I really miss being numb.

Yesterday I got a taste of how the extent of my depression is affecting those around me. Someone actually said the words 'I miss my friend' to me.

Well isn't that just fucking special?

Way to make me feel even worse instead of better. So, now, on top of the soul-crushing depression, I have the soul-devouring guilt over the fact that I'm just not over my shit already.

I made it clear that there's nothing anyone can do about it, though. That unless some beautiful angel descends and gives me the kind of consistent, stable, loving touch that I need… This depression isn't going anywhere… and how the fuck is that going to happen? Right?

No one gives a shit.

The Blue Falcon doesn't have time for me, and I think I’m starting to bring him down.

The one person who cared? Yeah, I found him so physically repulsive that my skin crawled when he touched me.

FUCK!

There's just no way out of this.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - I’m starting to really slip on the self-care stuff. I just don't know where to find the motivation to keep up with it. It's disturbing to know that there are things I should be doing to take care of myself and knowing that I’m deliberately NOT doing them because I simply DON'T FEEL LIKE IT at the time. THIS IS NOT GOOD!

 - Writing - Still on hold.

 - Reading - I only made it 4 chapters into the new book before I realized that I couldn't stand the two main characters one little bit any longer. Then I picked out a new book to read, but I couldn't start it. This was after a pretty massive crying fit and I just didn't even have the energy to read at all, so I went and watched a couple of horror movies instead.

The popcorn was too salty.

 - Sleep / Fitbit - 7 hours 52 minutes, 4x awake, 13x restless, 43 minutes awake/restless.

Hmm… I was really hoping for a better reading than that. I found out on Tuesday that I've been taking one of my night time psyche meds wrong. One of the anti-psychotics that I take primarily for sleep is now supposed to be taken sublingually. I need to let it dissolve under my tongue. Which I did last night about a half hour before I went to bed because it tastes awful and I was giving myself a chance to brush my teeth or something if I needed to.

Bummer…. Still a shitty night of sleep.

 - Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Blood Sugar - Another big fat ZERO on the self-care meter… I KNEW I was supposed to check this morning and I just didn't fucking do it.

 - INR - It was high yesterday, I'm still waiting for the phone call to tell me the final results of just how high it was. It's because I stopped with the hot sauce again, I’m sure. So this is going to result in a medication adjustment, I’m sure.

Fabulous.

 - Exercise/Yoga - I did exercise yesterday, and fuck I hated every second of it… it was a tiny self-care win. I'm not sure how much longer I can force myself to do this shit.

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - I got to talk to him twice yesterday, which is rare with the new work situation. Pretty soon I won't be hearing from him at all, I'm sure. Once he starts the new 9-5, stay at home job… it's going to be nothing on the phone calls. I'm going to have to endure this shit even more alone than I already am.

What's worse is that I don't even feel like I have anyone to turn to anymore.

I'm giving the Blue Falcon a lot of space right now. I know he needs it.

So, yay? All alone? Go me?

Fuck…

 - The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ I took out the section on sweetie bio's, the whole 'sweetie' thing never really worked out. I only ended up with a bunch of one night stands. I'm giving up on sweeties. ]

 - Recent Encounters - Nothing new to report.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One-Timers - Nothing new to report.

 - The Hopefuls - I tapped Friday after my conversation with Jasper. It had been forever since I'd chatted with either of them. I woke up to a message from Friday this morning. Things are pretty bad on his end… no details on what is so bad, but it all sounds pretty terrible. He sent me his well-wishes and hoped that I'm okay. I told him I was sorry to disappoint him, and then I let him have it about how bad things have been on my end.

No response yet… He probably won't get a chance to respond at all.

*sigh*

Okay…

At least he's still there, right?

I still have a chance of being with him sometime in the not too terribly distant future.

--

I received a very short but polite note from someone on Fetlife last night. He told me he found my profile through a mutual friend and expressed an interest in getting to know me better. He says he's a gentle Dom, but a Dom nonetheless.

I'm not sure why… but that little note got me kind of excited.

I don't know which mutual friend he's talking about, but some part of me is hoping that it's someone who knows my current circumstance and that this is all a little bit of a hokey semi-cyber-stalk.

I know!

I'm fucked in the head!

It's just the idea of someone already knowing I'm in pain and wanting me anyway. Maybe even wanting to help me.

That's probably not what's happening here. In fact, that's highly unlikely… but it was the sexual fantasy that got me through the night so I wasn't crying myself to sleep.

Crying oneself to sleep fucking BITES ASS!!

I hate it when I cry so much that my sinuses inflame and I can't breathe through my nose.

It's even worse when I cry so much that I get a dehydration headache from it…

Both are pure hell.

 - Honorable Mentions - Nothing new to report.

End Notes:

I don't know what to do.

No one can help me feel better and I think people are starting to get sick of hearing me whine about my pain all the time.

This is why depressed people isolate. This is why we shut down and shut people out right when we need people the most. It's because we feel like no one cares.

I'll tell you one thing about the latest development in the depression, though…

I really miss being numb.