Code Name: Rain (way too soon, but I'm going with it)

And, here we are… last day of February. Spring comes soon, but Bran might not… more on that later in the entry, I guess…

*sigh*

Here goes:

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - Valkyrie called in sick today. And she's out next week too. So I'm not even going to see or hear from her until the 14th. And that sucks… I miss her. But, I'm doing okay on the mental health stuff, so I'm confident that I'll survive until I see her again.

 - Writing - I finished adding the storm bits to my chapter one. And now I have the very daunting task of editing my chapter two. First I need to make sure I get in there and figure out the target word counts for every chapter. I need to make sure I'm going to hit my beats on time. Gods, there's just so much that I need to focus on from the story structure research.

KM says it gets easier once you've got your system down BEFORE you start writing. But going BACK is harder.

Fuck.

 - Sleep - I really wish I could say that I slept better last night. Gods this sucks. And, even worse. The double dose of anti-psychotic that I've been taking to help myself sleep at night? I just realized that Bubbles changed the prescription from 60 pills down to 30, so now I'm in serious danger of them running out before I get it fixed.

Double fuck.

 - Fur-babies - Just one visit yesterday. All Dreamy, no Splotches. Cuddles were most definitely requested and had. But they were cut a bit short by the arrival of a sweetie. Dreamy was NOT pleased by this, to say the least. But, got sweetie inside without Dreamy escaping, and then much to my surprise the sweetie got Dreamy snuggles too. Dreamy got into my lap, and then to the top of the couch, walked over and stepped down and laid on the sweetie. OMG, so cute. That sweetie has some anxiety issues. So, I think Dreamy was just tapping in for him and helping him as much as he could.

He really is an amazing therapy cat.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Caffeine - Just three today, and yes my body/brain is regretting it. I might have to take a shower soon, just to see if that would help me wake up. If I wait until 11 I risk running into my productive time and I want to get to that chapter 2 revision today.

RE: Yoga/Movement, Inflammation, Weight - I'm just going to start taking these out. I'll keep them in the template, but I’m going to delete them if I don't have anything to report on the day in question.

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - So, we're back to the threat of Bran's return being delayed again.

Fuck fuck fuck

Fuckady fuck Chuck dammit, fuck

He might miss our anniversary.

He's trying not to… but he might miss it…

This is not good.

I'm putting in a message to Jasper now. I'm going to ask if he'll get me through it. Just asking of he'll put it on his calendar to get to me that night. I'll ask the Blue Falcon and probably Cookie and Rain too… just to be sure I can survive this. (you haven't met Rain, yet. His update is coming in the 'Hopeful's section)

Update: I messaged the Blue Falcon too. He's penciling me in for both April 2nd and 3rd. Ye Gods, I love him so fucking much.

I have people who will get me through this… and I’m pretty sure I'm going to be able to add both Cookie and Rain to that list as well.

This sucks…

But, at least I have support.

 - The Unicorn - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Sweeties:

- Recent Encounters - There was a sweetie visit last night. But, it appears as if he's already ghosted me. It's sad that so many of them only need this to be a one time thing. I mean, I don't mind… I get what I need from it too. But, still, I wish more of them would come back.

    - 1) good company: He was really exhausted when he got to me. The very first thing he did once I took his coat is he flopped down on his back on my couch, laying on Bran's memory foam pillow. He apologized for being kind of a bum, but I'm pretty sure I told him it was okay.

I sat down on the other end of the couch and Dreamy came around, hopping up into my lap and then up to the back of the couch. I asked Dreamy if he was jealous of my sweetie and I guess he wasn't. He was just up there checking him out.

This particular sweetie has some anxiety issues, and Dreamy must have picked up on that because he walked right over and climbed down onto the sweeties chest. Laid right down and started therapy snuggling him.

That was awesome.

    - 2) good conversation: The conversation was at it's peak post-coital and post-sex coma. We talked a lot about his past and who he was when he was growing up. His ascension event that triggered his empathy, as well as his growing anxiety issues as a result of his empathy.

It was pretty clear to me that his anxiety is being spiked because he can sense how much is wrong with the world around him. I did my best to help. I gave him a back massage and told him about the 'mindful body meditation' of just focusing on one area of the body at a time.

He seemed to take the advice. But, it's hard to tell because I've not heard back from him. I messaged him my standard thank you, as well as a reminder to do the mindful body meditation. And, nothing.

I hate it when they ghost me like that.

    - 3) good snuggles: I am not going to lie, he was an amazing snuggler! He did a lot of wrapping his arms around me and massaging the knots in my shoulders while I was in his embrace. I did my standard 'running my free hand' over him… I got some good, soft moans out of him. I was trying not to push for sex, though, because I knew how tired he was.

There were a couple of times he got on top of me and started dry humping me. Weird, but okay.

   

- 4) good sex: Eventually he became bold enough to ask for attention to his cock.  We got him naked from the waist down and I started to stroke him. He made comments about how good it felt. Then I did the 'cock making out' which he loved.

He's a very good 'dirty talker'. Was moaning things about me sucking that cock.

I kept it up until I got tired, and apologized for not being able to get him to cum.

Then I put some lube on my hand and went back to stroking him until my arm got tired too…

Then he asked if I wanted his cock inside me, so of course I said yes.

As usual, I told him not to hold back. He kept his arms wrapped around the back of my neck and just pounded the fuck out of me. It was really amazing. The dirty talk continued. "You like that dick, baby?" "What's the biggest cock you've ever had?" "You want me fucking you?"

I told him about Bran's cock without mentioning Bran. Bran is the biggest.

"Did you cum all over that cock?"

"Actually, I don't cum. But I enjoy the ride."

"Yeah? I think I’m going to cum now."

"Please do!"

So, he did… it was lovely.

Then that's when all the cuddling and talking happened. It was pretty wonderful. But, he had to get going so he could see his kids before they went to bed. Totally understandable. Just wish he would have responded to at least one message by now.

 - Updates on Favorites

 - Jasper - I'm trying really hard not to squee the fuck out of things when Jasper checks in. He goes dark so often. Which I know he hates as much as I do. He's made that pretty clear.

We're both having rough times right now. We're both expressing that we'd love to be of more help to each other, and I think we both accept our limits on what we can or can't do from a distance.

Update: I just heard back from him regarding the extra support around mine and Bran's anniversary. He says he'll do his best.

He really is wonderful. I wish he was so much closer and with a less crazy work schedule. Anything to see him again and ease his pain. Anything to see him again and have him ease my pain.

Don't get me wrong, I have others, but Jasper is so special to me. I know you know why.

 - Blue Falcon - I pinged the Blue Falcon on being with me around the 2nd and the 3rd of April too. He's already penciled me in for both dates.

So, there you have it. I have support.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - I'm really hoping last nights adventure wasn't a one time thing. But, we all probably know that it is.

 - The Hopefuls - And here we go:

- Code Name: Rain -

I don't even know how long we've been chatting. It feels like forever but I know it really hasn't been that long.

He reminds me of Jasper a little bit.

He's a super strong empath and a good reader of people, even over distances. He knew I was broken the second he started talking to me and he's been overcome with this intense desire to help me in any way that he can.

Okay, you know me, I do NOT fucking let myself trust anyone this early on!

I've especially learned my lesson on assigning code names before the second date.

But he's just so comforting… like rain against my window.

He sees me exactly the same way that Daniel sees Jessa. Tough, Open, Damaged.

He's coming over after he's done with work today.

Strong arms… strong cuddles… white chocolate popcorn and Supernatural.

I've already vowed not to shut him out. As scary as it is to get my hopes up about another Peter/Daniel... I know that's where this is is going.

I can just feel it… coming at me in waves… how much easing my pain means to him. And, neither of us really understand what's behind that desire for him.

I have my suspicions that it could be Bastian again, just like it was with Bran.

Rain is only 18 years old… But, he's so much more advanced than his age would betray.

I don't know. I just can't hide from him and I don't want to.

I hate it that I've let him in so hard already. I know he has so much power to break me further. But, I'm sure you all know what it is that I'm really hoping for here.

I hope he's the one who will look me in the eyes and say 'no, you're not' when I lie and say that I'm okay.

I need that… permission to cry… just once… I really need someone to pull the pain out of me.

Just once…

Can Rain make my tears fall like rain?

I don't know…

I really don't know…

But, I also really hope so…

Bad dreams again... (but, yesterday was Blue Falcon!! YAY!)

I fucking hate this PTSD shit.

I hate the fact that things got that fucked up. I hate the fact that _she_ still haunts me. She's in my dreams and she's not going anywhere.

I just hope it ends when Bran comes back. Once she's gone for good… and I can sleep next to him again. I just hope that's enough to make the bad dreams stop.

*sigh*

Also, my apologies, I promised you something steamy about the Blue Falcon today. It's actually going to be a bit tame. You'll see when you get there.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - I get to see Valkyrie tomorrow. But, that's really not going to help me all that much. I've already asked her what to do about the PTSD and she told me that I'm pretty much already doing it. I've got this recovery system already in place and now it's just going to take some time.

Time and distance.

That's all I can hope for.

Time and distance.

I guess my biggest worry isn't even about me. It's about Bran. He lets things go so easily. He makes this grand promise to never hold anyone's past against them. Like he can somehow just snap his fingers and no longer be hurt anymore.

I don't have that luxury.

Because of the Borderline, my wounds never heal.

How can I move on? How can I forgive him completely? Will I ever be able to put it behind me enough to trust him again? Or, am I going back to living the life of loving him regardless of how much I can't trust him?

How do I stop resenting what he did?

How do I prevent that resentment from bubbling to the surface?

I can't keep holding him accountable. I mean, yes, it got shitty. But, he was just as much of a victim as I was. The bitch had leverage and she used it.

So… if the dreams don't stop… how can I let it go?

Fuck…

I hate this shit.

- Writing - Despite all of the above. I have big plans on the writing for today. On Friday I finished compiling all of my story structure research and worked out a somewhat decent system for getting everything checked, rechecked, and filled in on the current story…

However… I forgot about windows.

Yup… windows.

See, one of my writing guru's said that drama can be heightened if you include bad weather. Presumably romance can be deepened if you include good weather. Both of my beginning scenes happen indoors, so I figured weather wasn't an issue. And then I came across a forum discussion on creating 'movement' within a scene. Which I thought I had done. Until someone else mentioned rain trickling down a window.

Gods dammit!

Windows!!

My drama would be heightened exponentially if I just included a raging storm OUTSIDE and beating against the fucking windows!!

So, yeah… chapter one rewrite… again.

But, I'm hoping to get to chapter two as well.

 - Sleep - Got to bed a little late… woke up an hour before the alarm, but didn't get up. I was able to get back to sleep and the alarm woke me in the middle of a REM cycle. So, whatever, I guess I’m okay.

 - Fur-babies - Two visits yesterday, but I only counted one because neither cat gave cuddles on the first. They were both more interested in the Unicorn, LOL. I'm okay with this. She's in some pretty dire need of cat therapy too.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Caffeine - still down to only 3… still craving more… it's not a 'wake me up more' kind of craving… more of a comfort thing, I guess… weird.

 - Yoga / Movement Goals - no

 - Inflammation - sorry

 - Weight Management - not yet, but I see the weight loss doctor on the 14th… maybe I'm lucky and I'm still losing… but I doubt it.

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - My biggest fear with Bran is not knowing whether or not I'll be able to control my PTSD once he gets back. I don't want to resent him for something he was equally victimized by. I really don't.

I need to shut this shit down something fierce.

 - The Unicorn - Okay… the report here is AMAZING.

The Blue Falcon has stated, very clearly, that he's not just in my life, he's in the Unicorn's too. Since they're both high functioning autistics, he just immediately put himself in the roll of 'positive male roll model'. HOW FUCKING COOL IS THAT!!??!!

So… he got here about 5pm yesterday. Early enough to buy everyone dinner. He even brought a sixer of different soda's. Really nice of him. The Unicorn picked an apple soda because there was a fox on the label. LOL, so cute, and so her.

The Blue Falcon talked to her about autism and asked her specific questions that only another autistic would really know. She might have been shy. I'm not sure. But she kind of fixated on her bubbles a little bit. So, the Blue Falcon pulled up a YouTube video on bubble experiments in space as well as anti-bubbles. It was so sweet to see someone taking such a strong interest in her!

The last two times I had a guy over when she was still here, both panicked and left after only an hour or so. But, the Blue Falcon has shown so much dedication to me that I felt really comfortable with them meeting. She was scared that she was going to scare him away if we watched one of her favorite anime's, but we both reassured her that he's not going to be scared away that easily.

He even bought us dinner. Pizza. Turns out we each have very different tastes when it comes to pizza. The Unicorn and the Blue Falcon are both pretty picky. So he ordered three solo-pizza's so that everyone could get exactly what they wanted. I picked a cherry and cream soda. It was all so good. The three of us sat on the couch together with the Blue Falcon in the middle, because they're both so skinny it worked out.

The Unicorn showed him this game that she's really fixated on. It's a puzzle game. Which he totally understands about her.

He told her, more than once, that she'd see him again soon.

Take a moment to let that sink in.

HE TOLD HER, more than once, that he's coming back for the express purpose of spending time with her again.

I am SO FUCKING LUCKY that he's in my life. He made it so clear that he's in hers too, now. 

What a sweetheart.

The appointed hour came and her dad came to get her.

It was really sweet.

Relationships / Sweeties:

 - Recent Encounters - The Blue Falcon and I were both pretty much naked with in 5 minutes of the Unicorn leaving.

    - 1) good company: Most of this you already know. His time with the Unicorn was really special.

    - 2) good conversation: Same as always. He can literally talk about anything. It's amazing.

    - 3) good snuggles: He stripped down to his boxers as soon as we made it into my bedroom. Then after cuddling up to me he tugged at my shirt a little bit. So I asked if I was overdressed and he pretty much ripped my clothes off, LOL. Then his boxers went buhbye too. Gods, I love how he snuggles. He holds me so fucking tight. He even asked me to squeeze him really tight and reconfirmed something I already knew about how autistics are comforted by pressure.

I don't know what to say… I just love being with him so much.

    - 4) good sex: This is where the report gets a little light. There WAS sex, but it didn't last very long. He was super tired from sleep deprivation and his mind and his body and his cock all kind of got into an argument over whether or not sex should continue. Fatigue won out, and we just snuggled and talked.

He's a very gentle lover. Good kisser. So caring.

-- part of the post coital discussion --

I mentioned that Bran is hoping to return in March. The Blue Falcon asked if we'd be downgraded to platonic once Bran came back. Pretty much telling me that we're friends no matter what! - omg - fucking LOVE him for that. I told him that we're still allowed to have plenty of sex, we just do it while Bran is at work. And he also said he'd be fine meeting Bran at some point, but we both agreed that we'd let Bran make that call.

We also talked about how our relationship will change when he finds his mate. That we're very likely to downgrade to platonic at that point.

It was just so comforting to know that he's my friend. And that he will be my friend. No matter what.

I really do love him for that.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Jasper - Pretty much nothing from Jasper lately… I'm back to not knowing what to think. But some of that is likely just my own sleep deprivation and insecurities talking.

 - Blue Falcon - Already noted in the report above.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - I'm sort of considering adding Cookie to the favorites. We'll see. I think I want him to make at least 3 dates total before I do that.

 - The Hopefuls - Couple more blips on the radar. One planning on heading my way tonight. That one also has some social anxiety issues.

Both new blips are seriously STRONG and HOT… omg…

Please,

For the love of the gods…

Give me at least one super muscular and strong cub who will come back for more.

Tomorrow's entry will be more exciting...

I spent the bulk of yesterday getting all my social media re-updated and integrated with my professional website. Unfortunately I didn't actually check any of the links, so now I have to fix that again today.

I'm so excited that I get to see the Blue Falcon today. I also spent a bulk of yesterday wishing it were today already. It's amazing how much I care about him.

I'm deeply saddened by how much Jasper has dropped off the map. I know it's just work. But, still. I miss him.

I also put an inquiry in with a woman who does writing related psychic readings to ask if it would be appropriate to merge Imarii Morningstarre into my other writing personas as well. Since it would give me more stability in terms of managing constant content.

That's my nutshell…

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - Nothing new

 - Writing - Taking my standard 'Unicorn weekend' break from the work. But, tomorrow I have my work cut out for me. I need to add a raging storm outside my opening scenes just to increase the sense of motion and drama.

 - Sleep - DOING OKAY!!  :)

 - Fur-babies - 2 visits yesterday! It was a good day.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Caffeine - back down to 3 cups today

 - Yoga / Movement Goals - nope

 - Inflammation - nuh uh

 - Weight Management - I don't care

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - He's coming home soon… I still can't believe I've almost survived this whole six month ordeal…

 - The Unicorn - She spent the entirety of yesterday in the bedroom watching Anime. She just needed her 'me time'. I'm super excited for her to meet the Blue Falcon today.

Relationships / Sweeties:

 - Recent Encounters - Nothing new to report

 - Updates on Favorites -

- Jasper - You know as much as I do… he's gone dark on me… I know he's still there… I just wish he were here.

 - Blue Falcon - I will have an update tomorrow! Expect sex :)

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - Still hoping that Cookie makes a return appearance

 - The Hopefuls - Couple more blips on the radar. And that's IMPORTANT. It means I'm coming out of the death spiral.

*long sigh*

Hoping for the best… as always.

No witty subject line...

I'm struggling with the foreknowledge that I need to be a lot more integrated in all my social medias regarding my blogs and my writings… Ugh… this is… so… very… daunting…

How am I going to stay on top of this?

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - I finally have a working phone again. So, I FINALLY get to see Valkyrie next week. I need to book a time to see Bubbles too. I feel like it's been too long and I must have missed canceling an appointment with her for the transportation reason.

 - Writing - The story structure research is done now. And now I have to go through the very daunting task of compiling all of the information against my current narrative… oh hell… I'm really scared I'm going to miss something.

 - Sleep - Got to bed on time last night. Woke up twice during the night for water refills, the second of which I did not take. Woke up twice before the alarm. Once I went back to sleep and had another fifteen minute rem cycle.

Sometimes that's all I need. Just one more rem cycle and I'm ready to start my day. So, I got up before the alarm because, coffee.

 - Fur-babies - One visit yesterday. Both Dreaming and Splotches requested cuddles. Splotches was even a little jealous of Dreamy that he got his snuggle time first. LOL, too cute.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Caffeine - 4 today. Going to try to ramp back to 3 tomorrow.

 - Yoga / Movement Goals - fuck you

 - Inflammation - go to hell

 - Weight Management - someday soon, maybe… *sigh*

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - He's putting the wheels in motion to transfer back down to jobs in the cities. He's also putting wheels in motion to qualify for a mortgage. HE'S NOT PLANNING ON STAYING GONE LONGER!! He's coming back when his lease is up. That's it. He's done up north. He's extra done with _her_. He'll be mine again, soon.

 - The Unicorn - We finished Season 3 of Buffy last night (she's back to her quiet time and anime today)

Seriously, the best thing about her is that she has these running fan-fic's in her head. And she has to have me pause our shows every once in awhile so she can tell me the new episode of what SHE would do if she were helping any of our main characters.

So, we're getting revved up for the big boss fight with the Mayor, and she's all - MOM, this is what *I* would do! And I just had to keep my mouth SHUT because it was SO CLOSE to the way the actual boss fight went down. The Unicorn damn near lost her mind when the big twist reveal happened and it turned out be almost exactly the way that she would have done it if she'd been on Buffy's team.

I think the Unicorn is starting to identify as a Slayer. LOL

I swear by Lucifer's feathery wings that I'm the luckiest mom ever.

Relationships / Sweeties:

 - Recent Encounters - I spent a good portion of last night chit-chatting with a new potential. I feel very positive about this one. Last night the conversation got derailed a little bit by my fears of things being one sided. But, as I reflected on the conversation this morning, I began to realize just how much he's feeling a void of unconditionally loving touch in his life.

We're good.

I can be what he needs.

    - 1) good company: We get along.

    - 2) good conversation: We are compatible in a number of areas.

    - 3) good snuggles: I'm truly confident that this will be awesome.

    - 4) good sex: He won't always be the Alpha that I need. But that piece is in there. So, I'm sure he'll bring it to the surface at some point.

Like I said, I'm confident about this one.

 - Updates on Favorites

- Jasper - He goes quiet on me more often than not these days. He says it's work, and I believe him. I feel bad because of how much I miss him. He became so important to me so quickly. But, I need to let it go. I need to let it all go. Bran will be back soon and then I'm sure that even the possible overnights with Jasper will come to an end. He won't feel the same connection to me because we won't be the conjoined twins of pain anymore.

I still want to be here for him. No matter what. But, chances are he won't let me be and that breaks my heart so much.

 - Blue Falcon - I haven't been in contact with him since last Sunday. I should drop him a love note today.

Update! - love note dropped - looks like the Unicorn gets to meet the Blue Falcon tomorrow!!

He'll even treat us both to DINNER!!

We're leaning towards pizza. OMG, I’m SO EXCITED.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - So… that 'first time' from last Monday… the one I held back on code naming… he's been in REALLY GOOD CONTACT via text since our date. So, I feel pretty good about him coming back and upping to full fledged Sweetie status. So, he's code named Cookie, because he's so sweet.

 - The Hopefuls - I've really been putting the kybosh on the hopefuls lately. This depression/anxiety death spiral is killing fresh contacts. That… and Bran is coming back soon.

I think I might have the ones that I need… like Cookie and The Blue Falcon… maybe even Jasper too.

*shrug* I don't know. I guess I'm just being more careful for some reason. 

My little domestic bad ass Unicorn...

My daughter is a high functioning Autistic in Special Ed. Because she's in Special Ed, parent/teacher conferences are done a bit differently. Instead of just showing up with all the other parents and getting 15 minutes with one teacher, her dad and I are invited to an hour-long session with a whole panel of her educational caregivers. 

It actually went better than expected.

Her father doesn't believe in mental illness. He especially doesn't believe that any child of his could be deficient or mentally ill. He's too perfect for that and he fully expects his child to be perfect and academically sound without continued mental health support.

Fortunately, for my daughter, her father and I share joint legal custody and the school only needs one parent to sign off on what types of services she receives. So, last year at this same meeting, I got her set up with an in-school therapist that she meets with every other day.

I think that because of the marked improvement in her grades since starting therapy, he's finally starting to come around. I asked for continued mental health support for her, and much to my surprise, he actually agreed with me.

So, aside from her still being at a very age-inappropriate reading level, she's a rock star and she's excelling at everything else.

Her panel of experts even agreed with me that she's pretty much an emotional mechanics savant, despite her disability. Most autistic children miss social/emotional queues (which she still does), but also, most autistic children are completely baffled by emotions in general. My daughter is the opposite.

The only other problem that was address is how she never reaches out for academic help if she needs it. She insists on self-teaching and then gets frustrated when she doesn't get anywhere. Her fear of failure is pretty huge. 

I know she gets that from how hard her father is on her. How he expects perfection. It's becoming a major issue and it's really crippling her ability to learn. I'm hoping that he finally sees what an asshole he's been and how it's effected her learning for the worst.

Other than that, everyone agreed with me that she seems bright, happy, well adjusted, and shows the appropriate amount of snark for a teenager.

I'm really proud of her.

Jasper is still with me!!

I couldn't possibly squee loud enough.

Jasper checked in just a little bit ago. He apologized for going quiet on me and told me it was work related.

*sigh* - I'm just so glad that he's still there.

If work is this crazy with the new job, I've no idea when I might see him again, though.

I'm still a bit in that depression/anxiety death spiral, so getting someone I trust to be the kind of lover that he was is still a challenge.

But, on the note of the trusted. My potential from a few nights ago is still exchanging messages with me!! He may actually blossom into a for realz Sweetie!!

So… despite exhaustion, this is still a good day.

Sorry… no full report right now.

He was worth losing sleep over...

It is way too fucking early for me to be attempting any sort of awake activity. But, I'm trying so fucking hard right now. Kindly note that there are 2 entries on the 'recent encounters', but please forgive me for how brief they are going to be. I just don't have the brain power right now… I'm trying to be as detailed in my recording as possible… but, omg… the suck of being awake this early.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - Still no phone, and now I can't even receive calls in on my regular #. The suck continues.

 - Writing - Gods… okay, so I finished all my research, and now I have to go through the very painful process of multiple check lists for my narrative. This would be SO much easier if I had a desk work station with like 3 screens. But, as it stands I have to settle for the minimalist screen real estate that my laptop (Victor) can provide.

It's a barely functional system, but I'm starting to work out the kinks of it.

 - Sleep - I was unkind to my morning last night. I didn't go to bed at the right time to be attempting to wake so early. But, he was worth losing sleep over. The update is below.

 - Fur-babies - One visit yesterday. There were Dreamy kisses. OMG… love that cat so much.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Caffeine - 4 cups, still not awake.

 - Yoga / Movement Goals - Fuck you.

 - Inflammation - Fuck you.

 - Weight Management - Fuck you.

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - I’m going to admit to being somewhat hurt/irritated by how little we've been in contact lately. I’m sure it's just work, but I know some of it is _her_. This can't be over soon enough and it's killing me that he might need to be gone longer. That could potentially mean another 6-month lease and him being gone for a full year.

I hope he's smart enough to not let it come to that.

He has to know how that would ruin us.

I've told him that I don't mind him being gone longer. But, it has to be without _her_ in our mutual sphere.

 - The Unicorn - I'm trying so hard to be awake for this fucking IEP on Thursday. I'm beginning to think that my act of compassion is doing way more harm than good.

Relationships / Sweeties:

 - Recent Encounters - Technically, I have two to report. Even if one was only via text.

    - 1) good company: I'm starting to understand what it was about him that made me trust him even in the midst of this recent depression/anxiety death spiral. At first it was a mystery to me why I trusted him. But, now, after last night. I kind of get it.

He's also dealing with a 'long-distance' love kind of situation. And one that seems to have gone deeply south on him. He was lonely and in need of cuddles for the same reason that I am.

This is one of those things that made Jasper so special. So, this one (no code name yet, I AM waiting until the second date, this time!!)… for him to understand me on that level. It was impressive.

Now, if I can just get the sex that I need from someone of Jasper's caliber, I'll be fine.

    - 2) good conversation: One of the things he said last night was SO SWEET. He said that he wished all relationships could be like what he and I were sharing. Just a complete sense of openness and a willingness to share the pain. No hiding behind masks. So, yeah… *smile* we have that.

    - 3) good snuggles: Naked cuddles are the best cuddles.

I skipped all pretenses. As soon as he got to me I had him in the bedroom. We cuddled fully clothed and then the most amazing thing happened. He pulled a Blue Falcon and shifted until he was on top of me with his arms wrapped around my shoulders. OMG! So sweet.

He started to kiss me and eventually my hands were moving across the skin of his back under his sweater.

I must have said something like "I like skin."

So, he pulled his sweater off with words like "Well let's give you some skin then." And then my upper body clothing was removed.

I must have said something like "Naked cuddles are the best cuddles."

Because then he was like "Well then let's get naked."

  

  - 4) good sex: LOL, but we didn't cuddle. He went right for the condom and DAYUM! His cock is HUGE. He felt so good inside me. Incredible libido and stamina. Alternating between hard pounding and gentle thrusts… so often those arms continued to wrap around me and his kisses were so sweet.

It was the epitome of a good 'cuddle fuck', the way he held me close to him while he was working in and out of me. Almost exactly the way that the Blue Falcon does.

Well, what were the chances of that?

Now… if I can just find someone local who can do the whole 'pin my wrists to the bed with the nine magic words "You can fight me as much as you want"' thing. That would be so wonderful.

Which brings me to my SECOND encounter:

    - 1) good company: We are separated by great distance. But, for some reason, with him it's okay. We are pack. Running mates. He is as much wolf as me.

    - 2) good conversation: We speak the language of wolf-speak with each other. So much of it is sensation and touch. He and I can literally FEEL each other, no matter the distance.

    - 3) good snuggles: We're on the same page… how he would love to lay me face down and work oil over my back, priming me for the kind of pounding that only another wolf can give.

    - 4) good sex: He would do it… he totally would!! He would pin me down and tell me to struggle.

Gods… I get so hot just thinking of it…

That Jasper Ghost Story seems closer and closer to the surface with each passing day and sweetie encounter. I might even mix my wolf-brother into that story. Make it this thing where we're meeting after a long internet courtship and he gives me what I had hoped SOMEONE other than Jasper could give me.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - You already know this. He's a favorite for a reason. And I love knowing that I have a friend/lover like him.

 - Jasper - I am NOT happy right now.

I've not heard from him since Friday, when he explicitly told me that he would be keeping me in the loop. And then… fat wad of nothing.

*sigh* I’m sure it's nothing. I'm sure he's still with me. But, fuck, I hate being ghosted like this. It makes me so paranoid that I'm going to lose him completely.

A loss like that…

Ye gods… how much of me would even survive that?

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - I HOPE HOPE HOPE last nights encounter wasn't a one time thing!!

 - The Hopefuls - I've been backing off here because of the depression/anxiety death spiral. Aside from last nights encounter, I see no one new getting close to me until this thing with Jasper is resolved.

I don't need sex from Jasper.

I just need one night in his arms, proving that I can be there for him without asking him to hurt himself for me.

--

Sigh… okay… I guess I had more to say than I thought I did…

Still feeling better... :)

So… it's 7:30 in the morning, and I'm already on 3rd coffee.

There is a plan for a 4th, and possibly even a 5th.

The Unicorn's IEP meeting is at 7am on Thursday, and that means severe adjustments to my sleep/wake cycle, as well as my caffeine consumption just to properly adjust to this. I'm probably going to have to get out of bed somewhere between 4-5am on Thursday.

Now… that being said… I've noticed that any time I go introspective on the Blue Falcon's visit yesterday, I smile.

Not just a 'that was nice' wistful smile.

I mean an ear to ear, Cheshire cat grin kind of smile.

It was just SO good to know that I have someone both trusted and reliable to reach out to for physical contact when I'm at my worst. In his own words, the Blue Falcon told me that he feels people only reach out when they're at their breaking point. Granted, he realized quickly that I hadn't been at my breaking point when I reached out, but in his mind that didn't make my call to arms any less urgent. Even if he'd been busy, he would have found a way to get to me as quickly as possible.

Just having someone who makes me feel safe. Who makes me feel cared for and desired. Who will talk with me on literally ANY topic that comes up and do so with consideration and intelligence.

It was sweet.

I’m not doing the standard update today.

It's too early for that shit.

Bless the Blue Falcon!

So… a few hours ago I realized the depression/anxiety death spiral had hit me full force. Part of me KNEW that the only way I'd get out of the depression was 'contact'. I needed to be with someone, to touch someone, to be touched by someone. And, yet, the other part of me was locking down into isolation mode.

This means only one thing.

This means that only the TRUSTED can get close to me.

Well, fukkin-a, I actually HAVE trusted this time around!!

Granted, yes, part of me only wanted Jasper, and I've not heard from him since Friday.

BUT, the other part of me said "Ping the Blue Falcon".

So… ping the Blue Falcon, I did.

He was by my side in less than twenty minutes.

He just happened to have plans today that fell through, so he was available. He's also the kind of person who knows that people often don't reach out until they're at their lowest. He says he's been there. He says he's had friends who've been there. He's just the kind of person who will be there as fast as humanly possible when someone reaches out like that. If he'd been busy, he would have worked something out so that I wasn't alone for very long.

And yeah, it got naked, but I'm not giving you the full sex report this time.

Stop pouting.

No, really, the sex was secondary. High quality, as always with the Blue Falcon, but secondary.

What was primary was just the fact that there IS someone local that I can reach out to. Someone who will rush to my side if I need him. Someone I can trust, and who will take care of me when I'm down. In fact, he was in such a hurry to get to me that he forgot his wallet at home. What he needed his wallet for, I don't know, but he forgot it.

There was a significant amount of naked cuddling and talking…

Gods… I love the hell out of him. It doesn't matter what topic we wind up on, he has something intelligent to say about it. And not just 'talking out of my ass' level intelligent. But serious 'oh, I've read up on this!' level intelligent.

He got me laughing.

He kissed me a lot.

He made me feel so much better.

--

Okay… so now I'm a bit stuck.

I finished the research, and now I should get back to work, but it's already 5pm and I knew my brain was going to shut down early today.

Poo.

Okay… guess I'm going to watch some Walking Dead.