I miss him… and I hurt.

This depression isn't going anywhere. This isn't the kind of thing where getting a little bit more Vitamin D, Sunlight or Exercise is going to help me. This is 100% pure 'situational depression' and my situation isn't changing.

However, the one thing I can do is take the best care of myself possible in spite of the depression. Things like regular showers and skin care. Staying on top of my oral care. And even making sure that I'm eating a little better.

To that end, on the final thing there, the last few days have been amazing. Ever since the Blue Falcon trust that spiralizer upon me and I've been using it on the zucchini and yellow squash? I've been making these incredibly healthy egg dishes and I even got in on some zoodle/squadle spaghetti.

Yesterday, for my mid-day meal… omg… I actually managed 3 perfect egg cracks and text book perfect egg basting over the meat, mushies, zucchini, and yellow squash. With just a smidge of minced serrano pepper on top and then allowing some cheese to melt on top once I'd taken a picture and posted it.

Ye mother fucking gods, it was pure heaven…SO GOOD!!

Now I only have one zucchini and yellow squash left… so, I don't know when I'm making it to the store again. I guess we'll just have to see.

I know there's a connection between good/healthy food and depression and I DID notice a marked improvement in my mood once I finished eating those eggs!

So… now I have ideas.

I know the kind of self-care my body wants now.

Now it's just a matter of making sure I have the things I need to give it what it needs.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - The one other thing that might be making these simple acts of self-care a tiny bit easier lately is that I've recently had the means to start taking my calcium supplement again. That does include a healthy amount of Vitamin D in it… so there may be a correlation. But, for whatever reason, this last week it's been a little easier to force myself to shower and floss my teeth.

 - Writing - Still on hold.

 - Reading - I feel like I should avoid it, but the D20 and my downloads from like a year to two years ago have been thrusting a lot of erotica at me. I'm not going to go so far as to say that it arouses me. I just find it somewhat interesting and I AM learning more about what I consider to be the differences between good and bad erotica. So, there are plusses.

But, that being said, I AM looking forward to just reading a straightforward book once my D20 selects one for me.

I'm hoping to get lost in someone else's reality for a bit.

 - Sleep / Fitbit - I hate the fact that I've been so thirsty at night. I have no idea what could be causing it. I don't think it's any of my meds. I was fine on all of them for awhile before this started up. Humph!

7 hours 42 minutes, 4x awake, 17x restless, 56 minutes awake/restless.

 - Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Blood Sugar - Fuck… my appointment with my weight loss doctor is coming up!! I need to start testing this regularly again!!

 - INR - LOW! 1.9 yesterday. BAD NEWS. I panicked last week when it was 3.9 and they were talking about needing to pull my tooth but they wouldn't do it unless my INR was at an acceptable level. So I skipped one too many days and brought it down, but I brought it down way too fucking far. So, back to the normal doses, we go… and we hope it evens out and doesn't go too high again.

Grr.

 - Exercise/Yoga - We're closing in on 'no excuses' time… Especially since I'm not writing… I need to be upping my activity level. UGH!

Maybe I'll get lucky and my brain will start to see that as self-care too?

 - Weight Management - I wonder how replacing so many grains with vegetables has affected my weight? It would be interesting to see if it's gone down at all.

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - The news isn't great.

To be honest, the only actual good news is that the one job isn't holding him back from coming home anymore. We're no longer waiting on their 'go-ahead' for him to plan his homecoming. They're out of the picture and his plans are officially in motion.

These plans revolve around A) getting out of or completing his lease with his landlord, and B) Making sure his bills are paid up to date or even a month ahead before he moves.

I’m really not sure how effective he's going to be at the second one. We've seen how hard life likes to kick him when he's down.

As for the lease, the landlord just happens to be out of town right now and not returning for a fair bit. He will be stopping by to inspect the property on October 10th, and then they can discuss the lease and getting Bran out of it.

So, that's it… we still have almost a whole month of not knowing what's going to happen.

And the suck just keeps on sucking.

The worst part for me is that I don't have Bran's commutes anymore. He calls when he's picking up the elder abomination from daycare, but that's only for a few minutes. So I'm really hurting to hear more from him and he's unable to communicate with me as much as both of us would like.

I miss him… and I hurt.

 - The Unicorn - Buffy and Angel tomorrow!

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ I took out the section on sweetie bio's, the whole 'sweetie' thing never really worked out. I only ended up with a bunch of one night stands. I'm giving up on sweeties. ]

 - Recent Encounters - Nothing new to report.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - I don't know what's going to happen today.

I let the Blue Falcon know weeks ago that this weekend was going to be really rough on me, but with the Unicorn being here tomorrow, today was the only day that we could naked snuggle and try to give me some emotional support to get me through it.

But, both times I've asked about whether or not we're still on for today, it seemed like he was either ignoring it or trying to get out of it.

*shrug*

Whatever.

Blue Falcon needs some Blue Falcon time and I need to be okay with that.

We've always known that he won't always be there.

Yes, it's breaking my heart that he's abandoning me… but I've survived way worse abandonments. He's still my friend. He just needs some time away from our friendship.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - Nothing…

 - The Hopefuls - … new to…

 - Honorable Mentions - … report.

End Notes:

Honestly, I’m probably in death spiral space… at least that's what it feels like. The persistent state of 'aloneness' has sort of faded into more of a generalized loneliness and the social anxiety is keeping me from reaching out to anyone except the Blue Falcon, who just happens to be the one person that needs a break from me.

So, yeah… I'm pretty much in hell.

This fucking sucks.