"Oh, what fresh hell is this?"

I think the one thing I’m looking forward to the most out of Bran's homecoming is the finality of deleting or disabling all my dating profiles. They haven't done much for me during the year that I had them up. Granted I did get some great friends like Jasper and Pathfinder out of them. And I sure as hell wouldn't have met Bear without leaving them up, but it's time to let it go.

It's time to just focus on rebuilding and repairing my primary relationship.  I'll still see my other sweeties in whatever capacity that I can, but I won't be taking on anyone new. I haven't desired anyone new for a few months now. Every time I get a new message I find myself groaning "Oh, what fresh hell is this?"

It's just not worth it anymore.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Therapy – In addition to the anxiety spike yesterday, I also got hit with a crippling bout of abandonment issues. Literally just stricken down with this irrational fear that once Bran came home I was just going to be waiting for him to leave me again. But, I spent some wonderful snuggle time with the Blue Falcon last night and I woke up in a better head space today. So, it's safe to say it was the BPD kicking in and not any real threat to the wellbeing of my relationship.

- Writing – Still on hold until Monday the 20th - I think – Monday may also be the day that Bran comes home, so I might end up pulled away to deal with that. Not sure yet.

- Reading – Meh...

I really hope I'm able to pick up reading as a thing again soon. I’m running out of stuff to binge.

- Sleep / Fitbit – 7 hours 59 minutes, 2x awake, 8x restless, 30 minutes awake/restless - pretty good night!! YAY!!

- Fur-babies – Dreamy is purring himself to sleep right next to me as I type this. Pure therapy. Love it!

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Exercise/Yoga - I’m going to talk to Bran about the DDP Yoga when he gets back, then we'll start a battle plan to make it happen.

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – We got a chance to talk this morning and this talk actually went a long way towards making me feel a lot better too.  

I've confirmed that Plan-A is on track, they are failing miserably to find housing up north, exactly as intended.  

I've confirmed that Plan-B has indeed been a 'soft pull' - this is not in an effort to drag anything out, but more in an effort to eliminate drama. Trust me, you haven't seen this bitch upset, avoiding her kind of drama is always the smart move. Especially with small children present.

I've also confirmed that he intends to remain in contact with her for a bit. Just until he's sure that she's safe and settled and that the last of their conjoined bills are severed and paid off. This might take a month or two, but then it should hopefully be a clean break. - Now, don't get me wrong – I'm not exactly okay with this. I'm in logic mode today, so it's okay, but on the bad days where the BPD is in high gear, I'm going to be famously dramatic about being very 'not okay' with him remaining in contact with her.

Although, maybe I can work it in my favor. I've always said that I want a window into her misery when they part ways. Perhaps I'll catch a glimpse? Who knows?

Plan-C is a non-issue – it shan't be necessary.

He's coming home.

Sometime in the next 2-3 days... just don't know exactly when, yet.

It would be really nice if he gave a heads up so the Blue Falcon knew when to go help him...  

*sigh*

- The Unicorn - I did talk to her after she got home from school yesterday, but they hadn't seen the movie, so we didn't have much to talk ab out. However, it turns out that her dad had already told her about the Shy Wolf Sanctuary where she could see/pet foxes. Then I explained that the reason I'd told her dad was that I could never afford to take her there myself, but he could.  

So she asks: You told my dad about it just so I could pet a fox?

Yes.

Best. Mom. Ever.

I can't wait to see her tonight. She's getting here a little later than normal, but we should still get a couple episodes of Voltron in.

I'd also forwarded an email from Tee Turtle about their new shirt with a cute fox on it. Then underneath it says What the Fox? - he sent me back a giggle and told me he bought it for her.

It's scary weird that he's being so civil with me. I just don't even know where to put that.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ I took out the section on sweetie bio's, the whole 'sweetie' thing never really worked out. I only ended up with a bunch of one night stands. I'm giving up on sweeties. ]

- Recent Encounters – Ugh... part of me wonders why this is still even here!! - It's like I don't want to take it out until Bran is HOME for real... like I need a net or something. How fucked up is that?

- Updates on Favorites -  

- Blue Falcon – Most. Delicious. Boy. Ever.

He picked me up on his way home from work. We went straight to his place because we didn't need to stop for any errands or anything. We got to his place and he took care of some administrative tasks while I got one of his cats some water.

Then we sat down to watch the last 20 minutes of 'show' that I didn't get a chance to finish. During this time we ate some leftover pizza and shared the Stroopwaffle. The confection was 'meh/okay'. It's tasty, but not something that either of us would go out of our way to buy again.

Oh... ye gods... and then it was cuddle time.

Naked... under the covers... with one of his cats trying to figure out how she was going to lay between us while we were entwined. She really tried too!! Got all the way down to our tummies before she gave up on that and laid down on the pillow right between our heads. We both got a giant giggle out of this. The other cat was making herself known as well. Kneading biscuits in the Blue Falcon's arm pit. LOL...

Eventually we had to shoo both cats away and they had to resign themselves to occupying the foot of the bed.

Cuddles... caresses... kisses... him slowly working his way over until he was on top of me, inside me. Ohh... it's going to be so sad when I have to give him up... I'm going to miss the feeling of him inside me so much. I love sex with him. It's amazing when his body just takes him over and he just needs to be within me. There's nothing else like it.

Post coital discussion made me feel both good and bad. I had mentioned that I was happy that I didn't have to give him up quite yet, and he actually told me that he'd been holding off on dating until Bran came home.

Ugh...

*Gut Punch*

He's been purposely denying himself a potential mate just until he was sure that I'd be okay?

It's... ugh... I feel so guilty.

But at the same time... how is that not love? How is that not his way of caring so much for my wellbeing that he put his on hold for me?

I think that's the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me.

I really need to make sure that such a self-sacrifice is properly acknowledged, appreciated, and rewarded.

I swear to not be selfish on this one.

- Sweeties -

- Bear – I am concerned that things between Bear and I are going to prematurely close off because there will be no place for us to play... I'm not sure how I feel about that. I don't want to leave him yet. It's not that I need him, far from it, but I still feel that he needs me.

I guess I just have to hope that he gets along on his own without me.

- Rain – Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

One of my very good friends will be here in just a little bit. He's a very powerful Mage and Seer. He's even bringing me his very last bottle of Dragon's Blood that he made. It's potent stuff!! I'll have to use it sparingly... there will never be more of it.

He's bringing his cards... I'll be able to tell you more about the reading tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to his visit.  

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

- The One-Timers – Nothing...

- The Hopefuls - … new to...  

- Honorable Mentions - … report.

End Notes:  

Not much to say in closing. I'm just really anxious to start this next chapter in my life. I want Bran to come home. I want to devote myself to rebuilding/repairing our relationship.

I want to be a good wife.

I want to give him the space he needs to be a good husband...