This is the kind of empty that happens right before something big.

For some reason, I've been steeping in a lot of boredom and loneliness lately. Honestly, it's more boredom than loneliness. The loneliness is more of a sense that if I had company it would be a more interesting way to pass the time.

That doesn't make me any less picky on the company, though.

Dickheads who clearly still only want sex or a one night stand need not apply. No, this is most definitely a job for a Sweetie, but they're all busy with their own lives.

I haven't been in the mood to read...which in itself is frustrating I have a LOT of free books that would be a great way to pass the time! But, no, instead I would much rather binge whole seasons of shows in a day and then regret the fact that I didn't pace myself.

You're probably wondering why I don't just get out of the house more and well, there's a reason for that too. It's dark, cold, and I'm broke. I have no reason to go out. And with things getting dim by 4 PM it's like I’m ready to just curl up in my ultra-soft bed and be cozy.

So why am I not knitting, drawing, writing, or something else creative? The answer is that it just isn't there. The desire to create isn't there. I can't force it. I can't make it be there.  

What about gaming? Same thing. It feels like a time suck even though all I have is time!

Fuck... I don't know...

It's all just dead space in here.

Something will turn around soon, though.

This is the kind of empty that happens right before something big.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

- Therapy – I feel like I'm still good on the depression and the anxiety fronts. I don't feel like the boredom is a side effect of the depression. I feel like that's more of a separate animal entirely. As far as the other mental health issues... the BPD, PTSD, PMDD... they all seem to be at low levels of activity as well.

This all points to one really BIG thing!!

I currently have no triggers.

I spend all day holed up in my bed like a lone wolf in a den, so I'm not interacting. I'm not brushing up against anything that might raise my hackles even one little bit. So, it's not that I'm not experiencing symptoms or that I'm cured or anything. It's just that I'm safely tucked away in my little bubble and nothing can touch me here.

That's both good and bad.

It's good that I’m not being triggered, but it could be bad in the sense that I might be weakening my immune system to triggers. My lack of exposure could be turning my defenses into mush.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens.

- Writing – I have absolutely amazing fucking news!! I heard voices this morning!!!

VOICES!

My two characters from the most recent Ghost Story started having dialogs in my head while I was getting coffee.

There's a progression here.

1) I've been getting a lot of free books lately.

2) I've been slowly getting fed up with tropes and people writing the same cliché shit in different ways.

3) Somehow I thought it would be funny if my characters were self-aware enough of the fact that they were ignoring the tropes.

Example: My guy is a Dragon Shifter. Trope dictates that he must also be a billionaire bad boy and that she has to be his 'fated mate'.

So, in my head I suddenly heard her say to him, "Oh, gods. please don't tell me you're some billionaire bad boy. I don't think I could take that right now."

To which he chuckles and responds, "I am well invested and I live quite modestly, there's no bad boy here for you to worry about."

Then on the subject of fated mates, I heard her say, "I swear by all that is good and holy that if you say fated mate, I'm leaving."

But that's not even the best part. The bulk of this morning's voices didn't address the tropes at all. It actually centered on the fact that like all my girls, she's a Cougar. But, *unlike* all my boys, he doesn't fit the mold of a 20-something guy! He actually looks more early 40's, like her. So what spit out on that one was this:

"So, why younger men only? Why are you so stubborn on this one detail? Can it be that you yourself are guilty of the same body image shallowness that you accuse others of?"  

"No, it's not that, it's not about appearance... although I do find the appearance tasty. It's about prowess and stamina. It's about sexual peaks and when men and women hit them. It's about satisfaction."

"I assure you... I am in excellent health and I'm a /good/ lover. Please, just give me one chance to prove this too you."

So, that's HUGE!!! - hearing the voices means I'm on the verge of writing again!!

The only reason I didn't is because I have somewhere to be today.

But I actually might find myself doing 1K on The Real You tomorrow!!

*fingers crossed*

- Reading – Nothing New to report.

- Sleep / Fitbit – 8 hours 8 minutes, 1x awake, 8,x restless, 18 minutes awake/restless... holy shit!! That's a good night!!

- Fur-babies – I was able to get some Cat Therapy in yesterday and it was WONDERFUL... that might even be one of the reasons why I'm feeling so much better today.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

Nothing New to report.

Relationships / Family:

- Bran – We got a chance to talk a little bit last night.

Plan-A (smoke screen – fail at finding a new place to live up north): This is proceeding as expected. Housing options are limited. They've looked at places but have either turned them down or been denied.

Plan-B (come the fuck home) Slight hiccup – Having internet and phone already set up when he makes it back home may be an issue. We're trying to sort it out so he doesn't lose his job and he doesn't miss weeks of pay.

Plan-C (still pulling the Plan-B lever if Plan-A fails and they find a place) As far as I know, this is still a go. He's been making it brutally clear (to me) that he has zero intention of remaining up north (she still hasn't been told yet).

He's also been plowing through his belongings and trashing what he doesn't need. Making sure that his remaining worldly possessions can fit in the back of his truck.  

The other good news is that he's been seriously pissing off the Screeching Harpy!! :) -- They received a very nice invitation from her parents to just move in with them, which he blatantly refused. Then this past weekend was the Thanksgiving Observed for her family and SHE MISSED IT because he didn't want to go!! HA HA HA HA HA! He's being such an ass to her. I love it.

You know... when this is all over, eventually she'll realize that she's better off without him. He's been an ass to her for a while now. I'm not going to say that she deserves better, though. I gave her better. I gave her a home full of love and support and she still acted like a selfish two-year-old.  

She's going to have to grow up someday, and I think the only way she's going to do that is alone! She has a very good chance of being approved for a town-home if Bran is NOT with her.

I hope she takes it.

- The Unicorn - Nothing New to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ I took out the section on sweetie bio's, the whole 'sweetie' thing never really worked out. I only ended up with a bunch of one night stands. I'm giving up on sweeties. ]

- Recent Encounters - Nothing New to report.

- Updates on Favorites -  

- Blue Falcon – Movie Night tonight!! VERY EXCITED to spend time with the Blue Falcon!

- Sweeties -

- Bear - Nothing New to report.

- Rain - Nothing New to report.

Relationships / Just Friends:

Nothing New to report.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

- The One-Timers - Nothing New to report.

- The Hopefuls – I had a very nice dialog with someone who could actually communicate in complete sentences. He even used punctuation correctly!! - But, I think it flopped when he suggested that I could turn him into my 'sissy boy' if I wanted to.

UGH – I don't date submissive men.

Ew.

- Honorable Mentions - Nothing New to report.

End Notes:  

I should go... I'm in pretty dire need of a shower so I can be ready for Movie Night.

Lonely won't be an issue for a few hours tonight at least.  :)