Problem solved, and miracles do happen...

I've been working very hard at being a much kinder and considerate person. My goals include such things as anticipating needs, asking if people need things if I'm already up, or surprising them with little treats when I can.

There's more too.

Take last night for example: Bran wasn't ready to sleep until it was already two hours past my regular bed time, and even though this upset me on some level because he knew that I had to be alert at an early hour today, I held back on getting frustrated with him. 1) he's the one with the day job, his sleep is more important. If I would have asked him to try to sleep before he was ready, his insomnia would have kicked in and he would have been the one awake all night. 2) he's the one with the day job. If I have to, I can take a fucking nap in the middle of the day. He doesn't have that luxury.

So, I hold back on my shit. Yes, I was frustrated, but I felt it was really important to not let that frustration get the better of me and to not let it ruin what would be a perfectly loving night sleeping next to my husband.

Also, the point became moot anyway. I woke up to a text from my case worker telling me that she wouldn't be able to keep our appointment this morning anyway, so I got to sleep in those extra two hours that I missed last night.

Problem solved, and miracles do happen.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Therapy – Now, the trick with this new outward appearance is to not end up treated like a door mat. Somehow I'm going to still have to stand up for myself when the situation warrants it. That's going to be difficult... the 'knowing when how much is too much'. Knowing when to draw the lines. I’m sure Valkyrie can help me here. I don't want to present as some sort of push over. I just want to present as someone truly loving who wants to take care of my partner and my child.

- Writing – On hold till next week.

- Reading – Still pretty 'Meh', although Veil of Darkness is just starting to pick up speed with only 10% left in the story. Which means I'm probably walking headlong into a cliffhanger. *facepalm* This worries me. The author is one of my Facebook friends and I want to support him, but if this is the kind of material he pushes... then I honestly have no desire to read more.  

- Sleep / Fitbit – 8 hours 19 minutes, 3x awake, 11x restless, 26 minutes awake/restless - so, you see? Actually a really good night anyway!

- Fur-babies – I love how comfortable Dreamy is here. He had no trouble going entirely tits up during his nap. Just four paws and ten claws all up in the air while he dreamed his little Dreamy dreams. It was fucking adorable.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Blood Sugar – So, I’m back to fucking forgetting to check every fucking morning... go me... except not.

- INR – Can't remember the reading, but it was good. All normal. Yay...

- Exercise/Yoga - I still really want to do the DDP Yoga, but I have a feeling that the only way that's going to happen is if I either talk Bran into doing it with me, or if I buy the DVD's on my own and get out of bed way before he does in the mornings. This would put morning snuggles in detriment, as well as morning sex, so I'll have to really think this through and decide if the trade offs are worth it.

Bran also makes a lot of noises about wanting to join a gym, but we need to repay the Blue Falcon first.

- Weight Management – Still in a bad place here, but hopefully once Bran's bills even out we'll be able to afford to get me Paleo again, then we should see some improvement.  

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – I struggle a lot with my abandonment issues when he runs errands every night. For the past year+ errands were his chance to call and talk to me. So, how do I know he doesn't have someone else out there that he's calling and chatting about a future with? How do I know what's going on in his mind?

It sucks... this lack of trust... it's going to take so long for me to trust him fully again.

There wasn't much in the way of cuddles during sleep last night... but the wake up cuddles were very much there. Highlighted by the fact that I forgot to set the program button on my coffee maker last night.  

Cuddles elevated into an opportunistic Mo groping when he reached for his phone. This mattured to some direct skin on skin Mo petting...  

Then he tried really hard to get up and get dressed for work, but he didn't make it very far. Soon I was scooted to the edge of the bed while he tested out the traction of the bedroom carpet on bare feet.

One thing I'm really noticing is how unaccustomed I am to his raw length and girth. I don't know what the fuck is up with that. If it's just that I've been screwing less endowed men for the last year+ or that I just haven't been screwing him for the last year+… all I really know is that penetration with him feels really good, but it's also stretching me to the point of discomfort.

It's really nice!!

So, after a quick romp he was able to get dressed and go to work without further complications from an overactive Mo.

- The Unicorn – She got to my place at 9 last night, and I was sad that Bran was still running errands because I was really hoping to surprise her with his presence. As it stood, she saw all his stuff here and instantly guessed that he was home, but then I didn't tell her 'yes or no' on that.

Then he called to be let in and I had him on speaker. She lost her mind and I sent her down to let him in.

Bran took a bath while she and I went through two episodes of Voltron and one episode of Angel. Then it was time for her to go to bed.

We woke her up this morning so she could move from the living room sofa to the bedroom so Bran could work. She tried to go right back to sleep, but that's when Dreamy came over. She still didn't wake up all the way then.

That was about the time I was ready to start Coffee and Contemplation. I made a wonderful discovery when looking for a browser app in the X-Box app store (Bran has an X-BOx), I discovered that there was actually a CW app!! So I was able to do Coffee and Contemplation on the big TV without complication. The Unicorn woke up during this and watched an episode of Riverdale with me.

I totally blipped, though. That’s when I should have brought her some tea. I did bring her some, but I was already on final coffee when I did.

After my show I turned the controls over to her. She's happily watching Anime next to me while I'm working on this entry.

She also wanted to have eggs for breakfast at the same time I was eating. She usually eats two eggs, basted; I usually eat thee eggs, scrambled with cheese and then smushed between two slices of dry toast. So, that's what I was going for, but that's not how it turned out.

I cracked my three eggs into a larger pan to scramble them, and then I tried to crack the Unicorn's eggs into the smaller pan to baste them, but I couldn't get a clean crack! The yolks kept breaking and then I kept throwing them in with my eggs while I said 'Son-of-a-Bitch!' so loudly Dean would have been proud. Eventually I had to give up and I made scrambled eggs with close to a dozen eggs. I added cheese and then buttered and strawberry jellied a couple slices of toast.

It was a very big breakfast for both of us.

She didn't care.

She only wanted to have eggs for breakfast with mom. She didn't care that I fucked them up. She was happy to just be with me.

I fucking love my spawn.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Updates on Favorites -  

- Blue Falcon – I admit it. I'm not ready to give him up yet. I still want him as my cuddle buddy and lover.

I agree with him that I should focus my attention on Bran right now.

I agree with him that I should help him with his dating profiles and I should be working on getting him a future mate right now.

But, there's this part of me that REALLY wants to have him as a lover just a little bit longer before I have to give him up completely.

I know... it's selfish... but I still love him and I still want him.

After this past year, who could really blame me.

- Sweeties -

- Bear – I'm going to take Bear out after this entry. We're going to be radio silent for a while... there's no point in keeping him here just so I can say that there's nothing new to report.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

 - Pathfinder – Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

Nothing new to report.

End Notes:  

It's been a really good day so far. I’m enjoying the slow pace and the 'getting to things' a lot later than normal.

I know I should knit today, but I don't feel like it.

To be honest, I really don't know what I want to do with the rest of my day...

I think I'll read.

Yeah, reading sounds good.

The mistakes I make some days...

This morning as I was making the bed (yes, I make the bed) I was cleaning up some stuff on Bran's side. I was about to throw away a bakery bag when I realized there was still a doughnut in there. He said it was probably stale and told me I should feed it to the urban wildlife, but I can't bear to see food go to waste, so I ate it.

While I was still drinking my morning coffee.

Right before the final coffee, in which I indulge in real sugar and whole milk.

It was a stale, cake, sugar doughnut, by the way.

Now my tummy is SO mad at me. Just nauseous as all get out.

The mistakes I make some days...

… sheesh.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Therapy – I did take Valkyries advice on addressing any possible insecurities on Bran's end. This seems to have had the desired effect (so far) - I will continue with this process.

- Writing – I'll try to get some words out next week.

- Reading – Still 'Meh'…

- Sleep / Fitbit – 7 hours 31 minutes, 0x awake, 11x restless, 23 minutes awake/restless - so last night was a pretty good night!!

- Fur-babies – Dreamy just went home. He took a pretty decent nap despite the number of distractions. Initially Bran was still in bed and scrolling through some social media. His volume was turned up pretty high and he was getting some annoyed looks from the cat, but I brought it to his attention and he turned his phone down. LOL, it's cute the way Dreamy gets such special attention.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

I see my primary care physician today. Technically it's a 'diabetes follow up' but sorta not really. It just turns out that my health insurance will no longer cover my current glucometer, so I have to get a prescription from my doctor for a new one that I can then pick up from my pharmacy for free. But, I'm sure they'll pull out all the bells and whistles. Including the weight check, which I'm not looking forward to.

Bleh...

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – Yesterday... after therapy, and I think during the tail end of Bran's lunch break, there was a little bit of a cuddle. I took that time to directly/indirectly address any insecurities that may have reared their ugly little heads since my 'date night' with the Blue Falcon on Sunday. It wasn't really a date night, but both Valkyrie and I could see how Bran might see it that way. Especially with how much the Blue Falcon has been there for me over this last year. He's taken care of me so much when Bran just wasn't there.

Anyway.

So, there was this cuddle, and I asked him; "Is everything okay?" Or "Are you okay?" - I honestly can't remember which. And then I brought it to his attention that his first two nights being home he'd been really cuddly at night. But the last few nights, not so much. I let my concern be felt.

If there was a problem, I don't think Bran was aware of it. I think it was largely subconscious behavior until I brought it up.

Then, after Bran got off work, I followed the rest of Valkyries advice and I told him how much I appreciated him being home. How glad I was to delete my dating profiles and how happy I was to focus my attention just on him. I thanked him for being there and made it clear that I welcome him in my space.

And guess what?

He was super cuddly last night as we slept.

Whatever it was, one of Valkyrie's suggestions must have worked.

This is a good thing.

- The Unicorn – She has tomorrow and Friday off from school, so she's coming over tonight instead of Friday. I'm very excited to see the look on her face when she sees that Bran is home.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Updates on Favorites -  

- Blue Falcon – Nothing new to report.

- Sweeties -

- Bear - Nothing new to report.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

 - Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

Nothing new to report.

End Notes:  

Nothing really to say in closing... I just have to get moving so I can get this posted before I have to run out the door.

It's cool, we'll figure this out.

Every additional day in this process I come to realize that reacclimating is actually difficult and is going to take a lot more work than I initially thought.

Much of this was discussed in therapy today – so I'm just going to get on with the entry.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Therapy – Valkyrie tried to help me sort out as much as she could, but the harsh reality is that she's only operating with half the information and all of that told from my perspective. She's not going to be able to really help with all of this until she's able to talk it through with Bran herself.

She did her best, based on the guess work, but it was still a lot of fog for me to process.

- Writing – Maybe next week.

- Reading – Meh...

- Sleep / Fitbit – 7 hours 49 minutes, 3x awake, 13x restless, 43 minutes awake/restless.

- Fur-babies – Dreamy stopped by this morning while Bran was still asleep. Dreamy didn't mind, he just picked the spot right between us and flopped down into a big orange-crème puddle of purring fur. Bran noted that his purr is very loud, but he didn't seem too annoyed to have him there. It was a good nap time for Dreamy.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

I think Bran and I should pay the Blue Falcon back before we join a Gym. Right now Bran is living rent free, so that's an extra $300 or so in his wallet. It shouldn't take long to pay the Blue Falcon back with that.

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – Bran was so cuddly Friday and Saturday nights – but then the cuddles stopped. Valkyrie believes that this is the result of my Movie Night 'Date' with the Blue Falcon on Sunday.

It's all speculation, but here's what we've got so far.

Over a majority of the last year, I've cultivated and maintained this amazing relationship with the Blue Falcon. He's been a large part of my strength and he's kept me going. He was also the one who healed me from a massive trauma that I endured several years ago.

Bran had no such relationships. Nothing positive happened to him in the past year. So, he may be feeling some envy towards me because I was able to use this time apart to develop a support system, not just with the Blue Falcon, but with other men/lovers too.

Then, there's also the fact of those old wounds. That no matter how much Bran loved me, he couldn't touch my hurt. He couldn't make my pain go away. And then while he was gone and couldn't even be tangentially involved in the process, I met someone who was able to heal me in the way that Bran couldn't. So, It's been proposed that the Blue Falcon might be gut-punching Bran right in the insecurities in more ways than one.

Hence the 'no cuddles' since my 'date' with the Blue falcon on Sunday.

So, now it's up to me to show Bran how much he's appreciated and wanted. Somehow I need to make him understand that he's still my Number One.

Easier said than done, I’m willing to bet, but I have to try.

- The Unicorn – She has this coming Thursday and Friday off of school, so she's getting dropped off on Wednesday instead of her usual day.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Updates on Favorites -  

- Blue Falcon – Nothing new to report.

- Sweeties -

- Bear - Nothing new to report.

 - AmbiguSweeties -

 - Pathfinder - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

Nothing new to report.

End Notes:  

Bran just went on his lunch break.  

I suggested he could make it a naughty lunch break, but he turned me down. He said he needed to eat and take care of some other stuff.

It's cool, we'll figure this out.