Great, now I’m crying again.

So, August is almost over… and still no movement on Bran's end… in a little more than two short weeks he'll have been gone for a year.

This could not possibly suck any worse.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - I don't even know what to talk to Valkyrie about this week. The possibility of Bran not coming home? The possibility of losing the Blue Falcon because I set him up with someone? It's all just a blur of suck.

 - Writing - My vacation is almost at an end… still, no words coming my way… but this morning I did get the idea of skipping around and only writing the scenes that started coming to me… not sure what the fuck that will do to my word count, but whatever. As long as I get something down, right? I can always edit it later.

 - Reading - The reading is going really well and I'm liking it way more than the crappy horror movies I was trying to watch to keep myself entertained in the evenings. I really love leaving positive Amazon reviews too.

Bran wanted to disown me when he found out my method of picking the new thing to read.

I scroll all the way to the back (the oldest downloaded) of my Kindle App carousel, and then counting from the back I roll a D20 to pick out my book.

It's just way easier for me that way. I don't have to waffle about anything. I just go.

Bran was mostly upset that I use a virtual D20 app on my phone. He would have forgiven me if I'd actually had a real D20 laying around somewhere.

I think he forgot that he has all the game dice with him. *smirk*

 - Sleep / Fitbit - 7 hours 46 minutes, 2x awake, 20x restless, 41 minutes awake/restless.

That's a LOT more restless than normal. I wonder if the late caffeine consumption yesterday is to blame?

 - Fur-babies - Nothing new to report.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

Fuck off

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - We got to talk last night, but I don't remember what we talked about. I know I apologized a lot for missing the morning call, but he didn't seem to care much about that.

I'm sorry. I wish I had more to tell you, but I've got nothing.

The closer we get to that one year mark, the closer I get to another meltdown… the more I know that this is just not going to end. He's just gone and no one knows when he's coming back.

I was able to hold onto a year as a hope… a light at the end of the tunnel… but there's just nothing.

 - The Unicorn - She was forced to leave me for a little bit yesterday even though she really didn't want to go. She was upset about that and I don't blame her. She wanted to allocate yesterday to watching more Buffy/Angel with me and getting our bonding in.

She didn't even end up going to that stupid air show because of the fucking weather. She just ended up going to see a parade instead. She was back with me earlier than expected and we got to get some good Buffy/Angel time in any way. (harumph!)

We're going to do more Buffy/Angel today, and then I have a friend coming over later just to meet her. At least I HOPE I do. It depends on whether or not he got the day off of work.

He's an Indigo child and only 5 years older than the Unicorn. They will have SO MUCH SPIRITUAL stuff to talk about!!

She really needs that, so I'm hoping he can make it.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ If you're a reader and having trouble keeping the code named sweeties straight, look up above this entry and below the header. There's a link to a list of names/bios there. - this is a work in progress, so if you're a sweetie and you don't see your name listed, don't worry, I'll get to you. ]

 - Recent Encounters - Nothing new to report.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - We're back to the great grand back off again… even though I know his schedule is starting to free up a little bit between the moving apartments, I know he still has a lot of other stuff on his plate and other friends demanding his attention.

He's made it clear that he _does_ LOVE hanging out with me, but sometimes I get the feeling that too much of a good thing? You know?

So, I'm backing off.

He'll contact me when he wants to get together again.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - Nothing new to report.

 - The Hopefuls - I don't know if you remember me mentioning the guy who flirted with me for two years before I met Bran? Yeah, he's still there. But he's made the decision to no longer discuss sex in text. I guess I'm not the only one who got on his case about that. I think he's on the right track with keeping his conversations clean. I am REALLY looking forward to seeing him. I owe him some 'making up for lost time'.

 - Honorable Mentions - I think I might have mentioned this guy I met on Fet. A few years older than me, but aware of my status as a Cougar. Super sweet and content to leave our conversation as 'just friends'.

I really need that right now.

The Blue Falcon brought it to my attention that I have literally NO FRIENDS. I've been so focused on recruiting sweeties that I've deadlocked myself into this pattern of just being used for sex and that's not serving me at all. He's absolutely right. I need friends and I need them badly. I need people I can just be close to without sex being an expectation.

So, this guy from Fet could be a pivotal turning point for me if I can just keep things clean and not accidentally slip into flirting. I do really enjoy our conversations and his virtual company. I'm looking forward to meeting him in person soon.

*sigh*

It would just be so great to have a friend… someone other than the Blue Falcon that could be a support system when things fall apart. Because they ARE going to fall apart.

Things are going to get so much worse before they get better, and I need to start preparing for that.

End Notes:

I’m on the phone with Bran now and it's pretty much confirmed. He would have to have the promotion or the job offer already in the bag in the next day or two if he was going to be back before the year was up, and I don't see that happening.

He's going to be gone longer than a year.

He's going to be with HER for longer than a year.

And I'm just alone with barely anyone to turn to.

Great, now I’m crying again.