I took yesterday off because the depression was eating me alive and it just didn't seem right to be here bitching about my problems on the day that so many heroes lost their lives and our nation(s) were catapulted into the War on Terror.
But, here I am, ready to bitch again.
I hope that's forgivable.
Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:
- Therapy - Ever since my date on Saturday I've been overwhelmed with this persistent sense of 'alone-ness'.
No, not loneliness. Not the kind of thing where I just feel like I need to reach out for someone.
But 'alone'.
It's this sense that I have no partner. No one beside me. No one to face things with, and logically I know it's wrong. I know Bran is still there. But it's like one year is too long. I just can't feel him with me anymore.
I sleep alone. I cook alone. I eat alone. I watch TV/Movies alone.
I'm just alone, all the time… I don't have anyone with me.
I've been crying since Sunday.
- Writing - I dread the moment when I must put word to screen. I take absolutely any excuse to get out of it. - I need to talk to Valkyrie about this. Maybe I'm forcing it too much. Maybe I do need a break.
- Reading - I took the last couple of days off from the reading because I paid for that HBO subscription, so I figured I might as well use it… plus I was finding it kinda hard to choke down the erotica without the constant eye roll. I think I'll get back to reading today, though.
- Sleep / Fitbit - I've been waking up THIRSTY a LOT. Refilling my water bottle 2-3 times in the night. I lost count of how many times I went back for water last night. And then I couldn't get back to sleep. My lashes were completely crusted with sand this morning.
Something's not right.
7 hours 21 minutes, 7x awake, 23x restless, 81 minutes awake/restless. (see, that's way more than normal)
- Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.
Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:
- Exercise/Yoga - The Blue Falcon brought my supplements yesterday. So, in about a week I have no more excuses. I also know that the type of Yoga I need for weight loss is DDP Yoga… It's supposed to work fast.
UGH… dun wanna… but I have to do something.
- Weight Management - The Blue Falcon encouraged me to get some Farmers Market in my system and he even found a spiralizer for me. He took it out of the money I tried to pay him back for Bran's tires. I found bananas, peaches, mushrooms, and parsnips (which I should try to spiralize as well). Then we went to the grocery store for zucchini and I found some yellow squash too.
At first, I couldn't get the spiralizer to work, but the Blue Falcon figured it out. Now I have a GREAT single serving, really healthy, Paleo friendly frittata. There's some cheese, but not a lot. I could seriously eat this shit every meal of the day.
Tonight I'm going to try it as a spaghetti. I have the ground beef thawed already. I think I just have to toss the zoodles and squadles in the hot sauce. It's better to have them mostly uncooked so they retain their firmness.
I have a good feeling about this.
Relationships / Family:
- Bran - I'm in the purgatory of the unknowing and it's killing me.
I got a call around 4:30'ish yesterday afternoon. Bran was calling to let me know that his primary job… his entire reason for being up north, to begin with, had terminated him. It was over some stupid policy violation that I don't really understand so I didn't ask a whole lot of questions. He has an appeal in, but he's doubting it's going to go through. He doesn't see himself returning to work there.
I asked him what his plan was.
He said his next order of business was to talk to his landlord and see if he could get out of his lease.
Yes.
If that's the case. If he can get out of the lease. He's coming home.
Exit strategy fully in force, he will be able to extract himself from the unsavory elements up north and FINALLY come the fuck home.
Okay… but, let's not get ahead of ourselves.
What if he can't get out of his lease?
Now, the Blue Falcon had an answer on that one. He's not exactly swimming in cash like he normally is because moving really took its toll on him, but if it comes down to a simple lease fee keeping Bran up North, the Blue Falcon said he'd front the damn cash.
So… there's that. If the Blue Falcon has his way, Bran's coming home.
But, I don't know what's on Bran's mind right now. I haven't really heard from him since that phone call yesterday. We exchanged some texts, but not enough to really tell me anything at all.
Yesterday was a bad day for him to lose his job. He was already dealing with the grief and loss of the day… 16 years ago he lost friends and colleagues. So, it was just a bad day all around for him.
But for the life of me, I couldn’t make myself feel bad about him losing his job. All I could feel was the selfish hope that he might come home. I tried not to sound selfish… and I apologized for sounding so selfish… he texted back and said he wasn't angry at me for sounding selfish, at least.
Ugh…
Am I a horrible person.
All I want is to not be alone anymore.
- The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.
Relationships / Sweeties:
[ I took out the section on sweetie bio's, the whole 'sweetie' thing never really worked out. I only ended up with a bunch of one night stands. I'm giving up on sweeties. ]
- Recent Encounters - Nothing new to report.
- Updates on Favorites -
- Blue Falcon - Sunday was kind of a suck ass day… really.
I got super excited thinking I was going to spend the whole day with the Blue Falcon and that's totally NOT what happened. Now, I've made my peace with the Blue Falcon on this… but it still fucked me up.
He picked me up at 10 am to go to the Farmers Market. I even got up early to get enough caffeine and breakfast in me to make this work.
Walking in we checked out this warehouse store and he found me that spiralizer.
Then we stopped at the grocery store.
And then that was it.
Like an hour and a half…
He'd spent most of Saturday at the zoo with some friends and he was really peopled out. He needed private time to recharge.
I get that.
I was just disappointed.
This was really the first time that I was in an emotional hell and he wasn’t there for me. I told him about the persistent state of 'alone-ness' and he pretty much told me to suck it up and deal with it on my own.
Gods, that fucking sucked.
I cried all of Sunday and Monday (yesterday).
I’m just so done with this.
I just want Bran to come home.
I can't do this anymore.
Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:
- The One Timers - Nothing…
- The Hopefuls - … new to…
- Honorable Mentions - … report.
End Notes:
So, that's my post 9/11 bitch rant.
I gave a day of silence and cried myself to sleep last night.
I'm sorry I couldn't do anything more to honor our fallen.
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