Things are better today...

The most elegant thing I can say about yesterday is that it was not a good day. I spent most of it crying while the Unicorn was completely freaking out because I was crying. I feel so bad for her. She felt so helpless knowing I was in pain and that there was nothing she could do about it. I finally had to keep reassuring her that I was fine. In pain, yes, but fine.  

I don't know... maybe it gave her a taste of what strength is. It's hard to tell.

Things are better today.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Therapy – I did finally stop crying. For most of yesterday I couldn't get my thoughts to settle down from the pain long enough for me to even focus on watching a show to take my mind off the pain. It was that intense. But, there were some reassuring phone calls from Bran and we worked things out... so, last night after the Unicorn went back to her father's, I was actually able to settle down a bit and watch something.

Today, after sleeping on things, (yes, I was able to sleep without crying myself to sleep) I do feel much better.

I'm still a bit of an emotional mess, but most of that is aftershocks. It's just residual pain. No fresh wounds are being inflicted.

I'll have a lot to discuss with Valkyrie tomorrow.

- Writing – As I’m sure you can imagine, this is going dead nowhere today. It is what it is.

- Reading – Meh...

- Sleep / Fitbit – 8 hours 21 minutes, 1x awake, 7x restless, 14 minutes awake restless. Pretty fucking good night, especially all things considered.

- Fur-babies – Sweet Dreamy is going down for his nap right next to me as I type this. *big hearts*

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Exercise/Yoga - Once all of Bran's other bills are sorted out, I’m going to talk to him about the DDP Yoga. I know that sinking actual investment money into the 'get healthier' plan will help motivate me. Then I plan to set a 30-Day challenge for myself, which I will document and post so all of you can hold me accountable.  

This needs to happen.

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – Okay, here we go.

Bran and I talked a lot yesterday about this fucked up thing with the job he almost took instead of coming the fuck home.

After talking to me, he did realize what a mistake it would be for him to take the job. Including, but not limited to, the price of it costing our relationship.

Here's what he explained to me:

The job offer was a huge confidence boost.

Given his employment history, the fact that someone liked him enough and trusted him enough to offer him such a high value job was very assuring.

It took a long time for me to finally let that sink in and to accept the fact that he had good reason for being seduced by this job offer. Logically, I DO see this now. I get it.  

It's just that emotionally I still feel like he's a complete fucktard for even considering it given what it would have done both to me, and to us. Like I told him; there will always be other jobs. There's only ONE me.

I was able to get him to see my side of things and he's graciously resigned from being considered for the position.

--

Now...  

The Insta-karma of taking an auger to my chest like that? Especially with someone like Apophis on my side?

Shit.

I found out from Bran this morning what he's going to have to do in order to survive out the week and keep his job.

Fuck me.

He's going to be in the kind of hell that even I wouldn't wish on my enemies.

Well... that's not all the way true... there is one enemy I'd wish it on and it IS going to be her hell for the long run too. Bran only has to deal with it for about a week. But she's going to be there for a good long time.

All I can say is OUCH!

He had it coming... but... omg... fucking OUCH!!

- The Unicorn – The worst part of yesterday is how concerned she was for me. She knew I was in deep pain and she kept trying to comfort me, but at the same time I think she knew there was nothing she could do to help me.

I will have to make this up to her.

I should call her tonight just to let her know I'm okay and to thank her for being there.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ I took out the section on sweetie bio's, the whole 'sweetie' thing never really worked out. I only ended up with a bunch of one night stands. I'm giving up on sweeties. ]

- Recent Encounters – Nothing new to report.

- Updates on Favorites -  

- Blue Falcon – I really must say... I love the way that the Blue Falcon has come to 'know me'… I realize it's just him and his personality and the way he operates. He's a lot more sensitive to others than he really lets himself believe.

I texted him yesterday and asked if he could cuddle this week, preferably as soon as possible.

That's all I said: Cuddle this week – as soon as possible.

He said: Monday. What happened?

He knew something was wrong. I didn't even have to say it. He just knew.  

I filled him in and he's shaking his head in deep What The Fuckery...

*sigh* I know, Blue Falcon, I know...

I’m looking forward to giving him the update.

But, I’m also REALLY looking forward to the cuddles to help me get my heart back from the auger, stitched up, and back in my chest.

Thank every heaven for the Blue Falcon.

I really don't know what I'd do without him.

- Sweeties -

- Bear – He checked in on me last night as well, and that conversation didn't go nearly as well. Bear just didn't understand why I couldn't simply leave the cities and move in with Bran up north. He didn't realize that I'd lose my disability and I'd be placing my care 100% in Bran's hands. So, if Bran fucked up I WOULD be homeless again. It's too much of a risk.

Staying in my county funded disability program, I'm self-sufficient. I can't give that up for anyone. Not even Bran.

- Rain – I'm taking Rain back out after this entry. I haven't heard from him since that one date that was weeks ago. I don't think he's back. That might have just been a one-time thing. Sad but true.

Relationships / Just Friends:

Both Pathfinder and Mr. Wizard checked in on me yesterday, offering their support to get me through this tough time. Neither of them had kind words for Bran and I'm sure they're both giving me epic facepalm today for still hanging onto this relationship.

Both of them will still support me, I know that. But I'm pretty damn sure both of them would like for me to get out now, before more damage can be done.

I get that.

But, neither of them have met Bran, nor have they seen the good side of what this relationship has been over the last 9+ years... So, It's probably a good idea to make some introductions at some point or some shit like that.

I have another friend. More like a sister... I don't have a code name for her yet. I'll have to talk to her and let her pick her own. For NOW, I'll just call her Sister-Witch...

Sister-Witch knows BOTH myself and Bran really well. She's been a friend to both of us for a really long time and she's one of the few people who remained a friend even through our homelessness crisis. She knows who Bran and I are as an US, and she knows why I won't let it go easily.

Sister-Witch understands why I'm quick to forgive a mistake as long as the appropriate karma is dished. She's been there with me before and she's a good ally to have in war. I'm really fucking glad that she's on my side.

I've got myself a good circle of people.

I'm really happy about that.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

- The One-Timers – Nothing...

- The Hopefuls - … new to...

- Honorable Mentions - … report.

End Notes:  

I'm probably going to be hearing from Bran a lot less over this next week. And as much as that's going to spike my anxiety, I know the situation he's going to be in and It's not going to be pretty.

He's going to need my support far more than I'm going to need his, so the lapse in communication is going to suck way worse for him than it is for me.

Gods help me, I actually feel sorry for him.

On the other hand... this is kinda the final blow. The last nail in that coffin that will make him appreciate me more and highlight what he came very very close to losing. Again.

I'm not saying the next year is going to be all sunshine, rainbows, and unicorn farts. There will still be adjustments that need to be made. But, I do feel that Bran and I have BOTH taken each other for granted in the past, and I think we've BOTH been hit with the Clue-by-Four of truth that's telling us to knock it the fuck off.

I think we're both going to work harder at making this work.

This is our second chance to forgive each other for all the sins of our past and to move forward in a new relationship and get it right this time.

I'm not going to waste that opportunity.

I don't think Bran is either.

*sigh*

Okay... I've said enough... time to get the rest of the day going.