I would love it if he just showed up.

Yesterday was a bad day for the depression. It kept hitting me hard and then kicking me while I was down. I spent a lot of time curled around a stuffed animal and just laying in bed trying to self-soothe as much as possible.

Gods… I just don't even have words for how much this sucks. It's also probably not helping things that I seem to have some sort of constant, low-grade headache going on. It's like the pain is so consistent that I don't even really notice it, but if I press on my brows or temples it makes itself known in a big way.

The irony is also not lost on me that I met someone who would have gladly given me all the touch I need to survive and I was so disgusted by him that I couldn't continue an intimate relationship. I mean, what the fuck? Why? Why give me someone who is pretty much perfect in temperament and then make him so physically repulsive that I can't stand to be touched by him? Please, tell me what the hell that's all about? What little karmic snafu did I cause that gave me that as a wrist slap in return? Fuck!

Yesterday wasn't all bad… I got to talk to my sister a bit.

That update will be below in Bran's section since we were talking mostly about Bran and the situation there.

Ugh… that's it, I’m taking painkillers for this headache.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - I saw Bubbles (psychiatrist) yesterday. In the end, we mutually voted to raise the dose on my antidepressants. She asked why I didn't just dump Bran and move on to a less stressful relationship. I told her we're not monogamous and that I didn't need to dump him to have another, less stressful relationship. So, my abject failure to recruit a decent band of sweeties should speak volumes in terms of how bad things would suck if Bran and I had broken up. It wouldn't have done any good. I'd be just as miserable, if not more so. So, yeah, that's not the answer. Never was and never will be.

Right when I was done with Bubbles, Valkyrie was there in the hallway and ready to take me.

To be perfectly honest, Valkyrie and I didn't have much to talk about. We both knew the depression was kicking my ass. We both knew there was nothing we could do about it but wait. We spent a majority of the session recalling episodes of Supernatural and laughing our asses off at them.

Hey… This is the way we roll sometimes.

 - Writing - Still on hold.

 - Reading - I've started a new series. This one has me finally breaking into the books that are more recent downloads and not things I downloaded two years ago.

I’m not sure about it so far. I know it's doing that thing where it paints the Alpha as the Asshole in the beginning so that we can see and feel the struggle of the girl falling in love with him… but I don't like this asshole one little bit and I don't like this 'brand' of Asshole.

It was different in that other story/series I read. He was a domineering son of a bitch, but underneath it you could still see the romantic feelings right from the start. Or, more to the point, you could sense his obsession from the start and that's what I loved about him. His possessiveness. He was immediately very protective of the girl he'd set his sites on.

The guy in this series is very clear that he doesn't care about her, or that he's trying too hard not to care, and it's off-putting, to say the least.

The rest of the series is on Kindle Unlimited (or I wouldn't be reading book one), so we'll see if I'll continue it or not.

 - Sleep / Fitbit - The readings are off because I was mostly sedentary when I got home yesterday - my Fitbit thinks I went to bed at 4:30 in the afternoon.

 - Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Blood Sugar - I swear by the old gods and the new that I actually thought about it this morning, and I consciously said 'fuck it'. - so, yeah… Chalk this one up to another 'self-care' item that I'm finding hard to maintain.

 - INR - Test today.

 - Exercise/Yoga - This is so hard. I know I need to do it and yet it's one of the hardest things to force myself to do. I just wish it was easier to get myself to do it.

Maybe this is one of those things that will get easier when Bran comes back. I know we're thinking about joining a gym together and there I can ride one of those machines that make the full body workout, plus cardio, easy for a person like me.

*sigh* that would be nice.

 - Weight Management - I hope I keep losing weight… that would be nice. I'd like to be able to get back into my other yoga pants again.

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - There was no phone call from Bran yesterday, which probably added to my depression considerably.

However, I did get to chit-chat with my sister for a bit.

For clarification, she's not my blood sister, she's chosen family. We've been close for a while now. I think she's the only person on the planet that Bran's afraid of.

When things got bad last year, she was the person I called. She reamed Bran a new asshole and that didn't even fix things, so she dropped the karma-fuck bomb to end all karma-fuck bombs. She warned me about how it was going to play out. She said I'd land somewhere soft and safe, but it would be without Bran, and that's exactly what happened.

The rest… well…

Bran got everything he wanted.

He got his 'family' and he got me out of the picture so he could be 'dad'. He got the exact life he was willing to leave me for.

It's not my fault that he fucking hates that life now and that he regrets ever wanting it to begin with. It's not even sisters fault for dropping that bomb and putting him there. It's his own bad juju and he's had to deal with it just like I've had to deal with my own bad juju. I've had to come to terms with the fact that I took him for granted and I regret that now. I know that's something that I won't be doing moving forward.

So, according to sis, the karma-fuck bomb has played itself out. She says Bran and I have learned what we needed to learn from it and that it's not the karma keeping us apart anymore. There's just a bit more keeping him stuck where he is and that once he resolves it, he'll just show up on my doorstep.

She feels he'll be back around new years, which was his estimation as well.

It seems so far away when I've already waited for so long.

Can I really get through this on my own?

I don't know…

 - The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ I took out the section on sweetie bio's, the whole 'sweetie' thing never really worked out. I only ended up with a bunch of one night stands. I'm giving up on sweeties. ]

 - Recent Encounters - Nothing new to report.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

I heard from Jasper yesterday!! He's doing as well as can be expected. He works so damn much that he barely even sees his family at all, but in his own words 'his worst days with them are better than his best days without them', so he's okay.

We still think of each other often and fondly. I just don't tap in because I know how busy he is with work and stuff. I know he'll tap in when he can and when he has time.

He wasn't surprised to find out that I compare a lot of lovers to him and it turns out that I'm not the only one. He knows women who are single to this day because no other guy could measure up to Jasper. I can totally get that. He's pretty special. He can read body language and just give his lover what she needs. Gods, he was so fucking good. What I wouldn't give to be trapped, naked underneath him again.

I miss him.

He misses me too.

But I'm happy for his friendship and I realize that I'm never going to be his lover again… I'm okay with that. It was just really good to hear from him and to make him blush with my singing his praises again, LOL.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One-Timers - Nothing…

 - The Hopefuls - … new to…

 - Honorable Mentions - … report.

End Notes:

New years…

That's the new 'survival goal' - the next light at the end of the tunnel. The next point on the calendar to come and go without him coming home… or maybe he will come home. Who knows.

Sis says he just has 'something' that he still needs to deal with.

She also said that he's going to hit a 'great, grand fuck it' breaking point and just abandon ship. She says he'll just show up on my doorstep.

That would be lovely.

I would actually prefer that over knowing when he's coming home.

I would love it if he just showed up.

That would be awesome!!