And here we are…
It's been a year.
A whole year without him by my side.
A year without a partner to face things with. A year alone. A year on my own. A year with no one to hold me at night.
Fuck you. This is hell.
I just want him back.
Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:
- Therapy - I think it's best to compare the depression to a terminal illness. Much in the same way I know the Borderline is never going to go anywhere, this depression is situational and permanent until the situation changes. But, I can make myself more comfortable while I'm there.
I'm talking about what I learned two nights ago when I made the most amazing fucking mid-day meal I've ever had in my life. Those eggs were fucking perfect and the rest of the ingredients were healthy and delicious. It reminded me of the corollary between good/healthy food and antidepressants. I noticed a marked improvement in my mood after I ate those fucking eggs. They were just SO GOOD!
So… eating GOOD, healthy food. Showering regularly and practicing good skin care. Staying on top of my oral care and yes, even forcing myself to exercise once my body has built up some reserves of the new supplements.
I have to be good to me.
I'm all fucking alone here.
There's no one to be good to me for me.
I have to do it.
- Writing - Still on hold.
- Reading - Reading about horny dragon orgies isn't exactly what I call a good time, but it's what the D20 chooses for me, so I don't argue. I just read. I'll get to less erotic books in time. This is still good research.
- Sleep / Fitbit - 8 hours 19 minutes, 4x awake, 19x restless, 71 minutes awake/restless - the mega-night-thirsties are still a mystery.
- Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.
Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:
- Blood Sugar - DAMMIT I FORGOT AGAIN!
- Exercise/Yoga - I dreamt last night about taking up DDP yoga and it having these marvelous effects on me. I really do need to get a yoga mat, don't I?
- Weight Management - HA HA! I just added a Yoga Mat/Blocks AND a food scale to my Amazon wishlist! That means that those items can come to me through the county. I just need to discuss these with my new caseworker.
Healthy things! Healthy changes. They're coming. It's going to happen.
Relationships / Family:
- Bran - He didn't call yesterday. I have no idea what the fuck is going on.
Also, I checked over my journal/blog entries from last year and he actually left on the 14th…
Fuck me…
How have I even survived this long?
Am I codependent if I need him back this badly?
I really don't think I am. Long distance relationships are supposed to be really hard on a couple. I'm probably not alone. I'm sure other couples have gone through similar. I think part of the problem is just how bad we left things in 2016 before he left.
This all just sucks.
- The Unicorn - Buffy/Angel tonight. Ye Gods do I ever need the distraction too.
Relationships / Sweeties:
[ I took out the section on sweetie bio's, the whole 'sweetie' thing never really worked out. I only ended up with a bunch of one night stands. I'm giving up on sweeties. ]
- Recent Encounters - Nothing new to report.
- Updates on Favorites -
- Blue Falcon - We're cool. My sense that he needed a break from me is pretty much over. It was temporary. I don't even know why I was worried.
He checked in yesterday morning and asked if we were still on for last night. I said 'Yes, please.' and then asked for a shopping trip too.
Trip done - I have enough HEALTHY stuff to keep me in egg dishes for a bit. Including more peppers! Fuckin A!
Then we got to his place and dined on leftover stir-fry and some fresh corn on the cob. I'm apparently a very sloppy corn on the cob eater. :/ He'll have to sweep the floor up after me.
Then we followed my lead… we retired to his bedroom and used his main computer monitor to watch shows while we naked snuggled.
He managed to choke down not one but two episodes of season 1 Supernatural. He's beginning to agree with me now that it's pretty cringe-worthy. You should have seen him when we were watching Dead in the Water. The scene with Dean and little Lucas at the park? The Blue Falcon basically screamed "Exposition! Piano, piano, piano, piano…" It was fucking hilarious.
And then I told him that he still has to survive the fucking racist truck and the docile bees.
He's committed though! I'm not fucking kidding!! He's all in!!!
I FINALLY have my Supernatural Snuggle Buddy!!!!
So… that's how I survived a year of Bran being gone… with the Blue Falcon holding me up and helping me face things.
What would I do without him?
Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:
- The One-Timers - Nothing new to report.
- The Hopefuls - There's been an interesting development here amongst the hopefuls.
There was a guy I started with on FetLife, and then we took it to Kik… and he said something that upset me so badly that I just fucking deleted Kik off my phone.
He contacted me yesterday on Fet again and asked me what was up. I told him I'd changed my mind and kind of half/why. He said that changing my mind was my right, but it would have been nice to let him know. He said some other soothing things too. Like how much he would have honored and respected me, but now he wasn't going to have that chance.
I wrote back and said THAT was what I needed, but he'd been so fucking RUDE on Kik.
He agreed completely. He owned his mistake. He explained his error and he apologized. He didn't even ask for a second chance. He just told me how much he regretted his rudeness and what it cost him in losing me. And he apologized. A LOT.
I told him that I accepted his apologies and that yes, I was fragile enough to be hurt by his actions on Kik, but I’m also strong enough to be forgiving.
We've been discussing it and I’m giving him a second chance.
He's being super sweet now. Really comforting.
I think we both need this, so I'm actually hoping for the best on this one.
Wish me luck, okay?
- Honorable Mentions - Nothing new to report.
End Notes:
Okay… so I made it through a year.
Thanks to the Blue Falcon I'm actually not too terribly broken today.
I still hope I hear from Bran, though.
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