Balancing Acts:

So, my sweetie life continues to improve. But, the other aspects of my life are tanking pretty hard. I know I usually just update about sweeties when I write here, but that's just because they're at the forefront of my survival skills.

Tomorrow is my SSI hearing.

Before yesterday, I would have said that I have no hope of winning because my own lawyer didn't even understand my claim of being unable to work. So, how could I expect him to translate that information to a judge.

Valkyrie was capable of helping me find better words. The dangers, pitfalls, treatment, and soft edges needed to survive my level of Borderline Personality Disorder are not unlike that of someone who is struggling with PTSD.

So, now my lawyer gets it, yes - I can function at a high level - At this point in my recovery, I could probably GET a job.

BUT, without being able to predict future triggers. There is a high risk that I would not be able to KEEP said job. And if I were to be gainfully employed for enough time to lose my GRH, I would run the risk of becoming homeless again because I could not keep the job.

Per Valkyrie, if I do not have my safe place to retreat to, with unlimited down time, I run the risk of completely unspooling again.

My lawyer and I are on the same page, I believe. So, I am hopeful.

All the same, it won't destroy me to lose again. The county GRH program has its setbacks, but it also has its push forwards.

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Blue Falcon tonight.

I'm so excited.

I will lose sleep, but he's worth it.

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The Unicorn has a sleep over party this weekend. It will mean losing time with her, but I'm deciding to let her go. I know she needs time with her friends just as much as she needs time with me.

I’m going to use the child free space to see Jasper again. He really needs it, and I'm okay being there for him and losing a little time with the Unicorn to do it.

The Unicorn and I have the kind of special bond where extra time apart doesn't harm our relationship at all.

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I said I wouldn't name sweeties until at least the second date. But I'm breaking the rule about my sweetie from last Sunday. Now that I think about it… with the way that he's half Asian and very young… getting fucked by him was like getting fucked by cotton candy. He was just as aggressive as I needed him to be, but at the same time overwhelmingly sweet in the best way. So, I'm naming him Cotton Candy if I ever see him again.

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There's another blip on the radar that may or may not happen. Still, based on who he is and what his needs are, I'm calling him the Velvet Hammer.

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I'm looking forward to this SSI stuff being over and done with… I want to ratchet back the caffeine to only 3 cups in the morning and get back to my yoga too.

It's weird…

I miss the yoga.

I’m ready to get back to it.  :)