I've been working very hard at being a much kinder and considerate person. My goals include such things as anticipating needs, asking if people need things if I'm already up, or surprising them with little treats when I can.
There's more too.
Take last night for example: Bran wasn't ready to sleep until it was already two hours past my regular bed time, and even though this upset me on some level because he knew that I had to be alert at an early hour today, I held back on getting frustrated with him. 1) he's the one with the day job, his sleep is more important. If I would have asked him to try to sleep before he was ready, his insomnia would have kicked in and he would have been the one awake all night. 2) he's the one with the day job. If I have to, I can take a fucking nap in the middle of the day. He doesn't have that luxury.
So, I hold back on my shit. Yes, I was frustrated, but I felt it was really important to not let that frustration get the better of me and to not let it ruin what would be a perfectly loving night sleeping next to my husband.
Also, the point became moot anyway. I woke up to a text from my case worker telling me that she wouldn't be able to keep our appointment this morning anyway, so I got to sleep in those extra two hours that I missed last night.
Problem solved, and miracles do happen.
Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:
- Therapy – Now, the trick with this new outward appearance is to not end up treated like a door mat. Somehow I'm going to still have to stand up for myself when the situation warrants it. That's going to be difficult... the 'knowing when how much is too much'. Knowing when to draw the lines. I’m sure Valkyrie can help me here. I don't want to present as some sort of push over. I just want to present as someone truly loving who wants to take care of my partner and my child.
- Writing – On hold till next week.
- Reading – Still pretty 'Meh', although Veil of Darkness is just starting to pick up speed with only 10% left in the story. Which means I'm probably walking headlong into a cliffhanger. *facepalm* This worries me. The author is one of my Facebook friends and I want to support him, but if this is the kind of material he pushes... then I honestly have no desire to read more.
- Sleep / Fitbit – 8 hours 19 minutes, 3x awake, 11x restless, 26 minutes awake/restless - so, you see? Actually a really good night anyway!
- Fur-babies – I love how comfortable Dreamy is here. He had no trouble going entirely tits up during his nap. Just four paws and ten claws all up in the air while he dreamed his little Dreamy dreams. It was fucking adorable.
Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:
- Blood Sugar – So, I’m back to fucking forgetting to check every fucking morning... go me... except not.
- INR – Can't remember the reading, but it was good. All normal. Yay...
- Exercise/Yoga - I still really want to do the DDP Yoga, but I have a feeling that the only way that's going to happen is if I either talk Bran into doing it with me, or if I buy the DVD's on my own and get out of bed way before he does in the mornings. This would put morning snuggles in detriment, as well as morning sex, so I'll have to really think this through and decide if the trade offs are worth it.
Bran also makes a lot of noises about wanting to join a gym, but we need to repay the Blue Falcon first.
- Weight Management – Still in a bad place here, but hopefully once Bran's bills even out we'll be able to afford to get me Paleo again, then we should see some improvement.
Relationships / Family:
- Bran – I struggle a lot with my abandonment issues when he runs errands every night. For the past year+ errands were his chance to call and talk to me. So, how do I know he doesn't have someone else out there that he's calling and chatting about a future with? How do I know what's going on in his mind?
It sucks... this lack of trust... it's going to take so long for me to trust him fully again.
There wasn't much in the way of cuddles during sleep last night... but the wake up cuddles were very much there. Highlighted by the fact that I forgot to set the program button on my coffee maker last night.
Cuddles elevated into an opportunistic Mo groping when he reached for his phone. This mattured to some direct skin on skin Mo petting...
Then he tried really hard to get up and get dressed for work, but he didn't make it very far. Soon I was scooted to the edge of the bed while he tested out the traction of the bedroom carpet on bare feet.
One thing I'm really noticing is how unaccustomed I am to his raw length and girth. I don't know what the fuck is up with that. If it's just that I've been screwing less endowed men for the last year+ or that I just haven't been screwing him for the last year+… all I really know is that penetration with him feels really good, but it's also stretching me to the point of discomfort.
It's really nice!!
So, after a quick romp he was able to get dressed and go to work without further complications from an overactive Mo.
- The Unicorn – She got to my place at 9 last night, and I was sad that Bran was still running errands because I was really hoping to surprise her with his presence. As it stood, she saw all his stuff here and instantly guessed that he was home, but then I didn't tell her 'yes or no' on that.
Then he called to be let in and I had him on speaker. She lost her mind and I sent her down to let him in.
Bran took a bath while she and I went through two episodes of Voltron and one episode of Angel. Then it was time for her to go to bed.
We woke her up this morning so she could move from the living room sofa to the bedroom so Bran could work. She tried to go right back to sleep, but that's when Dreamy came over. She still didn't wake up all the way then.
That was about the time I was ready to start Coffee and Contemplation. I made a wonderful discovery when looking for a browser app in the X-Box app store (Bran has an X-BOx), I discovered that there was actually a CW app!! So I was able to do Coffee and Contemplation on the big TV without complication. The Unicorn woke up during this and watched an episode of Riverdale with me.
I totally blipped, though. That’s when I should have brought her some tea. I did bring her some, but I was already on final coffee when I did.
After my show I turned the controls over to her. She's happily watching Anime next to me while I'm working on this entry.
She also wanted to have eggs for breakfast at the same time I was eating. She usually eats two eggs, basted; I usually eat thee eggs, scrambled with cheese and then smushed between two slices of dry toast. So, that's what I was going for, but that's not how it turned out.
I cracked my three eggs into a larger pan to scramble them, and then I tried to crack the Unicorn's eggs into the smaller pan to baste them, but I couldn't get a clean crack! The yolks kept breaking and then I kept throwing them in with my eggs while I said 'Son-of-a-Bitch!' so loudly Dean would have been proud. Eventually I had to give up and I made scrambled eggs with close to a dozen eggs. I added cheese and then buttered and strawberry jellied a couple slices of toast.
It was a very big breakfast for both of us.
She didn't care.
She only wanted to have eggs for breakfast with mom. She didn't care that I fucked them up. She was happy to just be with me.
I fucking love my spawn.
Relationships / Sweeties:
- Updates on Favorites -
- Blue Falcon – I admit it. I'm not ready to give him up yet. I still want him as my cuddle buddy and lover.
I agree with him that I should focus my attention on Bran right now.
I agree with him that I should help him with his dating profiles and I should be working on getting him a future mate right now.
But, there's this part of me that REALLY wants to have him as a lover just a little bit longer before I have to give him up completely.
I know... it's selfish... but I still love him and I still want him.
After this past year, who could really blame me.
- Sweeties -
- Bear – I'm going to take Bear out after this entry. We're going to be radio silent for a while... there's no point in keeping him here just so I can say that there's nothing new to report.
- AmbiguSweeties -
- Pathfinder – Nothing new to report.
Relationships / Just Friends:
Nothing new to report.
End Notes:
It's been a really good day so far. I’m enjoying the slow pace and the 'getting to things' a lot later than normal.
I know I should knit today, but I don't feel like it.
To be honest, I really don't know what I want to do with the rest of my day...
I think I'll read.
Yeah, reading sounds good.
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