company: He checks in on me… Way more than I check in on him, even though I do always respond to his messages I haven't really given him a whole lot to base a text conversation on. Last night he asked me how I was doing and I told him the truth. I told him I wasn't doing well and that on top of that I was isolating because it was better than a) plastering on a fake smile, or b) bringing someone else down with my terrible mood.

That's when he let me know that I didn't need to be fake with him and that he'd always be there to snuggle with me if I needed it.

*sigh*

You know I needed it, right?

You know how conflicted I've been over the fact that he's offering me a perfect sweetie relationship, and that it's just the lack of physical attraction that's holding me back?

I said 'fuck it' and I let him come over.

I figured we could spoon and that way I could avoid kissing (smelling) him, and also not have to touch his back.

Cold, I know.

    - 2) good conversation: One thing I really like about him is that he doesn't waste words. He seems really comfortable with silence when the snuggles are going on.

We did talk a little bit, but nothing in depth on any one subject. Just light things and then back to the snuggling.

    - 3) good snuggles: I will say this: (and I knew this going in last night) He is an exquisite snuggler. He's very attentive to my needs and he gives me the kind of soft touch that I'm famous for. So, he gives me what I'm so good at giving other people and it's NICE.

He made it clear that he cares about me. He made it clear that he will always be there if I need him. He held me tightly and he didn't let go.

It was really nice…

Really, really nice.

    - 4) good sex: As much as I wanted to avoid sexual activity - I knew I wasn't going to say 'no' if things heated up along those lines.

He started by just petting me through my yoga pants… then he raised it up a notch by trying to snake his hand down inside them… Unfortunately, for him, getting inside my tight underwear/yoga pants isn't all that easy.

More heavy petting and then he got up and stripped me naked from the waist down.

He is fucking amazing with his fingers.

That's it… just his fingers... But gods can he make me scream with just his fingers.

More than one I got that 'have to pee' feeling that a girl is supposed to get right before a vaginal orgasm and even after he was done my pussy was still twitching, so it seems that he got me very close to cumming. Kudos to him. He's gotten closer to making me cum than anyone else I've ever had.

And he LOVES to make me scream like that.

At one point, in the middle, I had to grab a drink of water because my throat had gone so dry from the sounds he was pulling out of me.

Then he quit when his hand got tired… And that was that. He didn't even ask me to reciprocate.

I actually feel kinda bad about that.

--

After the fingering from heaven, there was quite a bit of kissing, and he didn't smell bad this time. His scent was rather neutral, so it was okay.

And I just avoided touching the bare skin of his back and that was that I was okay.

So, there you have it, he's a sweetie now and I'm okay with it.

I guess at some point I'll have to address the back issue. I'll probably suggest a loofa and a good body scrub.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

Yeah… so that didn't work.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One-Timers - Nothing new to report.

 - The Hopefuls - There's a Daddy Dom blipping my radar… I'm not going to be shy about the fact that that causes a few warm stirrings in interesting places.

 - Honorable Mentions - Nothing new to report.

End Notes:

So…

I have a sweetie.

And a good one, it seems.

I think I’m going to be okay with this.

I really miss being numb.

Yesterday I got a taste of how the extent of my depression is affecting those around me. Someone actually said the words 'I miss my friend' to me.

Well isn't that just fucking special?

Way to make me feel even worse instead of better. So, now, on top of the soul-crushing depression, I have the soul-devouring guilt over the fact that I'm just not over my shit already.

I made it clear that there's nothing anyone can do about it, though. That unless some beautiful angel descends and gives me the kind of consistent, stable, loving touch that I need… This depression isn't going anywhere… and how the fuck is that going to happen? Right?

No one gives a shit.

The Blue Falcon doesn't have time for me, and I think I’m starting to bring him down.

The one person who cared? Yeah, I found him so physically repulsive that my skin crawled when he touched me.

FUCK!

There's just no way out of this.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - I’m starting to really slip on the self-care stuff. I just don't know where to find the motivation to keep up with it. It's disturbing to know that there are things I should be doing to take care of myself and knowing that I’m deliberately NOT doing them because I simply DON'T FEEL LIKE IT at the time. THIS IS NOT GOOD!

 - Writing - Still on hold.

 - Reading - I only made it 4 chapters into the new book before I realized that I couldn't stand the two main characters one little bit any longer. Then I picked out a new book to read, but I couldn't start it. This was after a pretty massive crying fit and I just didn't even have the energy to read at all, so I went and watched a couple of horror movies instead.

The popcorn was too salty.

 - Sleep / Fitbit - 7 hours 52 minutes, 4x awake, 13x restless, 43 minutes awake/restless.

Hmm… I was really hoping for a better reading than that. I found out on Tuesday that I've been taking one of my night time psyche meds wrong. One of the anti-psychotics that I take primarily for sleep is now supposed to be taken sublingually. I need to let it dissolve under my tongue. Which I did last night about a half hour before I went to bed because it tastes awful and I was giving myself a chance to brush my teeth or something if I needed to.

Bummer…. Still a shitty night of sleep.

 - Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Blood Sugar - Another big fat ZERO on the self-care meter… I KNEW I was supposed to check this morning and I just didn't fucking do it.

 - INR - It was high yesterday, I'm still waiting for the phone call to tell me the final results of just how high it was. It's because I stopped with the hot sauce again, I’m sure. So this is going to result in a medication adjustment, I’m sure.

Fabulous.

 - Exercise/Yoga - I did exercise yesterday, and fuck I hated every second of it… it was a tiny self-care win. I'm not sure how much longer I can force myself to do this shit.

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - I got to talk to him twice yesterday, which is rare with the new work situation. Pretty soon I won't be hearing from him at all, I'm sure. Once he starts the new 9-5, stay at home job… it's going to be nothing on the phone calls. I'm going to have to endure this shit even more alone than I already am.

What's worse is that I don't even feel like I have anyone to turn to anymore.

I'm giving the Blue Falcon a lot of space right now. I know he needs it.

So, yay? All alone? Go me?

Fuck…

 - The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ I took out the section on sweetie bio's, the whole 'sweetie' thing never really worked out. I only ended up with a bunch of one night stands. I'm giving up on sweeties. ]

 - Recent Encounters - Nothing new to report.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One-Timers - Nothing new to report.

 - The Hopefuls - I tapped Friday after my conversation with Jasper. It had been forever since I'd chatted with either of them. I woke up to a message from Friday this morning. Things are pretty bad on his end… no details on what is so bad, but it all sounds pretty terrible. He sent me his well-wishes and hoped that I'm okay. I told him I was sorry to disappoint him, and then I let him have it about how bad things have been on my end.

No response yet… He probably won't get a chance to respond at all.

*sigh*

Okay…

At least he's still there, right?

I still have a chance of being with him sometime in the not too terribly distant future.

--

I received a very short but polite note from someone on Fetlife last night. He told me he found my profile through a mutual friend and expressed an interest in getting to know me better. He says he's a gentle Dom, but a Dom nonetheless.

I'm not sure why… but that little note got me kind of excited.

I don't know which mutual friend he's talking about, but some part of me is hoping that it's someone who knows my current circumstance and that this is all a little bit of a hokey semi-cyber-stalk.

I know!

I'm fucked in the head!

It's just the idea of someone already knowing I'm in pain and wanting me anyway. Maybe even wanting to help me.

That's probably not what's happening here. In fact, that's highly unlikely… but it was the sexual fantasy that got me through the night so I wasn't crying myself to sleep.

Crying oneself to sleep fucking BITES ASS!!

I hate it when I cry so much that my sinuses inflame and I can't breathe through my nose.

It's even worse when I cry so much that I get a dehydration headache from it…

Both are pure hell.

 - Honorable Mentions - Nothing new to report.

End Notes:

I don't know what to do.

No one can help me feel better and I think people are starting to get sick of hearing me whine about my pain all the time.

This is why depressed people isolate. This is why we shut down and shut people out right when we need people the most. It's because we feel like no one cares.

I'll tell you one thing about the latest development in the depression, though…

I really miss being numb.

I would love it if he just showed up.

Yesterday was a bad day for the depression. It kept hitting me hard and then kicking me while I was down. I spent a lot of time curled around a stuffed animal and just laying in bed trying to self-soothe as much as possible.

Gods… I just don't even have words for how much this sucks. It's also probably not helping things that I seem to have some sort of constant, low-grade headache going on. It's like the pain is so consistent that I don't even really notice it, but if I press on my brows or temples it makes itself known in a big way.

The irony is also not lost on me that I met someone who would have gladly given me all the touch I need to survive and I was so disgusted by him that I couldn't continue an intimate relationship. I mean, what the fuck? Why? Why give me someone who is pretty much perfect in temperament and then make him so physically repulsive that I can't stand to be touched by him? Please, tell me what the hell that's all about? What little karmic snafu did I cause that gave me that as a wrist slap in return? Fuck!

Yesterday wasn't all bad… I got to talk to my sister a bit.

That update will be below in Bran's section since we were talking mostly about Bran and the situation there.

Ugh… that's it, I’m taking painkillers for this headache.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - I saw Bubbles (psychiatrist) yesterday. In the end, we mutually voted to raise the dose on my antidepressants. She asked why I didn't just dump Bran and move on to a less stressful relationship. I told her we're not monogamous and that I didn't need to dump him to have another, less stressful relationship. So, my abject failure to recruit a decent band of sweeties should speak volumes in terms of how bad things would suck if Bran and I had broken up. It wouldn't have done any good. I'd be just as miserable, if not more so. So, yeah, that's not the answer. Never was and never will be.

Right when I was done with Bubbles, Valkyrie was there in the hallway and ready to take me.

To be perfectly honest, Valkyrie and I didn't have much to talk about. We both knew the depression was kicking my ass. We both knew there was nothing we could do about it but wait. We spent a majority of the session recalling episodes of Supernatural and laughing our asses off at them.

Hey… This is the way we roll sometimes.

 - Writing - Still on hold.

 - Reading - I've started a new series. This one has me finally breaking into the books that are more recent downloads and not things I downloaded two years ago.

I’m not sure about it so far. I know it's doing that thing where it paints the Alpha as the Asshole in the beginning so that we can see and feel the struggle of the girl falling in love with him… but I don't like this asshole one little bit and I don't like this 'brand' of Asshole.

It was different in that other story/series I read. He was a domineering son of a bitch, but underneath it you could still see the romantic feelings right from the start. Or, more to the point, you could sense his obsession from the start and that's what I loved about him. His possessiveness. He was immediately very protective of the girl he'd set his sites on.

The guy in this series is very clear that he doesn't care about her, or that he's trying too hard not to care, and it's off-putting, to say the least.

The rest of the series is on Kindle Unlimited (or I wouldn't be reading book one), so we'll see if I'll continue it or not.

 - Sleep / Fitbit - The readings are off because I was mostly sedentary when I got home yesterday - my Fitbit thinks I went to bed at 4:30 in the afternoon.

 - Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Blood Sugar - I swear by the old gods and the new that I actually thought about it this morning, and I consciously said 'fuck it'. - so, yeah… Chalk this one up to another 'self-care' item that I'm finding hard to maintain.

 - INR - Test today.

 - Exercise/Yoga - This is so hard. I know I need to do it and yet it's one of the hardest things to force myself to do. I just wish it was easier to get myself to do it.

Maybe this is one of those things that will get easier when Bran comes back. I know we're thinking about joining a gym together and there I can ride one of those machines that make the full body workout, plus cardio, easy for a person like me.

*sigh* that would be nice.

 - Weight Management - I hope I keep losing weight… that would be nice. I'd like to be able to get back into my other yoga pants again.

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - There was no phone call from Bran yesterday, which probably added to my depression considerably.

However, I did get to chit-chat with my sister for a bit.

For clarification, she's not my blood sister, she's chosen family. We've been close for a while now. I think she's the only person on the planet that Bran's afraid of.

When things got bad last year, she was the person I called. She reamed Bran a new asshole and that didn't even fix things, so she dropped the karma-fuck bomb to end all karma-fuck bombs. She warned me about how it was going to play out. She said I'd land somewhere soft and safe, but it would be without Bran, and that's exactly what happened.

The rest… well…

Bran got everything he wanted.

He got his 'family' and he got me out of the picture so he could be 'dad'. He got the exact life he was willing to leave me for.

It's not my fault that he fucking hates that life now and that he regrets ever wanting it to begin with. It's not even sisters fault for dropping that bomb and putting him there. It's his own bad juju and he's had to deal with it just like I've had to deal with my own bad juju. I've had to come to terms with the fact that I took him for granted and I regret that now. I know that's something that I won't be doing moving forward.

So, according to sis, the karma-fuck bomb has played itself out. She says Bran and I have learned what we needed to learn from it and that it's not the karma keeping us apart anymore. There's just a bit more keeping him stuck where he is and that once he resolves it, he'll just show up on my doorstep.

She feels he'll be back around new years, which was his estimation as well.

It seems so far away when I've already waited for so long.

Can I really get through this on my own?

I don't know…

 - The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ I took out the section on sweetie bio's, the whole 'sweetie' thing never really worked out. I only ended up with a bunch of one night stands. I'm giving up on sweeties. ]

 - Recent Encounters - Nothing new to report.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

I heard from Jasper yesterday!! He's doing as well as can be expected. He works so damn much that he barely even sees his family at all, but in his own words 'his worst days with them are better than his best days without them', so he's okay.

We still think of each other often and fondly. I just don't tap in because I know how busy he is with work and stuff. I know he'll tap in when he can and when he has time.

He wasn't surprised to find out that I compare a lot of lovers to him and it turns out that I'm not the only one. He knows women who are single to this day because no other guy could measure up to Jasper. I can totally get that. He's pretty special. He can read body language and just give his lover what she needs. Gods, he was so fucking good. What I wouldn't give to be trapped, naked underneath him again.

I miss him.

He misses me too.

But I'm happy for his friendship and I realize that I'm never going to be his lover again… I'm okay with that. It was just really good to hear from him and to make him blush with my singing his praises again, LOL.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One-Timers - Nothing…

 - The Hopefuls - … new to…

 - Honorable Mentions - … report.

End Notes:

New years…

That's the new 'survival goal' - the next light at the end of the tunnel. The next point on the calendar to come and go without him coming home… or maybe he will come home. Who knows.

Sis says he just has 'something' that he still needs to deal with.

She also said that he's going to hit a 'great, grand fuck it' breaking point and just abandon ship. She says he'll just show up on my doorstep.

That would be lovely.

I would actually prefer that over knowing when he's coming home.

I would love it if he just showed up.

That would be awesome!!

That's just going to have to do

I'm not meant to live without touch.

That's my epiphany in all of this.

Realizing that my feelings regarding Bran's absence are not based in codependency. They're based on my need for loving touch. I need to be able to touch the person I love. I need to be touched by the person I love. I just can't survive without touch.

In that respect, the Blue Falcon has been great at providing touch when he's been available. He's truly wonderful and there's a lot over the last several months that I wouldn't have survived without him.

It's the others that piss me off.

I've spent a year trying to recruit more sweeties to keep me bathed in loving touch and all I got for it was used for sex in an endless sea of one night stands.

So, I've given up.

I just don't care anymore, and this time there's no coming back from it. I just can't take a year of failure lightly. My plan didn't work, it's as simple as that. It's time to try something else.

It's time to just survive alone… Since that's what I've been doing this whole time anyway. It's time to just be alone without the additional wounds of getting constantly poked in the abandonment issues.

That's just going to have to do, for now.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - It's Tuesday and I get to see Valkyrie today. Which feels weird because I just saw her on Thursday last week, so it seems like I was just there. I don't really have much to work on today. I'm just kinda 'blah' about everything.

I get to see Bubbles today too. We might as well add some more to the anti-depression family of meds… something to perk me up a little bit more would be great.

 - Writing - Still on hold.

 - Reading - How can a man smell like sexy aftershave when he has a full beard? OMG, seriously… what the fuck is wrong with some erotica authors?! Stop. Just stop. Go to your room and don't come out again until you've figured out how wrong this is.

Next on my reading list is some gay male paranormal romance by one of my favorite people in my erotica group. I'm actually looking forward to it even though 'all dick' isn't my thing.

I passed over another giant erotica anthology last night… I can't even remember why I skipped it. But it just wasn't holding my attention at all.

I'm getting better at just saying 'no' to the crap that isn't worth reading.

 - Sleep / Fitbit - 8 hours 45 minutes, 4x awake, 16x restless, 40 minutes awake/restless.

 - Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Exercise/Yoga - I have time today… I really should. Fuck me I don't want to, though.

 - Weight Management - I'm questioning the calories in the mushroom alfredo I made… Also, it left me really hungry… I need more meat protein in my diet.

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - Really not a lot to say. I wish I had better news.

He called twice yesterday and we just talked about nothing. Him coming home was a subject that neither of us even brought up at all.

I know it's going to be awhile before he feels financially secure enough to come back. And I just have to hold on.

That's all I can do… just keep holding on.

 - The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ I took out the section on sweetie bio's, the whole 'sweetie' thing never really worked out. I only ended up with a bunch of one night stands. I'm giving up on sweeties. ]

 - Recent Encounters - Nothing new to report.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - I texted him last night when I read about the full beard aftershave. He laughed, but the conversation didn't last. It's common. He doesn't text well.

I really hope I see him this week, but I know it's not likely.

Still a lot more of 'suck it up and deal', I guess.

Relationships / Just Friends:

My 'friend' didn't check in yesterday. He's probably working or something. I should probably check in on him so that he's not always the one initiating…

I suck at initiating when I'm not close to someone yet.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One-Timers - Nothing…

 - The Hopefuls - … new to…

 - Honorable Mentions - … report.

End Notes:

I think I'm going to be really alone this week.

I'm not sure how to handle that except to just 'handle it'… suck it up and get through it.

I really don't have much of a choice there, do I?

Best. Kid. Ever.

I took the weekend off because it was Mother/Daughter bonding time. Much Buffy/Angel was watched. We're closing in on the end of Buffy… should only be about 2 more visits and then we'll be down to just the final season of Angel.

Then she wants to watch all of Supernatural from the beginning again.

Holy fuck, gods damn, I have the BEST KID EVER!!!

We also discussed the Halloween arrangement this year.

The custody agreement was that her father and I would alternate every other year with her. This is supposed to be my year to have her on Halloween, but I don't really think it even matters anymore. She's going to be 14 and that's sort of the cutoff for trick or treating, really.

I'm pretty sure one of her friends is going to host a Halloween party that she'll want to go to and it just hasn't come up yet.

My weekend with her is November 3rd… she and I can do our ritual then. It's no big deal. The gods are used to us working around the custody schedule.

Other than that, nothing super eventful this weekend… just me settling into a new antisocial internal landscape and enjoying my time with her.

Missing the Blue Falcon a bit, but that's to be expected. I'm not sure if I'll see him this week because he's preparing to for a road trip to meet a bunch of people he knows from his online groups. He said he might drop by, though.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - The depression doesn't seem as 'sharp' as it has been. The aloneness seems to have eased up as well. I think I’m mostly back to a pretty solid 'numb' state. I'm getting used to the idea that Bran isn't coming home soon, again… and yeah, it sucks ass, but I've survived this long, right? What's another six months?

Hell…

Yes, granted… it's fucking hell.

But, it's a hell that I know very well now.

All I can do is keep up with the self-care and get myself through it.

 - Writing - Still on hold.

 - Reading - So, that alien invasion paranormal romance occupies a LOT of my waking thoughts… I keep wishing I could go back to that world and read more about those characters, but the storyline closed out so elegantly that I know there's nothing more to read.

Took me awhile to figure out what it was about that series that had me so fucking hooked.

It was the way the guy was so obsessive and sexually possessive of the girl.

Major turn on.

I keep finding myself wanting to be in her situation and then quickly saying 'NO! No, I don't!' because that situation would have taken me away from Bran with little or no care for the feelings I still had for him. These aliens aren't Poly.

Still, having someone that sexually possessive over me? Yeah… that would rock.

Other story-wise, I'm still working my way through the books that I have downloaded from a year or two ago. Some of them, well, a majority of them, I'm skipping and not reading because they're not my thing. I'm definitely more into the paranormal romances. If a story is just too mainstream where everyone is human, it's just way too boring for me. I also hate BDSM shit. Learned that the hard way. I can't believe I almost roped myself into writing that crap.

I think I need to delete my FetLife account. It's just not me. It's not who I am. That's not my world anymore.

 - Sleep / Fitbit - Fitbit won't sync… no clue.

 - Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Blood Sugar - See, this morning, it was pure laziness. I had my coffee poured, but I hadn't taken a single sip yet when I remembered my blood sugar. However, by that time, I was already back on my computer… and I didn't want to get up again. Pure LAZINESS!!

I suck.

 - Exercise/Yoga - I skipped this over the weekend because I don't exercise when/where someone can see me. And I’m skipping it today because of time constraints…

So, what am I going to do when Bran comes home and he's 'working' in the living room when I need to do my thing?

I guess I'll exercise in the bedroom.

Either that, or I think we're joining a gym, and then I won't care who or what can see me.

 - Weight Management -

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - Nothing new to report.

 - The Unicorn - We did have a really good weekend. She continues to amaze me with how wonderful she is. I don't know how much more I can say that I didn't already say at the beginning of this entry.

Oh! She quit Track!!

I know, right?

What the fuck?

I was so proud of her for being a geek and a jock at the same time, but it turns out that her main interest in track was relay races, but she was never able to get onto a relay team. She really wanted to be on a team. She never made it into a team, so she gave up. She quit.

Good for her.

She knew what she wanted and she knew she wasn't getting it, so she got out.

Still. Proud. As. Fuck.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ I took out the section on sweetie bio's, the whole 'sweetie' thing never really worked out. I only ended up with a bunch of one night stands. I'm giving up on sweeties. ]

 - Recent Encounters - Nothing new to report.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - He hasn't brought it up, but there's a decent chance that this outing he's going on this coming weekend could result in a 'date' or someone taking an interest in him. Right now that doesn't bother me… I feel kinda numb… I'm just… prepared to lose him, I guess.

I don't like it, but there it is.

Relationships / Just Friends:

New section.

My date from last week.

I asked if we could be just friends, and he said yes.

I still feel bad. I don't know how intense his emotional attachment might have been to us being lovers, but he seemed to be okay. I think I'm going to keep my distance for awhile anyway, just to give him some space to acclimate to the new arrangement.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One-Timers - A date from a few weeks ago expressed an interest in getting together yesterday, but I couldn't because I was still with the Unicorn.

He's one of the good ones. No 'using for sex' involved.

We'll have to see where it goes from there.

 - The Hopefuls - Nothing new…

 - Honorable Mentions - … to report.

End Notes:

So, a good weekend was had by all.

The week I have ahead of me is pretty standard.

I'm meeting with my temporary case manager today, we're going to try to salvage my status with the county and hopefully I can book some time to take care of shopping trips in the next few weeks… they're very much needed.

Other than that, it's just an extra trip to my psychiatrist on Tuesday to discuss psyche meds and no chiropractor this week, so I should get a lot of reading done.

And I guess that's it…