That's just going to have to do

I'm not meant to live without touch.

That's my epiphany in all of this.

Realizing that my feelings regarding Bran's absence are not based in codependency. They're based on my need for loving touch. I need to be able to touch the person I love. I need to be touched by the person I love. I just can't survive without touch.

In that respect, the Blue Falcon has been great at providing touch when he's been available. He's truly wonderful and there's a lot over the last several months that I wouldn't have survived without him.

It's the others that piss me off.

I've spent a year trying to recruit more sweeties to keep me bathed in loving touch and all I got for it was used for sex in an endless sea of one night stands.

So, I've given up.

I just don't care anymore, and this time there's no coming back from it. I just can't take a year of failure lightly. My plan didn't work, it's as simple as that. It's time to try something else.

It's time to just survive alone… Since that's what I've been doing this whole time anyway. It's time to just be alone without the additional wounds of getting constantly poked in the abandonment issues.

That's just going to have to do, for now.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - It's Tuesday and I get to see Valkyrie today. Which feels weird because I just saw her on Thursday last week, so it seems like I was just there. I don't really have much to work on today. I'm just kinda 'blah' about everything.

I get to see Bubbles today too. We might as well add some more to the anti-depression family of meds… something to perk me up a little bit more would be great.

 - Writing - Still on hold.

 - Reading - How can a man smell like sexy aftershave when he has a full beard? OMG, seriously… what the fuck is wrong with some erotica authors?! Stop. Just stop. Go to your room and don't come out again until you've figured out how wrong this is.

Next on my reading list is some gay male paranormal romance by one of my favorite people in my erotica group. I'm actually looking forward to it even though 'all dick' isn't my thing.

I passed over another giant erotica anthology last night… I can't even remember why I skipped it. But it just wasn't holding my attention at all.

I'm getting better at just saying 'no' to the crap that isn't worth reading.

 - Sleep / Fitbit - 8 hours 45 minutes, 4x awake, 16x restless, 40 minutes awake/restless.

 - Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Exercise/Yoga - I have time today… I really should. Fuck me I don't want to, though.

 - Weight Management - I'm questioning the calories in the mushroom alfredo I made… Also, it left me really hungry… I need more meat protein in my diet.

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - Really not a lot to say. I wish I had better news.

He called twice yesterday and we just talked about nothing. Him coming home was a subject that neither of us even brought up at all.

I know it's going to be awhile before he feels financially secure enough to come back. And I just have to hold on.

That's all I can do… just keep holding on.

 - The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ I took out the section on sweetie bio's, the whole 'sweetie' thing never really worked out. I only ended up with a bunch of one night stands. I'm giving up on sweeties. ]

 - Recent Encounters - Nothing new to report.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - I texted him last night when I read about the full beard aftershave. He laughed, but the conversation didn't last. It's common. He doesn't text well.

I really hope I see him this week, but I know it's not likely.

Still a lot more of 'suck it up and deal', I guess.

Relationships / Just Friends:

My 'friend' didn't check in yesterday. He's probably working or something. I should probably check in on him so that he's not always the one initiating…

I suck at initiating when I'm not close to someone yet.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One-Timers - Nothing…

 - The Hopefuls - … new to…

 - Honorable Mentions - … report.

End Notes:

I think I'm going to be really alone this week.

I'm not sure how to handle that except to just 'handle it'… suck it up and get through it.

I really don't have much of a choice there, do I?