I don't really know
if I have anything to report today.
I got my period
yesterday, so I'm fucking off the yoga again. My SSI hearing is in a week and
it's WAY early in the morning, So, I'll be fucking off the yoga next week too.
I might just ignore it until after the hearing. I think that's a wise plan.
I've been taking a
bit of a break from the Sweeties. I don't really feel bad about that. The work
has been commanding more and more of my attention. Also, to be fair, my heart
is really with the Blue Falcon. It's the same way I felt about Gingersnap. Everyone
else either just fell away or didn't seem to hold the same significance.
I do plan to text
the Blue Falcon later today.
I chit-chatted with
the Dragon for a bit yesterday. In the morning I was still working on coffee,
so I was very standoffish. I apologized for it later and we got our Sweetieship
back on track. Focusing on his need for pleasure and my ability to give it. Looking
back, I don't really know why I felt an experience with him would be completely
one sided. I guess that's just the mood I was in yesterday morning. My walls
were up. I'm glad I was able to get them down.
The Dragon was very
forgiving. He told me he wasn't worried or going anywhere. He also made sure
that I knew I would receive my pleasure as well.
Loose plans have
been made for next week, but I don't expect any follow through. I'm pretty sure
that if I see him again it will be after he finishes school in May. I'm okay
with this.
I've been loyal to
him for a full year now. I'm not going to stop now.
The Dragon expressed
some performance anxiety over stamina. I told him not to worry. Even if the
first time only lasts for a breath, neither of us are predisposed to
one-night-stand's. There will always be more times for us to fully enjoy each
other.
Last night I was…
not okay.
It was a very
non-specific 'not okay'. I was just relaxing and watching some trash TV and
every time my thoughts wandered I heard myself being asked if I was okay, and
my response was 'I haven't been okay for a very long time'.
I still believe
that's true.
I've been really
okay with the fact that I'm not okay. But, I really have NOT been okay.
Bran might be gone
longer than the spring. Much to my surprise, I confessed my loyalties, again.
What the hell was I
thinking?
I don't want this
separation anymore. I miss sleeping next to him. I miss waking up next to him.
I really believe that's the reason I've been sleeping so poorly lately.
I just wish I had a
solid sweetie to really fill in the blanks until he came back.
I admit it…
I wouldn't mind
having a boyfriend right now.
But, that might be
just the blood talking.
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