The long kiss goodnight...

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - Spoke to Valkyrie about Jasper yesterday. Her read was that I wasn't losing Jasper. She was right. Update is below

 - Writing - Never made it to the writing yesterday due to a Sweetie visit. But, there's a critique for me to look over today, so there will be a chapter update soon. But, I have a Potential visiting early this afternoon, so I don't know if I'll get to it today.

 - Sleep - PTSD nightmare about _her_, again. Woke up half an hour before the alarm and couldn't get back to sleep. On second coffee now.

 - Fur-babies - Only one visit yesterday, but it was both Splotches and Dreamy. Both made sure they got their hello's in, but neither snuggled. Dreamy even went home when Catmom came to get them. She didn't have to forcibly remove him like she normally has to.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Caffeine - On second coffee now. SOOOO tempted to make it 4 or even 5 today… but I can't afford to keep up with that level of caffeine consumption. Almond/Coconut milk is expensive!

 - Yoga / Movement Goals - I don't know what to tell you. The fight has just gone out of me. I was always worried that something like this might happen, any time I took a day or two off. I don't know what it will take to reboot me into doing the morning yoga again… I guess I just have to have faith that the wheel will turn and it will come back to me again.

 - Inflammation - Nothing new

 - Weight Management - I've been taking my full appetite suppressant in the mornings, and it seems to be controlling my hunger better throughout the day. I've not woken up hungry, so, that's a good thing.

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - He called yesterday when I was with a Sweetie… I feel kind of bad for that.

I've decided that I'm not going to get angry/resentful with him over the nightmare last night/this morning. I'm going to try to not even bring it up.

*sigh* I really just can't wait for him to be done with everything and finally coming home.

 - The Unicorn - This will be in the 'nothing new' category until her next visit, so expect this a lot.

Relationships / Sweeties:

  - Recent Encounters - Yesterday was a quiet day. Lots of action with Ghost, though. There might be a Ghost Story soon, but I'm not sure. I'm trying to let it flesh out a bit more in my mind first.

 - Updates on Favorites - Jasper checked in last night. Unprovoked by me. He apologized for not responding to my 'goodnight' from the night before and explained that work had been crazy. *nods* I figured that was it.

He told me that things with HLS were very strained. I did my best to be there for him. I was a sympathetic ear, which he appreciated. He was in a fuck-ton of pain, which hurt like hell because I knew there was nothing I could do to comfort him.

He did tell me that talking to me helps, because he knows that I truly understand the nature of his pain.

That's a bond that Jasper and I share. One that I don't ever see going away any time soon. We know each others pain because it is our own.

He brought it up again… that 'playing' with anyone only makes him hurt and miss HLS more. I was straight with him. I told him that I'd be willing to back off and just be his friend because I can't tolerate the notion of hurting him with my selfish feeding on his raw and beautiful sexuality.

I'll tell you what I couldn't say to him: I would rather starve than hurt him by feeding on him again.

He just told me that was something to be discussed later. I totally respect that. I truly hope that I don't lose him as a lover, but I won't let him touch me if it's going to hurt him.

 I woke up to a message from him this morning. Turns out he took my exact advice, and things between Jasper and HLS are MUCH less strained now.  :)  - Your friendly neighborhood ImariiStarre did a good job.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - Nothing new

 - The Hopefuls - I have someone coming over today. He's my age, though. We started talking on OKC and FetLife BEFORE I fully identified as a balls out Cougar. So, I don't know if we're going to have sex today or not. I don't want a pity fuck.

Let's hope I can just say 'no'.

Too be honest… the only person I think about is Jasper, and it looks like he might not be a blip on the radar soon. This is so typical of me when it comes to my favorites.

I guess I just need to be a LOT more honest with my potentials. I need to let them know what I really want sexually. It will never be as good as it was with Jasper, because Jasper volunteered to be that aggressive with me. He took zero coaching to get me there.

What I REALLY need to do?

I need to include Jasper's encounter as a sex scene in my book. Then it will be committed to memory forever.

*sigh*

I hate the fact that I fall in love like this. It's always with someone who doesn't stand a chance of feeling the same way about me.

*sigh again*

Now, I know that nothing will ever negatively impact my friendship with Jasper. But, I have a feeling that he will be withdrawing from the Sweetieship soon.

I'm sad.

It's the best thing for him.

And that makes me sad for me, and happy for him. I'm proud of him. I'm hopeful for him… and I'm going to miss his hands around my wrists more than I could ever say.

*sigh again, sigh*

Let's just hope that I can meet someone who will make me feel the way he made me feel when he pinned me down to the bed.

*nods*

That's probably the best place to leave it, right there.