And around again...

It took me awhile to admit that I was in the grip of another death spiral, but once I did I couldn't stop crying. *sigh* Dammit, I fucking hate these things.

And it's a combination of factors, as usual:

We're hot on the heels of Bran's 11 month mark.

The Date on Wednesday being the suck.

And PMS… because there's always got to be the PMS.

The good news is that once I start actively bleeding the hormones will regulate, and then I should get over the bad date fairly quickly. Then it's just a matter of sucking it up about Bran.

I might have to get used to the fact that he'll be gone more than a year, because with no light at the end of the tunnel yet… it seems unlikely that he'll be coming back within the next month.

I have to own the fact that it sucks.

Once I realized I was in the death spiral I did the only thing I could. The one thing that was expected of me. The one thing that I knew I was supposed to do.

I reached out to the Blue Falcon.

Yes, he's busy as fuck.

But if I rode this out alone and he found out about it, he would have been upset with me for not reaching out to him.

As usual, I got lucky. He was able to wrap things he needed to do up quickly and he spent the whole evening with me because that's what he does.

I tap him when I'm in trouble and he comes to my rescue, every fucking time.

And every time I have to remind myself that he won't always be there. It's just that he's been a huge factor in my surviving the last six months.

I hope he can stick around until Bran gets back.

*sigh*

Anyway…

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - / - Writing - No movement here. I had an errand to run yesterday morning and after the random adulting I knew I couldn't have come back to this. It's like I need to be sitting uninterrupted at my computer to get anywhere with this.

I'm not sure what today will hold - I SHOULD do something - but part of me doesn't want to, because…

 - Reading - Yeah, the book I started reading? Totally addicted. Now I just want to find out what happens in that story instead of working on trying to fix my own.

Maybe that's not such a bad thing? Maybe reading is all a part of my reboot?

Fuck, I don't know.

 - Sleep / Fitbit - In bed on time, snoozed for half an hour, up in the middle of the night for bathroom and water refill. 8 hours 22 minutes, 4x awake, 15x restless, 47 minutes awake/restless.

 - Fur-babies - Splotches is here right now, even after being given the option to go outside. He's being a tad indecisive about it, though.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

Meh…

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - We talked in the morning, and then in the prevening just as the Blue Falcon was on his way to pick me up. The Blue Falcon even called while we were on the phone and that caused a tiny bit of a cluster fuck. Bran decided not to call me on his way home because he knew I was going to be with the Blue Falcon.

There's a code of mutual respect there.

The Blue Falcon would be mortified if he knew that he interrupted any Bran time. But, it's really okay. Bran doesn't like interrupting us because he can't really speak freely. He often likes to bitch about things work or home related and I'm pretty sure he's just not comfortable doing that with the Blue Falcon listening in.

It is what it is.

He also knows that I was in a death spiral (possibly still am, too early to tell), and he knew the Blue Falcon was my best way out, so he would have wanted to make sure that was uninterrupted as well.

He hasn't called yet this morning and I’m looking forward to hearing from him. I want to hear all of what I would have missed last night.

 - The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ If you're a reader and having trouble keeping the code named sweeties straight, look up above this entry and below the header. There's a link to a list of names/bio's there. - this is a work in progress, so if you're a sweetie and you don't see your name listed, don't worry, I'll get to you. ]

 - Recent Encounters - Nothing new to report.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - So, he got to me just before 6 PM and he brought up some food that had been left behind at his old apartment by his former roommate. Pretty much all of it is things I will eat except for the SPAM. So, that I'll take to the food shelf the next time I go, which should be next week.

That left us with just a few things that he needed to bring up to his place.

Yes, I should have mentioned that.

Since he's got his own place without roommates now, he's much more comfortable hosting. So, most of the time we go to his place now. Which isn't bad. I like his place and he has some very friendly cats to cuddle. Not to mention a nice TV and a Steamlink.

So, that left us with the decisions on what to do. I'd already eaten but he hadn't yet, so he served himself some leftovers and offered me a really tasty cream soda to drink. (and an onion to eat, one of the small ones that's mostly chive, interesting combination!)

It was my turn to pick the movie, so we watched House of the Devil, which is arguably not the greatest movie ever made, but I just love it because of the aesthetic. He suffered through it quite well. My next pick is Stage Fright and I'm sure he'll like that a lot more.

After the movie I made sure that he knew about Eddie Izzard and the Star Wars Canteen.

Then it was his turn to educate me.

He had me play a few rounds of The Stanley Parable. It's a good game with some pretty endless permutations and I can see where it would be loads of fun, but I wanted to snuggle.

Something's been 'off' in our snuggles lately.

He's so scatterbrained that he snuggles for like 2 minutes and then he rolls away from me and starts talking about things that he's still sorting through.

It's a bit frustrating.

So, it was a fairly unsatisfying and short cuddle session and then he drove me home. I had enough time to get a quick dinner and about two more chapters in before I went to bed.

Now I need to leave him alone again for a little bit, I think.

But I think he wants me at his next movie night on Sunday, so that should be fun.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - Nothing new…

 - The Hopefuls - … to report.

 - Honorable Mentions - There was a guy on Fet the last couple of days who really wanted to get together with me. But in the throws of the death spiral, that's just not going to happen. I eventually had to tell him to back off because he was just being way too pushy about it. Luckily for me, he did back off after that. He said he didn't realize he was being pushy.

End Notes:

I did talk to the Blue Falcon a bit about my sweetie/boy/cub trouble. His suggestion was that I need to get out and socialize more. Make some friends. Develop a social circle.

He's right!!

The downside of a good social group is that there would be few chances of a Cougar/cub relationship brewing anywhere… but still… it would be a good thing to try getting together with some people.

I just don't socialize well.

That's the reason why the Blue Falcon and I are so good together. We have very compatible 'weird' and it's going to be hard to find that with anyone else.

I do need to find a way to be more open to it though…

… somehow.