I'm running low on coffee beans... I expected Bran to be back by now and I figured a quick trip to the store to buy more wouldn't be an issue... *grump*
So, now I'm setting up the drip side to only two cups and I’m taking cup #3 from the k-cup side. It's not optimal, but it should hopefully stretch out my beans until Bran comes home.
I know... what a mundane way to start the entry, right?
It's just that the rest of the stuff on my mind will come out in the regular sections and I didn't want to spoil anything or jump the gun at all... I DO have a lot on my mind in regards to current situations.
Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:
- Therapy – Every once in a a while I walk into Valkyrie's office with so many updates that I've needed to make a whole list to stay on top of it all. I use Google Keep, so I can type it up on my computer and then it's just ready for me on my phone when I get to her.
Today's list is extensive as hell... a LOT has happened in the past week since I've seen her. There was admitting to Bear that I loved him. The crystal ball reading where I was introduced to Apophis. All the drama with Bran... just SO MUCH STUFF!!
Her notes are going to be AMAZINGLY long today.
- Writing – This is back on hold. And I'm kinda pissed about that. The recent drama with Bran has just fucked me all up again. *grump*
- Reading - I read a little bit while waiting for Blue Falcon last night... still 'Meh'.
- Sleep / Fitbit – 8 hours 33 minutes, 3x awake, 16x restless, 39 minutes awake/restless.
- Fur-babies – Dreamy is using my leg as a back rest while he takes his nap next to me.
Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:
- Exercise/Yoga - I got into a bit of an argument with the Blue Falcon over this last night. He doesn't believe that I should pay for the DDP Yoga DVD's because I might not stick with it. He feels I should start smaller with free workouts on YouTube, or something easier.
I told him about the lack of motivation being an issue and how investing in DDP Yoga would likely help with that and he strongly disagreed. He also kept telling me that I had to just 'dig deep' and find the motivation within me.
I told him that was exactly the same as telling a clinically depressed person to just think their way out of it. There's nothing inherently there. The motivation needs to come from an external source. I need support. He continued to disagree.
Finally I just told him that we needed to agree to disagree and cuddle instead of arguing.
That he was perfectly fine with.
He's good like that.
Relationships / Family:
- Bran – He didn't call this morning... which is very upsetting. I was promised a call during his commute. This means something went very wrong and hell has probably swallowed him whole.
This is a very dark harbinger of what the week ahead promises to be.
I know I can get through it... but how the fuck is he going to survive?
Something else hit me last night... something that Sister-Witch has been saying for a while now... She's been telling me that Bran was going to be needing me to be the strong one for both of us.
See, when Bran and I first met, I was broken as fuck. Bran was the one who put me back together and it was relying on his strength that got me through much of the last several years.
Now, while it's true that I'm pretty fucking broken. It's as the Blue Falcon pointed out. Much of my current broken is in regards to Bran being gone. Most of it should resolve pretty quickly when he comes home.
Bran, on the other hand, well... there's no way of knowing exactly what the last 1+ years of living with the Screeching Harpy's hooks in him have done to him. He could be damaged in ways that I can't even imagine. This is going to be made 20 times more difficult by the fact that he won't even come close to admitting that he's damaged. Not to mention what this current week will do to him in terms of extended trauma.
He's going to need me to be the strong one.
Over this last year I've only grown more resilient. Broken, but thriving at the same time. Capable of asking for help and forming bonds with the kinds of people I need to find that help. I've developed a support system.
He only has me.
I just hope I know what to do. I hope I can help him, or at least create an environment where he can help himself.
- The Unicorn – I did call her yesterday to apologize for being so terrible on Sunday and to thank her for her help in getting me through it. She seems okay... I still feel bad that I couldn't just suck it up more while she was around.
Relationships / Sweeties:
[ I took out the section on sweetie bio's, the whole 'sweetie' thing never really worked out. I only ended up with a bunch of one night stands. I'm giving up on sweeties. ]
- Recent Encounters – Nothing new to report.
- Updates on Favorites -
- Blue Falcon – We did get some good cuddles in last night. Conversation seemed a bit forced/strained, though. Like neither of us could think of anything cool to talk about. He was super tired too. He's been working out so much that he's been making me feel guilty for not doing more to care for my body.
I don't know how to turn this around and I still think the DDP Yoga is the way to go, despite his disagreement. I guess we'll just have to see on that one.
I'm kinda sad that sex didn't happen... I really wanted it to, but he was so tired I don't think his body was cooperating with lizard brains.
It's okay... I guess I'm just horny... high sex drive and all that.
He's super excited to bring me over for Movie Night this coming Sunday! So THAT'S A THING!!! My non Unicorn weekends he's going to have me over on Sunday nights!! YES!! I'm SO GOOD with that!!
Favorite Sweetie has a date night!!
We also did discuss his putting his dating life on hold while we wait for Bran to come back. Turns out his logic was an exchange. He wants my help with his dating profiles because I'm a writer, so in his mind he's actually coming out ahead by putting things on hold so he can be there for me.
I can live with that.
- Sweeties -
- Bear – It's up in the air on whether or not I'm going to see Bear this week... even if I don't, our last date was pretty amazing, so I'm okay if that's our official 'last date' until Bran finds a job outside of the home. And who knows, it might end up being our 'last date', period.
Bear will be fine without me.
I've shown him a better world. He now knows that there are people out there who will appreciate and not use him. So, this should raise his standards, a lot.
I know I've been good for him.
Relationships / Just Friends:
Not much on the 'Just Friends' front... Pathfinder still checks in on me often, which is really good. It's wonderful to know that he's still there.
I have another friend who's now facing the situational depression of a bit of a long distance relationship. He'll still get to see his partner every weekend, but for the time being he's really STUCK during the weekdays. It's killing his motivation to stay on top of things. So I gave him some tips on what I've done, like using TickTick for task lists and Daytum as a productivity tracker. Hopefully, those things will help him. I do worry about him. I should probably make it a point to check in on him more often.
Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:
- The One-Timers – Nothing...
- The Hopefuls - … new to...
- Honorable Mentions - … report.
End Notes:
Not much to say in closing... mostly just anxious to get about my day here... Granted I led with coffee and coffee is now done, so... yeah.
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