Barely on second
coffee and I've already had a lovely chat with Bran this morning. I'm not sure
why he was heading into town so early, but it was a great way to start the day.
We didn't really get to chat on his commute home last night, so this sort of felt
like it made up for it.
I think he's going
to call back before he starts work, but I'm not sure. Something might tie him
up.
Still, it was a good
start to the day.
Mental Health / Unfuck
Yourself:
- Therapy - I
had a lovely chat with Valkyrie yesterday. She's been re-watching select
'funny' episodes of Supernatural to fill the show hole. She's one step closer
to being one of us. Pretty soon she'll be watching the whole series again while
she's in the hole. Her conversion is almost complete.
I did say hi to her
from Pathfinder. Se smiled and said hi back.
She had more of an
emotional reaction to the Blue Falcon's 'I love you' than I did. She made a
pretty big deal about it even though I was still trying not to. She was just as
shocked as I was, that's for sure, but she was really amazed that he got there with
me.
This still doesn't
mean any changes for the trajectory of our relationship, though. As a Cougar, I
recognize that my cub has grown and reached his nesting phase. He's ready to be
a husband and a father and that's a life that I can not give him. This is the
part in every Cougar's life where it's time to let go.
The sexual
relationship just isn't needed anymore.
It's still hard. It
still hurts. It's still going to suck. But, it's the right thing to do.
Thankfully there's
no one even blipping the Blue Falcon's radar yet, so I've still got some time
with him. Maybe even some time to weasel out a few more 'I love you's' out of
him.
Valkyrie also
listened to my current battle plan on overcoming the writers block. She's
pretty amused and amazed that I prepared for this. Exactly this. The fact that
I've kept these journals for as long as I have, just so I would have pain to
look back on if I ever reached a point in my life where I was healed enough to
not be able to reach it on my own anymore.
She finds it funny
that I planned ahead, specifically using the words 'harvest the pain'. For some
reason it just gives her the giggles. But she loves it.
She loves the crap
outta me, you know that?
It's shit like this…
my journal of painful memories to look back on if I ever need it… it's things
like this that are the reason why our sessions make her week. She literally
can't survive without hearing what I've come up with next and watching me go through
my ups and downs… joining me on my journeys… she loves it…
I have the most rock
star therapist.
- Writing - So,
it's a really slow process on the whole writers block thing. I'm only reading
one of Geminae's crits a day and I'm making notes on the BIGGER changes that he
would like to see. Just so it's less strain on me and I'm not pushing myself to
be really creative right there on the spot.
I'm supposed to be
using the rest of my productive hours to write critiques and possibly work on
some Ghost Story installments, but we've hit the Tuesday/Wednesday holes where
I have places to be during the day and the productive hours are squashed.
Tomorrow I'm not
going to be getting back to it either because I'll be helping out the Blue
Falcon with some packing and moving, or unpacking and settling… I'm not sure
which. But he asked for me and dammit I'm going to fucking be there!!
Friday might see it
happen, but the formula will be short lived because the Unicorn is with me this
weekend and I don't dare try to work with her here.
Next week looks
promising, though…
I'll let you know
how it goes.
- Sleep /
Fitbit - Got to bed late again… stupid horror movie addiction. *pout*
(hit the snooze for half an hour this morning too… was tempted to go longer but
forced myself out of bed) …
7 hours 32 minutes,
3x awake, 14x restless, 39 minutes awake/restless…
Eventually I'll get
back on top of having a regular sleep schedule again… it's just my shitty self
discipline that's holding me back.
- Fur-babies - Catmom
was desperate yesterday. She had shit to do and both Dreamy and Splotches were
really antsy and driving her crazy. So, she brought them over, hoping I could
calm them down. Neither cat requested snuggles, but just being in my apartment
has the same effect on them. They love it here. It settled them down right
away. Catmom was very thankful.
She says it's magic…
but I know it's just the positive energy that I put into my environment that
the cats can sense. They know it's good here.
Physical Health / Unfuck
Yourself:
- INR - Test
today… I'm back to eating the ramen with the Green Dragon hot sauce, so I
adjusted my meds back to normal too. Hopefully I'll get out of there without an
extra puncture wound today.
- Nervous
System - Adjustment today. I'm looking forward to it.
- Exercise/Yoga
- The Blue Falcon will be getting on top of me more about this once I
have my iron supplements and I'm not getting light headed anymore.
Relationships / Family:
- Bran - He
was very sweet and fed my sadistic soul this morning. He told me all about the
very recent, complete and total meltdown that _she_ had. She's going on and on
about how he doesn't help more with the demon hell-spawn.
I love it that he
makes her so miserable.
I love it even more
that he's so over this whole 'dad' thing. At least where those abominations are
concerned. He still regards the Unicorn as his step-daughter and he'll take
care of her no questions asked.
But _her_ kids… he's
over it.
We talked last night
for a little bit about another good experience he had at work. Yet another
promotion that they're talking about for him that will make the other promotion
more likely and also increase his chances of coming home sooner rather than later.
Pretty soon… we
don't know when… but pretty soon, this will all be behind him.
_Her_ and her demon
hell-spawn will not be his problem anymore and absolutely no one cares what
happens to _her_ then.
I'm pretty sure
she'll go back to her parents and then emotionally/mentally/spiritually she's
going to hit bottom so hard it will nearly kill her.
But it won't kill
her.
She'll grow.
Maybe she'll even
grow up enough to realize what she did wrong and I might get a real apology
someday, but I doubt it.
She'll have to grow,
though. For her kids sake. She'll have to move on from Bran.
Time will tell.
- The Unicorn -
Nothing new to report.
Relationships / Sweeties:
[ If you're a reader and having
trouble keeping the code named sweeties straight, look up above this entry and
below the header. There's a link to a list of names/bio's there. - this is a
work in progress, so if you're a sweetie and you don't see your name listed,
don't worry, I'll get to you. ]
- Recent
Encounters - I was supposed to have a date last night and this time it's
my fault that it didn't happen. I can't go into details, but I was needed
elsewhere.
- Updates on
Favorites -
- Blue Falcon -
I know that tomorrow is a 'busy things' day for us. I'm going to be
there to help… but fuck me I want naked snuggles.
I want him to slip
again and say he loves me.
Shut up.
I still fully intend
to let him go. Don't worry. It's fine.
I just want him to
miss it a little bit when the 'sweetie' part of our relationship is done.
Okay…
Yes, okay…
I want him to miss
it a lot.
There.
Happy?
Relationships / Potentials
and Honorable Mentions:
- The One
Timers - Nothing new…
- The Hopefuls
- … to report.
*sigh* whatever… I'm
not going to lie, it's a nice fantasy. At least the rough sex part of it. But,
I don't know. I just have zero interest here.
I think this all
loops back around to something else the Valkyrie said to me yesterday.
She says I'm being
fed in other ways right now and that I don't exactly need the physical
companionship or the sex to feed right this second, so the calls are backing
off.
She's totally right.
Hell Pathfinder can feed me from miles away just by thinking about me.
I guess, now that I
know how good things can be… I'm not willing to settle for less than what I
deserve.
I just updated this
guys message tone to Dean saying 'Don't objectify me'. - LOL, finally someone
where that one fits!
End Notes:
Bran should be at
work now… so I didn't get that second call after all.
It's okay. This is
how it is with him sometimes. He says he'll call back in two seconds and it
never happens. He just has shit to take care of on his end. It's okay.
This is going to be
over soon… I can feel it…
And then he and I
start over too.
After about a year
apart, give or take, we're going to need to get used to each other again. He'll
be de-stressing over not having those hell-spawn or a screeching harpy to deal
with. And I'm going to have to get used to sharing my space with someone again.
I will also have to
get used to losing a significant amount of my freedom. I won't be able to play
with just whomever, whenever anymore.
Maybe I won't need
the sweeties/cubs…
*sigh*
But I really just
want at least 'one' side relationship that's like what I have with the Blue
Falcon, and I want it to last for a long time before I have to let it go.
That's not too much
to ask… is it?
Still… one would
hope that once I have my Raven Boy (Bran) back, I won't need the sweeties
anymore.
One would hope.
No comments:
Post a Comment