Mental Health / Unfuck
Yourself:
- Therapy - I
feel like I'm so close on this thing with Jasper being a Ghost Story. Last
night I fell asleep to a sexual fantasy about him 'force seducing' me because I
tried to protect him by backing off from the sex. In the fantasy, we were
cuddling in the dark, probably close to falling asleep, when he started to kiss
me. I tried to stop him and I told him that he didn't have to do that. He
pushed me on my back and started kissing my neck, I was starting to melt. I
tried again to tell him that I didn't want to hurt him. I told him that I
didn't want him to hurt himself.
"You really
think you can stop me?" He brought my hands up over my head and held them
with one hand while he got a fist into my hair with the other one.
"Maybe
not," I said. "But you've only got two hands and I'm wearing my
tightest yoga pants.
In the fantasy, this
didn't stop him. He was able to get me naked and fuck the hell out of me.
- Writing - The
main work in progress is still on hold while I research story structure. But, I
think I'm going to check and see if there's a flash writing contest still on.
It might be time to make a second entry.
- Sleep - I
actually slept okay last night. Even on only one pill. My prescription refills
expired and I'm going to need more medication soon. I managed to figure this
out on a Friday, so the request for refills won't even go in until Monday and
then it will take a day or so for the meds to reach me because I have them
mailed out.
*sigh*
Here's hoping that
I'll continue to sleep okay until then.
- Fur-babies - Only
one visit yesterday, in the morning. Nothing yet today but the day is still
very new. They usually come somewhere between 10 am and Noon'ish.
Physical Health / Unfuck
Yourself:
- Caffeine - All
good, no overloads despite the temptation.
- Yoga /
Movement Goals - Fuck off.
- Inflammation
- This is going to be an issue.
- Weight
Management - So is this.
Relationships / Family:
- Bran - He's
really been quiet lately… I know he's not forgotten about me. And granted I've
not really been checking in, so maybe he thinks I'm just too busy with sweeties
and he doesn't want to bother me. I should probably snap him some boobs or
something.
- The Unicorn -
This is my child-free weekend. So, I was hoping to see Jasper but he
ended up having to work. I really hope the new job is less strain on his
bipolar. Which, I'm sure it will be, but the extreme cut in pay will make it
just as unlikely that he'll be bringing HLS to him any sooner.
Relationships / Sweeties:
- Recent
Encounters - Aside from the one visit yesterday morning, I took the rest
of the day off.
- Updates on
Favorites -
- Jasper - One
thing I KNOW I need to make clear with Jasper: I need him to know that the sex
between us really did mean something to me, and that it's not just a 'take it
or leave it' situation for me. I need him to know that it was literally a
religious experience when he held me down that one time.
Now… this presents
some potential problems.
If he knows just how
much the sex meant to me, he'll be tempted to fuck me again. Not unlike the
afore mentioned sexual fantasy. I just have to make sure that he knows he
doesn't have to do that for me.
SPECIAL NOTE: I just
checked to see if the Love in Flash writing contest is still up. Which is
literally the ONLY reason I'd write that Ghost Story right now. It's not, it's
done.
*Sigh*
I guess I'm just
going to be stuffing this one for awhile.
The depression is
letting up, a little. But, it's still there.
The hardest part
about this will be confessing to Jasper that I actually did cry (for days) when
I realized sex was off the table for us. I don't want him feeling guilty. But I
NEED him to know how important he was to me as a lover.
At least I will
never be worried about losing him as a friend. I genuinely feel that Jasper and
I are bound. We're just these conjoined twins of anguish and despair. And no
one will ever take that away from us.
- Blue Falcon -
Nothing really new, and I don't need there to be. I know he's not going
anywhere and that he'll make time to see me when he wants to. This is one
favorite that I have absolute faith in. I know he's been working a lot of
overtime, so I'm truly not worried about him ghosting me. He really likes me. I
really like him. And… giving him up as a lover won't hit me that hard.
Not that he isn't
good!! He's excellent!! But, I will admit that I don't have quite the same bond
with him as I do with Jasper.
Relationships / Potentials
and Honorable Mentions:
- The One
Timers - Meh. These you already know about.
- The Hopefuls
- I'm still struggling with the fact that I have a new hopeful here.
It's all his hopeful, and not mine. This isn't the kind of hopeful where I'm
totally into someone and just waiting on that first date to see how it goes.
This is him talking with me every day and telling me what he wants for our
connection to develop.
I like him.
But, I'm not
sexually attracted to him.
Ugh…
I kind of hate
myself right now.
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