Maybe... baby...

OMG… 2016 can not be over fast enough. This was a shit year. 2017 isn't off to a great start either without Bran, but I'm still hopeful that Echo is going to make up for it.

Echo didn't make it out to see the Unicorn and I yesterday. He'd slept all day the day before. Then all night and all day yesterday too. At first I was really upset that he didn't contact me at all again yesterday, but when I found out how much he'd been sleeping, he had my full empathy and sympathy.

Borderlines don't sleep like that unless something is dreadfully wrong.

Either his body or his mind are fighting something off and they need the extra downtime to repair and build resiliency. So, he's forgiven.

I'm super hopeful to see him today. I can't wait to be his.

--

Got a message from Foxtrot late last night. He's still interested.

I'm a little unnerved that the extra time with Echo is going to impact the other sweeties. But, at the same time… no one but Gramarye has made it out for a second/third date.

Granted, Foxtrot WANTS to… And is actually making plans. So, I'm super nervous about making him wait! I hope he'll be okay with it.

--

I'm over my abuse triggers from yesterday. And I'm tired this morning. But I should still be able to force the yoga out of myself today.

I miss WANTING to do yoga!!

I miss feeling incomplete without the yoga.

WTF brain/body…

Srsly, just wtf.

Post trauma blues...

So, yesterday I overslept by an hour. And I still got the morning yoga in.

Today, I got up an hour early, and I'm NOT feeling the yoga today.

I think I'll be okay if I don't let 'days off' become a habit.

But, I'm pretty sure I know exactly why I'm not feeling it today.

I wanted to post an entry into a writing contest. But I used up all my post credit to put the first six chapters of my own work up. So, I needed to do some critiques this morning.

I ended up critiquing the first two chapters of a new (to me) author. The story is GOOD, but it's hitting me like some serious gut punches. The main character is the victim of family scapegoating and abuse. The level of detail that went into the 'victim' perspective has me genuinely worried for the author. No amount of reading or research could have contributed that much to that kind of detail. It could really only come from personal experience.

Just reading it had me flashing back to my own toxic family.

So… no yoga today.

I'm going to need to face beast and read more. I'm pretty sure this girl is going to come out on top. So, I’m very interested to pay close attention to her character arc.

***

Oh, and update. Echo's visit has been delayed a day. I'm expecting him sometime today.  :)

Echos of Excitement...

I’m so fucking excited.

Echo will be here soon. I’m not sure exactly when, but sometime today he's going to be dropped off and he plans to stay for about two weeks.

He wants to spend quality time with both me and the Unicorn.

It's scary.

We've never met in person and this is a huge commitment.

Bran has been updated about the plan for me to spend a week with Echo, but he hasn't been told that this is likely to extend to about two weeks. He sounded deeply unhappy about this, but he held his tongue. *shrug* fucking good for him. Seriously, after the shit he's put me though this year, he seriously has NO RIGHT to dictate how I govern my relationships.

I even found out how he spent the Christmas holiday, and I'm NOT happy.

He should have been with me, and he knows it.

So, having someone who ISN'T going to be a one night stand. And who wants to really take the time to get to know me and my daughter before we play. It's very worth it to me.

I need this.

Echo does too.

Days of our Paradox...

Writing has been coming harder and harder with the Unicorn here. The kinds of edits and changes I need to be making require concentration and right now she and I are working on watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It's been so long since I've watched it all the way through that I feel the need to concentrate on it more so I can actively engage her more in conversation about the show.

So, the writing is on hold until Monday. And I can live with that.

Yesterday she came with me to see Val.

That was amazing.

Since the Unicorn and I agree we're basically of the same mind, and Val and I agree that we're basically of the same mind. I told Val that the Unicorn had finished Supernatural and that I'd gotten her addicted to Buffy now.

This resulted in ALL THREE of us co-geeking out over Supernatural.

Even Bran said he would have paid money to see that, LOL

--

Oh, also:

Val's feedback on the current Ghost Story is 'more'. More detail, more backstory, more more more…

I've since realized that my actual problem is the 50K word cap. Trying to fit everything into those confines is where the problem is arising. I need to be aiming for something more like 100K. Giving more in depth characters like the back up cast. Going deeper into whole conversations and stuff.

My problem with the pacing, this time, isn't that it's too slow.

IT'S TOO FAST!!

--

The Unicorn and I have been having some interesting conversations too. I'm finding that she's mature enough to discuss my life problems with me, and I'm comfortable going to her for advice on them.

I asked about Bran. Given how well I've been doing while he's been gone. I love my place being orderly. One of my new sweeties even pointed that out to me. I might call him Foxtrot. He's kind of antiquated in some ways. It's fucking adorable.

So, I asked the Unicorn what I should do about that. Given that I KNOW I'll be loathe to give up the sanctity of my own private environment and my ability to host whoever/whenever.

The Unicorn suggests that when Bran and I reach Co-habitation again, that I have a private space that is just for me. Like we should have separate bedrooms, or even live on opposite sides of a duplex, or something. That way I can still have my freedom without Bran holding me back.

I think he'll go for that. I think he needs me to be less clinging.

--

I also asked the Unicorn about Echo…

Echo is important.

Important enough for me to regret the promises that I've made to the Dragon, Daddy, and Gingersnap. On the one hand, I feel that my integrity is in question if I break those promises. But, on the other hand… no one was here to collect on those promises, either.

The Unicorn helped me see that those promises were there to show me WHAT I needed. But, not necessarily WHO I needed.

She said they were like the little fights leading up to the Boss Fight.

And then, I agreed, that the other promises were more of a dress rehearsal.

We'll see where it goes.

I have a feeling that some guys might be regretting keeping me waiting.

But then again, had I been important enough to them to begin with, they wouldn't have kept me waiting.

Decisions...

Met with someone who turned out to be unexpectedly cuddly, yesterday.

We met on OKC, and he's delightfully verbose. He's very 'Sheldon'. Down to using the word 'coitus' instead of 'sex'. I like that about him. He's tall and skinny, and super cute.

The Unicorn really talked his ear off though. The last time she did that with a potential, the guy bolted and I've not heard from him since.

This one bolted too. But he messaged me after. He felt the Unicorn was a normal 13-year-old. He even told me that he'd check his schedule on when he could come over again. This time sans Unicorn.  :)

--

Echo is amazing. Every time we chat, it's just so wonderful to feel the depth of that connection that we share. He's talking about coming to stay with me for a whole week! Part of that deliberately when I have the Unicorn. Just to get to know her better, earn her approval, *heh* and to take her Pokemon hunting.

So far, he's the kind of Dominant that would love to lay claim.

What holds me back is the promises I've made to the Dragon and to Daddy…

But, these are guys who haven't come back for their own reasons.

If that connection is really there… if he spends a whole week owning me. Shouldn't I give those bonds to him?

This part is really confusing for me.

--

I also had a sit down with the Unicorn to discuss what I should do about Bran. I know his being gone has pushed me to new areas of growth and recovery. Bran says people were telling him that he was my crutch. I'm beginning to realize he was much more of an albatross. He was the one holding me back. And now look at me…

So, I asked the Unicorn what I should do.

She says that when Bran and I cohabitate again. I should make sure that I have my own space that is exclusively mine and where I CAN continue to entertain guests. Who knows, Bran might even allow for overnights so that he can get some more restful sleep in his own bed.

I think she's right.

I hope Bran can agree to those terms.

Echoing Lurves...

*grumble*

So, aside from the minor 'Merry Christmas' tap from Gingersnap. Nothing. No reply to my tackle hug or anything. This is starting to get frustrating. I just went ahead and archived him again. I'll respond to a tap in hopes of kicking off a conversation. But, I'm not going to tap out anymore. I have more attentive potential sweeties who are proving to be more worthy of my time.

--

So… on that note. Echo and I are all the way up to the L word. We're using 'Lurve', because it speaks stronger of the detachment that we both need to feel secure in. But also calls out to the fact that there is a very mutual attachment as well.

There's even been talk of him spending multiple days with me, and timing it so that he can spend time with the Unicorn too. He's told me how rare it is that he would even offer such a thing.

We're just so much alike. Both Borderline. Both writers. And our Dom/sub styles are opposite sides of the same coin.

But, he also understands completely about Bran and says that he'd never try to get between us, no matter how strongly this thing builds between us.

It's still scary.

How many times has Lurve gotten me in trouble?

Happy Xmas...

Or not…

I'm lonely, and I hate being alone like this. With Bran gone this day just doesn't feel right in any way. I feel empty without the promise of Chinese food and a day in with Netflix. I don't even know if he's going to call me today. He probably won't. He probably won't be able to get away from that back stabbing bitch long enough to make any part of today count.

Worse, yesterdays yoga was a total bust. I just couldn't find my center. I wound up doing some quick clean up and soaking a load of dishes before a potential came over.

Ugh… I don't even know how to express my disappointment there. He's nowhere near as Intelligent as I like my sweeties to be. The sex was substandard. And he said he's Definitely. Coming. Back.

I know he needs it. I know I’m being called to healer duty for someone who is also being hit hard by lies and betrayal around this time of year. And I don't mind giving. Shit, I've been all about the take when it comes to my sweeties. I had to have known the price would eventually be giving. I'm okay with that.

Giving DID help me.

I'm not stewing in resentment towards Bran today. So, that's a plus side.

My current narrative is suffering from an identity crisis though. So, writing is a bit of a bust. I have a request in for a gift membership to Scrib. I don't know yet if I will get it. I'm hopeful that I will. Otherwise Scrib will have to come out of my February GA. January's GA is going towards web site hosting. There will probably be enough cash left over for me to get a hair cut. It is so badly needed.

On the sweetie front, I'm toying with two new code names. You know how I like to hold back on those until I'm sure, right?

… well…  I'm feeling pretty confident about these to.

If I stay with the military call signs, potential #1 would be Echo. And holy fuck if that isn't appropriate. We're stunningly compatible on just about every level and he's a BPD as well. We both agree that our similarities will be an awesome combination.

The other, I think I'll hold off on, for now. His military call sign would be Romeo, and I'm going to be just as stingy with that one as I am Alpha.

Fuck Christmas.

Today is just another day.

---

UPDATE:

I held off on posting this until I had told Echo about his name and GINGERSNAP JUST CHECKED IN!!  OMG OMG OMG…

Fuck…

I love him so much.

Wading through the swamps of sadness...

The Unicorn went home to her dads last night. This was after we finished all of the Supernatural that's currently on Netflix. She dealt with the 'show hole' by getting further into Naruto.

So, here I am. Alone again on a holiday where it's been just me and Bran for so many years.

I would be lying if I said there isn't resentment there. I hate the fact that he won't be with me and ordering Chinese food tomorrow.

--

I’m conflicted on the sweetie front.

I miss Gingersnap terribly. At this point, I have to believe it's more than just the snow keeping us apart. It reads to me like he's gone into some sort of hiding and I'm not far enough into his sphere to be a trusted form of stress release. *sigh* it is what it is.

I promised Daddy that he'd be the only one I'd ever call Daddy. I'm regretting that promise now. I've exchanged messages with a potential (no code name, yet) who gives me the read of being a very protective Daddy Dom. He's comfortable with me keeping my promise. But, there is still a part of me that wants to honor him by being able to call him something wonderful during our play time. I just don't know what that might be yet.

Two more potentials on the radar. One I met on Cuddle Comfort and who would like to come over today after I'm done getting my house back in order. The other who might be coming over tomorrow night.

*sigh again*

Right now I'd do just about anything to get Gingersnap off my mind.

I'm sorry Gingersnap...

I hate it.

But, I did it.

I archived Gingersnap again.

*sigh*

There's just… only so much 'no contact' I can take.

I'm not sure, but I might have lost Whiskey as well. I can't see a profile for him anymore, which means one of two things. Either he deleted his account, or he blocked me. *sigh again*

On the upswing, I had a really good, long conversation last night. This one doesn't get a code name, yet. But he's a strong 'honorable mention'.

Tonight the first staycation with the Unicorn comes to a close. *shrug* I didn't make plans with anyone else. I left it open just in case Gingersnap decides to tap in. But, we're getting snow today… so… yeah… that's not going to happen.

Really, it's not that I don't believe in him. (I mean, it sorta is, but) It's more that I don't want to be a pest.

Super hopeful about the other guy, though!!

We connect on a lot of levels. Even down to the BPD, Empathy and Healer abilities. So, that's totally bad ass.  *weak smile*

His style of Domination is very protective and passionate.

Ye gods... 

I so need that in my life right now.

Just to feel safe with someone again... that would mean so much to me.

No Cookie for You...

I woke up in that pretty dark place where I'm losing faith in Gingersnap again. I've tapped in once every couple of days and haven't received anything in return. It might be time to try archiving him again and see how long it takes for him to tap back.

I've been getting a lot of offers to snuggle. But, I've not been able to take anyone up on them. The Unicorn is with me until just after the new year, with the exception of Christmas Eve/Day. Call me crazy, but I'm totally leaving those days open for Gingersnap, just in case.

Normally that would have been a move that I made for the Dragon. So, I think it's safe to say that relationship has been trumped by Gingersnap. Which, albeit, we knew. But it feels different to note that here.

The writing is going well. Better than I could have hoped, even. I'm 24 chapters in and gearing up for the crisis and after image. Just a mere 20K away from the finish line and no Scrib Premium membership in sight. Hell, as it is, Nick and I are about to lose our domains anyway. Hopefully those can stick around until the first. Then, fuck it. I only really need a hair cut and some turmeric. I can choose to salvage the domain names or get the Scrib membership. I'll choose to salvage the domain names and pay for Scrib out of the February influx of petty cash.

Unless I'm lucky enough to win a writing contest.

That would be epically bad ass!!

I'm most certainly going to enter into any 'cash prize' contest there is once I get premium back. Hell, by then I'll be able to post ALL of the story and able to start making edits based on the crits.

Shit, I hope it's well received.

It's been awhile since I've put so much of my heart into a story.

Beyond finishing the current narrative, and entering contests. I'm not actually sure of what else there is for me. I know I'm not finishing my NaNo trilogy. It's just too risqué. I might revisit that one after I've made a name for myself as an author, but not before.

That leaves so much open.

Where is the next narrative going to take me?

What hidden desires will be revealed to me when I finish the current work?

I don't know…

Actually, It's kind of liberating to not have such hell bent direction for once.

It actually kinda feels like the possibilities are endless.

Heh…

Go me

Self-Esteem Issues 0 | ImariiStarre 3

Lou checked in with me yesterday. That was a surprise. I was kind of under the impression that our first date had been a one time thing for him. But, then, there he was, tapping in. I like him a lot. He's a body builder and I do have a weakness for muscles. Our first date, he was straight to business. The door had barely hit him in the ass before he had me in the bedroom and naked.

Hot damn. For some reason I respected the hell out of that.

I think it's my self-esteem issues at play there. So often, when I'm with someone, I'm always questioning whether or not they really want to be there. Especially if their so much prettier or healthier than I am. After the awesome sex we ended up talking sci-fi for a bit. Turns out he's pistol whip smart! And HOT! OMG… all muscle and brains too? What a power combination! The man knows quantum physics and we were even discussing the paradox of time travel.

WOW…

And then, nothing.

But, he checked in with me yesterday. I was surprised and happy!! I told him as much. That after the first date I always send just one 'thank you, would love to do it again'. And after that I let it drop just so I don't seem overly clingy if it was a one time thing. He told me 'we will definitely play again, I had a great time too.' I even mentioned my self-esteem issues and how much I respected him for not leaving me questioning him.

Wow… again… It made me feel so warm.

The other thing? I looked back over our chat/texts and it had only been TEN DAYS since our 'date'. That's it! Just 10 days. A week and a half. So, if Lou tapped back in... that leaves a LOT of doors still open.  :)

The Dragon checked in on me too!! He came SOO close to making it over for a quickie (despite both of our admissions that a quicky would never be enough) but then, car troubles. *sigh* We made tentative plans for this morning, but he hasn't checked in with me yet.

There's another honorable mention. No code name yet. He's been tapping in a bit. He's SO POLITE!! But, once he got to me he barely even stayed for a full hour. So, he tapped out even quicker than Ash did.

This one doesn't sting like Ash did,  though.

THAT is HUGE progress on the self-esteem front!

I haven't said thank you to him yet. I’m going to take care of that now.

:)

Self-esteem O | ImariiStarre 3

Fuck yeah.

The regrets of the day...

I think I accidentally killed things with a potential sweetie. He's not close enough to me to need a code name yet. We had plans to see each other last Friday and then the Unicorn had to come over early because she was sick. He came anyway, but only spent a little time with us. During that time I was honest with him about my mental illness, and I'm pretty sure I killed it before it even started.

I'm disappointed.

He was really hot.

*pout*

I have tonight and tomorrow off from Unicorn duty. I have some other potentials I'd really love to schedule an in-person interview with.

*sigh*

Wish me luck.

Uncertain territory, but I'm okay...

The Unicorn is sick. As a result our winter break staycation started more than a few hours earlier than planned. This impacted the first date with a new sweetie. He still came over and we introduced him to a new anime. He seemed to really enjoy himself, but there were no cuddles or hand holding or anything. So, I'm left questioning whether or not he's really into me.

I've been chatting with another potential too. This one and I connect well on some pretty serious fantasies. He's still only a potential, though. I'm not giving into emotions before their time anymore.

I recently opened myself back up to the public eye. Almost no one knows where I keep my journal or what I post to my hidden blog.

Someone connected to something bad is still a Facebook friend. I need to be careful about how much I let slip there. Some friends that I've reconnected with know the full story on why I disappeared. I won't be able to openly write about Bran until the spring, though.

I’m okay hiding. I know Bran needs it in order to remain drama free where he is right now. I'm surprised that it doesn't bother me as much as it did before when I was a secret. I don't like being treated as the mistress. But, I guess I just trust him more this time around.

I don't know where I am emotionally today… 

Lack of sleep I guess. The Unicorn kept me up kind of late. I hope she gets better soon. I don't like her being sick.

Tapping In... [#truefriendsneverdie]

I think crying it out helped a lot. I’m willing to bet that sometimes I bottle things up too much because I'm trying to prove it to myself, and everyone else, that I'm resilient enough to get through this. This causes that internal tension and conflict to build up and eventually I just need to let it loose.

Then, some asshole yesterday, guy couldn't take no for an answer. And as much as that's hot in some circumstances. This totally wasn't the right time an d place for someone to get bossy with me. First he demanded I add him on facebook. Then he demanded we talk voice. Then he demanded we video chat. And he was 'convinced' that he could just make me smile and 'all my problems', including my mental illness, were going to go away.

I wound up hardcore going off on him. And he just made it worse.

I also tapped the Kohai yesterday, no response tap yet.

I tapped lil'sis and told her how her karmafuckbomb was working out. It was all pretty much as expected. I touched base with some other people on Facebook too.

All of this went a long way towards making me feel better.

But, naturally, no one made me feel better than Gingersnap. *warm sigh* He tapped in just enough to let me know that he's okay, but he needs snuggles too. He says we'll see each other again soon.

I can't wait.

I seriously never stop thinking about him.

--

Oh, I'm buffing my social media integration again. So I'm trying to see what happens if I hashtag my blog titles.

Adventures in What the Fuckery...

I had the most amazing morning yesterday. I was so on top of everything. By the time my ride came at 12:45 I'd done coffee, morning yoga, a shower, a thousand words in Torvus and made myself a lovely breakfast of basted eggs.

My regular Wednesday appointments went down without a hitch. I even had a nice driver on the way home…

Not only that, but the second half of Torvus literally wrote itself in my mind on the way home. Everything I was having trouble figuring out just CAME TO ME.

And then once I got home I noted everything into Scrivener, and then…

I don't know what the fuck happened. But, it was like my whole world caved in.

I was forced to just take a break. Drink some wine and cry it out.

I was on the phone with Bran for part of that. Crying the whole time. I told him that he wouldn't break me if he decided to stay gone. I told him I'd just move the fuck on. He's the one who left me to fend for myself and despite the occasional depressive stint, I am THRIVING!

And I did figure out what was bothering me.

It's Daniel. The male half of my OTP. He's everything I want in a lover.

Gingersnap saw so much of himself in Daniel, he told me that's why he was so comfortable being himself with me. And I don't know what it is about him, but I 'sense' Daniel in him too.

So, this all comes down to "I found a Daniel", which I never expected would happen - and - my Daniel has no time for me, and I need him so much right now.

It's not Gingersnaps fault. I don't hold him responsible in any way. I just miss him.

I miss him, and it's making me sad…

It was just a 'one time thing'...

I'm really frustrated with the ethic of one night stands. I wrote Tango the morning after our encounter. I thanked him and told him I'd love to see him again.

Nothing.

Nada, zilch.

What the fuck?

It's like these guys are perfectly fine emailing and messaging endlessly as we build up to the encounter, but once they fuck me, they're done.

That's the trademark difference between a potential and a sweetie.

Gramarye, Daddy, and Gingersnap all keep in contact with me. And Gramarye was more than just a one time thing. Whisky is still around too, just busy. The Dragon and I never had sex, but we both know we will someday.

So, I guess I shouldn't be disappointed. There's always a possibility that Lou, Tango, or Noodles might check in again. But, I'm pretty sure that's just going to be for sex and that these people aren't interested in a friendship. So, seeing them again will be a matter of how hungry I am.

At least Ash no longer stings since Gingersnap entered the scene.

Don't even get me started on Nirvana. PHEW! Dodged a bullet there!

Check yourself before you wreck yourself...

... true words of wisdom.

So… last night was interesting.

Or, maybe I should start with what happened during the day.

I was chatting with a guy on OKC. I'd already blocked him from texting me to my Google Voice # once. But he seemed determined to reestablish contact. Fuck me. I came within an inch of blocking him again. But, for some reason I was able to get the chip off my shoulder, just long enough to give him a chance, and I'm really glad that I did.

As our conversation deepened during the day, I realized just how much he reminded me of Mahogany. I still miss Mahogany terribly, and I'm deeply saddened by how he just disappeared from my life. This guy… he seemed to be pretty determined to not do that to me.

In fact, I felt so confident about him that I actually already code named him before the in person 'first contact'. He's code named Tango.

I had originally made plans with Tango for last night, but then I totally forgot about them! I made plans with someone else that I feel really good about and I wound up double booked. I sacrificed Tango in favor of the other guy.

But, other guy didn't make contact all day.

That re-opened the door to make things right with Tango.

Tango even got off work early and brought a bottle of wine to our date.

The original plan was popcorn and a movie, then see where things go. LOL.  Yeah… I bet you can imagine.

Grand total, from both before and after 'fun', we only watched about half an hour of the movie.

He's a good lover. Very passionate. Very into foreplay and getting a girl worked up.

I'm really glad that I checked myself and gave him a chance. I feel awful for how I almost gave up on him, twice! I hope I'm able to make that up to him.

Who knows… maybe I already did?

--

This morning I'm up EARLY. Since my Tuesdays start earlier now, I'm getting up a full 2 hours early just so I can make sure to fit the yoga in.

That is AMAZING!!

The fact that I'm so into the movement now… I don't feel right if my morning doesn't include it. So I'm actually early to bed on Mondays and early to rise on Tuesdays. I FEEL SO GOOD!!

SO HAPPY!!

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!

Gingersnap checked in last night!

I'm not fucking kidding. He gave me a perfectly reasonable explanation on why he'd gone MIA. And I know now that between work and family, it might be awhile before we really see or speak to each other again. I'm just so fucking happy right now.

Nirvana is in the wind. I'm actually okay with this. Now that I really look back on things, it all seemed awfully cat-fishy. *shrug* whatever. It's cool. If he'd been a local I totally would have fucked him on spec. But asking me to spend almost $50 of money I don't have and need for my child to eat, just to have sex with him? Yeah, I'm sorry. No thanks. My Unicorn is more important than sex. I don't care how many positions he knew the names of.

Couple more potentials this week. No code names yet. One I'm excited about, and one I'm kinda blah about. Gramarye is seriously worried about how many strangers I invite into my home. But, I'm okay running my own show. At least I think I'm okay… I don't know if I should be setting up safe calls or anything. I've been fine so far.

But, seriously… Gingersnap is still with me. I could not possibly be happier about this.

Sweetie Report:

I have to keep reminding myself, dozens of times each day, that Gingersnap is not responsible for pandering to my insecurities.

Gods… this sucks.

I touched base with Gramarye yesterday. He's awesome. He's been busy, but he told me he's been thinking about me. I totally should have touched base with him before that. When the anal sex was more pain than pleasure, I SHOULD have checked in with him. He's my anal master. But, I figured it out on my own. I wasn't telling my lovers to 'warm me up' with the toys first. So, of course it hurt! I feel so stupid.

I did tap Whiskey yesterday, but I didn't get any reply.

The Dragon has been including me in his Snaps. So, that's been pretty sweet. I love looking at his gorgeous face and I still cant believe that someone so beautiful is interested in me.

There are a couple of honorable mentions. No one special enough to have earned a code name yet, but special enough that my last honorable mention (Ash) is a distant memory. Thank the gods. That rejection stung a little bit more than I would have liked.

Bran is doing okay. He's still with _her_ and there's nothing I can do about that. But he's been reporting in with his own Cougar News. I'm really hoping he gets to nail one of them soon.

It's snowing like crazy right now…

Damn…

I might not even hear from Gingersnap until the spring, and by that time Bran will be back.

Fuck, this hurts.

It pains me more than I could ever express in words…

I was forced to archive Gingersnap.

After so many unreturned texts… I mean, I can only wait so long before I give up.

This hurts so much. I really thought he and I had something special.

But, my writing is still on track (for the most part). So, losing him didn't cripple me at least.

I think part of that is due to Nirvana too.

Nirvana left me alone for pretty much all of yesterday. It felt good to get back on track with my regular order of operations. I was even able to get back to my yoga.  :)

I DID tap Whiskey yesterday. He's still with me!! Busy, but there.

I have the Unicorn this weekend. And next weekend I have her for pretty much her entire winter break.  :)

On the one hand...

I'm stuck on an internal conflict right now.

On the one side, I enjoy chit-chatting with Nirvana. He keeps my mind off Gingersnap, off Bran, off a lot of things really.

On the other side, my productivity TANKS because so much of my morning and early afternoon is getting taken up by him.

I have to ask myself, what is my productivity all about, really? It's about recovery, right? Yes.

So, isn't having healthy interpersonal relationships just as much a part of recovery too? Should I be snipping at him any more or any less than I've snipped at Bran in the past when he interrupted my writing?

Or should I take a step back, and appreciate the fact that I seem to have a healer in my midst. Perhaps someone who can make my need for recovery a distant memory.

I think I can answer that for myself.

I'm going to tap Whiskey later, ask him what he thinks about the most recent episode of Supernatural. Hopefully I get a tap back.

I’m considering archiving Gingersnap. I'm just not sure I can look at his empty/un-returned messages in my list anymore.

----

Update:

Just heard from Nirvana. Our plans for Monday have been aborted. Personal reasons on his end.

I'm okay. I needed to be able to feed my daughter for two weeks anyway.

And… okay, maybe it is time to re-reevaluate my goals.

Good.

Smells like soulmateSpirit...

So… now nothing from the Other Ginger either! Granted I know he has both work and school and I think he mentioned his free day is Friday. So, there's still a chance I might hear from him.

Gingersnap is still MIA. Even after I sent him pictures of my perfectly basted eggs last night.

*sigh*

I was crying last night.

Enter Nirvana to the scene.

I mentioned him at the tail end of my very last entry. This one has me both excited and scared. Not the same way that Gingersnap did.

Allow me to elaborate:

When he first started messaging me, I was in a foul as hell mood. I took an innocent statement the wrong way and then shredded him over propositioning me when he barely knows me. That was the same night that the Other Ginger came to visit me. Fuck it. We're just going to call him Whiskey. Since he brought me Whiskey.

Okay, so the day after Whiskey's visit I was feeling MUCH better. Not only from having fed (he was a good lover). But from getting a little bit drunk and from Whiskey triggering my period, which helped me bleed off some negative emotions.

So, Nirvana and I start chit-chatting and this time I'm so warm to him. And then I start finding out that he actually knows the names of ALL THE SEX POSITIONS. Okay, now we're getting somewhere. I can learn from this. It's research. I need to fuck this one, for science!

And then he asked me what turns me on.

I told him the non-sexual turn on is when someone reads my work and then 'learns' me, because my lead females are always me.

He took it a step further, claiming to be Daniel incarnate. Even going so far as telling me that he remembers being my ex-demon lover.

There's no way he could have known that's where Torvus is evolving. There's no way he could have known that Daniel himself will be giving that exact speech to Jessa at some point.

Nirvana is Incubus.

And he's hungry.

I have plans to throw all caution to he wind and meet him half way on Monday. It will take about $40 of my own (desperately slim pickings of) money up front, which he will reimburse me for the moment I get to the motel.

I know I want this.

I know I need this.

He still scares the crap out of me.

But…

We all know what I do to my fears, don’t we?

Wish Granted!

No, not Gingersnap. Different ginger… but, Gingersnap may have been right about infecting me with Ginger Fever.

On the night of the fifth, a different ginger contacted me via OKC just a little after 5pm. His note was very sweet, he felt that we'd make a great match and that we're looking for the same things. A quick jaunt to his profile, which practically screamed 'Big Goofy Nerd' in bright, blinking red neon. And I was done.

Well, okay… I was pretty much done from first contact. He lead with Supernatural and asked me if I was current. Even Bran had to admit that was enough for me to just hand over my panties right there and say "I won't be needing these". 

This one is now on record as the shortest courtship and fastest 'complete date' on record. He's going to be TOUGH to beat. Within half an hour of first contact, I was inviting him over. He got to my place around 6 and had to leave again at 8. We managed to cram dinner, drinks, awesome company/conversation, AND hot sex into that tiny little two-hour window.

Before he came over he asked if he should bring anything. I was still reeling from nightmare and just general 'bad day', so I said whiskey. And, omg, did he ever bring whiskey. The good stuff that had been given to him as a gift.

He wasn't really that hungry, but he tried my white goolash anyway. He said it was really good. By about 6:45/7pm I had said something to the effect of. "The downside of being on the couch is that it's a lot harder to transition into something more intimate, normally we'd be in the bedroom."

"Are you saying you'd like for things to get intimate."

"Well, yeah…"

So, move to the bedroom we did. He found out just how much I love having my hair pulled. And he stood near me while he was unwrapping the condom and told me (yes, I took an order, LOL. Fuck off) to remove his pants.

"All of it?"

"Your choice."

Oh… then I saw his enormous cock and I was REALLY done! I couldn't wait anymore (though I gave him a little tongue tease before the condom went on).

"Okay!" I said. "I’m going to need that inside me, like NOW!"

Oh… he was good… didn't cum, though. After he needed to stop because his heart was beating a million miles a minute he found out that I could deep throat a bit. He as so gentle as he put his hand on the back of my head and guided me up and down his cock. He came in my mouth and he was good. Not to thick or off-putting taste wise. Just the gooey, salty that I love.

That night, no nightmares.

Yesterday, all smiles despite getting my period.

Took the day off yesterday. I felt like I'd earned it.

Still not doing yoga today.

--

Also, talking to someone new on OKC. Not sure what to say about him. Just that I get a good feeling about him. We'll see. He lives kind of far away.